Condensed Fowl

This is another of my not-so-serious fan-fics, and is mainly up for a laugh. Do not go searching this story for the meaning of life, or you will get a rather whacked opinion…

Basically, this is the story of Artemis Fowl.

The condensed version.

The really, really condensed version.

The so-condensed-that-it-makes-no-sense-unless-you-already-know-the-plot version.

So what is it good for, you ask?

Well, I find it amusing…

Disclaimer: NO, I do not own the plot of ANY of the Artemis Fowl series, nor do I own any of the characters. At all. Period. In any way. I do not take credit for them, I am simply borrowing them for a period in order to parody… well… the whole series, actually.

Chapter One- Glitter and Gold

…Somewhere in the known world…

Artemis- Hi! Lead us to this fairy or you will die!

Informant- Ok! Don't kill me!

Fairy- Hello, hu-

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this important Author's Note:

Hello, everyone! I just found out that script is against guidelines! Whoopee! (not)

Anyway, my basic reaction when I read this was 'Aw –bad word- -bad word- -bad word- bad, bad, bad, bad, naughty word-.' Something like that. And so I find myself in a bit of dilemma.

Condensed Fowl, you see, is meant and always has been meant to be script format. As I have previously said, anything but the dialogue gets in the way of the general parody-ness of it. And yet script is not allowed on You see the problem.

All right, so it is all my fault. I did read the guidelines extensively, several times… but it appears that this little part slipped my mind. I don't know how, maybe it's the fact that I stumbled across a few other (well written) script format stories out there, ones that apparently had not been reported yet! And then, given that I did skim the guidelines the last few times I've had to agree to them (what with having studied them extensively and knowing the basic gist of them), I guess I missed it.

Anyway, they only solution that I could see (other then lobbying for to change their policy… and, you know, what with already breaking it myself that wouldn't have been too bad of an idea or anything…) was re-writing it all in normal story-form and then post both versions. Alternating chapters, you know how it goes. You want only script, you read only even numbers, you want only story, you read odd…..

-Bad, bad, bad, bad word-.


With this in mind, updates are going to be a lot less frequent for a while as I struggle to rewrite everything that I have done already… which is, by the way, over 30 pages script. When I add other things it is going to get a lot longer. So yea.

Gosh, I don't want to do this.

Anyway, sorry all those of you who are eagerly awaiting the next chapter, I have to go back and re-write the first three chapters (not to mention the next fourteen) before I post another to make sure that no one reports this story (which I love and already had deleted once, a thing I don't want to have to go through again as they KEEP YOU FROM POSTING ANYTHING FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS) due to that fact that it's not following the guidelines.

Anyway, thank you everyone who has been reading this, please have some patience with me, and sorry once again…. Until the next update, just sit back and enjoy the first chapters. Hopefully it won't be too long.


In one final, rather useful note - the chapters written in their normal script form will have that after the chapter title, the chapters written in story will have a similar arrangement.

Sooo... yea. Thanks for being patient. Or, barring that, at least not hunting me down armed with various torture devises.

Thank you for your patience. We now return to the (altered) actual story.

Somewhere in the known world (it doesn't really matter where, as it is neither Paris—though this does not figure until the next saga, to be perfectly honest—nor Russia—see previous note—nor America—once again, not mentioned here—nor Ireland), a young boy (cough, miniature criminal mastermind billionaire, cough) and his butler (cough, bodyguard, cough) were at a business meeting of a rather unusual sort. You see, this boy still believed in fairies and was trying to meet one.

HAH! Like he's ever going to get anything but—

"I have found a fairy, young rich Irish businessman/criminal overlord!" a native announced proudly, holding out a picture of a strange green hand.

Ok, so maybe there are some real fairies out there. So sue me.

"Ah good," said the boy, "now why don't you take us to this fairy of yours. That way my butler (bodyguard) won't have to kill you."

The suddenly very worried informant complied, and (luckily for him) managed to find a completely drunk fairy. Master Artemis was not in the least phased by this, however, as he had anticipated it. "Hello!" he said in a bright, cheery voice as he slipped a container allegedly containing alcohol out. "Why don't you drink this, then we can talk."

"Yesh," slurred the sodden fairy, "that shounds like a mighfy fihyne idesha." And with that the hopelessly drunk fairy took and downed the alleged alcohol, ignoring that slightly strange flavor. "That whas vharey goob," she said. "Fhanks."

"Not really," said the young criminal mastermind, "you just drank holy water."

After this fact sunk in (which took longer then one might expect, as it involved the plastered fairy regaining consciousness), the reaction was predictable. "SNOOOOOOOOOOO!" slurred the (still plastered) fairy in considerably less quiet tones. "Yous khilld mae, nd fur sno pparend rheshon!"

After Artemis translated this, he smiled. "Actually, I have a very good reason. I want your book."

The fairy pondered this for a moment. "Howsabous I glive yous sths blook if you kur mee?"

