After his disastrous fifth year at the Death Eater Boot Camp, err… we mean Hogwarts School of Bewitchery and Manipulations, err… You know where we mean.
Anyway, fifth year sucked. Visions and nightmares gave Harry a horrid temper and he took it out on everyone around him. Since then, he had inadvertently caused his Godfather's death, and discovered a prophecy which meant he might actually need all those friends he had been alienating. A logical breakdown of the situation and how it came about led him to a few conclusions.
1. Dumbledore is an incompetent fool to have let Voldemort gain power in the first place. Did he take a thirty year nap after killing Grindewald or something? It should have been obvious he was evil, the killing people thing is generally a good clue. As are gathering minions and changing your name to something sinister.
2. He had a "power the Dark Lord knew not". Given that Voldemort had studied at Hogwarts and had a stable set of teachers with no one trying to kill him, Harry would never win unless he thought outside the box.
3. Dumbledore is a manipulative bastard. Enough said.
4. Harry needed to train this new power. After he found it.
5. He needed to buy supplies. Training is hard to do if ill prepared.
6. He needed someone to help him. It would be easier if he had someone he could trust to tell him when he was screwing up.
7. He could not trust his overly trusting friends to keep secrets from the incompetent meddling old coot.
Now that he had that sorted out in his mind it was time for action! Oh, and it was also time for pancakes. Pancakes clearly had priority over self preservation, maple syrup is good like that.
Harry snuck up behind Mad Eye Moody with vengeance in his eyes. The paranoid old bastard wasn't nearly paranoid enough if he forgot that wearing an invisibility cloak and then laying down for a nap on un-mown grass was a bad idea. Harry was within a few feet, wearing his own cloak, when Moody spoke.
"Potter, what do you think…"
Harry brained him with a broken chair leg. Time to make his escape to meet his new advisor at Gringotts. What's a good shopping trip without visiting the Goblins first? A lot more pleasant that's what.
He raised his wand and called the Knight Bus. It popped out with a bang and off-loaded several figures with black cloaks and white masks. Evidently the invisibility cloak was a good idea.
"Alright everyone, remember, Dumbledore told us that he is moping in grief right now. Insult Sirius Black and make him angry enough to attack without thinking. Even if we all die, the ministry will have his arse over this. Leave the muggles alone. They hate him and he doesn't care if they die."
The figures approached the door, they rang the bell. "Excuse me Mr. Dursley, we are here to kill that worthless freak of yours, may we come in?"
At that point the Knight Bus pulled away and Harry lost his chance to see what would happen next. Add another point on the Lord Dumbles shit list…
Harry walked into Gringotts and approached one of the Goblins. "I need to visit my vault."
"Of course Harry. Right this way."
"That's awfully familiar of you. Has Gringotts instituted mandatory courtesy training now?"
"Heavens no! Surely you remember me… I am Griphook, I took you on your first cart ride… Is any of this ringing a bell?"
"I am sorry, no. So this isn't the way everyone else is being treated these days? I hate being treated differently on account of who I am. Treat me like everyone else please."
"Okay then. Hurry up and get in the cart you smelly human! Stop talking to me and wasting my time, time is money and you are disrupting bank business!"
"Much better, thank you."
"Oh, by the way, before I slip too far into the angry goblin act, Sirius Black left you quite a chunk of change in his will, it and the deeds to his property have been transferred to your vault."
"Thank you Griphook."
After grabbing a big bag of gold, Harry exited the bank looking for his new advisor. He found her looking intently at something behind a rubbish bin.
"Hello Luna, thanks for agreeing to help me."
"Hello Harry. Why did you ask me anyway? I would think you could ask Ronald or Hermione. They have helped you on all your other adventures."
"Well, I need to start thinking and acting in a way the Dark Lord will never expect. You are the best person to help me do that."
"Ah, so you've finally decided to give up your sanity and join me on the purple side?"
"There are three types of magic, Light, Dark, and Purple. I am the Purple Lady Moonshine, plotting daily to confuse the weak and baffle the wise! Mwahahahaha!"
"If you say so. Yes I will join you on the purple side."
"Excellent, now I just need to mark you as one of my followers and you shall reign from my right hand!"
