Kikyo's Killer's Note: A Red Riding Hood rip-off. What more could you ask for? This is mostly to pass the time because (a) I have no social life and (b) I have nothing to do until the game Shadow of Colossus arrives.
Warnings: Wolf-Roy, Ed being mistaken for a girl, shounen-ai, Roy x Ed, AU, One-shot
Summary: A rip off of Little Red Riding Hood. Ed is walking over to Pinako's and he runs into a wolf named Roy. What does the wolf have up his sleeve? Does he even have sleeves?
Little Red Riding Ed
It was a normal day in the little cottage by the forest. The Elric Brothers were inside the house doing things teenage boys do while Trisha Elric made a basket for her dear, sweet neighbors the Rockbells. Poor Pinako was sick and her dear granddaughter wasn't able to visit her because of the long journey out of town, so she decided to have Edward bring over a basket of goodies.
"Edward," She called for her eldest son. "I need you to bring over a basket of goodies to Pinako for me."
Ed poked his head from his room, "Why do I have to do it?"
"Because I'm busy and Alphonse will get side-tracked and we won't see him for a week." Trisha held out the basket to her first born, a bright, loving smile on her face.
"Well I'm busy too…" Edward mumbled before heading back to his room.
Trisha's once calm, nice attitude quickly turned into one of rage. "YOU'RE GOING!"
Edward jumped. "Yes ma'am!"
A smile returned to the mother's face as she handed the basket to her son. "Oh Edward, I'm so glad that you've agreed to go!"
"Yeah, yeah," Edward mumbled and threw the basket over his shoulder. "So where am I going again?"
"To Pinako's house, but please stay on the road and don't talk to strangers. Or wolves. Or any other dangerous animals that habit the forest." Trisha warned.
But Ed, being a normal teenage boy he was, didn't listen. He was too busy trying to figure the quickest route too there so he could get back home and continued reading Little Red Riding Hood. He got to the part where Red just got to her grandmother's house, but then his mother interrupted him. He really wanted to know what happened next too.
"Edward did you hear me?" Trisha snapped Edward out of his musings.
"Huh?" Edward quickly put on a smile and waved his hand. "Of course I heard you! Stay on the road and don't go around picking a fight with squirrels. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to deliver these treats to Pinako!"
Ed waved goodbye was he raced out of the house and into the forest, ignoring his mother's cries.
"Edward! That's not what I said! Come back!"
Once Edward was a few feet from his house is when he slowed down his running. It was a nice beautiful day outside, perfect for staying inside and reading a book. That was what Edward really wanted to do. "Why do I have to deliver the food?" was heard throughout the forest as Ed kicked stones on his way to Winry's grandmother's house. Among the little forest creatures that heard Ed rant on and on about how he hated delivering food, was a tall, well built wolf.
He had big, black ears and tail. His black eyes were sharp and teeth were pointy teeth. His black hair was short and he wore a black shirt and baggy blue jeans. The wolf stared at the beautiful creature strolling down the path and couldn't help but fantasize about her. Her long, blonde hair in braided ponytail lying on top of his red jacket, her wide golden eyes so full of life, though her chest was rather flat, her beauty quickly made up for it. Sadly she was too young for his taste. Such a shame. But that didn't mean that he couldn't help her, now could it?
Stepping out of the bushes he stood in front of the beauty. The boy was too busy rambling on about how he hated how he did everything to notice the wolf until it was too late. He ran into a nice, well built stomach. He looked up and came upon what looked like a nice, good-looking man… with wolf-ears and tail. That's not something you see everyday…
"Hello," the strange wolf-human hybrid bowed, "I'm Roy Mustang and you are Miss?"
Edward raised an eyebrow. "Edward Elric and I'm a guy."
Roy straightened. "Really?"
Edward nodded his head. "Yeah, really…"
Well that explains a lot. Mustang mused. "So how old are you, Edward?"
Roy wasn't expecting that. "What! But you're so small…"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU COULD STEP ON HIM AND WOULDN'T NOTICE UNTIL YOU LOOK UNDER YOU SHOE!"
