Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.
This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.
These are their insanities.
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I love ramen and making things explode, I hate people who rat me out because then I have to take the time to make them disappear and that takes time from my favorite things. My goal is to kill two Uchihas since its something Emo here will never accomplish."
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen, Hyuuga girls, and orgies at Kurenai-sensei's place as long as Gai-sensei or Lee aren't there. I hate fan girls, emos, and lazy people who don't do their job. My goals are to kill the other Bijuu and take their power for my own and to eat the bloodline parts of high-level ninjas to gain their powers," he finished, looking at Kakashi and licking his lips. "That's a three-tomoe Sharingan eye ... right?"
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. There are tons of things I dislike but I don't really like anything. And I don't want to use the word "dream" but I have an ambition: the resurrection of my clan and to kill a certain man," spoke Sasuke.
"It better not be me," grumbled Naruto.
"... Okay, to kill two certain people," growled Sasuke.
"WHAT?" yelled Naruto.
"Okay, it's just to kill Naruto."
"... I'd like to request a transfer please." Naruto gulped a bit. Perhaps he'd been a bit too hard on Sasuke in the last loop.
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I like it when the voice in my head demanding the blood of the innocents and to rip off some seal is quiet. I hate it when Hinata kills someone and bathes in their blood before I get to. My dream is to turn into a giant fox and face off against some blond guy who looks a lot like me sitting on a giant smoking toad.
"Um ... Kakashi-sensei, why are you signaling for immediate ANBU backup?"
"Now you, pinky."
Huffing a bit, Sakura smiled. "My name is Sakura Haruno. I like..." she ended, giggling as she looked at Sasuke. "I hate..." she paused, glaring at Naruto.
"I told you," said the foxy blond, "that threesome with you and Ino was a one-time thing. Deal with it."
The rooftop got very quiet after that for a moment.
Naruto was very glad to be stuck in a time loop. Judging by Kakashi and Sasuke's shocked faces and the glowing red aura surrounding Sakura that was burning the floor, he'd be glad tomorrow that what was about to happen would all be a very painful memory.
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ... things, I hate it when people blame me for ... things I couldn't possibly have done."
Naruto blinked. "Wow; that sounded like the whole Uchiha district being blown up with paper bombs and high grade explosives."
"And how would you know that?"
"Lucky guess," Naruto said with an innocent smile as he looked at his instructor.
"We're on the other side of the village, we are only now seeing the smoke," added Kakashi.
Sasuke blinked. The dead last ... just blew up his home, his territory, his legacy of his slain clan?
"If I did it, where's your proof?" asked Naruto.
Exploding Shadow Clones with paper bombs were wonderful things: nothing to tie you into it and allowing you a perfect alibi.
Hmm, I wonder if Hinata wants me to help her blow up the Hyuuga compound.
He had to growl at that. The bitch ... she promised they would do it together!
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like when Hinata does that thing with her tongue. I hate having some furry bitch in my gut who apparently was upset that the Fourth wasn't monogamous with her."
Kakashi blinked at that. Naruto was speaking to the Kyuubi? The Kyuubi was claiming to have been a love interest of Minato Namikaze? The battle was a lover's spat that almost wiped the village out of existence?
"My goal according to Hinata is to pop one hundred cherries. But she keeps insisting I'm missing the point," he said as he held up a cherry. "I mean, how many ways can you pop one?"
He paused for a bit, as if listening to a voice only he could hear, before his cheeks flushed. "Ecchi Yoko," he mumbled. "Hinata couldn't have meant that when she told me that was my new goal."
Additional to the last one:
"Hinata, I did it!" yelled Naruto. "I popped a cherry!"
Hinata looked up from her list of possible kunoichis for Naruto to 'work' with. "You did?" Could he finally have understood her hidden meaning? Did he finally agree that she wanted an open (hot young women with her and Naruto) relationship?
"You got it in my eye!" yelled Neji.
She turned slightly green. "Please let that have been a cherry pit or even some juice," she pleaded towards the Kami.
