The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style
Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.
Quick note: Inner voices will be done "like this."
Sakura was having a wonderful day. Sasuke was back in the Village, Naruto was not hounding her, Tsunade-sensei was teaching her more high-level medical jutsus; the whole moment felt perfect.
Sadly, the Murphy's Law Gremlin had a cousin or thousand in this world as well. As she was walking past a building that was being repaired from a recent skirmish—i.e. her chasing after Naruto for what she deemed another stupid mistake on his part—a roof tile came lose, and fell five stories to hit her square in the head.
Not the forehead though. She was neither looking up, nor was it really as big as people teased. Okay, it was almost as big as people teased, and it was a miracle the tile didn't hit there.
But tell her that? I dare you.
"Ah, she's waking up now."
Sakura slowly opened her eyes, finding herself in a hospital room. Beside her bed were her parents, Naruto, and Tsunade, whose hands still glowed from the healing jutsu she had used on her.
"Damn, she must have some major back problems with those."
Sakura blinked. That had been her inner voice, and it wasn't normally making comments about things like that. "Um ... what happened?"
"You got hit in the head with a roof tile," said Tsunade.
"Yeah, kinda weird," said Naruto. "It was right where you tried to spear me with that antenna. Very weird, almost like they were related."
"Stuff it, Naruto," she growled out.
She turned to her sensei. "Is there anything else wrong with me? I feel a little ... off."
Tsunade examined the girl a little more. "Hmm ... nothing I can see. We'll check again tomorrow. For now, take it easy. That means no more practice."
"Okay," said Sakura, pulling the covers closer to her head, afraid of what else her twisted Inner Sakura might start thinking next. It was supposed to be things about Sasuke and her own fighting prowess. Not stupid stuff like—
"Man, I wonder what Naruto would look like in assless chaps?"
The remaining people in the room blinked. "Sakura," sighed Tsunade, "trying to give yourself another head injury won't help matters."
The girl immediately stopped banging her head on the table near her bed. She didn't want to risk the voice getting more perverted.
Sakura sighed as she walked around. The damn voice was getting worse. She was even beginning to argue with it!
"I wonder if Sasuke is gay."
"WHAT?" she yelled, before looking around to ensure no one had heard her. What the hell do you mean by that?
"We offered him everything, and he went to Orochimaru. We get back, and he's done nothing."
So; how does that make him gay?
"Well; there is also the fact that Tsunade has her breasts out in the open, and he never looks at them."
That just means he's not a pervert.
Sasuke is not gay!
"Please; I'm straight and even I've noticed her rack. He's never looked, and the closest sign we've seen of his interest in a social life was kissing Naruto."
That was an accident!
As she continued down the street, she passed Hinata, who merely looked at her and smiled. If she's crazy, then she can't stand between me and Naruto-kun!
Naruto sneezed on the other side of town, somehow wondering what was going to get him this time.
"Now what is it, Sakura?" growled out Tsunade. The girl had been bugging her more than Naruto had when Sasuke had left the village.
"I want this damn voice out of my head!" Sakura screamed.
Tsunade nodded, writing down on her pad that Sakura needed to be confined to a nice, comfy, padded room for Tsunade's ... I mean, her own good. "And what is this ... voice ... doing?"
"It's a pervert!" yelled Sakura, before quieting her voice. "It's always talking about breasts, asses, genitals, and suggestions for actions straight from Jiraiya's stupid pervert books!"
"Such as?" asked Tsunade, making further notes for when Sakura would need her head examined.
What followed left the Fifth Hokage blushing. What had followed were detailed descriptions involving the ninjas Sakura had teamed with the last few years, teachers, Tsunade herself, shinobi from other villages, and others still. It followed with costumes, foods, oils, weapons, handcuffs; there were scenery and other items that really did seem to fit better with the pervert-sennin's books rather than life. "I ... see," said Tsunade.
"What's worse; the damn voice is convinced Sasuke is gay because he doesn't check out women."