Roy blinked. "You, I'm guessing."
Edward glared at the wolf-man. "What do you want?"
Roy smiled a sweet, innocent smile. "I'm sorry that I was rude. Let's start this again." Roy captured Ed's hand within his own and knelt down. "Hello, Edward, I am Roy Mustang, it is an honor to meet you."
He put his lips on Ed's hand and gave him a small, butterfly kiss. Edward's face flushed red as he tried to think of something to say. While Ed was trying hard to think of something to say, the gears were working in his head quite well. He was thinking of a way to make Ed his. How he could make Ed fall in love with him, willing or not.
"Um…uh…N-nice to meet you, Mr. Mustang." Ed stuttered. "I…uh…better get going."
"Where may I ask you are going, Edward? And please call me Roy."
"I'm…I'm going to my friend's grandmother's house. She's sick and I need to give her some treats."
Roy stood up and smiled at Ed. "By any chance does your friend's grandmother life in the cottage a couple of miles from here?" Ed nodded dumbly. "That's great! I know a shortcut." Roy pointed to a road a not far away from where they stood. "Take that road and on the first fork take a right until you come across a three-way split. Take another right. Then take a left and then another right and then a left and taa-daa you're there!"
"Thanks! I owe you one, Roy!" Ed waved goodbye as he ran the street Roy pointed out, ignoring the voice in his head telling him that this was all too familiar.
Roy waved back, smiling. Once the blonde was gone, Roy smiled. "Grandma's house, huh?"
Roy approached the cottage with care. He surveyed the area, looking for a sign that anyone was nearby. When everything was clear he knocked on the door. No one answered. He knocked on the door. Still nothing. So he knocked on it again, this time putting his ear to the door. It was dead silent. No one was home. Roy smiled. Perfect.
He opened the door and walked inside, looking for something that could help pass him off as Edward's grandmother. As he searched he remembered the story Little Red Riding Hood and how the wolf dressed up in Red's clothes. Ed probably wasn't going to fall for this, I mean who hasn't heard/read that story before? Still, there was nothing else he could do.
Sighing, Roy went through the old lady's clothing and came upon a long gown and a nightcap. Perfect. Now all he had to do was change and through his clothes under the bed and hope that Ed can fall for his little trick. Like that would happen.
"That stupid wolf tricked me!" Ed whined as he walked through the forest to Pinoka's house. "Stupid wolf with his strong, lethal body and good hair and his drop-dead body and…where was I going with this again?"
He sighed and looked up at the sky. It was almost dusk, at this rate he was not going to make it home before night. His mother must be worried about him and so is his brother. He sighed again as he kicked a rock with his foot. Maybe if he ran the rest of the way, he'll be able to get home before his mother got too worried. Yeah, that'll work.
Taking a deep breath, Edward ran the path to Pinako's trying hard not to drop any of the goods his mother made. It wasn't long before he came upon the Rockbell's place. He smiled and forced himself to run faster, still being careful not to drop the goods. He finally stopped when he reached the door only to catch his breath. When was ready he knocked the door and called out,
"Ms. Rockbell, are you home?"
"Yes." A somewhat familiar, slightly male voice spoke.
Edward raised an eyebrow. Then he remembered that Pinako was sick, but it still was rather strange voice. "May I come in?"
Ed opened the door and stepped inside. He looked around, everything was normal. He walked over to Pinako's room and entered. There lying in the bed was Ms. Rockbell with the cover's over her mouth and nose. "Um…I brought you some food."
"Oh thank you, child." She replied in the weird she-man voice.
"Ms. Rockbell are you alright? I mean you're voice is a little guy-ish."
"I have a little cold." And as if to prove her point, "Ms. Rockbell" coughed a little.
Ed placed the basket on the table. And walked over to Ms. Rockbell's bed and sat down next to it. "Whoa! Ms. Rockbell, is that what your eyes look like without the glasses?"
"And your hat, I think there's something trying to stick out of it."