"My name means nothing, for I have foreseen the horrible and painful ways you will all die within four years. But since I have foreseen the events leading up to those deaths and I find you bastards deserved to get offed that way, I won't say anything more. But Sasuke man, I'll be selling videos of your death, funny shit."
"My name's Kyuubi. I like ramen and Hyuuga women, I dislike Uchihas and Hokages who think shoving a wooden tree up my ass is funny. My goal is to nail every vixen from here to the core of this worthless planet, slay every Sharingan user on this rock, and reseal the other Bijuu in some hotties ... except pinkie here, she looks like a closet freak that enjoys dominating a fellow."
Naruto's eyes dimmed a bit as he shook his head. "Man, that mushroom ramen really messes with you, dattebayo!"
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen, ramen girls, and Hinata ... especially after she has a few in her," he said with a slightly perverted smile. "I hate lazy teachers, violent obsessed fangirls, and piss poor kissers," he said, glaring at the rest of the team and his Sensei, causing Sakura's eyes to open wide in shock--more than likely at the fact he had called Sasuke a bad kisser. "My goal is a good one, but I really don't see the three of you living long enough to see me complete them, so why bother telling you; too troublesome."
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen and my adopted sister Lilith. She always cooks me great food and just wants kisses with tongue for payback, cause she said I have so much energy to give. I mean, she must know Kage Bushin cause one time, she had henged into two Hinatas after making dinner and wanted some kisses."
Kakashi just stared as his charge seemed to develop a far-off look. It says a lot when the village pariah is having threesomes at the age of twelve with a succubus.
"Anyway," Naruto said after shaking away those happy thoughts and reminding himself to ask the great cooking succubus how she pulled that off--and what succubus meant, maybe it was some weird ninja level for girls, "I hate violent girls who hate when Lilith kisses me at lunch during school, anyone who makes Lilith upset," he growled, glaring at Sasuke, remembering when the fool had refused to accept Lilith's words that he was 'too weak to kiss'.
"My goal is to help Lilith by becoming Hokage and establishing a satellite village in the Makai realm ... though I can't seem to find that country on a map..."
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and you're already dead."
"What do you--" Kakashi started to say, before he collapsed to the floor. Blood seems to pool out from his ears.
Naruto just glared at his teammates. "Being late is not proper." He wondered how long it would be before the figured out it was just a henged shadow clone and the real Kakashi wouldn't show up for another hour. "And you said chalk dust wasn't a good idea," he said with a smile as he began to 'loot' the 'dead jounin'.
Naruto stood up and summoned several clones without the hand sign. "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated, your ramen techniques and flavors will be added to our own, resistance is futile."
Sakura paled. Not only was he annoying, he was a Trekkie. Dear God, she was being chased by a Trekkie! They never stopped! How could this be worse?
"Star Wars was so much better," snorted Sasuke.
It just got worse. Noooooo! Sasuke-kun is supposed to like Harry Potter! Damn you, Ino-pig! I read those books and did all those fanfics for nothing!
"Okay, let's start with blondie first," said Kakashi.
"Yo, I'm Naruto. I like helping my Big Brother from Big Brothers, Big Sisters slaughter entire clans and sell their eyes on NinBay, using genjutsu to either get tail or watch two girls make out thinking they are kissing the Emo here me and Big Brother missed almost five years ago."
"THAT WAS YOU!" yelled Sakura, as Sasuke growled at the fact Naruto had just admitted to helping slaughter his clan.
But the dead last couldn't have pulled that off ... right? And why did he call Itachi Big Brother?
"I dislike when my own fangirls think I enjoy being dominated, being the bitch, or kissing emo boys."
"Eep!" cried a pale-eyed Hyuuga as she ran off ... wearing a leather dominatrix outfit with ... assorted vibrating parts for his pleasure.
"My goal is mess with you all so much, you'll be glad when I finally take you out, and you'll never see it coming. Hell, the emo hasn't even realized he's wearing clothes and underwear that I sowed explosive tags into."
