Disclaimer: Rowling is the sole owner of HP although there have been many times where I wish I could take the rights.
I thought concerning the nature of this fanfic I had best put the note up here. No, I don't know why I decided to write this. As you all know I'm more of an angsty writer but for some reason I felt like being sarcastic and this was the best way to do it.
I apologize in anyway if this offends anyone. I know that the ideas below annoy me greatly in Draco/Hermione fanfiction but that doesn't mean at all that there aren't excellent fics written with the concepts below. I just find them cliché and being in a semi-bad mood finally got around to poking fun at them rather than complaining to my muse.
I hope you enjoy it and please do review. Also, for anyone wondering, the authoress is me XD Although I'm sure you all probably figured that out.
Also, please note I only wrote it in about an hour. I didn't intend it to make it as funny as PC but I was having fun and if you don't like it then just don't read it. I'm sure every writer out there has wanted to type something random and not very well written before and this happened to be mine. And if you know of any clichés I missed let me know. I know I didn't add in a Potions lab accident and sending them back into the past but I couldn't fit it in.
It was a gorgeous, bright, sunny, refreshing, beautiful, lovely day. The birds were chirping, twittering, and singly happily outside the window, basking in the warm, inviting, comforting sunshine.
Before the window burst open and a hair dryer was hurled out the window.
Hermione walked back over to her mirror and continued applying the thick black eyeliner. Her hair had been cut short and dyed black with red tips. Heavy metal chains hung all over her clothes; consisting of a tight, leather midnight black and rather short skirt, inky black leather jacket with a scanty coal black tank top. All down her legs ran dark black fishnet and shadow black boots climbed up to just below her knees.
As soon as the deep black lipstick had been applied she picked up her book bag (now a fetching shade of charcoal black) and hurried downstairs to the car so she could leave for Hogwarts and begin her seventh year because in the authoress's world there was never such a thing as a Horcrux and hence no knightly quests for something that didn't exist.
When she arrived at the train station she crashed into Harry and Ron. Both had grown taller and much smexier over the summer. Harry's hair had been spiked up with gel so that it no longer looked so random and his emerald green eyes were shining with warmth. Ron had gotten super tan and his red hair fell angelically against his forehead. And right behind them was a gaggle of fan girls.
"Harry! Ron!" Hermione cried out, running to hug them both. In turn, they both stepped backwards.
"And who are you?" Ron asked.
Hermione burst into tears. "First it was my parents," she wailed. "I found out they were actually Death Eaters and that I wasn't a muggle born anymore! And then they died! And now my two BEST FRIENDS don't even recognize me!"
She pretended to sob pitifully into her hands.
"Oh, Hermione!" Harry said, hugging her tightly. "I promise to avenge them when I kill VOLDEMORT!"
Here, everyone who had been watching (especially the fan girls who were now drooling and staring rabidly at Hermione) burst into applause for the brave hero while Harry bowed and blew kisses.
"And we're sorry for not being there for you!" Ron added, also hugging Hermione and causing the rabid fan girls to growl. "We will not ever leave you alone again!"
All of them got on the train and arrived at Hogwarts. Dumbledore gave a long, boring speech as usual and the feast ended.
"Like, oh my Merlin, Hermione is that you?"
Ginny emerged from the crowd of people leaving the Great Hall and passed by the rabid fan girls without harm (seeing as she'd thrown them pictures of a naked Ron in the shower). Her red hair blazed like a sunset and her perfectly curved body sashayed with every step.
"It is," Hermione said.
"What have you like, done to your like, self?" she asked. "You like, need a makeover!" With a wave of her wand Hermione's appearance changed.
Her hair was once more golden brown but now with a gentle, silky curl that only a model could posses and all of the black make-up disappeared to be replaced with a golden and pink glow of beauty.
"You look amazing, Hermione!" Lavender squealed, exiting the throng of fan girls with her picture of Ron tucked in her robes.
"I can't believe it…you look pretty!" Parvati exclaimed squishing her in a hug.
Before the girly moment could continue Dumbledore called over the din. "Will the Headboy and Girl please come up to the front?"
Hermione made her way up and wasn't at all surprised to see Draco. He too had grown taller and sexier over the summer and she felt her heart give off an abnormal beat. Merlin was he hot!
