New Intros 8
Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.
This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.
These are their insanities.
New Loop #1:
Naruto leaned back into his chair, feeling his heart get a bit heavier. Once again, his hope that perhaps he needed the perfect solution to exit these Loops was proven wrong.
In addition, here he was, waiting for Kakashi-Sensei once again, waiting to begin doing what needed to be done, preparing for Akatsuki, Madara, and so forth.
Man, this sucks, he mentally decided. There just wasn't anymore fun in it.
You know, I need to take a break, he thought. I just need to stop being Naruto Uzumaki or the son of the Fourth. I need some time off, or I'll go insane.
Well, there had been a number of pranks he had wanted to do, just refusing to do them because in all likelihood, they were not in any taste or would possibly sink his chance to escape the Loops.
However, that wasn't an issue anymore. Once again, he was taking a vacation.
"And you, Blondie?" asked Kakashi.
Naruto gave an even stare before standing up. "I guess you already know the truth, Kakashi," he said in an even tone.
"Hmm?" asked Kakashi.
"I would expect nothing less from the man Obito Uchiha entrusted with his eye."
That caught the former ANBU's attention.
Naruto turned slowly to Sasuke. "Little brother, you still have not suffered; still have not even approached the path of power to defeat me."
Sasuke's eyes went wide at that. No, it couldn't be…
A puff of smoke appeared, surrounding Naruto, dispersing only to leave a missing-nin of S-class. "The boy was easy to deal with, just to check on your progress, or lack thereof," continued the form of Itachi Uchiha.
Sasuke gasped, Sakura wondered what was going on, and Kakashi has discarded his book, revealing his Sharingan eye and powering up Chidori.
"Where is Naruto?" demanded Kakashi.
"He has been dealt with in a manner this former home of mine demanded," said Itachi. "Do not presume to care for your mentor's son, for even I, gone for these years, know how he was treated. Death is a far better option for him."
Kakashi charged, his Sharingan spinning wildly, as he tried to slay the man before him.
As Itachi had done before in the original timeline, he batted the attack aside once more, destroying the rooftop on the other side, before striking Kakashi hard in the gut, forcing the air from his lungs.
"It would appear even you, a former ANBU, have become weak," Itachi said, barely glancing at the man, before returning focus again to Sasuke.
"Surrounded by fangirls, forced to wait to graduate until the age of twelve, pursued by Orochimaru for your eyes which have yet to appear…
"True, this is suffering, but nowhere near the level you need to even approach me," said Itachi, before his eyes took on a new form, the form of his Mangekyō Sharingan. "All of you need a lesson in such."
Looking around to ensure he had lost the ANBU tail, Itachi smirked before he was once again obscured in a puff of smoke, revealing Naruto Uzumaki once again. "Gotta remember to thank the damned demon fox for such a complete shapeshift," he said, as he took off running towards the horizon. It had after all consumed the remaining Uchiha enough times to produce the needed effects.
Now, as far as Konoha was concerned, Naruto was dead, Akatsuki had struck, and Itachi had used Tsukuyomi on what remained of Team 7.
So in effect, he was free for a while. "So, where do I go now?" he mused. So many choices, so little time before certain missing-nin tried to capture him.
"Oh well, think of that later," he mused, pulling a map from his pocket. "Now, where had a nice relaxing place where I don't have to worry about red clouds or idiots with grudges against my Old Man?" he asked.
However, he would always treasure the look on Sasuke's face when he made him spend seventy-two hours reliving his potty training.
New Loop #2:
Hinata blinked as reality seemed to blur; her stomach and mind feeling as if vertigo had struck her like a kunai.
"Man, I hope I'm not stuck with Uzumaki or Uchiha on my team," mumbled a kid next to her. "The former sucks and the latter's ego would take up the third spot."
"I hear ya," muttered the kid next to him.
Turning slowly, she looked on, trying to keep the utter shock from appearing on her face. What's going on? I appear to be back in Iruka-sensei's class…
Activating her bloodline and using every trick Kurenai had taught her to break Genjutsu, she discovered either the illusion was perfect … or she really had traveled back in time.