"Wait, you're marking followers?"
"Voldemort gives everyone tattoos, Dumbledore gives them a shiny necklace, I place a pair of pink lip prints on my followers lips."
"Ok, I guess that doesn't sound too bad. You don't torture your followers do you?"
"Nope, I may hit them with an occasional tickling charm when they start acting too normally, but no torture."
"Excellent. I guess I will be joining you then."
She grabbed the front of his robes and yanked his head lower. She snogged him deep and hard for a few seconds before releasing him.
"Wow, that was… My Lady, I am not sure the Mark stuck, maybe you ought to try again."
"Nice try minion, now lets go shopping."
"Ok, first we ought to head towards the luggage store, maybe get one of those cool trunks like Moody had."
They cackled insanely as they made their way down Diagon Alley.
"Welcome to Travelling Trunks, how may we… Oh, I see. Hold on just a minute I'll go get it."
"Get what? What do you mean?"
"Well you are clearly a moody and depressed youth looking to get out from under the thumb of a meddling old coot. I just thought I'd go get the starter kit."
"What's in the moody youth starter kit?"
"A seven compartment Auror standard trunk, a small library of hexes and jinxes not taught at Hogwarts including an introduction to the Dark Arts, self refilling food cabinets, and the rooms in the seventh compartment are warded against the ministry underage magic detection."
"Wow, that really is a great kit. Do you sell many?"
"No, not really. The last one we sold was to one… T. M. Riddle. He seemed really hacked off about something as well. I wonder if he ever succeeded in getting out from under that manipulative bastard of a transfiguration teacher he had."
"Not really, I know him. That blasted old man is still trying to hunt him down and deal with him, "for the greater good." Hmm, well we will take two. Is there anyway to travel between them?"
"Of course, all our moody youth trunks have a built in floo system, just say the name of the other person, and away you go."
"Well I assume you've already stolen a big bag of gold from your family vaults to pay for this?"
"Yes of course, isn't that the first stop on every moody youth shopping trip?"
"Well that will be 867 galleons for the two, you can shrink them by pressing the brass circle and saying 'shrink'."
They paid and left the store.
"Well that was exceedingly convenient, so what's next on my spiral down to the purple side?"
"You are going to need at least one new pet. Only normal wizards have one familiar. Purple wizards are either alone, or else have a lot of familiars. It can be lonely to be the only sane voice in an insane world."
"Somehow that makes sense coming from you. Lead the way Luna."
"Hello, welcome to Magical Menagerie, what can we do for you?"
"Hello, I am looking for an unusual pet, or maybe pets. I thought I'd look around and see what you've got other than the standard owls, toads, and cats."
"Excellent idea. So few people realize that just because the rules say first years can only bring those animals doesn't mean that upper years can't bring whatever they please."
"I never heard of that."
"Oh, its just a little loophole most people don't see."
Luna spoke up, "Do you have any flying monkeys?"
"No Miss Lovegood and I still don't know why you come in here every week asking for them. There are no flying monkeys."
"But we did just get a pair of penguins. Maybe that would be good for your personality."
"Can they talk?"
"Yes, but so far they can only say 'slide' in a questioning tone."
Harry looked around the shop for a few minutes, looking at all the unusual creatures. There were a variety of snakes he could talk to, but that would be too obvious. There was a phoenix egg in stasis, but the price was astronomical and it put up too much of a "good guy" image. Supposedly he was on the insane side now and he needed to find something that reflected that. He eventually found something that looked interesting.
"Excuse me Ma'am, but what makes these magical Mongooses magical? What are their abilities?"
"Well, aside from being able to speak parseltongue, which they use to taunt snakes before killing them, they can also teleport to their masters side whenever he calls their names."
"Brilliant, I will take them both!"
Luna and Harry paid for their new friends and stopped for an ice cream.
"So what are you going to name the mongooses Harry?"
"Killroy and Bertha. What about the penguins?"
"But they are both male, why Bertha? This is Angel, and to my left is Devil. I'm assigning them the job of being my conscience."
"I know they are both male, it just ensures that Bertha is permanently in a bad mood and ready for a fight. And who would mess with someone named Killroy?"