"I know you two have had bad relations in the past," Dumbledore began, "but-"
Hermione tuned him out, gazing into Draco's captivating silver eyes. For his own part, Draco was eyeing Hermione up and down and admiring her newly found beauty since the sixth book.
As the two walked down the hall to their new quarters Draco said, "Don't think that now that you're sexy changes anything, Mudblood."
"For your information," she said angrily, "I'm not a Mudblood. I'm actually a Pureblood like you since I found out my parents were Death Eaters this summer!"
Immediately dark, foreboding music began to play.
He gasped. "I found out my father was a Death Eater this summer too!"
"You liar!" Hermione yelled, trying to get the pitch of Harry's voice from the first movie that she'd rented just right. "You're a Death Eater too! Don't deny it!"
Draco gasped and shook his head. "I could never become a Death Eater! I love all life!"
As he spoke a bunny rabbit came racing down the hall from a plot hole the authoress had inserted into the far wall and he scooped it up and hugged it. "See?"
The music stopped it's evil tune and went into something one would find on a child's television show.
"Then why have you always mad fun of me?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know! Please forgive me, Hermione!"
The music changed again, this time to a pleading, hopeful tune.
"WILL SOMEONE STOP THE BLASTED MUSIC?" Hermione screamed, shooting out a spell towards the CD player that was magically (pun intended) playing inside of Hogwarts.
"Da da dun dunnnn da da da dun dunnnnnnnn da da da daa dun dunnnnnn da da da dunnn" came the Star Wars theme song.
Throwing another curse at it Hermione grimaced as Barney's 'I love you, you love me,' began. Draco stared up at her with puppy eyes. When it got to the line 'and a kiss from me to you' Hermione ran screaming into the common room.
To spare everyone reading more of the pointless authoress's ramblings, the room was designed as every other one that had ever been described. Half red, half green with a huge luxury bathroom in the middle that was a perfect way for Draco to walk in on Hermione taking a shower.
As soon as Hermione had sat down on her bed Ginny, Lavender and Parvati appeared through a plot hole in the ceiling (courtesy of the authoress) and fell into the room.
"Who wants to paint their nails!" Lavender cried, reaching behind her back and coming out with a full two ton container filled with every color nail polish imaginable (said authoress sneakily stole the hot pink one and vanished) except for some reason a bright hot pink one.
"I have a great idea!" Parvati said as she flipped through a magazine. "Let's play Truth or Dare!"
"Ooh, let's!" Ginny squealed. All four girls gathered in a circle on Hermione's bed. "I'll go first! Hermione, like, truth or dare?"
Because if Hermione said truth it would be boring and ruin the plot idea the authoress had Hermione said, "Dare."
Ginny giggled. "Then I like, dare you to go seduce Draco."
Hermione blushed. "I don't think I can…"
"Aww, you can do it Hermione!" Parvati cheered.
So, Hermione found herself going into the common room a minute later and approaching Draco.
But it appeared that the bunny Draco had held had in fact been a Curse Rabbit and it had altered his memories so as far as he was aware he had never found out about Hermione's new lineage.
The sexy Slytherin was sitting statue-like slurping on a smoothie staring at a snake slithering-- Hehe, too many ssssssssssss's.
The Sexy Slytherin was lounging on the couch and reading Parenting Class by IcyPanther when Hermione sidled up.
"Draco," she purred in his ear, her hands lighting on his for some reason bare chest (his robes and shirt vanished with another plot hole).
Unfortunately (well, fortunately depending on your point of view) Draco had just read the part where Hermione had become a 'breakfast monster' (See PC. Chap. 10. Line. About the middle of the chapter for further details.) and when he saw her looming over him he vividly saw pancake, fruit and orange juice dripping down her.
Screaming, mind you it wasn't a girly scream but a manly scream of terror, Draco grabbed his wand and fired off a spell.
A few minutes later both found themselves in the Headmaster's office, Hermione wearing a very torn robe that covered just the right places and Draco with a slap mark across his cheek.
"I'm very disappointed," Dumbledore said, shaking his head sadly. "I had hoped you two could put your differences aside to govern Hogwarts as it should be run. Alas, I'll have to use… this!"
"Not that!" Hermione cried, slapping Draco again as he tried to shift her robes.
Dumbledore cackled and raised 'it' above his head. "Yes, this! The Chain of Binding!" Before either of the soon to be lovers could move, Dumbledore had snapped a cuff on each of their wrist's. "I will not remove this chain until you two are able to get along."