Sasuke's eyes went wide as Naruto began a countdown.
"Okay Blondie, you first," he said to the extremely nervous member of Team 7, prompting him to wonder just why the village prankster looked like Death had come for him.
"My name ... is Nar--" FFHT!
"Dart in your neck," said a newly arrived Hinata, putting her dart gun back in her satchel.
"Not again," murmured Naruto as he collapsed to the floor, the tranquilizers in the dart taking quick effect, the extracted dart falling to the ground.
Hinata just smiled as she picked him up. "Naughty, naughty, Naruto-kun; you know I don't like waiting for my nookie." With a smile towards the others, she turned towards Sakura. "Now stay away from my man, you skank, or I'll 64-trigram your ass!" With that, the formerly timid girl leapt away from the rooftop, the unconscious blond in her arms.
The others could only blink in shock, not really believing what had just occurred. Even Kakashi was confused, seeing as how his senses had told that that had been the real Hinata as well. "Um ... anyway..."
"Damn it!" cried a newly arriving blond girl. "Where is he, Forehead-girl?" yelled Ino, as she grabbed Sakura and began to shake her.
"Sasuke-kun's right here, Ino-pig!" yelled Sakura, slapping the arms holding her. But to her shock, Ino didn't drop her, nor did she even seem to notice. How the hell had Ino become immune to her strength?
"I don't care about his lame ass!" yelled Ino, bringing the pink-haired kunoichi closer to her face. "You can have Mr. Erectile Dysfunction; where ... is ... Naruto?"
Sasuke just glared at her. He did not have a problem with ... that! He just tended to need to avenge the clan before he worried about stuff like that.
Kakashi could only stare at the group, wondering if some powerful genjutsu was affecting the girls. "Hinata took him."
Ino's eyes opened wide, as she dropped her friend to the harsh rooftop. "That slut!" she yelled. "Which way?" she growled, turning to Kakashi and delivering a glare that promised a painful end if he did not reply within the next second.
Pointing in the right direction, the silver-haired jounin could only feel relief when she took off. Shouldn't she have been with Asuma getting her own test? Shouldn't Hinata have been with Kurenai? Man, he wasn't looking forward to explaining this to the Hokage. "Um ... meet me here tomorrow at eight in the morning, dismissed," he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind an angry boy with a desire to prove he was not unable to achieve an erection and a pink-haired kunoichi who wondered why Ino would be acting like that.
Naruto looked around the classroom, certain that the team were the only ones left. "Told ya we looped. But oh no, the blond Kyuubi container's just being crazy. Well welcome back to being twelve you assholes!"
"Stow it, Dobe," grumbled Sasuke. "You said yourself you got me back for putting that Chidori through your chest, let it go."
Naruto just snorted.
"So what now?" asked the nervous Sakura. "I mean, do we tell--"
"Been there, done that, and sold the t-shirt I got," said Naruto.
"But I didn't even get to say it!" yelled Sakura.
"Whatever it was, I've already done." Naruto slowly leveled a glare at her. "You guys are new, so I'll make it simple: I've tried everything to get out of this loop. But Teme's brother and his friends set this all up with that damned statue. There is no damn escape!"
"So what do you suggest we do?" glared Sakura.
Naruto stood up. "Well, I'm not waiting for Kakashi, let him be on time for once and I'll show up. I swear, not one loop has that man ever been on time."
"Maybe we could--"
"Finish that sentence and I'll Rasengan you in the gut," muttered Naruto.
"Where are you off too?" asked Sasuke.
"I'm thinking gambling, liquor, and loose women. Want a jump start on restarting your clan, Teme?"
"... Are we talking good looking women or are we talking Sound women?"
"Hot ones, like Tsunade in her prime."
"... Let me hit the bank first."
"But we have to..." started Sakura, before the duo leveled a glare at her. "Fine, but I want to see a show!"
Three hours later, the infamous jounin entered the classroom, only to find a note.
"What the hell is the 5-minute rule?" he asked, as he looked around for his team.