"You're learning fast my apprentice."
"I have always prided myself on learning some things faster than others."
"Hmm… It looks like your mark has rubbed off, get over here and let me mark you again."
"Rubbed off? Your marks can be rubbed off?"
"Well of course, it was only lipstick. Now get over here."
He happily complied.
"Mmmm… so what is next my Lady?"
"Well, according to the checklist from the moody youth starter kit we need to pick up more dark arts books and visit a junk shop to find rare magical treasures at bargain prices."
"Too bad the best places to do both are in Knockturn Alley."
"Luna, its Knockturn Alley, you don't just go waltzing down the road in broad daylight."
"Correction, Light wizards don't go walking around without escort. Dark wizards slink through the shadows or visit at night. We are Purple wizards and that just means we need a costume change before we waltz down Knockturn Alley."
"A costume change?"
"Of course. Here," She conjured two purple scarves, "Wrap this around your face, but let your eyes show. Now, what colors should we make our cloaks?"
"Luna, we aren't allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts! We could get in a lot of trouble over this, and I don't particularly want to get caught!"
"Geez, it's just a five galleon fine. It's not like we are going to get hauled before the Wizengamot or anything."
"You only get into trouble if your wizarding guardian thinks it is questionable and asks the DMLE to investigate."
"I am going to kill Dumbles."
"That's the spirit, world peace via genocide! Oh, I just thought of the perfect patterns for our robes."
"Ok, so what's the plan?"
"Please tell me you have gotten better at dancing since the Yule Ball."
"Of course, but why?"
Not long later, they were standing at the entrance to Knockturn Alley. Harry was dressed in a lurid red and green tie-dye cloak. Luna's was yellow and blue tie-dye. They were accompanied by the penguins and mongooses. All together they were drawing quite a few stares. Luna waved her wand and music filled the air.
"Shall we?" Luna offered her hand.
"We shall." Harry took her hand and held her close.
And they began literally waltzing down Knockturn Alley in the direction of a bookstore. Needless to say people were more than a little freaked out and gave them a wide berth. Whatever was wrong with those two, they didn't want to catch it.
When they left the bookstore quite a bit lighter in galleons and heavier in books, the street instantly cleared as people scurried back into stores and dark alleyways.
"See, this is the amount of respect a Purple Lady deserves. Not even Voldemort gets this treatment when he comes here."
"Does he come often?"
"Every Tuesday at eleven o'clock."
"How odd. So, off to the junk shop."
They decided to change things up a bit and tango-ed over to the junk shop. Luna held her wand in her teeth as if it were a rose. Harry was beginning to wish he had known how much fun dancing could be before now. Then again, it may also be that so many people were abjectly afraid of them. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac, especially when undeserved.
The shop keeper gave a slight whimper as they entered.
"So what can I do for two wonderful and hopefully non-violent Hufflepuffs like yourselves?"
"Who told you we were Hufflepuffs?" Harry didn't bother to deny it, he was starting to enjoy playing with people's minds.
"Oh come on! Your cloaks are a blend of all the house colors. The only people who actually care about inter-house unity are Hufflepuffs."
"Fair enough. We are here looking for rare magical artifacts at bargain prices."
"Well, I've got a pensieve over on the back left wall, invisibility cloaks over on the rack, and other such things throughout the shop. Feel free to look around."
"Luna, do you have an invisibility cloak?"
"Want one? My treat, it will make it ever so much easier to spread joy."
"You are a loyal follower! I think the obedience training may not take so long after all."
"Maybe. Hey, my mark wore off again."
"No, you wiped it off on your sleeve. Alright, come here."
They gathered a few interesting new toys and joined the man at the front counter.
"Nice choices, I can see you are going to cause a lot of trouble. Just remember where you bought them and try not to hurt me too badly."
"I'll try," Harry said, "You wouldn't happen to have someway to slow down time would you? We've got an exhaustive training regimen to follow before we start our reign of terror. It would go a long way towards ensuring you are the only junk shop left standing at the end."
