With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!
Chapter One – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girl friend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!
Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.
Location: Red Dwarf – Rank: 2nd Technician - Year: 2278 – January 1st
That doesn't sound very macho. This diary will be read through the ages as the beginnings of greatness. My every word written here will be pored over by scholars for centuries to come!
I bet Napoleon didn't start off his diary before the Battle of Borodino with "Dear Diary, today I face 120,000 heavily armed Russians, must remember to set up forwarding on my mail to Moscow. I mean what can possibly go wrong? Oh yes, will send a letter to Mummsy asking if she can send me the longer of my two scarves, it's getting a bit parky out here!".
No, too impersonal.
To the readers of the future! This means you!
Lister, stop reading this, you smelly rectum faced discharge of a man!
Anyway the reason for this diary is that Listy and I had a small argument. You know, just a teensy disagreement. It was New Year's Eve; I had planned a night in, revising for my exam in six months time, and Lister basically said that was really sad and why didn't I go out? I wouldn't get a girlfriend staring at a desk all the time.
The upshot is that I bet him a hundred dollar pounds I could get a girlfriend by the end of the month! Well I must admit it didn't start off at a hundred dollar pounds; it started off as ten but it's amazing how expensive a chicken impression can be!
I mean how hard can it be?
If someone like Lister, for whom soap is a four-letter word, can get a girlfriend, I should be able to easily!
I must remember every word I write here will prove I am a man of future greatness and a greater lover than Casanova and Byron put together! Anyway here we go!
Had cheese on toast today, or as the Welsh call it, Welsh Rarebit. Why cheese is rare in Wales I don't know, or is only a bit of the cheese rare in Wales? I don't know. Remind me to look this up!
How would Bonaparte get a girlfriend?
Probably invade Austria.
Not much help. What about Caesar?
Again probably invade Austria. What is it with Austria? Do dictators get a travel brochure through the post? "Invasion – the magazine for World Dictators. This month Austria! You came! You saw! You conquered! You bought at our nice little souvenir stand!"
I can't really invade anywhere in a month. Especially considering I have possibly the most important job on the ship, the team leader in charge of Z shift! Cleaning and refilling drinks machines on the ship! You know the Captain was really complimentary about me yesterday? He said, "Thank god you are only in charge of degunking chicken soup machines!" That was after he got a rather strange chicken and blackcurrant soup combination and had to get carted off to the medic bay.
Anyway I have decided to take a long hard look at myself to decide why I am still single.
I am perfect; it must be women at fault!
That is what this diary is for! A guide to all red-blooded men to show them how it is done!
However I do think my waistline might be putting women off a tad. I first thought it might be a problem when I found myself cutting extra holes in my belt.
I wouldn't have minded but I got the belt from Lister and to say he is a bit podgy is like saying the Sahara is a bit warm. I mean I'm not saying Lister has a big bottom but when I was standing behind him at the zoo on Mimas a family of elephants fell asleep in his shadow.
My waistline is growing after three weeks of the 'patented Lister lard diet'. I think I'll have to give that up.
I was taking a swim last week in the sea at Mimas and I nearly got caught by a Japanese Whaling ship.
However a bonus on this is that I have been asked to play the lead role in a new film of Moby Dick. They did say they would need a special wide-angle lens. Must go on a diet.
Also tomorrow I will buy some tighter trousers, since everyone knows women love a man in tight trousers, and walk around the deck to see what attention I will get!
Apologies for not writing anything yesterday. I got these marvellous trousers, a full two sizes smaller than my normal pair yesterday. I had to breathe in to put them on and they were slightly tight it has to be said.
My speech to Z shift before they started their cleaning rota of the vending machines was in such a high pitch it shattered glass. On the plus side I've been invited to sing the high notes on the next Gilbert and Sullivan Mikado show.
I must admit I'm proud of my team though.
Proud of them!
It shows what excellent leadership qualities I have! I really inspire loyalty and camaraderie in them.
The reason I say this, dear diary, is that my trousers were so tight I stopped breathing and passed out at the end of my speech.
Did my team panic at this?
Did my team stop work?
No, they carried on working around me! Even though their gallant leader was turning the kind of colour that rivals a beetroot and he was hyperventilating as he struggled to breathe, they did their full eight-hour shift, plus two hours overtime and three hours down the ships bar to relax, before taking me to the medical bay!