As Iruka closed the door, the males of Team 7 turned and faced their female partner.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm cutting you off for this loop," said Naruto.
"Same here," growled Sasuke. "Truthfully, we should kill you right now for what you pulled off at the end of the last loop."
"Soooooo worth it!" squealed the pink-haired kunoichi.
"Fucking yaoi-obsessed nymphomaniac," grumbled Naruto.
"Oh come on, what's a little replacement jutsu between friends?" she asked with a smile.
The two boys shivered at that.
"We are no longer having threesomes with you," growled Naruto, trying to force away the image of what had happened in the last loop away.
"With an extra guy or an extra girl?"
"Both," said Sasuke. "I don't trust you not to be pulling a Haku with whoever you bring. You're cut off."
"You can't do that!" yelled Sakura, seeing they were serious. "I just wanted to try it! What's wrong with that?"
"That area of me is exit-only," growled Sasuke.
"You'll be back," she huffed. "How can you resist this?" she asked with a lusty voice as she proceeded to pose.
"You realize you're twelve now, and not an elder teen with medically enhanced breasts," said Naruto. "I'm sure we'll manage."
"You guys suck," he grumbled as she sat back down.
"Well aside from the incident that shall be not named," said Naruto, as he and Sasuke both shivered in disgust, "what are the plans for this loop?"
"Sex of course!" cheered Sakura.
"… Seriously, you need help," said Sasuke. "I studied under Orochimaru, found out why my clan was massacred, and even I'm not half as fucked up as you are."
"Stow it, Erectile Issue."
"You found it worked well enough for how many years now?" asked the smirking Uchiha.
"Sex later, planning now," interrupted Naruto. "I'd like a plan when the Loli side tries to take me again," he said with another shiver.
"You just can't win with Hyuuga females, can you?" chuckled Sasuke.
Sakura just giggled. "Oh yes, how many were in that last attempt to kidnap you?"
"Go to hell!" yelled Naruto. "You have any idea how many people tried to kill me for that shit? I was better loved when they thought I was the Kyuubi given form!"
The two continued to laugh at his expense for a few minutes, before they finally caught their breaths. "Okay," said the smiling Sasuke, "Standard Reboot Plan 5 then?"
"Sounds good," said Sakura. "Kakashi-meet-n-greet 2?"
"Nah," said Naruto as he formed a familiar hand seal, "I got a new plan for that."
Continued from above…
Kakashi slowly trudged up the stairs to the roof of the Academy, trying to decide how to pay back his team for their prank.
He had entered the classroom a bit late, only to have something fall on top of his head. It turned out to be Anko's panties, and a 'little' child had led the Special Jounin to him at that moment, claiming that Kakashi was the man he saw steal them while she had been bathing.
Anko was not pleased and had knocked him out with a single punch to the jaw.
When he came to—and was particularly thankful not to have woken up with a snake-bite to his favorite appendage—he looked over his team with a bit of Killing Intent. They had all snorted, and informed him they were Kage Bushins meant to ensure he didn't die after he was knocked out, that the real ones were on the roof, before they vanished in a familiar puff of smoke.
Aside from Uzumaki, how did the others even know Kage Bushin, let alone have the reserves to pull it off.
His confusion became even larger when he began to hear their conversations on the roof.
"Sakura, I am not going to Shion just to start a pleasure house in Demon Country."
"Come on!" pleaded the girl. "You have to admit it would be perfect!"
Sasuke just snorted. "When has he ever founded a pleasure house like you requested?"
"Oh you wouldn't remember; you were dead at the time because you got upset that he was sleeping with your half sisters in the Hidden Smoke."
"… Oh yeah, I owe you a painful death for that," growled Sasuke, as lightning began to course over his hand.
"Hey, they made their own decisions," snorted Naruto. "Besides, I think I make a much better Clan Head than you."
"Excuse me," coughed Kakashi, as he got their attention. "Can we begin?"
The three shrugged and leaned back against the bench, waiting for him to begin.
"Alright then," said Kakashi. "Let's start with introducing yourselves."
