I haven't written anything in a while, but I saw a challenge on Fiction Alley and I couldn't resist. So, thanks spiritualwitch! I tried to be funny, but I'm not sure if it is... You be the judge!
Severus Snape sighed contentedly. It was almost time for another Defence Against the Dark Arts class. Finally, after long years of fighting for this position, he was the professor. The novelty of being able to say this had not quite yet worn off, and consequently, Severus liked to remind himself of this as often as possible. His first class for the day was most unfortunately the one which held the insufferable sixth year, Harry Potter. However, as they were due to start dueling today, Severus was optimistic that he would have a chance to see him beaten, hopefully in a way that would be very embarrassing for the young Potter.
As he swept into his class, all mutterings immediately died down. All attention turned to Severus. "As you doubtless already know, we will be starting dueling today. Memorizing spells straight out of books will not carry you through this section of the class." Here he paused momentarily to allow these words to sink in, allowing his gaze to linger on Hermione Granger just a few seconds longer than necessary. "This will be purely practical, and will contain many exhibition—"
The door banged open, cutting off Severus's speech. Red-faced and panting, Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom stumbled into the classroom. Longbottom was clutching a paper bag tightly, trying, unsuccessfully, to hide it.
"So the Chosen One has decided to grace us with his presence. Or is this a topic that he has no need for?" The Slytherins snickered to one another, already trying to guess what the punishment for this tardiness would be.
"No. I was—" Potter started to explain, before being cut off by Severus.
"I have no use for excuses. Five points from Gryffindor," Severus said, pausing slightly to watch their expressions, "each." Potter opened his mouth, ready to argue, but Longbottom tugged on his sleeve, pulling him to his seat.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you will also duel against each other, and the best will finally duel against me, if I deem them worthy."
This brought up many mutterings, and Finnegan shouted out, "Harry," over all this noise. His classmates agreed as they all started chanting Potter's name. The idiot in question sunk down in his seat, feigning embarrassment. Some of Severus's Slytherins attempted to stop this, instead nominating Draco, but they were drowned out by the many shouts against them.
"So," the class quieted again, fearing a mass punishment, "you seem to think that Potter is the best among you?" There were sounds of agreement, and so Severus continued, now addressing Potter, "Your classmates put a lot of faith in you." Again students voiced their agreement. "But is their judgment misguided? Tell me, Potter, can you even fight your way out of a paper bag?"
Potter flushed, arguing that he could and being backed up by a large part of the class. Then Weasley said something very, very stupid in response to one of the Slytherins: "prove it!"
"Oh, I intend to. However, it will be Potter himself who proves his incompetence." Spying the bag that Longbottom had brought in, Severus pointed his wand at it. "And Longbottom has proven to actually be useful." Despite the boy's protests, the bag started growing until it was more than twice Severus's size. Another nonverbal spell, and Potter was floating to the top of the bag. None too gently, Severus dropped the wriggling boy into the bag, closing the top quickly.
The class watched the bag, breathless as there was a thump of someone hitting the floor. A groan was heard, and a shuffling as Potter got to his feet. "Oh come on, it's dark in here! Lumos. That's better." Then there was a loud scream. Potter's frantic voice could clearly be heard saying, "Good toad, good Trevor, don't move…"
Longbottom buried his head in his arms after a few embarrassed apologies. The class let out a few giggles: some worried, some amused. Some people had questions, and others suggestions. "How big is it? Are you afraid? It can't see you if you don't move! Aim for the eyes!" After hearings the suggestions for some of the spells, Longbottom joined in the shouting, saying, "Don't hurt him!"
Inside the bag, Harry was panicking. He could fight his way out of a paper bag, of course he could. But a giant toad? That was something he had never considered. Trevor was around fifteen times his regular size and at the size of a large dog, was quite intimidating. Not to mention the fact that his croaking was giving Harry a splitting headache.
Harry considered his options. He could simply blast his way out of the bag, but then giant Trevor would be released. If he tried offensive spells, however, Trevor might be hurt and Neville wouldn't like that, no matter what Harry's reasoning was. As if on cue, Neville's shouting reached Harry's ears, begging for mercy on his beloved pet. But would defensive spells work? There was only one way to find out.
The first few stupefies didn't work as well as Harry had hoped, and he had to dodge a long tongue as it whipped around his ankles. Like a demented game, Harry hopped over this tongue, almost stomping on it more than once. Impedimenta had no more affect than stupefy, though that in no way stopped Harry from trying it. Shooting sparks at the eyes did nothing but enrage Trevor, inciting him to follow Harry around the bottom of the bag.
After more exercise like this, Harry started running backwards so he could watch the toad as it hopped. Harry ran into quite a few "walls" this way, but he also noticed that Trevor exposed his sensitive belly when he jumped. Trying impedimenta again, Harry was pleased to see the toad slow down. Another stupefy, and Trevor was quiet and unharmed.
The class noticed the sudden silence and many called out to know what had happened. Harry reassured them all, though he was quite sure that he heard a few boos of disappointment that must have come from the Slytherins.
The toad problem was solved, but Harry still had to get out of the paper bag. As compared to a giant toad, this had seemed easy, but now Harry was having second thoughts. It was a pretty big bag, and Snape had gone to the trouble of sealing it…
Halfheartedly, Harry poked the bag with his wand, hoping that he bag might rip. No such luck, however, as the bag remained undamaged. He sighed, flopping down to sit, staring at the immobile toad in front of him.
Harry tried to levitate himself up to the top, but no luck: the farther he got, the harder he fell when he failed. His blasting spells simply rebounded off the "walls," just barely missing him. After trying a myriad of spells, Snape decided to inform him that the bag was impervious to most destructive curses and therefore would have to be weakened.
After physically trying to free himself and letting out all his anger, Harry started to think. He was rubbish at conjuring, so he plucked out a few of his hairs and tried to transfigure them into a needle or any other sharp object. When he finally got a needle, he spent a considerable amount of time trying to poke a hole in the bag until the needle broke.
Pausing to finally consider Snape's words, Harry realized that he would have to weaken the bag before trying to get out. Having always considered paper to be rather weak, especially as compared to parchment, it took Harry some time to think of water. He had just learned the spell in Charms, and would now have to perform it successfully. After soaking a large part of the wall in front of him, Harry only needed one reducto to blow a large hole in the bag.
Blinded by the sunlight, Harry squinted his eyes and walked out of the bag and straight into a wall. Eyes now opened properly, Harry rubbed his injured nose, and squeezed in between the wall and bag, finally free.
His classmates seemed to be quite surprised to finally see him. Dean shouted, "Took you long enough!" accurately expressing the feelings of everyone in the class.
Snape was sitting at his desk, grading papers and seeming quite bored. "Congratulations, Potter, you managed to waste your whole class period in a bag." The bag and Trevor inside of it were restored to proper size with a lazy wave of a wand, which Neville quickly claimed.
"The class has read and summarized the chapters 8 through 10 in your textbook. That will be your homework for today. Class dismissed."
Harry gaped at his professor. All that trouble for nothing? Hermione and Ron hurried to his side, bombarding him with questions. Neville demanded what he did to Trevor. Malfoy insulted him yet again. Harry simply groaned. What a day! And it wasn't even halfway done…