Pairings: Ryuichi/Tatsuha, with mentions of other couples.
Warnings: Yaoi. If you do not like the idea of two totally hot guys being in love, then this is not for you. May contain some swearing, angst (of course), sappy fluff, and other items I may forget to mention.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation. Gravitation owns me.
Please Note: This a collection of one-shots, and none of them have anything to do with the other "chapters" unless stated otherwise. Oh, and one-shots, usually mean long-shots for me.
Author Notes: I first saw the idea for A-Z one-shots in a different fandom (Harry Potter, if I remember right), and have seen it be done a few times, so, here is my rendition. I will probably do another one for Yuki/Shuichi sometime. Maybe. But my main focus is, and always will be, Ryuichi and Tatsuha, so who knows when that one will be out. Err..If ever. ;p
Italics are for emphasis.
Alphabet Soup for the RyuTat Soul
A is for Amnesia
It was really hard sometimes. Especially when Ryuichi would stare at him with blank, but always beautiful, ocean blue eyes. Never remembering what had happened for the past few months. Never remembering them.
It made Tatsuha want to scream in frustration.
It made Tatsuha want to break down and cry for the first time in years.
Sometimes, it made Tatsuha want to just give up on ever having a lasting relationship with Ryuichi Sakuma.
But he never gave up. He couldn't give up on the energetic man he had idolized, had obsessed over, and had, ultimately, fallen in love with.
One time, when the bout of forgetfulness had been excessively bad (Ryuichi had claimed that Tatsuha was trying to rob him, and had started to throw anything and everything at the distraught teenager), Tatsuha had brought Ryuichi to a doctor, hoping against hope that maybe they could find something to explain why Ryuichi would love him and remember him one day, and then the next not even know who Tatsuha Uesugi was.
But the damn doctors had only given Ryuichi a bunch of medication that was absolutely no help and only caused Ryuichi to be insanely tired all the time.
So Tatsuha had dealt with Ryuichi's odd memory and strange behavior on his own. And his life was split into three different kinds of days: Good Days, Normal Days, and Bad Days.
Good Days were for cherishing, Normal Days were for remembering and Bad Days were for grieving.
On Good Days, Ryuichi would welcome him with a warm smile and a soft kiss. Ryuichi would cuddle up with him on the couch, talking in that energetic way that showed Ryuichi's love for life. Good Days were when Ryuichi remembered that he had a strong and loving relationship with Tatsuha. Those were the days where Ryuichi would remember the way the two of them had finally gotten together and how they had made it through the many trials that tried to break them apart. It was the Good Days that Tatsuha was able to kiss Ryuichi and have the sweet man kiss him back.
Those were the days that Tatsuha cherished the most, when Ryuichi remembered him, and, more importantly, remembered their relationship. Those were the days that he longed for, but they were few and far between.
Normal Days weren't particularly painful, but in some ways, they were just as bad. On Normal Days, Ryuichi would greet Tatsuha as a friend, or sometimes as just a fan that he had only met once or twice. Ryuichi was never mean to him, but their conversations would be forced and stilted, with that awkwardness that only came between strangers. And then Ryuichi would ask him to leave, not remembering that Tatsuha had been living with him for the last year and a half.
It was the Normal Days where Tatsuha remembered the pain and longing he had felt before he had become lovers with Ryuichi. Those were the days that he was forced to pretend that Ryuichi meant nothing more to him than an idol to obsess over.
But the Bad Days...Tatsuha was treated worse than a stranger. Most of the time, Ryuichi would think that Tatsuha was a stalker, or a thief, since the teen had a key to Ryuichi's apartment and could easily walk in at any time. On Bad Days, Ryuichi would do anything to get rid of Tatsuha. The singer had even called the police on him. Bad Days were where Ryuichi would go out and find someone else; some flirty, scantily dressed girl to warm his bed. Ryuichi would only remember the fact that he was a rock star and could have anyone he wanted. He would have no thoughts about a certain dark-haired and equally dark-eyed teenager.
Unfortunately, tonight had been one of those nights.
Tatsuha knew that he couldn't get mad over those one-night stands. He knew, he hoped, that none of them meant anything to his Ryuichi. He pushed away the hurt every time, and trudged on through the hardships that had made a relationship with Ryuichi Sakuma seem almost impossible.
