Disclaimer The concept of Harry Potter and all that it entails is property of it's creator, JK Rowling. No infringement upon her copyrighted material is intended.
Summary Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin are bitter rivals in everything, including love. Rowena Ravenclaw just might not be as interested as they think she is. Contains femslash, male bravado, insinuation, snark. Rated K+.
Notes Parody. Because I'm tired of love triangles within the founders. I didn't bother with researching the time period, as it's not particularly relevant. Also, I normally don't write parodies because I don't really think I'm funny. This, however, wrote itself. Constructive crit is appreciated.
A Peculiar Incidence Regarding R. Ravenclaw
On Tuesday, Rowena Ravenclaw's study was guarded by a heavy oak door and polite sign. While the door was a fairly constant fixture, the sign was not. In fact, it had appeared only five days ago. It was short, succinct, and written in Rowena's unmistakable handwriting – Do Not Disturb, Or I Will Murder You – and while Godric was very brave and Salazar very clever, there was a magical aura radiating from the room that promised violence if troubled
"She's deciding," Godric croaked. They were the first two words he had spoken for five days. He rubbed the stubble on his chin and glared at the floor. He had been glaring at the floor a lot recently, which really wasn't surprising. His other options were the door with its damn infuriating sign or Salazar, with his damn infuriating self.
"Deciding what, Godric?"
"Deciding between the two of us. Obviously."
Salazar rolled his eyes, a gesture rather lost on Godric because he was staring at the floor. "Obviously not, Godric. There's nothing to decide. She can have you, or she can have me. The choice is already made for her."
"That's what you'd like to think, Slytherin. Rowena's a smart girl. She wouldn't want a slimy little coward like you."
The smirk was evident in Salazar's voice. "Mm, and you think Rowena's more attracted to stupidity and impulsive acts of heroics. You just said she was smart."
Godric narrowed his eyes into slits; his stare strengthened and he thought maybe the floor gave a quiver of fear. "I am not – you – I can't believe – ugh, just shut up."
"You know, I haven't seen Helga in days," Godric said a few hours later, still, of course, glaring at the floor.
"Helga. Helga Hufflepuff. You know, that other girl. The one with the badgers. Blonde. Curvy. Nice tits. Maybe we should organize a search party."
"Why to you care?"
"Because, Salazar, she's one of us. The founders. We're a team."
"Bull. You only care because you're gallant and courageous and supposed to care. You don't really, you're just putting up a front. It's useless – I can see straight through you, Gryffindor."
Godric gaped. "That's not – I mean – how can you say – I can't believe – I care about Helga! She could be dead."
"If she were dead, then we could dissolve her house and take the students we want."
"That would be – "
"Brilliant," Salazar cut in, finishing the sentence before Godric got that chance. "After all, with a name like Hufflepuff…"
Godric pulled a face. At the floor. And then ran his hands through his hair. And then smashed his hands to his temples like it would somehow stop his raging headache. Then he sighed. "She has a right. Her last name doesn't make her a bad person. And I certainly don't want her to die," he said, but the defense was hollow to his own ears.
"She named the school Hogwarts."
"It's – " Godric finally looked away from the floor and at Salazar. The other man raised his eyebrows, daring him to finish his sentence. Defending Helga's last name he could do, but even chivalry only went so far. "It's a terrible name," he confessed, "we're probably the laughing stock of the Wizarding world."
"So, no search party?"
"No search party."
Godric went back to looking at the floor and Salazar went back to doing whatever he was doing. Probably plotting to murder all the muggleborn students in their sleep, or something. Either way, he certainly didn't want to know what went on in the other man's mind.
Godric tried widening his eyes, thinking perhaps maybe that would make his glare more frightening. The floor didn't so much as wince. Godric glared harder, putting all of his hatred behind his eyes. The floor remained perfectly stoic.
"What on earth are you doing, Gryffindor. Trying to scare the floor?"
"I – " he cut himself out, realizing that was exactly what he was doing. "Shut up."
"I hate my life," Salazar said. It was a spontaneous statement, completely out of the blue, and it once again drew Godric's gaze away from the floor and to his companion.
"Well, I hate you," Godric returned evenly.
"I'm not evil," Salazar hissed, ignoring the other man. "I'm cunning, and there is no where that cunning equates to evil. I haven't done anything wrong, even!"
Godric choked on air and promptly burst into a coughing fit. Salazar gave him a few hearty whacks on the back, and when he had regained his composure, he turned to Salazar. "You've done nothing wrong?" Godric was incredulous.
"I believe I just said that," Salazar said, pouting.
"Salazar you – "
"And I bet you, I just bet you, in the future I'll have the reputation as the most fearsome Dark wizard ever, never mind that I'm not really Dark at all. I'm misunderstood, Godric. That's it. Misunderstood. I haven't actually done anything."
"Salazar, you do realize that you are responsible for the deaths of at least fifty muggles and muggleborns? That you shout racial slurs at the students based on their blood status and you're breeding a basilisk in the basement of the school?"
Salazar stared at him, sticking out his lip mulishly. "How is any of that even remotely wrong?"
Palm to face and Godric didn't bother responding. Salazar would be…Salazar.
"I say we burst through the door," Godric stated. It was four a.m. on a Wednesday morning.
"I say you've just hit rock bottom," Salazar retorted. "Criminal insanity, Godric? Really, that's not in character for you at all."
"I say we're going to go insane waiting. Besides, she could be dead or something."
"I say you're being stupid."
"I say that I'll tell the entire school about your shrine, Salazar. You know. The one in your closet."
"I say – " Salazar cut himself off. "Wait, how do you know about that?"
"You told me one night. Firewhiskey."
"That's not playing fair. You're supposed to be the good guy."
Godric raised an eyebrow. "I'm brave, Salazar, not a saint."
Salazar scowled at him. "So. My options are to burst through that door and probably end up loosing at least one valuable appendage or be revealed to the entire world, read: the school, as not only insanely evil wizard, but one with a … ?" He trailed off, unable to say the final bit aloud.
Godric considered this a moment. "Yes, that pretty much sums it up."
"Well, while I do value my limbs, the thought of the entire school laughing at me really does chill me. I mean, after all, I do have a reputation to maintain. Everyone thinks I'm evil, but at least I inspire fear and respect. If the news about that got out, well … fine. Let's storm Rowena's study."
Godric smiled. It was a slow smile that spread across his face. It was a smile that said his adrenaline was pumping, that he was excited. It was a smile that made Salazar shiver, because he was pretty sure he didn't want anything to do with whatever was making Godric excited. He turned to face the door and looked at Salazar. "Shall we?"
They burst through the door together, Salazar crying "have you made your choice?" and Godric screaming "we will save you, sweet Rowena!"
The scene that met them took exactly six seconds to sink through Salazar's skull, and eleven seconds to sink through Godric's.
They ran out of the room together. With a whimper.
"Well, she choose," Salazar said as he leaned against the door, nonchalant.
"And we know where Helga got off to," Godric added.
"She does have nice tits."
"Yeah, apparently Rowena thinks so too."
They were silent for a while after that.
That night, Godric and Salazar went drinking.