Title: Melody of the Lost
By: Reddo Meijisu
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IV, characters/places, are property of Square-Enix.
A/N: Still haven't abandoned "Sins of the Father," nor any of my other projects. I'll return to them eventually. I've really wanted to try my hand at stupid satire, so here's an odd attempt. Originally written for a prompt on the LiveJournal community, 30Fantasies, will more than likely be expanded. Enjoy.
Also, replace "Gilbert" with "Edward" to equal everyone's lovable, spoony king. Yay!
Warning: Just as the summary says, with additional spoilers for FFIV in general. Also, rated for childish cussing. You've been warned. :D

• • •

"Are you sure it'll work?"

The King of Damcyan slapped a hand over his mouth, as the twin mages looked over at him, ready to spit fire. He knew it had to of been the thousandth time he had dared ask them such a question (only to have either an annoyed look or a snapped "Yes, of course it will! Do be quiet!" thrown back at him), but he was rather excited. The Elder of Mysidia had sent his prized prodigies, Palom and Porom, to Damcyan for a month in order to further their education by assisting to train Damcyan's mages, and its king had been very elated to hear that the White Mage girl had just completed something akin to a séance routine, and the Black Mage, her brother, could assist.

Of course, the twins had wanted to kill their Elder, or at least cast a spell of Mute on him, but they took it in stride, and plotted to throw a frog in his stew upon their return.

Porom's expression softened when she saw the look of surprise on Gilbert's face turn to one of disdain. "King Gilbert, I'm sure it'll work. We have already made contact with several of the Mysidian mages that were… Well…"

"All we need to do is add the sphere-coals now, and light it with holy fire," Palom said, changing the subject. All hated reminiscing over the fated days of past, despite the three years that had gone by.

Gilbert straightened on his chaise, one leg falling from its rest on his thigh, to the ground. They had decided to use the observatory for this event rather than the throne room. The rotunda shape had a circular hole in the middle of the ceiling, which was perfect for letting out the smoke. Some of the guards had set out glasses of fizzy water and wine, and the mages had retreated soon after the fire pit and items were brought in. "But you're certain it will work, correct? -- Oh, I'm just joking!" he stammered, Palom turning to lift a fist, his sister following suit with a jab to his gut.

"Knock it off, Palom; we don't have time for these games," Porom hissed as they turned back to the fire pit, adding more items. "Elder warned us that if we get grounded while here --"

"-- Then we have to do chores not only here, but in Mysidia too; yeah, I know," Palom finished in an odd rhetoric only twins seemed to share. "Let's get this bastard lit up like a chocobo at the Winter Festival, already."

"Must you cuss?" Porom rolled her eyes, then closing them as she brought her hands to her lips, chanting a prayer of blessing.

"Must you be such a bitch?" her twin muttered, which earned him a slap.

"PALOM!"

Gilbert seemed to not mind the squabbling -- how could he, when he was about to witness something grand? He decided that it was all apart of a plan that was going to unfold any minute now. Fingertips brushed his mouth when Palom called his sister a chubby lamia's ass, and he began to rock back and forth on his heels when Porom called him a brat. He then absently twirled his hair when Palom threw a punch, and set to polish his harp when the girl tackled him right into the fire pit.

Eventually he stood and sorted out the mess, which - with the threat of hearing him sing - set them back on track again.

"Now, we're ready," Porom announced, when the pit was resituated, and the rocks were set. She threw a look at her twin brother, and he nodded.

The bard king smiled, and hugged his harp to his chest as the White Mage raised her hands upward. Palom nodded at Gilbert, and then placed his hands over the rocks.

O, to thee, Lady of the Moon, I ask to appear:

Grant our wishes; drop a crystal in the sea of your starry tears.

Porom's body took on an ethereal, golden glow, as did Palom's, identical hands bathed in ruby. Both remained silent for a minute before White Mage's eyes snapped open.

"Ignite!"

A great flash of white filled the occupants' senses, an air bringing on hints of warmth and nostalgia despite the blinding pain. When it cleared, the spheres had a vermillion tint to them, and the twins were no longer glowing.

