The following takes place between 10am and 12pm…
So I draw my weapon and point it in fatty's general direction and he, like, totally wets himself. It was well and truly a Kodak moment. Come to think of it I should've whipped my mobile phone out and snapped me a picture. It would've been the best office Christmas card ever. (C'mon, that deserves a lol. If you don't lol I'm gonna pummel you into goo… That's better. As you were.)
So because fatty poomba is all aghast at my ass kicking pocket sized tommy gun he doesn't realize that he's relinquished his hold on the bomb. As if this were some corny episode of the Bold and the Beautiful, time slows right down to one frame per 5 seconds with all the faded groovy fuzzed out camera effects. I do not approve, but right now I've got to save CTU so I don't have time to grab the camera man's equipment and insert it where the sun don't shine.
So anyway, like, OMG! The bomb is dropping to the floor and being Jack Bauer (you all must be so stupid because I have to keep reminding you just who I am and how much importance that holds) I think in lighting quick speed and not caring about my own safety I dart towards Edward. DAMN IT! I wish I could remember that bastard's name! Oh well, it's not my fault he's inconsequential. So I dive bomb the fatty, totally not caring if I suffer from whip-lash and smack him down to the floor. He lands on top of the bomb and I swiftly grab my weapon again, shove it upside his head and command he remain still until the bomb explodes. I figure that he's got enough flab to cushion the blow and we'll all be fine.
So we wait a couple of minutes and nothing happens. Eddie is crying and Bill is staring at me in shock, although I think it's just awe of my superiority and legendary Bauer-skills. DAMN IT!
Bill is yelling at me and I can only assume it's out of concern for my safety. You'd think he'd curb his worry, it can't be doing his kidneys any good and he's all old and stuff so he needs to relax in his "golden years". Like I've said a million times, I'm Jack Bauer, I'm like a cockroach. I can't die. It's just not plausible.
"JACK! ARE YOU INSANE? THAT BOMB ISN'T GOING TO GO OFF!"
I ponder this information at lighting quick speed, complete with flash backs to Arnold walking in with the bomb in his hand and suddenly it all make sense. How could I be so stupid? I didn't say that! If you tell anyone I said that I'm going to hunt you down and make you watch reruns of the Ferris Buller TV series for 2 weeks straight. I kid you not! DAMN IT!
That's right, Jack Bauer can laugh. DAMN IT! Contrary to office gossip, my face does not crack when I smile. Cop that! DAMN IT!
I point and laugh at Ronald and he's still crying and trying to sit up. But because he's so fat he's pretty much like a beetle on its back… only he's on his front and he looks more like a beached whale.
"That's what you get when you buy from China. Keep the profits in America next time, fat ass!"
I decide now's my time to make an exit and am, like, so tempted to kick him in the ass. But upon further deliberation I realise it may not be a good idea. I quite like my boot and I'd hate for it to become lodged somewhere in the deep dark depths of his ass cheeks. OMG! Like, ew! I could so totally barf just thinking about it. OMG!
So I make my exit in the coolest Jack Bauer fashion ever; I walk out the door putting one foot in front of the other. I know, I out do myself in coolosity. But it's just one of those moments where you had to be there to understand the full impact of the situation.
I glance at my watch and to my horror discover that it is no longer functioning. I bought it at Building 19 for 5 bucks only a week ago. Nothing lasts these days! I'm well and truly outraged…
That means someone is going to die.
So I haul ass out towards the parking lot where I left my little pink bike…
Which is now gone. So I move on to plan B.
The bus stop. Usually Jack Bauer is too cool for public transport. But today I make an exception. Because, Jack Bauer is reasonable. He's a lot of other things, too. But for the purpose of this moment I am confirming my reasonableness beyond reason… DAMN IT!
"DAMN IT!" The bus driver is being a right bastard "I told you already! I AM JACK BAUER! I DO NOT PAY FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT!"
But he's pretending that he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. So I yell in his face some more. You'd think I learnt this scare tactic from years of extensive CTU training. But no, I learnt this from Inga. She may have been a total bitch, but I'll admit that she was darned good at it. DAMN IT!
"MY WATCH IS BROKEN! THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY!!! YOU ARE 15 MINUTES LATE AND I DEMAND THAT YOU MOVE THIS VEHICLE OR I'LL MOVE IT FOR YOU! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!"
He decides to be a smart ass and points out that I can't possibly know that he was 15 minutes late if my watch is not functioning.
So I back hand him
Like you didn't see that coming?
"Like, duh! I'm Jack Bauer. I can read the time by the sun. DAMN IT!"
I get no more trouble out of him. He complies with my orders and moves the vehicle and I go to find a seat, but, like, there aren't any where I can sit on my own. So I ask some old lady to shove over.
She's all defiant, feeding me some crap about being old and unable to move. I'm not buying this crap, so I threaten to dob on her. She's still being a total wanker, so I decide to take matters into my own hands. I ball my hand into a tight fist and it's then I notice her swift agile movements. It's this very instant that I realise that she's not an old lady at all!
She's a ninja.
The fight is so on…
Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 12:00:00