She failed to keep the hope and desire for that latter to be true. If it was…
If it was, then she could do so much. She could help Naruto get stronger sooner, help him against Akatsuki, to keep Sasuke from defecting, maybe not get totally outclassed by Pein and stabbed.
No, she would make the future better, not just for the village, not just for her clan, but the man she loved.
To start with, she was going to confess her feelings to him sooner. Sorry, Sakura-chan, but I must!
"Okay, so we now know Hellsing and Buffy vampires are way better than Twilight vampires," stated Naruto.
"I feel dirty just having been in that world," muttered Sasuke.
"It wasn't too bad," muttered Sakura. "But sparkly vampires?" she asked. "I was hoping for a Loop like Ranma talked about last month, you know; with Spike and Seras in that Loop with that True Blood drink."
"But we got sparkling fairy vampires," sighed Sasuke. "We obviously did something wrong."
Blinking, the blond Jinchuuriki looked up, spotting the Hyuuga heiress before him. Well, this is new… Hope this doesn't mean we're in some weird alternative version of our world again. "Hey, Hinata-chan! What's up? How are—"
"Is she tonguing him?" asked Sasuke.
"Oh yeah," smirked Sakura, watching as Hinata continued to give Naruto's tonsils a thorough examination.
"I'm going to take a guess, only a guess mind you," stated Sasuke. "But I do believe either you put her under a Genjutsu…"
"No, but an option for me later on. What's the other option?"
"Well, I do believe Hinata may have just come 'Awake'," Sasuke finished with a smirk.
"Oh, a newbie to instruct," smiled Sakura. "You know what this means?"
"Less crimes against nature, more against humanity?"
"Funny," snorted Sakura. "It means she is almost cherry, ready to be corrupted."
"… See, why do you do that?" asked Sasuke. "I say essentially the same thing you later say, but you call me wrong for some reason. Why is that?"
Naruto missed all of that, trying to find a tactful way to remove himself from the Hyuuga Lip Lock before he ran out of air, without creating the social fous pas of accidentally groping her in a very public venue.
New Loop #3:
"You are so not picking our weekends for a while!" called out Naruto, striking an attacking Magog as it tried to claw at him.
"How is it my fault we landed in this reality?" asked Sasuke.
"I don't remember any people-eating monkeys before this!"
Sasuke snorted, twisting about to avoid a spray of paralytic toxin from the nearest Magog, before snapping out his sword and beheading the creature. "One hundred, seventy-eight."
"I would be in the lead if I could use—"
"Yeah, yeah," Sasuke spat. "And I have twelve different versions of Chidori I could use to flash fry all the ones on this level of Andromeda, so quit bitching."
An ear-piercing shriek ended their debate, causing the swarming Magog to pause in their assault, turning in the direction it had come from.
"Well, I think some found Sakura," muttered Naruto.
"I swear, we can't take her anywhere," Sasuke replied. "It's like she can't help herself, she has to commit one crime against nature every Loop."
"Better them than use, Teme."
"Too true, seventy-nine and eighty," he replied, charging into the dormant beasts before they resumed their attack.
"What?" asked Naruto, punching a Magog hard enough with a Senjutsu-enhanced fist to send it and several others, smashing into the corridor wall with a resounding splat.
"We need to make sure she didn't pick up any of these guys to take home with her. I do not want to see what these guys would do on our world."
"Remember when she was just a quiet and useless fangirl?"
"Ah, the good ole days," muttered Sasuke. "Back when we fought on solid ground and not on starships."
"Less bitching, more killing the angry furries!" yelled Naruto.
"Where the hell is that Hercules asshole when we need him?"
"Wrong reality, Teme. Keep up."
New Loop #4:
Sakura held her hand to her neck, trying to keep from bleeding out. How did he get here so fast? How did he know?
Naruto sighed as he stared at Sasuke, Karin down before the Uchiha and dying, Sakura beside him and trying to keep herself from dying from the wound Naruto had inflicted.
"Did you really think I would allow a second person to defect from Konoha, Sakura-chan?" he asked, eyes showing him to be in Sage Mode, "especially after Teme?"
She couldn't speak, lest she allow more damage from her lacerated throat.
Naruto ignored her, focusing on Sasuke.
"You think you can defeat me?" asked Sasuke. "You think you can stop my revenge?"