Anna von Muir's apparition floated lazily in the midst of coals, and yawned.

Gilbert jumped off the chaise, gasping. "It worked! It really worked!" he yelled, thrusting a fist into the air in a sort-of victory pose. "Palom, Porom, you two are the greatest mages that have ever lived," he added, smiling. Lute-worn hands pulled the two children - who were sitting on the floor in sheer exhaustion - up, and he hugged them both. "I'm proud to be your --"

"What the hell am I doing here!"

All eyes darted back (albeit slowly) to the fire pit. Anna's apparition had floated up from the vermillion spheres, and was hovering in a length close to her original height when she had died. Her blue eyes had narrowed, and her hands were on her hips. "Why not let the dead rest in peace?" she added, glaring at the twins. "If I wasn't dead, why I'd --"

Gilbert pulled the stunned siblings to sitting on the other chaises, and then returned to the pit. "Anna! Oh, Anna; I thought I'd never see you again!"

Anna's head tilted, then she smiled warmly. "Gilbert, my dear, I've missed you so much in these past years, though what is time to me? Father continually barks about being dead all the time, however," she added, sighing. "I hate being an apparition of a spirit."

"But now, you're back!" Gilbert replied, smiling. "We can live together, and you will be my queen."

"I'm to be eternally damned in this fire pit, then?" The apparition frowned. "Gilbert, I am dead. As much as I would like to come back to life, I'm afraid there is no way."

"Actually, there is one way," Porom dared, drawing all eyes to her. She had finally regained her senses. "There is someone with powers far beyond mine."

Her twin gasped (apparently, he had regained consciousness as well), and quickly placed a hand over her mouth.

"We are NOT asking 'her' for help; not now, not ever!" Palom snarled in Porom's ear. "Don't you remember what happened when the Elder last asked of those idiotic services? I thought she'd never go away!"

Anna's apparition watched the bickering mages with interest. "Who's she, and why is she so bad? She can't be as bad as you two, right?"

"Worse," the girl twin replied, wrenching Palom's hand away from her mouth. She gave her brother a glare before refocusing on the apparition and the Damcyani king. "She's a fabled mage of Toroia, insistent on using the pseudonym of 'Grand Magess,' with magical skills that reach far beyond any Mysidian's comprehension of said spectrum."

"In Gaiaen, please?" Palom, Anna's apparition, and Gilbert asked, sighing. Porom rolled her eyes.

"Her full name is Alyssa Adrianna Nadia Madison Gabrielle Iris Moonlight Great Red Ruby Moon Stardust Spectral of the International Republic of Lunars and Lunars' Incorporated, twice removed from said colony likely due to her irritating and elite sense of wellbeing and magical apathy." The White Mage took a breath, and grabbed the glass of fizzy water Gilbert had offered earlier.

Palom had cringed the entire time, though he shuddered as he watched his twin drink. "I thought we vowed never to speak her name again!"

"Yes, the name is irritating, indeed," Gilbert chimed in, rubbing his chin. His eyes were still glued to the apparition of his wife, who looked positively overwhelmed - likely from Porom's speech. "Does she have anything easier to roll off one's tongue?"

Palom slapped a hand to his forehead. Damn adult, what the hell is he thinking? "No --"

"She is called True Earth Crystal for short," Porom interjected, lowering the glass, empty. "Have you any more of this, King Gilbert? It's the best thing I've ever tasted."

"I can't believe this!" Palom stood up, stomping the ground harshly (he forgot the castle's floors were embedded with cobblestone, and promptly sat back down again). "Why the hell did you have to suggest the stupid thing anyway?" he added, watching the exchange of beverage between his twin sister and the bard king with contempt.

"King Gilbert and Queen Anna's apparition asked, of course," Porom replied, taking the glass back to her lips. "I wouldn't be a good White Mage if I withheld useful information, wouldn't I?"

The Black Mage rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms to his chest, pouting. "There's a time and a place, sister dear. Have you forgotten just how difficult she is to deal with?"