But, no matter how much it hurt, even though it felt like a hundred knives piercing his heart, Tatsuha knew he would still do anything, anything for Ryuichi. Even if it meant getting hurt every few days.
Sighing heavily, Tatsuha knocked on the familiar door, not having the energy to work his way through the too-easy-to-undo lock.
Unsurprised golden eyes met his. Not saying anything, Yuki moved over to allow his younger brother inside.
"Thanks." Tatsuha muttered as he moved into the living room, sitting down heavily on to the couch. The TV was on, but Tatsuha paid it no mind. His thoughts were solely focused on the usual feelings of doubt, fear, rejection, anger, and sorrow that always accompanied Bad Days.
Yuki, silently as ever, made his way into the living room as well, turned off the annoying television before taking a seat on the far end of the couch. The blonde haired author picked up a nearby book, and started to read it. This, too, was a ritual following a Bad Day.
Silence reigned over the room, making Tatsuha feel uncomfortable. He wasn't used to so much quiet, and his brother knew it. Tatsuha was used to having Nittle Grasper blaring out of stereo speakers, or, when he was with Ryuichi, his lover's constant chatter. But Tatsuha had, sadly, played this game many times before and didn't want Yuki to get his way this time. He wasn't going to be the one to start talking first.
The next few minutes passed by very slowly. The silence only broken by an occasional sound of paper rustling as Yuki turned the page in his book. The bastard.
Tatsuha glanced at the clock, knowing it could only be early in the evening. He had come home to find Ryuichi with a dark-haired, dark-eyed woman, before the man had demanded that Tatsuha leave. The dejected teen had quickly muttered 'Sorry, wrong room', before retreating to his brother's apartment.
Tatsuha wasn't sure if he should feel extremely hurt, or slightly happy that all the women Ryuichi got together with looked a lot like him. All with black hair and midnight eyes to match.
Not really wanting to think about Ryuichi with some else, no matter how much that person looked like him, Tatsuha pushed those thoughts away.
Yuki didn't look disturbed by the intense quiet. In fact, his older brother seemed to be enjoying it. Tatsuha was positive that his Aniki knew that this silence was driving the younger brother insane.
It was ironic that almost a whole year and a half with a mentally unstable boyfriend hadn't been able to do what a couple of minutes of aggravating silence in the company of his stoic brother was doing to him.
Tatsuha sighed defeatedly. "Alright, you win." Tatsuha didn't miss the way that Yuki's eyes flickered up to his before quickly going back to reading the book, feigning interest. Tatsuha wasn't fooled.
"It's just not fair." Tatsuha stated in frustration.
The blonde's eyebrow raised. "Life's not fair."
"I know. But this is just so...so..." Tatsuha struggled to find the words. He gave up with a heavy sigh. "I don't know. It's just not right. What did I do to deserve this?"
His brother gave up the pretense of reading the book, golden eyes locked on his brother. "Life's not fair, remember?"
Tatsuha rolled his eyes. "Yes, I heard you the first time." Tatsuha paused, not sure what else to say. It wasn't often that he had these serious talks with Yuki. With as many times as Tatsuha came over here, this was the first real 'talk'. Usually Tatsuha would just make light conversation about trivial things, hoping to get his mind off of Ryuichi Sakuma. But this conversation was turning out to be a little more serious than the previous ones.
"I just don't know what to do." The teen tried to explain, his words slow and awkward. He wasn't used to admitting his emotions to any besides Ryuichi, and even then it was hard. "I love being with him. Plain and simple. He's a million times better, in all aspects of the word, than all of those women I had been with before being with Ryuichi." Tatsuha paused. "I knew what I was getting myself into when we started dating. Even back then he had odd mood swings, but those were nothing compared to the recent ones."
Yuki said nothing, just sat on the couch, watching the younger male vent out his thoughts and anger and hurt.
"I know I can't blame him for everything that has happened. He never remembers any of it. It's like I have to start over with him every time I see him, and each time, I never know exactly what I'm going to be dealing with. Some days it's all smiles, hugs and kisses, then other days it's awkward introductions and uncomfortable conversations. Then the next time I open the door, he could throw something heavy and extremely painful at me."