"NO!" yelled out Sakura.
"Oh just admit it; he's gay as Jiraiya is perverted."
"He's straight, I tell you. You don't know anything, you damn pervert."
"I ... see," said Tsunade, writing down what medication would be better for Sakura's ... problem. "You know, some people believe that these voices are just aspects of yourself trying to be heard."
"I am not a pervert."
"You are a pervert."
"I do not want to do any of that stuff."
"Very well," said Tsunade. "I am suspending you from active duty, and I want you to see Yuki for a full mental evaluation."
Sighing, Sakura nodded and left the office.
Tsunade took out a bottle of saké after the door had shut. "I really didn't need that." She shuddered before filling her saucer with the rice wine. "Great, now all I need is for people to know my apprentice wants to cover me in baby oil. I knew it was a mistake to let her anywhere near Jiraiya."
Sakura looked over the railing of the bridge. Maybe if I jump ... this will all be over.
It hadn't been too bad when she was sent to see the Village Shrink.
No; what had been worse was when the Inner Pervert had not only reminded Sakura of what its suggestions had been, but it added to them; including a nice little scene involving Sakura, Hinata, Naruto, and several items better found in a house of ill repute.
"Stop complaining. Hey, maybe this is all Naruto's fault?"
Sakura blinked. "Yeah, it has to be. If he didn't run away and take his punishment like a man, that roof would have never been damaged. I wouldn't have taken that hit to my head, and I wouldn't have a pervert stuck in there."
"That's right; you'd have the original Inner Sakura who yells supportive things."
"Right," growled Sakura. "This is all Naruto's fault."
"He needs to be taught never to disagree with his Dark Mistress."
"Right. Naruto; where are you? I'll teach you to run away from your Dark Mistress!"
It took a few seconds for her to realize not only what she had said, but that there were others around who had heard her say it.
"See; you are a pervert."
As Sakura ran away screaming in embarrassment and fear, Ino stared at her retreating form in amazement. So; Sakura plans to dominate Sasuke and Naruto. "I've got to go protect Sasuke!" she cried out, before taking off.
Those same thoughts were mirrored by a certain female Hyuga. "I've got to go save Naruto-kun!" cried Hinata, as she took off as well.
Shaking his head, one village shop owner turned back to return to his store. "And this used to be such a nice village."
Jiraiya and Kakashi stood off to the side of the practice field, as they watched the two rivals prepare for a rematch. Naruto was already in his usual stance, his aura red as he drew on his darker reservoir of power. Sasuke was also prepared, his full Sharingan out with full fans, and his dark aura flaring about.
This was a battle preordained between the two great developing powers. Only a force of God could stop them.
Or a very pissed off pink-haired girl with a big forehead.
"Man, she's annoying," muttered Sasuke. But it will be fun to see him get beaten up by a girl.
"S-S-Sakura," stumbled Naruto, backing away from the intense aura of the girl.
"It's all your fault I have a damn pervert in my head!" she yelled out.
"I'm not a pervert!" yelled out Naruto, now face-to-face with his crush/executioner. "That's Jiraiya-sensei!"
"And he taught you, therefore this pervert in my head was caused by you, thus it is all your perverted fault!"
"That makes ... no sense," said Naruto, scratching the back of his head.
"Give him a kiss; you know you want to."
"DIE!" screamed Sakura, tearing into Naruto with the fury she had for the damn perverted voice stuck in her head.
As the one-sided beating progressed, Kakashi turned to his favorite author. "Should we break them up? I'm pretty certain Sakura knows she can get away with an insanity defense."
Jiraiya sighed. "I guess so. Oh, the shame of having an apprentice that can't avoid the beating of an enraged woman."
Sasuke just stood back, observing the fight with his Sharingan. Sure, his fight was cancelled. But seeing Naruto get his ass beat always cheered him up, and he wanted to remember every single detail.
Details, such as this strike Sakura seemed to be changing into a—
"ACK!" yelled Naruto. "That doesn't come off!"