"I'm sorry; am I bothering the brat whose idea of honoring his brother is to destroy the village said brother gave his existence to save?" asked Naruto. "What is it about the Mangekyō Sharingan that makes their wielders forget common sense?"
"As if someone like you could ever understand?" muttered Sasuke.
"Right, because having your father seal a Bijuu in your gut because the First Hokage couldn't be bothered to ensure Madara Uchiha and his need for vengeance was dead and gone is such a light issue?" spat Naruto. "Any other whines, Sasuke? I might have some cheese to go with them. After all, surely you have suffered more than anyone else."
Chidori powered up again, as the Mangekyō Sharingan activated, focused solely on Naruto. "And you belittle my life?"
Naruto snorted again. Man, how many times had he heard that line, heard Sasuke bemoan his Fate? Sure, he had sworn off vengeance, but that didn't include sheer stupidity. Why was it every time he got this far in the Loop, he had a sudden urge to kill Sasuke?
Has to be the Mangekyō Sharingan. When it is just the regular Sharingan, I don't have any urges to kill him. "I belittle pure stupidity. After all, I'm not the one stupid enough to believe Madara and swear vengeance against a village that was my home? After all, who was the one who spread the rumor about how it had to be the Uchiha controlling the Kyuubi no Yoko, despite the fact only two people ever did. One was a Hokage, the other was a whiny little bitch who wore an orange mask.
"Oh, sorry, is it wrong to point out Uchiha stupidity?" he asked with a smile. "It is just so easy to do."
Sasuke focused his Mangekyō Sharingan solely on Naruto, ready to end him. It might cost the rest of his light, but it would be worth it. Chidori charged, he raced towards the infamous 'Dead Last' to end it.
Snorting, Naruto flicked his wrist, twin lines of blood spouting from Sasuke. One pierced his chest, the other insured the Mangekyō Sharingan wouldn't be able to offer the use of the Izanagi technique.
Part of him felt bad for doing it. After all, Sakura was watching, and would likely hold a grudge until the Loop ended. In addition, facing a Mangekyō Sharingan user was always a good workout.
Nevertheless, considering all that had happened in this Loop so far, he had had little patience for the emo. "Wow, the unbeatable Mangekyō Sharingan lost again? Must have something to do with Konoha Shinobi and Hokages," spat Naruto as he turned around, ignoring Sasuke's cries of pain and rage. Without his eyes and the damage from the first wind-chakra strike, the youngest Uchiha would die, he was no longer a threat.
Pausing before Sakura, Naruto glared at her. "I'll be sure to inform Kakashi-sensei of what you did. I look forward to what you tell him to keep from being immediately executed." Sure, she had had a plan, but once again, he was feeling short-tempered this Loop.
Walking away, he wondered if any of them would get away before Madara returned, after learning what Danzō had done with his one remaining Sharingan. Shaking his head, he continued on. It wasn't as if it mattered in the end. Time would reset and before he knew it, a certain Teme would be bitching about his desires to kill his brother once again.
Nah, not like it matters. Nevertheless, I really should stop doing this. It can't be healthy for my mind.
Ewww…. I stepped in Teme-blood! Man, this day is sucking already. Damned Fate for trying to take away my Uchiha-slaughtering buzz…
New Loop #5:
"Dobe, we really aren't that bored, are we?" asked Sasuke.
Naruto snorted. "Hey! This has been a great tradition of our Loop, all the way back to the founding of Konoha!"
"We weren't born, Naruto."
"Details," waved off the blond Jinchuuriki Anchor. "But this has been a tradition of mine for as long as I can remember."
"Not helping your case."
"Fine," waved off Naruto. "Anyway, I read about this happening in Ranma and Harry's worlds too, so it isn't exactly just something only I could think up."
"You are using those worlds to justify yourself?"
Naruto sighed. "Go with me on this, Sasuke."
"I kind of have to, as I used the Uchiha funds to acquire these creatures."
"They are not creatures! They are healthy beings of destruction that happen to go well in ramen, barbeques, and pastas," offered Naruto.
"Still, I paid for them, they weren't cheap, so start spilling, Dobe," stated the youngest living Uchiha.