"But…but…" Hermione said, gazing at the meager three feet separating her and the sexy Slytherin. "How do we shower?"
Dumbledore shrugged. "I'm afraid you'll have to figure that out on your own. Good night, Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy."
For the purpose of speeding the story along, a swirling vortex plot hole opened in the floor and Hermione and Draco were transported back to their common room, now empty of any giggling girls.
"I'm going to bed," Draco announced, pulling Hermione along to his room.
"I want to go to my bed!" Hermione said, tugging in the direction of her room.
"We're sleeping in my room!"
"This is pointless."
"I don't care!"
"I'm not sleeping with you!"
Draco pouted. "No girl has ever said that to me before."
"Then I'll be the first! I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU!"
"…You said it to me twice."
In order to preserve Draco's sanity at being shot down twice, the authoress stupefied Hermione and allowed Draco to drag her to his rooms where she made certain everyone's favorite Slytherin didn't do anything to Hermione.
When morning came the real trouble started.
"I need to take a shower!" Hermione cried, running but not moving towards the shower while Draco leaned idly against the doorframe and held tightly onto the chain. "Let go!"
"I need a shower too and we don't have much time. I'll take one and you wait.
When neither made any move to come to an agreement the authoress took things into her own hands. Giving the pair a push she watched in satisfaction as they both feel into the super large swimming pool sized bathtub.
Again as neither moved the authoress took things into her own hands and stripped away all clothes and then attempted to dive into the pool next to Draco. Somehow though, the rabid fan girls had managed to enter the bathroom as well and dragged said authoress away.
Hermione and Draco arrived at the Great Hall together but now with a mutual understanding. The month's passed and Draco and Hermione continued to fall in love.
Then, the Christmas ball that never happened in any of the books but always happened in fanfics well, happened.
"Hermione?" Draco asked, lying in bed with her one night, the chain wrapped around their wrists. Dumbledore had offered to take it off but Draco had smirked and said he rather enjoyed it. "Will you go to the ball with me?"
Her eyes sparkled. "Yes, Draco, yes! Of course I'll marry you!"
Without bothering to point out that wasn't what he asked Draco pulled her with him under the covers and the scene changed quickly so that the story would remain a rating of K plus and lower.
The day of the ball quickly arrived. Description of the boys wasn't necessary since they all of course where muggle tuxedos but all of the girls were dressed in stunning ball gowns. Hermione's was a strapless deep, crimson red with gold glitter thrown all down the bottom of the flowing bottom. A red rose was tucked into her hair that cascaded down her back like a golden waterfall. Her shoes were stolen from the Wizard of Oz set and sparkled under the glow of the candles all around the hall.
As they were dancing (Draco's hand slipping lower and lower down Hermione's back and Harry and Ron too busy with the rabid fan girls to notice) the hall suddenly darkened and Jaws music began to play.
In every corner Death Eaters started appearing and began to attack.
Draco jumped in front of Hermione and pulled out his wand as a Death Eater with shining silvery blond hair approached.
"Draco, move!" Lucius commanded.
"No! I won't let you kill my love!"
"Are you aware that your 'love' is a Mudblood?"
Draco gasped and looked at Hermione. "Are you really?" She gave a feeble nod. Turing back to Lucius he said, "It does not matter what her lineage is since I love her!"
"Then you die! Avada Kedavra!"
Right before the deathly curse hit Draco a giant, blue bubble surrounded him and Hermione.
"I've heard of this bubble," Hermione whispered, clutching Draco's now wrinkled jacket as Lucius pounded on it with his fists. "It's a substance created by authoresses who have favorite characters and don't want them to die. Although if I remember reading correctly a purple haired demon escaped the bubble and was killed."
"Our love cannot be overcome!" Draco cried. "Come, my love. Let us leave this place!" The bubble carried them away (along with Neville, Seamus, Snape, and McGonagall) from Hogwarts which was later saved anyway by a squad of aurors.
Years later they were married happily, and taught at Hogwarts (Draco at Potions and Hermione at Transfiguration) and they lived happy, normal lives.
However, during dinner one evening grape juice was served instead of pumpkin juice (how the grape juice got there no one will ever know… although many think it was the rabbit) to Hermione and Draco.
But that's another story.