"You're Kakashi," said Sakura. "You like porn, ninja dogs, porn, when Gai-Sensei runs away after your defeats of him to train, porn, and staring at the Shinobi Memorial. You dislike teaching, getting the shit kicked out of you by Anko-Sensei, and not catching a glimpse of a nipple from the outfits worn by Tsunade-sama. Your goal is to star in an Icha-Icha movie, hopeful opposite Princess Koyuki from the land of Snow."
The jounin's one revealed eye opened wide at her words. "How did you…?"
Sakura just smirked. "It's amazing what a little second base action can get you from the records offices."
"I am so getting tested," snorted Naruto.
"Hey, I don't sleep with anyone who doesn't pass a medical scan," she said, staring at him. "And I don't want to hear that crap from you, Mr. "It wasn't me; it was my Shadow Clone who slept with her"!"
"She's got a point," said Sasuke.
"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."
"Don't thank me, I'm getting tested too."
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki," the blond started, ignoring the anger levels of his pink-haired teammate or the confused glaze of their team leader. "I like ramen, of-age girls, seducing enemy kunoichi, seducing friendly kunoichi—"
"Gaara is so going to crush you for doing that with his sister and his only fangirl," smirked Sasuke.
Naruto waved it off. "He doesn't know, and they neither complained nor will admit to it.
"Anyway, that's enough of my likes."
"You like anything female, just admit it," glared Sakura. "I bet you even tried to nail Tsunade."
"… No … fucking … way!" glared Sakura.
"Ah, the joys of alcohol," said the smiling Uchiha, as he began to chuckle. "I don't care; you are so telling me that story."
"I like the opposite sex in all ways, shapes, and forms," said the smirking Uzumaki. "Anyway, my dislikes: yaoi-obsessed girls who try to trick me into doing a guy," he said, glaring at the innocently-whistling kunoichi, "and lolis that won't take hell-fucking-no as an answer. My goals are … actually I'm pretty happy with things the way they are now."
"My name is Sakura Haruno. I like sex, boys, sex, boys having sex—"
"Yaoi bitch," grumbled Sasuke and Naruto.
"I also like ripping apart jackasses who think I can't hear them or who deny me my desires of sex," she said, growling at the two. But the effect was somewhat ruined by each boys making the official "whoop-de-doo" gesture.
"I like just enjoying myself." She glared back at the boys, daring them to comment on her last line, before she continued. "I dislike being told no, guys and girls who think they deserve a shot at this perfection," she purred.
"You're twelve and flat now," said Sasuke, ruining her mood once more.
"I'll rip them off and make you a girl permanently," she said. "I know enough medical jutsu to even give you the full package, Sasuko. Remember?"
The youngest Uchiha male paled a bit. "Oh shit," he murmured, remembering that timeline all too well.
A devilish smile on her face, Sakura continued. "My goal is to attain my fondest wish," she said wistfully, as she began to drool slightly, making both boys scoot further away from her.
"I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I like blood, sex, and violence. I enjoy jutsu, women, and non-yaoi pairings. I dislike yaoi, fangirls, and Snake summoners who want me to dress up like a pirate. My goal is to rebuild my clan and kill five certain … make that two certain people," he said.
"Clones finished?" asked Naruto. He didn't really mind after all, those two old nuts on the council had been the main reason his life had sucked so much before the loops, and Danzo … well he was the type of guy you wanted killed, especially when Sai admitted the penis jokes he always made where learned from said man.
"Yep," smiled Sasuke. "I still have one Uchiha left and you for sleeping with my half-sisters."
"Half-sisters?" asked Kakashi, his mind slowly drawing things back into focus.
Naruto nodded. "About his age, his Old Man had a mission in the area and apparently cheated on Sasuke's mom, giving rise to two twin hotties in that village. They said I was a much better person to restart the Uchiha than emo here," he said chuckling.
"So I must kill the both of you now," murmured Sasuke, nodding his head and allowing his Mangekyō Sharingan to fully erupt.