"It is called the Running of the Bulls!" stated Naruto. "We have them herded thought the village via a Genjutsu I used, in remembrance of the day I used them to get to the Chuunin Exams, Part Three, on time!"
Sasuke just stood by, tapping his foot.
"Fine, the path for them goes through Root HQ, Danzo's private home, the homes of the Council of Elders, and just for shits and giggles, Kabuto's front door."
"Now was that so hard?" asked Sasuke.
"No, but I prefer to looks of surprise."
"So, why I Sakura not invited?"
"Because I want the running of bulls, not genetically altered beasts capable of ripping an S-class nin in half."
"… True," replied Sasuke. "So, who will be running before them?"
Naruto smirked, holding up a small bottle.
"YOSH!" cried a red-cheeked Rock Lee. "Let's head 'em up and move 'em out!" he slurred, running in front of the bulls. "Dainamikku Entori!" he yelled, launching a devastating Taijutsu kick through the outer wall of Danzo's mansion.
"Exactly what did he drink?" asked Sasuke, watching Lee take on Root ANBU.
"Klingon Blood Wine," smirked Naruto, looking through binoculars as well. "Damn, Sai almost got gored."
"And that is good or bad?"
"Let you know when he gives us our first nicknames this Loop," muttered Naruto.
New Loop #6:
Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, the Professor, found himself in a rare moment in his life.
He was speechless. "Explain this to me … again," he requested.
"Sure thing!" offered Naruto. "Well, after waiting for our instructor for a long time—"
"We invoked the five-minute rule," muttered Sasuke.
"We decided he obviously sucked and was like, totally unprofessional," continued Naruto, having only paused long enough to send Sasuke a glare. "So we went looking for a guy who could be our teacher and was totally awesome and would owe us for it."
Sarutobi nodded, before his gaze focused on the one adult Team 7 had brought in, currently bound, gagged, and with a deep haunted look in his eyes. "So you left Konoha and kidnapped an S-Class missing ninja."
"He was set up by Madara Uchiha," stated Sakura, buffing her nails. "We found all sorts of proof when we raided Danzō's private files to see if we could use Root ANBU, but that didn't work out. Found a bunch of Uchiha eyes that were supposed to be implanted in some guy's arm though." She cackled madly for a moment at thoughts of what she could do with those eyes.
All the males in the room shuddered, as Sarutobi made a note to have Sakura's sanity rechecked.
He also needed to go over the files for each member of Team 7. Not only had they captured a missing ninja, they had also invaded Danzō's private domain. Those were not skills a freshly minted Genin should have.
"Anyway, we learned that apparently old one-eye was really scared of Sasuke's brother, so we figured that meant he was really awesome," continued Naruto. "So we went out, found him, kicked the ass of some fish-guy because Teme wanted his sword."
Sasuke patted the wrapped bundle that was twice his height. "Got the precious…"
"And here we are," finished Naruto. "But I think Sakura got to him. He's been like that for the last day or so."
Itachi shivered on the floor as Sakura patted him on the head.
"So, Jiji, can he be our new instructor?" asked Naruto.
"Naruto," muttered Sarutobi, "he is a missing ninja, wanted for killing his clan."
"As stated," replied Sasuke, slapping a large file on the desk, "we found it was really Madara and Danzō. After all, do you expect anyone to believe a three-year-old Uchiha was ready to destroy Konoha?" he asked.
Sarutobi tried not to stare at a photo that slid out of the folder, one with a man in a black outfit, orange swirl mask, ready to stab an Uchiha in the back with a katana, holding a sign that read 'I hope this doesn't mean Tobi is no longer a good boy.'
"Well, we'll leave you alone so you can fix that problem up and set him up as our kickass instructor," replied Naruto. "We got a dinner date at Ichiraku's!"
"He went a whole day without ramen," muttered Sasuke, grabbing his new sword. "You'd think he was starving to death."
"Bye, Snookie!" chirped Sakura, giving Itachi a kiss on the cheek as she skipped away as well.
Once they were gone, Sarutobi looked down on Itachi. "You okay?" he asked, even as several ANBU entered his office.
"Pink is scary," whispered Itachi, before falling into blissful sleep. She was gone now, she couldn't … touch him anymore.
"So, think that'll work?" asked Naruto, as they walked down the street.
