A/N: I had a fun time writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it. This fic is based off of Laverinth's cute pic The Groomsmen. The situation and title are hers. The link to the pic can be found in my profile.
"Remus, he'll be dressed, I promise," Peter said trotting next to Remus's long strides down the corridor. "We'll be there in time."
"For your sake I hope so. I told you not to leave him alone with Muggle clothes. Remember how long it took us to explain what a zip does during our first year?" Remus replied opening the door to where Sirius was dressing in his tux for Lily and James's wedding.
"Oh Merlin," Peter choked on a laugh that bubbled up. Sirius stood in the middle of the room looking completely lost. He had his trousers on (Thank Merlin for small favors, Remus thought) and his shirt was buttoned up even if it was only partially tucked in, but his jacket was half on half off, his cummerbund was wrapped around his head like a bandana, he had one shoe on and his tie was nowhere in sight.
"Why does Lily want me to wear Muggle clothes again?" Sirius asked, turning this way and that in the mirror. "Because this is not a good look, even for Muggles."
"She's trying to merge both worlds so James's parents are happy and her parents are happy," Remus replied for what felt like the hundredth time. He sniffed Sirius warily to which Sirius gave him a confused and wary look. "You took a shower right?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes mother."
"I meant today."
"Umm . . . "
"And by shower I mean in a bathtub with soap, not splashing in a puddle as Snuffles."
"Then no. I had one yesterday though!"
Remus rolled his eyes. How on earth did this smelly boy ever get so many women? "We've only got forty-five minutes, it'll have to do."
They all but tackled Sirius to untie his cummerbund and take off his jacket. "Tuck in your shirt," Remus ordered while Peter scurried around the room trying to find his tie and shoe.
Sirius waggled his eyebrows giving Remus a lecherous grin. "Why don't you? You know you've wanted to get your grubby paws down my trousers since fourth year."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Only in your filthy dreams. Now please, tuck in your shirt before I get someone in here to do it for you, Lily perhaps."
Sirius blanched and quickly set about tucking in his shirt.
"Found 'em!" Peter crowed crawling out from beneath a settee on the opposite side of the room. "And I really don't want to know why they were there either."
"Smart thinking Wormtail," Remus muttered attempting to wrap Sirius's cummerbund around his waist.
"I feel like a king," Sirius grinned, holding his arms up and letting Peter and Remus dress him. "You, Jeeves, fetch me an iced water and the most expensive chocolates on the planet," he ordered in an exaggerated snotty accent gesturing off handedly toward Peter, "and you Jeffries, I want to be fanned and fed grapes, pomegranate seeds and apples by no less than seven voluptuous women."
Peter yanked hard on the laces he was tying and Remus perhaps tightened Sirius's tie a bit too tight. "Ooww," Sirius whinged, rubbing his throat. "I was only joking."
Remus merely cocked an eyebrow. "We have half an hour until the wedding starts downstairs, Padfoot. Can you stay clean for that long?"
Sirius's mouth dropped in horrified affront. "Yes! I can! Do I look three to you? Don't answer that!"
Remus merely rolled his eyes and ushered Peter and Sirius, who grabbed his jacket last minute, out of the room biting on his lip to keep from smiling.
"Aw, there's our little boy. So grown up and gettin' married!" Sirius sighed when they entered the groom's suite down the hall. James was standing in front of a full length mirror impeccably dressed and looking extremely dapper. He was the picture of calm except for the nervous tick at the corner of his eye and he kept twisting this way and that, looking over his shoulder into the mirror.
"Honestly does this make me look fat? I don't think these trousers are doing much for my thighs at all," he said lifting up his coat tails and sticking his bum out toward the mirror, scrutinizing his reflection over his shoulder.
"You look fine. Prongs, I feel as the quote unquote father of the group, I should set you aside – oh Merlin, your arse looks fine, now sit in that chair," Remus ordered pointing to a comfy chair next to the mirror.
He made sure that James's seat was firmly planted before pulling up a chair and sitting in front of him. Peter wandered off to check out the refreshments that came with the room and Sirius took up James's position in front of the mirror with a comb to meticulously place each hair where he felt it needed to go.
"Now James. Tonight you're about to become a man and I feel it is my duty to explain the logistics of the physical aspect of a male/female union," Remus explained in his best professor voice.
James looked over at Sirius, horrified. "Pads –"
"Padfoot agrees that you need to have . . . The Talk."
"You're taking the mick; please tell me you're taking the mick."
Remus settled back in the chair, crossing his legs, propping his elbows up on the arm rests and tenting his fingers in front of his pursed lips. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, and I'm hoping and assuming you've taken care of that part, they wish to express that love physically."
James's face grew paler and paler, his jaw was somewhere on the floor. "Moony!"
"You have a question already?"
"No! I want you to stop, now. You're sounding far too much like my father and it's really starting to scare me. I already had this talk with him when I was thirteen, I don't need it again! I've just gotten over the scars!"
"Aw! Moony didn't even get to the candles and flowers part," Sirius sighed regretfully. "That was the best part because it's nothing but a myth."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Merlin forbid you should treat a woman with a certain amount of romance. They like that you know. You get in their knickers quicker with that 'bull'."
"Hmm . . . so you're saying, give women a dead plant and they drop trow?" Sirius asked regarding his reflection thoughtfully.
James slumped back in his chair, rubbing an eyebrow wearily. "Moony, I appreciate the effort, but honestly, you don't need to go over what I'm sure is a very detailed and clinical explanation of human procreation."
"I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the thought of you having sex or you using more than four syllables in a word," Remus replied wryly.
"Be nice or no cake for you!"
Remus grinned dropping his hands to rest them on the arm rests and regarded his best friend quietly. James had grown up from that over privileged, hex happy kid he'd been a few years ago to a fairly responsible, mostly mature, not quite so hex happy adult. "I'm really proud of you, James."
The other man blinked rapidly, looking away quickly. "Thanks Remus. That means a lot to me," he murmured softly.
"You're recording the wedding night right? Because if you are, I'll need at least thirty copies," Sirius piped up.
"Way to ruin a moment!" James sighed, wishing he had something to throw at his best man.
"Oh, I'm sorry; I thought you were getting married to Lily, not Moony. You do realize those guests downstairs are going to be disappointed when they find out the invitations were misprinted. Lily too I bet. If you run fast I'm sure I could sweet talk them while you two run out the back and elope," Sirius snarked back with a sarcastic grin.
"If we elope, you can't be my best man nor will there be a reception and then how will you get all those single women?" James shot back.
Sirius thought about that. "Bollocks! All right fine, marry Lily," he sighed.
"I'm glad I have your approval Padfoot," James replied wryly.
"Please tell me that you won't be naming your first son after him," Remus sighed, rubbing his temples.
"Nope. I want to name him Wilmer, you know, Willy for short, but Lily's got it in her head she wants Harry," James rolled his eyes. "Can you imagine how teased that kid would be in school?"
"Like Willy's any better?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow.
James opened his mouth to fully defend the merits of Willy when they were interrupted by the opening of the door. "James?" Frank Longbottom poked his head around the door, briefly searching the room before his eyes landed on the groom. "They're ready downstairs."
Sirius hummed the Funeral March while they walked down the hall.
"Shut up Pads," James muttered.
He switched to Taps while they walked downstairs.
"Shut it Padfoot, I mean it."
Just before they reached the altar, he was softly singing "Nearer My God to Thee."
The narrowed eyes on Lily's face as she walked down the aisle were well worth the black eye.