"Um… it's my hair."
"And why are you covering your mouth? It's making your voice sound strange."
"Oh for the love of—!" Roy moved the bed sheet away from his mouth. "What is with you and your stupid questions?"
Ed's eyes doubled in size and he screamed. "You're the wolf who tricked me! What have you done with Pinoka?"
"I haven't done anything! This place was empty when I got here."
"Then where is she!"
Pinoka stood in front of the table rolling the dice in her hands. "Come on baby, Grandma needs new shoes!"
She let go of the dice. One landed on a three the other on a four. "Lucky number seven." The dealer declared.
"Yes! That's what I'm talking about!"
"How the hell should I know?" Mustang threw the covers off and stood up.
"Then what the hell are you doing here?" Edward stomped his foot. "Are you following me? Are you going to eat me? Because if you are buddy, I ain't going down with out a fight!"
"No, no, I wasn't going to do any of that." Roy shook his hands defensibly. "I actually came here to woo you."
"Woo me? How? By dressing up as an old lady?"
"I don't know! I haven't gotten that far yet."
Ed growled and headed for the door. "If that's all you want, I'm heading home. I have a family and they're probably worried about me."
"Wait!" Roy cried out to Ed.
Ed stopped at the door, but his hand was still on the handle. He turned the wolf, anger still apparent in his eyes. "What is it--?"
He was cut off by the door opening and a huge, overly muscular man came barging him, in the process knocking him against the wall causing him to fall unconscious. "Is something wrong? I heard screaming!"
Mustang stood there, wide-eyed as a huge man stood in the door way with a gigantic ax. The woodsman eyes fell upon the wolf—still in an old lady's clothing— in an empty house.
"Ms. Rockbell is that you?" The blonde hiared man asked, squinting his eyes.
"You got to be kidding me!" Roy threw off the hat. "Do I look like a lady to you?"
"Holy crap! You're a wolf! What are you doing here? Where's Ed? I could have sworn he was here! Have you eaten him because if you have…"
"Now wait just a minute, I haven't eaten any humans!" The wolf defended. "In fact, wolves don't usually eat—"
The woodcutter only continued ranting, "Where is he! What have you done to him?"
"I didn't do anything; you're the one who knocked him out coming in here." The man raised an eyebrow. Roy sighed. "Close the front door."
When the man did Ed fell on to the floor, eye twirling. "Ed! Are you alright?" The man cried, dropping the ax and kneeling toward the dazed boy. Ed didn't answer. "Ed! Ed!"
The man glanced at the wolf looking for answers, but no one was there.
Ed sat in his bed, a bandage wrapped around his head. He still had a splitting headache but the painkillers were helping with that. When he woke up, Armstrong was by his bedside crying and telling him how sorry he was. He didn't know why, it wasn't his fault. It was that damn wolf's! He was the bastard who tricked him!
"I swear if I ever see that wolf again I'm going to—!"
"You're going to what?" Ed jumped at the sound of the voice. He looked to his window found the wolf standing there with a sly smile on his face.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Ed growled. He was the last person he wanted to see.
Roy shrugged. "Just came by to check on you."
"This is your entire fault. If you hadn't tricked me I would have—"
"—been eaten by a tiger." Roy finished.
"A tiger was on the path I took to that old lady's place. Luckily for you, I tricked the animal and was able to keep the forest save."
"What was it doing there? Do tigers even live in the woods?" Then it hit him. "You're such a liar! Tigers don't live in forests! They live in the jungle!"
Roy smirked. "Pretty quick, kid. I guess that head injury didn't knock out the sense in you."
"Well it doesn't take a genus to know that you're lying. You do it all the time." Ed crossed his arms. "So what's the deal? Are you a chronic liar or something?"
"Hey before you go, could you do me a favor?"
"No, I will not sleep with you. I know I may be hot and sexy, but you are just too young. Maybe in a year or two."
"What? No! Not that!" Ed pointed to a book sitting on a chair a few feet away. "Could you get me that book? The doctor said that I need to rest in bed for a couple of days."