"If nothing else, I feel as if it was excellent therapy," offered Sasuke.
"Oh please, Mr. 'to pay back my brother, I'll destroy what he saved', like you have room to talk."
"Can't bring me down, Dobe; got me a new sword," smiled Sasuke.
"Boys and their toys," huffed Sakura. "You have no understanding of the proper things in life."
"… I say we send her after Madara," whispered Sasuke.
"Later," waved off Naruto. "We just got a huge-ass bounty, messed up Akatsuki's plans, and stiffed Kakashi. And best of all, no one important was hurt."
"What about Itachi?" asked Sakura.
"Like the Dobe said, no one important," whistled Sasuke, as they approached the ramen stand.
New Loop #7:
Sarutobi rushed with his ANBU, hoping to reach Naruto before something bad happened.
Blinking, he turned to his side, spotting Jiraiya coming beside him. "Was hoping you were nearby."
"Letter from my publisher, needed to be here for some book signing by request of the store," Jiraiya offered.
His smile fell as they saw the red chakra aura on top of the Hokage monument. "Minato's seal failing?"
"Perhaps," stated Sarutobi. "All I know is that we have to get there before someone does something stupid to set him off."
"waaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" came a screaming cry as a grey-haired Chuunin flew by them away from the monument.
"Who was that?"
"I think his name was Mizuki, from the Academy," muttered Sarutobi, hoping the Chuunin hadn't tried to take down Naruto on his own. "Come, we better hurry."
The figure stood there, surrounded by ANBU and a few injured ninjas—those foolish enough to have tried to strike him. Inside the red chakra, he resembled a small blond boy, goggles on his forehead, and whisker-marks on his face. His eyes red, glaring at the village below.
Outside, however, he was covered by red chakra that was burning the ground he stood on. Nine tail-like extensions protruded from his back, waving about. There was no doubt to any that the chakra appearance took on a fox-like appearance.
Finally, the Hokage and Jiraiya arrived.
"Naruto!" yelled Sarutobi. "Can you hear me?"
An ANBU was heard muttering about how the fox-brat should have been killed when he was baby to spare them this trouble.
He soon found one of the chakra tails piercing his heart, before it launched him over Konoha.
"I hate idiots," growled the cloaked blond, as he turned to face the Hokage.
"Where is he?"
"Where is who?" asked Sarutobi.
"I seek the fool who is the reason I am imprisoned in this brat," growled the figure, flexing his hand. "I seek the one responsible for my current suffering!"
"He's dead," stated Jiraiya, already preparing to bring about Sage Mode. Damn, I should have trained to bring this out quicker!
"Liar!" sneered the possessed boy. "I can sense him, still out there!
"He will pay, pay for his affront to me, pay for his arrogance!"
"Minato is dead!" yelled Jiraiya.
"… Who?" glared Naruto. "I don't care about this Minato?"
Shock and confusion seemed to fill the ranks, even as several ANBU moved about, prepared to detonate the area the possessed boy was standing on.
"The former Hokage who sealed you into Naruto," stated Sarutobi.
Naruto sneered. "The blond fool who sealed me into his son?" he asked, ignoring several shocked looks directed at him.
"Dupe! I speak of the one who stole control from me and sent me to this backwater settlement of lesser beings to attack! I speak of Madara Uchiha!" it yelled.
"Madara Uchiha?" asked Sarutobi in shock.
"Do you think I would forget the stench of the one monkey who committed such a sin against me?" spat the fox. "Even sealed in this vessel, I shall strike him back for what he did."
"Are you saying Madara Uchiha commanded you to attack this village?" asked Jiraiya.
Naruto growled; power flailing about his body. "That fool will take that secret to his grave. I will find him and make him suffer for what he did to me!" the beast yelled and anger.
"But I am left with a nice consolation prize," sneered Naruto again. "This village, mistaking this pitiful vessel for my magnificence! They shall remember the difference between me and a small monkey!"
"We cannot allow that," Sarutobi said sadly, not liking the chances of saving Naruto. It appeared his failure to impress upon the villagers of Minato's last wish.
Naruto chuckled. "You think these people will fare better now than they did those years ago?
"Fine then, a wager," the figure smirked. "Bring me Madara Uchiha, and I will spare this village, even after the insults these fools give," it spat. "I'll grant you from now, the time since I have been imprisoned in him.
