by Ebony


beginning notes: The title and all Russian words used came from Dir en grey's 'Deity'. Please correct me if I have any inaccuracies, expect double meanings in everything (as usual), enjoy and please review.

Warnings: Actually listing any would give away the story, but know it's a light R, so read at your own risk.

Blanket Disclaimer: I have no rights to the characters of Naruto, nor the lyrics or quotes I use. This writing, however, is mine.

There's no way out, the only way out is to give in.
When there's no way out, the only way out is to give in.
How I love to, how I love to,
How I love to give in…

- from 'Empty', by Metric


Dear Sasuke,

Please keep this letter to yourself, and only yourself. It was written for just you, little brother, and feel free to burn it with the matches in the third drawer of my dresser (the one I hide the chocolates in) if you feel it necessary. You can have what's left of the chocolate too.

I guess the first thing I should say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've dragged you into this and that you'll be affected by it. You don't deserve any of it, but at this point, there really isn't anything I can do about it. There are many things I should do right now, but this apology is all I can really manage. Perhaps after all this has settled, if it ever does, I'll be able to give you an explanation, though I myself am still unsure of just what is happening. Isn't it strange, that even though I am the cause, at the centre of all this mess, I'm still uncertain?

Strange but fitting, I think.

In any case, I don't know how much Mother or Father have told you, but I doubt much of what Father said was true and what Mother said was probably glossed, that is to say she was telling only half-truths. Please do not blame her for any of this. Father, though… Sasuke, please don't listen to what he'll say to you, and don't let him hurt you anymore. Please. I have a feeling I won't be around to protect you for much longer, and you're going to have to start standing up for yourself. Remember what I kept telling you last night; it is not your fault, and he has no right to do what he does.

Oh, there. That is the other thing I meant to say. I'm sorry for the way I acted last night, and sorry you had to see and experience what you did… It wasn't right of me. I beg you forget it. The truth is, I've come to care about you a bit too much, especially now that Shisui is gone – no, dead; you're not a child, no point in pretending like I'm hiding it from you. They've probably told you lots of lies about that too, and I can prove them wrong with nothing but your trust, which I hardly deserve. Not now.

You see, Sasuke, I think there might be something wrong with me. People throw around words like 'genius' and 'perfect', but they don't really know what they're talking about. Perfection… is something human beings pursue, but can never reach. It's pointless but we still try, all so hard… Please forgive me; I've gotten everything all mixed up, and don't really know anything for certain anymore. I don't know what to tell you to make things clear.

I've broken far too many of the promises I've made to you already. I don't want to destroy any more.

All I really want you to know is that I love you, Sasuke, and I am sorry, so goddamn sorry… Sorry I didn't laugh or smile or make time for you more often, and sorry I let what Father did go on for as long as it has. I would take it all back if I could. I'd go back to those days in August, years ago, when we ate too much ice cream and laid in the shade all afternoon, just us, because I think those were some of the only times in my life I've ever been happy, and I have you to thank for that. You, Sasuke, are the only good part of me left.

Looking back over this letter, it doesn't make all that much sense, but hopefully you'll know what I mean. I'm terribly, terribly sorry, little brother. Please don't remember me this way.