The Wolf shrugged and jumped inside. He grabbed the book and looked at it. "Little Red Riding Hood…? You're rereading it or something?"
"No, I haven't read it yet. I was going to read it yesterday, but you tricked me and caused me to have a head injury." Edward spat bitterly.
"This book is a lot like what happened to us, you know."
Roy shrugged and tossed the book on Ed's lap. "Depends, where are you at?"
"I'm at the place where the wolf tells Red the shortcut to Grandma's house—"
"That's what I did."
"—and when she gets there the wolf is dressed in the old woman's clothing."
"And that's not something I'm very proud of doing..."
"And that's where I stopped."
"So you don't know what happens after she gets to grandma's house?"
"No, but I will if you let me continue reading this book."
Ed opened the book and flipped the pages stopping to where he left off. He was about to continue his reading when the damn wolf snatched the book away from him. Ed growled and tried to take the book back, but the wolf only moved it out of reach. After a minute or two of keep away, Roy got bored and threw the book over his shoulder. Ed gaped.
"What the hell did you do that for?"
Roy shrugged. "That book is so stereotypical. I'll tell you what really happened to Little Red."
"I don't even know what happened to her in the book!"
Roy ignored the boy and continued. "Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest to her wealthy grandmother's house. On the way there she meets a starving wolf. The wolf begged her for some food for he was truly very hungry. 'No, you filthy animal, this food is for my wealthy grandmother who has tons of it in her house and doesn't need more.'
"The wolf's stomach growled. 'Please may I just a little bit. I'm rather hungry.' The evil little yelled 'NO!' and skipped off. The wolf's stomach growled. He was desperately hungry. So he decided to see if he could get something from her Grandmother's house. So he set off to find the elderly lady. When he arrived there he knocked on the door. An elderly woman answered. Before the wolf could say anything, the woman screamed and ran away leaving an empty house.
"An idea formed in the wolf's head. If he could pose as Red's grandmother, maybe he could get the goodies in Red's basket. So that's what he did. He dressed up as the old hag and got into her bed. It wasn't long before Red entered the room. Lucky for the wolf the girl wasn't very bright; however she was a very nosy brat.
"The annoying child said, 'Grandmother, what big arms you have!'
'All the better to hug you with, my dear.'
'Grandma, what big legs you have!'
'All the better to run with, my child.'
'Grandma, what big eyes you have!'
'All the better to see you, my child.'
'Grandmother, what big teeth you have!'
'All the better to eat the goodies you've brought, my dear.'
"The annoying child was just about to hand the basket to the starving wolf when the woodcutter came in. He didn't fall for the wolf's disguise though. With a good swing of his ax, he chopped off the wolf's head off. Little Red Riding Hood then fell in love with him and got married. They had several kids and died of HIV/AIDS because Red was a whore."
Ed looked at Roy strangely. "I highly doubt that's what happened."
"It's true! I know a guy, who knows a guy, whose cousin's friend's boyfriend saw the whole thing."
"What? You lost me after 'I know a guy'."
Roy laughed. "What I'm saying is that not all wolves are bad. Most of us are actually nice guys."
"You have yet to show me that." Ed folded his arms.
Roy smirked and gave Ed a quick peck on the lips. "I bet you I can change that."
Ed smiled as he wrapped his arms around Roy's neck and kissed him. "I'll like to see you try."
Roy's smirk turned into a smile. "Is that a challenge?"
"Maybe…"The two kissed again. "You planned this whole thing out, didn't you?"
"You're such a liar." Ed kissed the wolf again.
Roy smiled. "Yes, but I'm your liar."
Kikyo's Killer's Note: I hope you all enjoyed reading my first attempt at EdxRoy story. It took me less than two days to write and it was five pages using Berlin Sans FB and size 8 font. I also used the whole page, so I guess this is a really long story. Yet it didn't really take very long to write, so that's a bit of a bummer. Again, I hope you enjoyed the story and please review. It'll keep me busy until my game arrives! Please, I'm begging you!