"Fail, and well…" it sneered, chuckling darkly. "Hell, I'll even support this vessel. No host of me shall be so weak." He looked at his hands. "Yes, the brat may prove useful to me later on."
Sarutobi glared. Deny it, and he had no doubt Kyuubi would attack. Accept it, and he had six years to track down someone who should have been dead decades ago.
However, looking about, he saw something in the eyes of the nearby Uchiha: anger. Perhaps they were looking for a scapegoat as well, rumors of a possible revolt had reached even his ears.
Yes, this might even give him time to get the Uchiha back into the fold. If Madara failed to turn up, he would need all the help he could get. "Agreed."
The figure nodded, the cloak shrinking. "Oh, as insurance; should you or yours attack my vessel, I will come forth, and I will kill them, no … matter … what," it finished, before disappearing, leaving behind a confused blond.
"Jiji, why am I out here?"
Well, that was fun! mentally cheered Naruto.
I feel dirty and used, commented Kyuubi.
Oh, be quiet. We may have saved the Uchiha, made Madara an open enemy who can't hide in the shadows like he'd wants, and threw a wrench in old One-Eye's plans.
How about even though Jiraiya is staying nearby in case you 'break out' again, we'll still have a stream of targets coming to kidnap and/or kill us for a long time to come?
He heard the fox sniff. You really know how to cheer a Bijuu up, you know that, brat.
"So, how about some ramen?" asked Jiraiya, ignoring some glares from the surrounding civilians. Sarutobi would make a proclamation later on, assuming the news that the Kyuubi claimed Naruto was Minato's son didn't pass it first.
"YEAH!" cried Naruto. "You're the best creepy old man ever!"
The Toad Sage fought an eye tick, forcing back the urge to slap the kid's head for calling him a creepy old guy.
New Loop #8:
"Um, hello?" asked the woman, answering the door.
"Are you Jennifer Simmons, formerly Williams?" asked the figure, hat obscuring his eyes.
"Yeah," the woman stated, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder. "What is this about?"
"Investigation, ma'am," replied the guy, pulling out a pad. "And do you write fanfiction under the name 'ForbiddenY78'?"
"Yeah," the woman responded. "You got a problem with fanfic?" she growled.
"No ma'am, just getting the facts," the guy stated. "And do you write Naruto fanfiction?"
"You hate that series?" she demanded.
"Once again, ma'am; just the facts," he responded calmly again, making a note on his pad. "One more question, are the fanfics you wrote primarily NaruSasu?" he asked.
"Of course!" she chirped. "Everyone knows that those two are merely repressed lovers. Why else would Naruto fawn all over trying to get him back, when he has—hey, you kinda look like Sasuke!"
Naruto sat at a café, enjoying his muffin and coffee, as several fire trucks drove by. Chuckling lightly, he turned towards a formerly empty seat, seeing his friend sitting there. "We're ninja, you ever heard of 'killing in silence'?"
Sasuke snorted. "Trained in the Land of Sound, Dobe.
"Besides, she wrote yaoi staring me and you. She deserved no mercy," he said coldly.
"And yet Sakura remains alive."
"I'm passionate, not stupid," snorted Sasuke. "Besides, I don't see you doing anything against these people's unholy fascination with pairing me and you."
Chuckling lightly, Naruto pointed to a television set, showing a scene even Sasuke was impressed with.
"No one knows how this giant fox came to attack Tokyo, but police have asked that this 'Masashi Kishimoto' it is demanding be brought before it to answer questions. If not, it will level a ward of Tokyo every hour!"
"Wow, Dobe; ever hear of overkill?" snorted Sasuke.
"Hey, you attack the symptoms, I go for the source. If he gets off his ass and pairs me with a girl—preferably Hinata, then my troubles are over."
"Can't resist the Hyuuga bloodline?" Sasuke smirked.
"No, don't want to be poisoned by Sakura, Ino can't shut up, and Temari hits."
"What about the priestess girl?"
"Like I'd ever be allowed to leave Konoha for that," Naruto sighed. "Canon won't allow it."
"Fuck canon," growled Sasuke. "And speaking of the evils of canon, where is Sakura?"