Yes; Sasuke decided this was going to be a good day after all.
Naruto stared at the ceiling of the hospital room he was now in. By the time the "adults" had stopped the fight; Sakura had tried to head-butt him ... and succeeded in knocking the both of them out. It wouldn't have hurt as much had she not knocked off his
According to the nurses, Sakura was currently in a padded isolation room.
"Man, what the hell she'd have to do that for?" he asked himself.
"Are you feeling better, Naruto-kun?"
He turned slightly, seeing the calm face of Hinata. "Yeah, she didn't hurt me that much. Doc says I just need some rest." And to stay away from Sakura until they find out what drove her crazy! Man; that girl hits hard! She even tried to rip my limbs off.
Nodding happily, Hinata held some food for him to eat. She would have to feed him, since Sakura's little assault had resulted in his hands being bandaged again. When the meal was finished, she bowed politely. "I have to go to practice. See you later, Naruto-kun."
"Later," he called out, hoping she brought more food. Everything Hinata cooked tasted almost as good as ramen, as far as he was concerned.
Sadly, this left Naruto alone with only his thoughts ... and his permanent roommate.
"Hey brat; you think Hinata is pregnant or just fat?"
"She's always wearing baggy clothes, always red in the face and acting weird."
"Crud, where are you getting this from?
"Come on; you know you'd do her."
Blushing, Naruto just pulled the sheets above his head. He really didn't need this.
Unseen by anyone, a small fully symmetric charka seal appeared on his forehead where Sakura had head-butted him, which had been on the tile that had hit her. It was a seal Jiraiya had made when he was younger, when he was trying to impress a lady friend that he was just as good with making seals as Orochimaru. He used the roof tiles on that house because it was both cheaper than paying for paper, and was right across from a woman's outdoor bathing spring so he could continue his ... research.
This one was originally designed to open the flow of data between the conscious and unconscious mind to be massive, allowing for greater comprehension and recollecting. It was even to be designed to be easily self-replicating and transferable, so there would be less work in constantly redoing it for each new person or losing it from the original.
And if anyone knew about cutting down on a workload, it was a young Jiraiya.
Instead, it opened the path directly to the libido with no care for original wants, desires, or compulsions to a certain degree. Even a passing thought or mild suggestion would be exposed and debated.
And sadly for Naruto, his mind was routing those impulses through the Demon Fox.
And you wonder why Jiraiya ... left ... Kohona.
Now you know. His stupidity lives on.
Walking home, Sasuke spotted a roof tile on the ground. Wait a minute; this is where Sakura got hit. Picking it up, he felt something weird about that tile. Maybe this has something to do with it?
He turned in time to be struck by the Flying Kunoichi Glomp of the blond ninja; Ino Yamanaka. This in turn caused him to stumble, fall, drop the tile, and hit it with the back of his head.
"I was worried that damned forehead got you and was using you as her private boy-toy!" cried the blond girl.
"Go for it, man; she's waiting. What are you; gay?"
Sasuke blinked, wondering where that voice had come from.
Omake by armedlord:
Outer Lee: If I can't do my one thousand push ups, then I have to do one thousand sit ups! If I can't do one thousand sit ups, then I'll do one thousand one handed push ups! If I can't do that-
Inner Lee: Then we have to do Sakura! If we can't do that, then we go do Ten-ten! If we can't do that, then we go do Hinata! If we can't do that, then we have to do Ino!
Outer Lee: Oh! What a naughty response! I can't do that! Gai-sensei says that will spoil my youth!
Inner Lee: No it won't! By doing the girls, we can show them how powerful our youth is!
Outer Lee: What a great idea that is! (mentally hugs his inner self) Inner Lee!
Inner Lee: (mentally hugs his outer self) Outer Lee!
Outer Lee: Inner Lee!
Inner Lee: Outer Lee!
Random person passing by #1: How long is he going to hug and feel himself?
Random person passing by #2: I dunno, but I rather not look any longer or else I'll blind myself.