"So she'll want to pinch your little baby cheeks, coo over how cute you are, and make more astrological predictions on who your daddy is; big deal," Porom said, though she nearly lost the drink in her mouth, giggling. "I don't see why she finds you so adorable, anyway."

"Shut up, Porom, or I'll rearrange your ugly face so bad, it'll look like a Sandmoth crapped on it!"

"At least I'm not a little baby with fat cheeks! By Mysidian standards, I am twenty years old! I don't have fat cheeks and a fat --"

"SHUT UP!"

All the while, no one bothered to notice the seemingly secretive looks Anna's apparition and Gilbert were giving each other. Something akin to worry was exchanged, and the apparition floated closer to the magical fire pit, closer to her husband - or about as close as she could get to where he sat upon his chaise again.

"Do you think they'll ever find out?" she dared to whisper, nodding at the incredulous look Gilbert gave her. "Yes, I remember that much."

"In any case, we shouldn't focus on that now - there's plenty of time for that later," the Damcyani king replied, waving his hand as though to dismiss the thought. "Just think, Anna: to be alive again! If that True Earth Crystal cannot do it, then no one can. We have to use her!"

"She's Toroian, though, Gilbert." Anna's apparition put a hand to its ethereal mouth, in thought. Fire blazed in her eyes, though one could only wonder if it was an effect of her spirit, or of the embers in the fire pit, which were now turning ashen. "I absolutely abhor the Toroian people, Gilbert, with their unnecessary evils and frilly robes. Their houses of ill-repute could use some work as -- HEY!"

Both watched in horror as the twins - whose fight had escalated from the chaise, to standing with fists locked and teeth bared - lunged backwards and right into the fire pit, crashing with a terrible clang and clatter.

Anna's apparition recoiled as though arrows had hit her yet again. "I didn't want to die a second death!" she shrieked. Glassy dark blue eyes looked for an ember - anything - to grasp and slow her ascent back into the astral plane, but she merely shrugged., and began to fade

Gilbert was off his chaise in an instant. "Anna, no; don't go!" he yelped, reaching out for her. "I'll find the Earth Crystal, Anna; I promise! I'll never leave you again!"

"You and your misconceptions," the apparition sighed as it faded into dust. "Maybe you need another Water Hag to attack you at night!"

"I need you!" the bard king howled, falling to the floor, sobbing hysterically. "Oh, Anna, if only I had known you wanted it to kill me, I would've let it!"

Porom shoved Palom off her, and stood, hurriedly brushing at her robes. "Soot from magical sphere-coals doesn't come out easily in oasis water, does it?"

"In any case, I guess we'll be going now," Palom added, standing and grabbing his twin sister's hand in an attempt to make a beeline for the doors leading out of the observatory.

Attempt was about right.

"Oh, no; no, you two mustn't go. You're my guests, after all," Gilbert sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve. He then reached out for the mages, the sight of which stopped them dead in their tracks. "In fact, I thought we had an agreement."

The Black Mage cringed. "Whatever, man; just don't touch me with that arm."

"If I remember correctly, the Elder sent you here to help, and help you will." Edward stood, drying his eyes. He took one look at the disrupted pile of ash, then back to the twins. "He also told me that I am fit to punish you in any way, shape, or form, with valid exceptions, of course."

Porom's eyes were also on the bard king's arm, but a sudden realization made her look up. "You're saying we're grounded then, King Gilbert?"

"Not without cleaning up the fire pit, of course," he added. "Then you'll attempt to make contact with this 'Earth Crystal,' and tell her of our wishes."

Palom snorted. "And if we refuse?"

"I'm sure you'd find pleasure in sorting out my frilly dress collection, yes?" Gilbert replied, grinning. "I just acquired a new silk one not too long ago that I think you'd both love…"

The twins took one look at each other, and shuddered, though whether it was shock that the Damcyani king supposedly wore dresses, or the way his blond hair was construed amid his red, snot-and-tear drenched face, was yet to be told.