"No clue, but if I hear of virus outbreaks, some city called Raccoon, or Umbrella Corporations, I'm teleporting offworld."
"Ditto," replied Sasuke, motioning for the waitress.
"You did remember to change the fire to normal before leaving, right?" asked Naruto.
"… Damn it, Teme."
"Only holy fire can cleanse the earth of a fallen fangirl," the Uchiha stated sagely.
New Loop #9:
Keep meditating, keep the connection, keep in tune, he thought, keeping the meditation going.
"Where is he?" yelled Sakura for the fifth time in the last hour.
He kept still, knowing what she and Sasuke were going through. Unlike him, they hadn't eaten breakfast and had expected Kakashi to be on-time.
That had long ago stopped being funny. There had been times he had shown up with breakfast for everyone—took a few tries, as they found ramen not a suitable breakfast item. However, like many things, at first it was funny to watch them suffer for not listening to his warnings, then it became sad.
So here he was, waiting for yet another fun moment with Kakashi, ready to show his Team Sensei why you should always look underneath the underneath.
"Well?" asked Kakashi. He was a bit shocked at Uzumaki. The file on the kid said he was a loudmouth, more action than word, and likely attack blindly.
However, the kid was still sitting there, still in the same meditative stance he had been since Kakashi had arrived. If the pinkette was correct in her loud speech, he'd been like that before they had even arrived.
"Well what?" asked Naruto.
"You do realize you'll fail if you don't try for the bells," Kakashi stated.
"Maybe, maybe not," Naruto said, standing up slowly, eyes still closed. "Maybe I know the true purpose behind this test, because I know a little about it."
"Oh? Do tell," Kakashi said, putting his book away. Something about the way the kid was acting screamed to him not to treat him lightly.
"Basically, it is a test to see if we can work as a team. The whole thing is designed to set us against one another."
"… Maybe," said Kakashi. "Or maybe I do it differently. For all you know, I only planned to take two students."
Naruto chuckled lightly. "Then the selection process would have been different. Don't assume just because my grades were poor that I am a poor student; it would show you didn't look too hard."
Kakashi's hand went up to his forehead protector, ready to move it. Perhaps his senses were wrong, but the kid was beginning to scream 'threat' to him. "You are nothing like your profile."
"My profile was to suit a bunch of morons who assumed the Fourth didn't know shit about sealing," Naruto stated calmly. "A persona to fit their needs, to appear as not a threat, since Jiji refused to reign them in with common sense and a reinforcement of the truth.
"But I'll hold off. Sasuke is about to attack you again."
At least the kid knows how to use a distraction, Kakashi lamented as he twisted to avoid a Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu from Sasuke. Though Naruto did peak his attention further when, instead of getting out of the way of the oncoming technique, flicked his arm and sliced it in half, allowing it to pass harmlessly on both sides.
What are you hiding, Naruto?
"Okay, I think we can talk now," stated Kakashi, tossing the Genjutsu-trapped Sakura next to the buried Sasuke thanks to Magen: Narakumi no Jutsu and Doton: Shinjū Zanshu no Jutsu respectively.
"You know, you think that they would have picked something up listening to me," Naruto said sadly. "I talk about teamwork, and the first thing they do is go alone."
"Sakura did show some teamwork," stated Kakashi.
"A fangirl does not make teamwork," stated Naruto.
"… True," Kakashi admitted.
"So, I guess the only way they'll pass now is if I get those bells and give them to them," Naruto stated.
"I don't need your help," growled Sasuke.
"You plan to bite his shins until he surrenders?" asked Naruto.
"Anyway, I better start, only got five minutes left," he finished, stretching slightly.
"Pretty confident," stated Kakashi, exposing his Sharingan.
Smiling, Naruto opened his eyes, revealing not the blue eyes one would expect, but yellow toad-like eyes. "Let's see if I deserve it." This time, he was going to see if he could make Kakashi cry without burning his Icha-Icha.
New Loop #10:
Cackling madly, Naruto raced about the hidden bunker, prepping items for transfer, mixing some for fun, others for safety.
