Listen to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy," and you'll know where the inspiration for this piece of crack came from. Well…that and I'm currently running on two hours of sleep. SO. 8D
Warning: There is a bit of parodied (as in, I'm not doing serious shipping, here) Kakashi/Gai...implications...so be wary if that squicks you out.
The Seventy-Ninth Challenge
Kakashi was quite distressed.
"No," he said flatly. "I won't do it."
"Oh come on," Gai cajoled, a manic glint in his eyes. "It's my turn to pick, and this is what I choose."
"There's no challenge in it for you," the silver haired Jounin grated. "All you have to do is stand around and watch me get massacred."
"Rather strong word, isn't it?"
"Massacre. You won't be massacred. You'll be—"
"I said no, Gai," Kakashi repeated, and turned to walk away, leaving his eternal rival to his own amusements, but the other man wasn't about to give up so easily.
"So you're chickening out then, eh?" He bared his blindingly white teeth in a wolfish grin. "You know what that means, of course. I will be in the lead."
Kakashi couldn't care a hoot and a half about who was leading this ridiculous battle of wits—battle of complete and utter dumbassery, more like—but he didn't particularly appreciate being called a chicken.
You eat chicken. Lots of things taste like chicken. And the chicken itself was a very undignified barnyard animal.
No, Kakashi was not a chicken.
Therefore, because Kakashi was not a chicken, he had no other choice but to humor Gai and go through with this entire cockamamie scheme.
Even if it would cost him his dignity. And his clothes, probably.
Shame. Kurenai just finished laundering his vest for him that morning, and it smelled like baby powder.
Kakashi was fond of baby powder. He kept a bottle of in the cabinet above the toilet in his bathroom, and he used it after he took showers because it made his skin soft, and Kakashi was a snob about his skin. Why else do you think he wore a mask all the time?
Sure, the mask was a security system of sorts, but he really just wanted to keep his face looking young and healthy. He wasn't going to be one of those wrinkly old men whose skin looked like shoe leather.
The only downside was that the powder left behind a whitish residue that could be mistaken for…certain…bodily fluids…and Kakashi had taken heat for that before.
Lots of heat.
To the point where he was dubbed "Konoha's Not-So-Stealthy Perverted Playboy."
Though perhaps laying off the Icha Icha Paradise would do wonders for tidying up his image.
But that was neither here nor there.
The point was, his vest was squeaky clean and baby powder fresh, and it pained him to think of the trials and tribulations in store for it before the day was out.
The things one does to prove oneself is not—and thusly doesn't taste like—a chicken…
"Let's get this over with," he said, voice heavy with Impending Doom.
Gai's unnaturally large smirk grew by astronomical proportions.
"Do I know you or do I know you?" He gloated.
"Whoopee," Kakashi said.
"How far out do I have to go?"
"Hm…" Gai held his chin, pondering in a most dramatic fashion that would have put any Shakespearean hero to shame, and then replied, "How about to the Yamanaka flower shop and back? It's near the middle of the village, which is fair."
"Fine," Kakashi said, resisting the urge to engage in some theatrics himself and sigh loudly and exaggeratedly. Instead, he settled for a terse grunt and pulled his mask down, already feeling rather naked and exposed.
Kakashi did not like feeling naked and exposed.
He did not like Gai for making him feel naked and exposed.
The next challenge was his choice, and he decided right then that he would tell Gai to shave his head bald and wear a dress. With polka dots. And a poodle decal.
Kakashi no longer felt as naked and exposed. Maybe this game of Russian roulette was bearable after all.
"Well…here I go," he declared, and took his first step onto no man's land.
Since he was a ninja, and a Jounin to boot, Kakashi's sense of self-preservation—sort of like Spidey senses, but way cooler—kicked in, and he went on the defensive. The slightest hint of shady activity, and he was booking it the hell out of there.