Artemis likewise agreed, gave the fairy the cure, took the (pictures of the) book, and wandered off, leaving the fairy to faint once again behind him. "That went better then expected," he said casually to Butler, his butler/bodyguard.

"Yes," said the manservant, "it did."

"Now on to spending weeks at translation," the young businessman said happily.

"And after that," Butler said with a cheerful glint in his eye, "it's on to the stakeouts!"

Somewhere in the world, both the Hallelujah chorus and 'I'm Walkin' on Sunshine' began to play.

- - -

Several weeks later, a point at which any normal person would have given up already, Artemis Fowl the Second was still doggedly attempting to translate the pages, which seemed to actually be actively avoiding his efforts. Then, suddenly, he was struck with a brainwave.

Pulling out his conveniently pre-made, customized Ancient Egyptian and setting the text pattern to spiral (some hippy or another had set the trend), he tried feeding the text through again. And this time, it worked.

"I did it!" cheered Artemis from his computer chair.

"Stakeouts!" yelled Butler merrily. Juliet momentarily ignored them both, simply picking up a page that had only just finished printing. Fairys. Mhmm. Sighing, she rolled her eyes and wandered off, letting the page flutter back down as she did so. Men.

- - -

Meanwhile, in somewhere entirely different from the previous two locations, though still in the Known World, a fairy—a leprechaun, or, to be more precise, a LEPrecon—was having some trouble. You see, there was a troll running loose and-

"Ahhhhh!!!!" screamed Holly Short as she sailed past, wondering why oh why she had not completed the ritual in the last millennia or so.

Her commander agreed with her. After yelling for a while, he screamed at her to go and find an oak. The moon was full, after all, and there were oak-trees aplenty. Probably some closer then Ireland, but who was to quibble?

"Yay, Ireland!" Holly cheered.

Root grumbled and rolled his eyes.

- - -

Some unspecified amount of time later, though still the same night, Holly hovered cautiously against the night sky, looking down. Having forgone Tara on a simple matter of principle, she had scanned the other available hotspots and decided on an obscure corner of the land that a human would have to either be crazy or an evil criminal mastermind genius to be near.

And given that, you know, there were none of those around at all, she figured that she would be fine. After doing a quick scan of the area, she quickly zoomed down to land next to the river and pick up the specified plot point.
Artemis, peering out through night-vision goggles, felt his eyes go round. His breath caught. His mind froze, a thing altogether unexpected. Who, after all, could have predicted that a sudden freeze would choose that moment to come swirling through?

Still, after everything had suitably thawed, he grabbed the arm of his manservant. "Butler," he hissed excitedly, "there is the fairy you are going to shoot!"

Butler grinned a wolf-like grin (a miracle in itself, given his man-like teeth) and picked up the rifle that he had loaded with a tranquilizer dart. Quickly he fired it, luckily (or unluckily, as some might see it) at the precise moment that Holly reached down to pick up the prearranged plot point.

Not that, in the end, it made much difference.

Several minutes later, after some cheering and an impromptu party, Artemis Fowl and Butler loaded the knocked out fairy into a duffel bag and abducted her in the suitably mysterious fashion preferred for such things.

- - -

Back down at the LEP headquarters, the biggest little police station under the world, Foaly paced. He pawed. He reared. He did various horsey things. Most important of these, at least at the moment, was the pacing.

"Julius, you know what this means! Someone kidnapped Holly!"

After soundly cursing Foaly for calling him by his first name, Commander Root cursed once again, this time at the mud men in general, and then again, just to keep up appearences. After all, he had earned the nickname 'Beetroot,' and by all that was holy-

"Commandor! Did you hear me? What are we going to do?"

"I suppose I'd best go out," he finally growled, glaring at the techie for interupting his mental monologue, "given that I'm the best we've got."

Foaly burst out into hysterical laughter, and, unable to stop or control himself, collapsed from oxygen deprivation within minutes.

- - -

Meanwhile, the kidnappers and the kidnappee were together in a car, driving towards the docks. Artemis, never one to miss an opportunity, had quickly spotted technology that no one is quite sure how he managed to identify (but did nonetheless) and yet still mananged to tamper with, and was now planning on putting in a freezer, no doubt for some purpose of his own.

"I'll put this on that one Japanese whaler."

"The antique?" asked Butler.

"Is it? I don't know, I hate whalers. Let's blow it up with this small fortune of fairy technology that I just found!"

"Wait," Butler asked bemusedly, "how does this tie into the plan? Umm… at all?"

Artemis had his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he fiddled with technology far beyond his grasp, inserting a camera in the lovely waiting spot specifically designed for buttonhole cameras. Well, not really, but-

"Just leave the thinking to the geniuses, will you Butler?" asked the Irish youth imperiously. "I just need to get on that whaler with this bracelet and a lot of explosives, so just do what you do best."

Butler sighed. He was so unappreciated.

- - -

After all of this had taken place and several innocent spinning kicks highly degraded, Comander Root of the LEP walked into the frozen foods department. "Why am I in a freezer?" he asked.