Kyuubi gave his container a hooded glare before settling back to sleep on a crate. That last Loop had taken a lot out of him—what with the freed Bijuu, undead Akatsuki, and fangirls…
Oh, the horror of fangirls… Yes, Kyuubi had learned of a force even more evil than Sasuke's chakra from the original timeline. "Are you sure you should be pulling this, brat?" he asked.
Naruto paused in his impersonation of a mad scientist. "What? You see something wrong?"
"Well, aside from that mixture in the greenish-brown vat could very well attract every vixen here … again … on this miserable rock, to you."
Naruto slowly turned towards the vat in question. "Damn, now I need another concoction for the Stinky Glue bombs.
"Wait; how will that attract … them?" he asked.
Kyuubi yawned. "What was the fourth ingredient?"
"Chakra infused—oh!" Naruto stated, slapping himself on his forehead. "Right, forgot to think like a fox."
"Think like a Yoko," snorted the Kyuubi.
Naruto gave him a hooded glare. "Blowing shit up isn't that much fun anymore. In addition, it'll likely lead to a reset.
"Do you want another chance at the undead?" Naruto asked in all seriousness.
"Fine," snorted the Kyuubi. "But I am a force of nature, brat. I like blowing shit up."
"Yeah, well even with this invasion, I'd rather not blow up my home. I just planted that herb garden, you know."
"Yes, you and your quest to master making your own ramen…"
"Hey! Teuchi said that if I can ever get a killer ramen—aside from stealing his diet ramen idea—he'd put it on the menu and credit me."
"Whatever," waved off the fox. After all, what could those pranks do that good old-fashioned slaughter couldn't?
The ceremony finished, the Sand ninjas grabbed the scrolls and slammed them down, activating the summoning circle, covering the area in a cloud of smoke.
When it cleared, they found not a giant three-headed snake, but an even larger toad.
Said toad patted its belly. "Love fast food," it muttered, before vanishing in a cloud of smoke.
When the smoke cleared, the Sand ninja discovered a second summoning circle in the middle of their own.
In the surrounding forest, hundreds of Sound and Sand ninja waited for the sign to strike.
The giant snake never came to tear through the walls of Konoha and allow them entrance.
However, above each ninja, a balloon did explode, dropping an assortment of vile liquids on top of them.
"What the hell is this shit?" grumbled one Sound Jounin.
"Probably," muttered a Sand Chuunin.
"What's that noise?" muttered a Sound Genin.
Slowly, as the noises of the forest stopped, the assembled ninja looked up … and screamed.
Kabuto smirked behind his mask, ready to activate the Genjutsu and drop many in the stadium.
Of course, having been busy looking to ensure he was not being watched, or anyone suspected the man in the ANBU outfit was not ANBU, he didn't notice an odd stone arrangement in the floor, on the aisle he was standing on.
At least, not until his body started to mold the chakra to activate the Genjutsu, triggering the stone to shoot up, revealing it was the top of a column.
It became even clearer to the triple-agent when it shot up between his legs.
Orochimaru growled at the cackling Jinchuuriki. His Sound Four had failed to set up the barrier.
No, the barrier was the last thing on their mind.
Tayuya was dancing about, performing a strip tease to music only she could hear or was direction with her flute. Jirōbō was giggling madly, occasionally muttering how he had the munchies. Kidōmaru was wandering about the roof, singing about someone called 'Spider-man'. Finally, Sakon and Ukon were fused into some random blob of body parts, muttering about colors.
Moreover, through it all, the Kyuubi brat was smiling at him.
"Man, when you worked on their poison resistance, you should have also worked on mind-altering substances as well," Naruto spoke. "Actually they may be OD-ing right now," he muttered. Wow, Tayuya wears granny-panties!
"You'll pay for this, brat!" yelled Orochimaru, as he began to do the signs for Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei.
As Sarutobi moved to stand in front of Naruto, the blond wondered exactly what would happen when Orochimaru put those seals into their skulls. After all, he was pretty sure the process wasn't made for using Bunshin Daibakuha instead of live humans.
Oh well, he wasn't the one standing right by them. He just hoped his final prank was going well.
"Put me down and fight!" yelled Sasuke.
"… No," stated Gaara, as his sand continued to hold the Uchiha prisoner. His mind was focused on reading the strange orange book Uzumaki had given him. For some reason, he felt like giggling.