Strolling leisurely, or so it appeared, he held his head high, wincing inwardly at the damage the sun must be doing to his face. His eyes flicked left and right, sizing up potential enemies, and he noticed that more than a few people were staring at him with open appreciation.
Not all of them were female.
He couldn't decide how he felt about that. And it didn't help that he heard Gai's voice in his mind calling him "Konoha's Not-So-Stealthy Perverted Playboy" and laughing like a mad scientist on grave-pillaging night.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Kakashi knew he wasn't a chicken, and he was fairly positive he didn't taste like one, so what Gai said really made no difference.
But…it did. Because, if Kakashi were honest with himself, he didn't want Gai in the lead.
He continued walking. People continued staring. Gai continued to trail along behind him, snickering into his hand.
It wasn't until they were a few meters from the Yamanaka Flower Shop that things got ugly.
"Oh my god," came one hushed female voice. "Look! It's…it's him!"
There was a sharp, and very audible, intake of breath as another female voice said, "He's not wearing his mask."
"Holy hell," said yet another.
Kakashi was nervous now. He knew how possessed young ladies became when they saw something to their liking, and he knew that their behavior in this state often bordered on cannibalistic. They were looking at him like they wanted to eat him. And their multitudes were increasing. Rapidly.
"Er…Gai," he said tightly over his shoulder, "I think it's time to run."
The Green Beast scoffed at that. "We're not there yet," he said. "You have to stand in front of the shop first, and then we can leave. Unless you want to lose…"
Kakashi grit his teeth. "No…seriously, Gai. We need to run. This is bad news—"
This was where the threat to his clothes came in.
In the blink of an eye, the crowd of ladies had morphed into a Ravening Horde, and they converged upon their prey with a singular intent to…do things that would never, under any circumstances, be branded with a PG rating.
Hatake Kakashi was a ninja, and he knew when to flee.
So he spun around on his heel and took off, grabbing Gai by the collar of his shirt as he passed him.
Thus commenced the mother of all wild goose chases, one that would go down in infamy—and convince many legions of obsessive women that Kakashi and Gai had the hots for each other.
"Quick!" Kakashi shouted, dragging the hapless Gai around a bend and into an alleyway. They weren't safe for more than a minute—the Horde found them, and drove them back.
"This…is insane," Gai sputtered as Kakashi jerked at him. "Where did they come from?"
Kakashi's first thought was hell, but he didn't say that.
"Who cares, just move!"
And the alley ended.
By a cruel twist of fate, someone had dumped an overflowing garbage bag in the alley—because…it was an alley—and it happened to be in a spot that rendezvoused with their route of escape.
Kakashi went down first.
Gai landed on top of him.
The Horde froze, no mean feat, since they were still crowded in the alley.
And one lone exclamation seemed to echo louder than a thunderclap, with the same effect.
"OH MY GOD! THEY'RE LOVERS!"
Later, Kakashi counted how many seconds Gai's mouth was on his out of sheer, morbid curiosity. That, and he had a bit of a masochistic streak.
Forty-seven seconds. Flat.
Those were the longest forty-seven seconds of his life.
And they put a whole new spin on this eternal rivalry business, horrifyingly enough.
Forget the polka-dotted poodle dress.
Gai was going to wear a corset and fishnets to atone for this one.
"Do you remember that time when I challenged you to walk to the Yamanaka Flower Shop without your mask?"
Kakashi almost choked on his ramen, and Asuma had to reach over and slap him on the back a few times.
"Shut up, Gai," he wheezed. "Please, just shut up."
Kurenai and Asuma both snorted. Oh, they'd heard the story. Everyone of their generation had.
"But it's funny!" Gai protested. "Running didn't even work, because they caught us anyway—"
Kakashi flung noodles at Gai's face, and he shut up.
Some grudges stick around. And Kakashi had a huge grudge.
Gai never wore the corset and fishnets.
Forty-seven seconds of mental and emotional scarring, and Gai didn't wear them.
There was a reason that Kakashi was so neurotic these days.