"Oh stop it," sighed Sakura. "We all know you'll just get payback again by sleeping with Hinata behind his back."
"… What?" asked Naruto, red chakra beginning to envelop his body.
"Didn't know that, did you?" asked Sakura with a smile. "He henged into you and took her for a ride."
"You slept with my Hinata?"
"You boned my sisters, payback's a bitch!" growled Sasuke, as lightning chakra began to flow over his body.
Sakura squealed as she leapt to the other side of the roof. "Fight! Come on, tear off those clothes! Let's do this Greco-Roman style! Where's my oil?"
Kakashi slowly backed away down the stairs. He didn't know what was going on, but he obviously needed to head to the hospital, he most assuredly had some mental trauma if he was imagining this shit.
The students all assembled, waiting for their teams to be called out, joy on their faces as it meant to them that for the moment, they were truly ninjas.
"Okay then," said Iruka, "Team--" he paused and tilted slightly, as did the rest of the class, before his eyes shot up. "Okay, who fucked up this time?" he asked.
"It was Kiba," said Shino. "How do I know this? I saw his hairy ass having sex with a Cloud Kunoichi before we shifted once more."
"What?" asked the dog-style nin. "I'm a dog-style ninja, she's a container of a cat Bijuu, shit happens."
"I'll give you shit, you son of a bitch!" yelled Hinata as she launched herself at the boy who was supposed to be her teammate.
Iruka sighed, ignoring Kiba's cries as Hinata showed him what chakra points around his groin could be closed painfully. Looking up, he spotted Naruto with his hand up. "Yes, Naruto?"
"Since Kiba fucked up, does this mean I can do his sister again?"
"WHAT?" yelled Kiba, trying to fight back against Hinata.
"She's a dog-style ninja, I have a giant horny fox Bijuu in my gut, I want some shit to happen."
"Sure, go ahead," Iruka muttered. "I'm going to go get a drink. You already know your senseis, they know you unless they got killed during the last loop," he said. Strangely, only a few people ever remembered the previous loops if they got killed before the end of the last one, never a teacher though. "I'm leaving."
"You stay away from my sister, Naruto!" bellowed Kiba.
"You stay away from Naruto, you sick bastard!" yelled Hinata. "Now stand still so I can neuter you!"
Iruka opened his list. "Okay, Team 1 is Naruto Uzumaki ... and any fine kunoichi he wants to tap?"
Naruto smiled. "Wow, great team! Kami-sama finally paid me back! Whose our Sensei?"
Iruka blinked. How the hell could this happen? It was on an official scroll, sealed correctly. There was no way a genin, even one with Naruto's talents could have hacked it. "Um ... Anko," he said in shock. The Council was finally giving Anko a team?
Several girls blushed, yelled, or passed out in joy--Kiba kept Hinata from falling backwards and hitting her head, at hearing the news.
"Team 2 is ... every guy remaining, going to ... Ibiki?" he asked, shocked once again.
Naruto just smiled. After all, one of the rules of having a harem were to get rid of the competition. Personally, he wondered which Council member would be the first to have an aneurysm first.
Temari looked over her only living brother now. "Why did you just kill Kankuro? We've barely started this loop!"
Gaara looked over at his sister, ignoring the pale form of Baki, their jounin Sensei. "It isn't like the loop won't restart tomorrow. Besides, he was doing things to his puppets, things both Mother and Shukaku saw with me, that demanded punishment."
"Do I want to know?" she asked.
"No," said Gaara simply as he stood up. "Excuse me, I have a fangirl collection to develop. I refuse to allow Naruto to surpass my count."
"But you became Kazekage before he became Hokage!" said Temari, not even caring that her apparently disturbed and perverted brother was splatter all over the floor before her.
"Temari, it is a guy thing. Drop this subject, much like I dropped why you need a hand mirror to shave."
Blushing, she dropped the subject. "Well, I don't have to shave now, since killing our brother sets up a reset."
Gaara nodded. "Now tell me, which kunoichi might be curious to see what a tanuki Bijuu grants me?"