Artemis watched the cloud of ice crystals and grinned. Let's just hope that this guy was as stupid as he appeared to be. "Hello," he said, "I'm Artemis Fowl the Second. You're here because I, Artemis Fowl the Second, want you to be. Also because I, Artemis Fowl the Second, have planted a bomb. But disregard that for the moment, now take note of this…. Artemis Fowl the Second. That's A-R-T-E-"

Here, however, Root paused from his diligent scribbles and looked up suddenly. "Waitasec, did you say bomb?"

Artemis, from his control room more then several miles away, sighed.

Root, meanwhile was otherwise preoccupied. "Bomb," he said softly, dumbly, to himself. "Yes, it is. It must be."

"Indeed," Artemis said, rolling his eyes. "Now then, let me help you with the countdown.

"3… 2… 1…"

Root was out of there as fast as his fairy jetpack could carry him. Behind him, the bomb waited a polite amount of time and then quietly exploded. Of course, the word quietly is used relatively here.

Root screamed as he motored out. Artemis, hearing that even from several miles away, smiled in satisfaction.

- - -

Back at Fowl Manor, where the young man/criminal/mastermind/millionaire was smiling gently, Holly Short of the LEP woke up, thoroughly confused

"Where… where am I?" she asked shakily, clutching her head. And then she saw it. Some horrible, hideous thing with eyes like an insects was smiling insanely down at her!

"Hey, fairy!" Juliet chirruped from behind her mirrored lenses.

Holly nearly fainted. And here she'd thought that all the alien conspiracy theories were only things cooked up by paranoid Mud Men with too much time on their hands! She said as much, and Juliet sighed.

"Look… girlie? Anyway, they're only sunglasses."

"No, they're not!"

"Yes! They are!"

And so the argument went until Juliet agreed to let Holly tap one of the lenses, just to be sure. And then Artemis and Butler walked in, both similarly attired….

An unspecified length of time later, when Holly felt reasonably convinced that the Mud Men were what they claimed to be, they fell into another argument.

"So, you told us everything about the ransom fund! Bet you didn't expect that, huh? Bet you didn't expect that!"

Holly at this point burst into tears and Artemis surprised himself by feeling a slight twinge of something very similar to a conscience. And here he thought he'd gotten the pesky thing removed years ago!

Ah well. Back to the real matter at hand.

"Soon, fairy," he said, laughing maniacally as he did so (the maniacal laugh, you see, had gotten a bit rusty he felt that he needed to start using it a bit more often), "I will have much gold from your ransom fund!"

Holly proceeded to tell him that he, under no circumstances, would ever get that gold.

Artemis begged to differ.

And so things went, Butler and Juliet apparently having either been forgotten or spontaneously disappeared, for at least half an hour.

- - -

Those who feel like an AN, just read the long bit at the beginning of the story.

Now, for those of you who can't understand the drunk fairy... some translations for you. "Yes, that sounds like a mighty fine idea," "That was very good. Thanks." "NOOOOO!!!! You killed me, and for no apparent reason!" "How about I give you this book if you cure me?"

Reviewer Responses: (for all you people who reviewed the last chapter (3, for those keeping track)

Opal Roseblossom- :D I'm glad you like it!

Holly's Home Girl- -bows- But of course! I hope the story format is as funny... -sigh-

Cat- Sorry about the slow 'update' (backtrack more like... -glare-), I hope it was still okay...

frog-noo- I'm so glad. I hope you like the story as well as the script...

krazykiwigirl27- I did! ... kind of!

AbraxStallion- Fear not, I'm doing AA too. And, for that matter, EC, OD, LC (once I read it... -facepalm-)

arty foule- I'm glad you liked it. I try to be precise. You know... kind of.

FoxLuvr- I'm glad you like. Did you like the new one as well?

Amberle Ohmsford- ... -backs away slowly-

slime frog- -laughs along with-

Grub Kelp- But of course!

foereverforgetful- Just don't die or anything, m'k?

Psyco Fan- ... -coughs nervously- Well, I kinda put more chapters up... does it count?

Dim Aldebaran- Thanks for the nomination, I'm sorry that this story has been so slow in coming!

Artemis Fowl's Girl- Well, it wasn't soon, but I hope you understand the difficulties involved...

The REAL Holly Short- Oh... dear. Just, um, don't tell Foaly where I live, ok?

Koru-chan- I'm glad you like!

Bella Granger- It took a while, and it's not really the next chapter... a different version of the first suffice?

Kelitzo- ;D Thank you!

sunset boulavard- Kinda-almost-in-a-way-update work?

Madam Ko- Well, I'm glad you liked it. When the next person asks you if you're crazy, laugh and rub your hands together and then run off.

Yorkie Lover- Oh yea, I'm so doing the other books. Opal Incident was proving a bit hard to swing, but... ah well, I'm translating now so I have time to think up what to do...

FeatherWind- Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it.

LandUnderWave- Thank you!