Tatsuha watched as his brother, still as silent as ever, settled back into the couch, casually lighting a cigarette. It was infuriating that Yuki could be so relaxed while the younger of the two was a mixture of a million conflicting emotions.
Focusing on his anger, Tatsuha continued, voice increasing in volume. "It's just not fair. Why can't it be easy and everyone lives happily ever after?"
"Life's not fair." Yuki repeated, blowing out a lung full of smoke.
Tatsuha wanted to punch him. "I know." He told the older male angrily. He stood up, pacing. "Every day is a battle with him. And he doesn't even know what I go through. It hurts everyday when I have to reintroduce myself to him, or pretend that I don't want to be anything other than friends or have to watch as he walks into his apartment with his arms around some woman."
The teen paused in his pacing. "I always fear that maybe this is it. That he won't ever go back to the sweet, cheerful Ryu-chan, or go back to thinking that he's only my idol. Maybe this will be the last time he ever changes, and he will always stay worse than a stranger to me. That he will always...," Tatsuha's voice became quieter, anger spent and long gone, "..hate me."
"What if Ryuichi needs my help to fight this and here I am thinking that I should just give up? Maybe all he needs is just a little more patience and everything will be fine." Tatsuha paused, slumping down on the couch, his head hurting from the overwhelming emotions. "Sometimes I wish that I had never fallen in love with Ryuichi Sakuma, because at least then I would be able to get on with my life, instead of trying to fix a broken man who will probably never be whole again."
Tatsuha smiled slightly, sadly. "But I guess that's why I haven't left him, right, Aniki?" Knowing his brother wouldn't reply, the teen continued. "Because I love him and I would do anything for him. Even if it means only a few days of happiness once in a while, and a whole lot of hurt the rest of the time."
Unfortunately, that still didn't sound like a very logical plan. If Tatsuha was being logical about it, he would only focus on the hurt, and know that leaving Ryuichi would be for the best action for him.
But Tatsuha loved Ryuichi. And that was all there was to it. Even if there were a million Bad Days, he still loved Ryuichi.
Tatsuha sighed heavily, a hand running through his dark hair. "Life's not fair."
"Now you're getting it."
Tatsuha wanted to punch him.
The next day, with new resolve to make this work, Tatsuha used his key to open the door, peeking his head inside before entering fully.
"Ryuichi?" He called out cautiously. "Are you here?"
A blur of brown, blue and pink was all the warning the teen had before his arms were full of Ryuichi.
Not that he minded.
"Tatsuha!" The singer looked up at the taller male, ocean blue eyes almost sparkling. Tatsuha leaned down to kiss those sweet lips, drowning himself in the familiarity of Ryuichi, cherishing that this was a Good Day. Tatsuha grinned, maybe if he was lucky it would turn into a Very Good Day.
Ryuichi laughed, and poked Tatsuha's nose. "Uh oh, someone's thinking dirty thoughts again."
"How can you be dirty in a bathtub?"
Ryuichi's grin was almost predatory. Tatsuha knew his singer loved to take baths together. "I'll go start the water while you go put Kumagoro in the living room. There's some things that a bunny shouldn't see." Tatsuha laughed as he watched Ryuichi headed for the bathroom.
While he was teasing and flirting with Ryuichi, it was almost easy to forget that he had had to spend last night on his brother's awful couch plagued with nightmares that Ryuichi would leave him forever.
Although it was hard to push that sense of betrayal and hurt away, Tatsuha would never blame Ryuichi for something the singer couldn't control. He loved the man too damn much and wasn't going to give up now.
His brother (the smug bastard) had said it best: Life's not fair.
But Tatsuha was learning to deal with it as best he could.
A/n: I really like this one, even though there wasn't that much Ryuchi/Tatsuha interaction. It was an odd take on Ryuichi's character. I know the man is not that extreme, but I have wanted to try to write something like this for a while now, and I feel it came out better than I thought it would. Poor Tatsuha, I really love to torture him, don't I? Ah, but I love the little fanboy. And just think, there are still a lot more letters to go. At least each "chapter" is complete when posted, instead of waiting for me to get off my lazy butt and update. ;p
Next Chapter: B is for Beer.
-x- LuV -x-