It brings a tear to my eye, it really does (or is that the tight trousers). I mean I must really inspire the men!
An excellent day because the security force on Red Dwarf have given me a warning for wearing too tight trousers!
Obviously they think I attract the women too much and stop them from working! That hundred dollar pounds will soon be mine! Although they did say something about breaking the obscenity laws.
Not that I need the help but I have decided to invest some of my dollar pounds on a book called "Secrets of the Perfect Date." It's written by someone called Lee Humdinger.
I have ordered it through the ship's Book Service, I have used a false name to hide the fact it's me! Rather clever I thought. I spelled my name backwards. Dlonra Remmir, and put on a foreign accent! No one will know it's me!
I got yet another warning from the security force, this time for attempting to acquire a book by deception.
Haven't they got anything better to do with their time?
Anyway the book turned up!
Slight trouble opening the case since the handcuffs they used were a little tight.
Also remind me to have words with Lister. His idea of humour with the security guards as they dragged me away: "Give him an anal probe!" Could not have been worse timed. I mean what was he thinking?
Still have trouble sitting down.
My team were really good about it though! They got a little cushion with a hole in the middle of it for me and they even said I should be able to talk more clearly after that. They obviously thought my mouth was being washed out or something!
Anyway the cover is off!
It's a book about perfect dates!
Curious it has a picture of a palm tree on the front? Oh well, must be a romantic picture.
Let's read the first page. "The Date Palm Phoenix dactylifera is a palm, extensively cultivated for its edible fruit."
Must be conversation starters for a first date.
Let's flick through a few pages.
Ooh, it's called Abid Rahim in Sudanese! What an icebreaker!
You know, diary, as I look through this I think it might not be what I thought it was.
Oh, I see, Date as in the fruit!
I knew that of course! A man of my greatness and intellect.
A book on fruits!
Just what I wanted.
Right, no mucking about this time; let's see what other books there are. "Information about dates."
Let's check that out.
Right. Date, the city in Japan. Of course.
Oh, it's on route 37! How fascinating! I'll bring that up in the next team briefing; I always like to end on a light-hearted note.
According to my inspiring speeches guide I should always throw in a few jokes at the end of the speech.
You know, it's another reason why I'm so lucky with my team! They anticipate! I've obviously drilled that into them! They even anticipate my jokes. Before I even start talking they start laughing and pointing at me! And they always maintain a sombre respectful silence before my jokes. And after them as well. I mean that is how much I'm respected!
Anyway, let's look at some more books. 'Sexual Attraction – A Man's Guide.'
That's for me!
Not that I need it of course, dear diary! A macho man like me.
That reminds me I need to order some more pink roses for the room. Lister's bodily odours seem to have killed off the others.
You know, this is getting to be a bad habit, dear diary. I was dragged off by the security team yet again! I'll explain what happened.
My new book arrived and it recommended I hang out (literally) in the men's toilet and wear tight leather trousers. It also said to grow a moustache.
I had a bit of trouble growing a moustache in just a day but I found a fake one in a theatrical shop.
Anyway I was hanging out at the men's toilets and got talking to a lovely man called Kenneth. Strangely, he was wearing the same as I was. Obviously got the same book. A curious lack of women round there, though.
I digress. It turns out he was an undercover security officer and he arrested me for soliciting. Isn't that what lawyers do? How come you never hear about them getting arrested?
That reminds me, my team talk was very strange today. They edged into the room with their backs against the wall and left very quickly to work afterwards.
I inspire the men so much they are really keen to get to work! I'm obviously the best manager they've ever had. Remind me to write a book called 'Rimmer Management Techniques' after this, or 'You too could be as loved and respected as Arnold Rimmer'.
I've decided to throw that book on sexual attraction away. On the plus side Lister has said he will sleep elsewhere for a few days. 'Till I stop being strange.' Which has to be said is a bonus. Most people with roommates have to sleep with earplugs; I have to sleep with nose plugs!
Anyway, twenty-four days to get a girlfriend and prove to Lister what a smeghead he is and how mature I am! And more importantly get a hundred dollar pounds off Listy!
Fortunately, dear diary, I have some great ideas!