"I don't have anything to slow it down, but I do have something else. Some little red headed brat came in here two weeks ago and offered to sell me a time turner. He was dressed shabbily and was obviously poor. I offered him fifty galleons and the fool took it. It turns out that this was an experimental time turner from the department of mysteries. Instead of taking me back an hour or a day, the thing took me back an entire year! So I flipped it around a couple more times and made an absolute killing betting on sporting events."
"If it is so useful, why offer to sell it to us?" Harry asked, all the while cursing Ron in his head for being so stupid. Harry would have given him a thousand for it! Even without knowing it was better than average.
"Well, I've already aged thirty years more than I should have, and have made my original investment several thousand times over. Plus, I would really like to survive whatever you two are about to do without being tortured into insanity first."
"How far back can it go?"
"Well, a time turner can't go back farther than when it was made. It seems to have been made roughly twenty years ago. I repeated a couple years you see... I bet on every major sporting event, I can't believe they never caught me."
"How much do you want for it?"
"I think at this point I could stand to take fifty galleons for it, and a promise not to kill me."
"Done! Neither we nor our followers shall ever harm your family or your business. We'll even try to help stop others from wrecking up the place if we can."
"Thank you! Well, you two have a good day."
"Thanks, you too."
Again, as they exited the shop, the Alley cleared. Another wave of Luna's wand produced music and they danced the Lambada (even if it is Forbidden!) up and down the street a few times before leaving. It wouldn't pay for them to forget who the crazy people were now would it…
"Thank you Luna, this day has been the most fun I have ever had."
"I kind of liked it too."
"So, shall we take advantage of our time turner and go off alone to plot world domination or just go home?"
"Well, I need to go home first and tell Daddy that I will be older tomorrow. Then we can take some time and run away together. No matter how long we run away we can always show up exactly when we left after all."
"Luna, you're a genius."
"Well how about you mark me one last time and we'll meet up again tomorrow at the Quibbler office?"
"You are a most troublesome follower, be glad I like snogging you so much."
They walked over to the fireplace in the leaky cauldron and Luna headed home. Harry thought about taking the night bus again, but figured that one of two things had happened. Either the death eaters were still there waiting for him, or Dumbles was. He decided to do something a little unexpected (Luna was a wonderful teacher) and Flooed over to Mrs. Figg's home on Wisteria Walk.
He emerged into chaos and panic. Order members were running to and fro, arguing with each other and weeping.
"Harry!" Half the room screamed at once. Some were joyous, others panicked, and just a few angry.
"Hi, so what's all the fuss about?"
"The death eaters and a new group attacked your family's home today." Dumbledore carefully explained.
"You mean my aunt and uncle's house. They have never been family and it isn't my home."
"That's irrelevant. They first used someone polyjuiced to look like you to knock out Moody before the attack began. Knight Bus records indicate that a group of death eaters showed up at half twelve. By one o'clock the house was destroyed and the death eaters dead or insane. A pair of glittering pink lips floated over the ruins with a message."
"Pink lips you say? That's just crazy!" Harry inwardly began laughing his arse off, it sounded like he might get to have some fun in the future. "What was the message?"
"'We have kidnapped Harry Potter!' and it was signed by the initials F.P. Tell us how you escaped Harry! We must know who this new threat is."
"I don't remember being kidnapped. I spent the day dancing with Luna." Inwardly, Harry smirked again. Dumbledore's legimancy would only detect that he was telling the truth unless he tried to actively break into his mind, which he wouldn't do with so many witnesses.
"He's telling the truth." Dumbledore told the Order, "They must have used a memory charm on him before letting him go. Who knows what sort of brain washing they could have done to him."
"No sir, I'm quite certain I haven't been brainwashed."
"That's what they would tell you to say. Harry, we're going to have to leave you here with Mrs. Figg tonight. We'll try to move you to Headquarters tomorrow night once we can get some security in place for the move. The floo can be watched."
"Ok sir. I'll stay here until then."
"Thank you Harry. I promise we will find out what they did to you and fix it."
"Thank you sir."
He moved to the guest bedroom where his things had been stored. He opened his new trunk and placed the old one inside the last compartment.
By dawn the next day, Harry had vanished yet again. He stopped by Gringotts and emptied it of everything but a single knut, just to keep it open for when he returned. The next time anyone saw him, he was unrecognizable as the boy he had once been.