Author: charmingsyrai aka syrai
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Prompt: #34 broken for 50darkfics at livejournal.
Rating: PG-13(? someone tell me, dammit)
Warnings: bad language
Word count: about 965
Summary: Inside her mind, it's a fucking jungle. Faith after the events of 'Who are you'
EXPLANATION: Ohkay, so, figured I could explain a few things just so that the readers aren't totally confused. This fic is part of Envenom series - Envenom is a series of mine that deals with the actual characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer from season 1 to 7 and beyond, but in addition to that, it includes a bunch of original characters. Every part of the series will be posted as a new chapter instead of separate fictions. Since we have 100 prompts to use, which means every fic has to at least suggest the said prompt, the chapters will be named after the prompts instead of the fic titles.
The whole series got started as a challenge by saint's hands (user id: 371583) when she asked me to write 50 dark buffy related fics for 50 darkfics at livejournal . com with her... we're aiming for 100 ficcies here.So, Envenom is very closely connected to her 'Turning blue' series (which can be found from her livejournal where she goes by as lilhobbit or here in ff net as saint's hands (user id: 371583) as both of the series take place in the same buffyverse. This buffyverse, however, is slightly different from the real buffyverse of the show and so some slight changes and modifications are there to be seen. (Read lilhobbit's 'Prologue aka 'punishment'' and it'll be clear to you, I'm sure) The events that take place in her ficcies do have some influence on the events taking place in mine,so it would be best to read her lil series too.
So, every fic in Envenom series is connected to each other (and to 'Turning Blue') and the story continues prompt by prompt - meaning that this fic's plotline will be continued in another prompt, but the fics are posted in the order they were written - you just have to use your brain a little to figure out the right order, is all. The right timeline can, as said, be found in our journals' memories if you're interested.
Inside her mind, it's a fucking jungle.
She doesn't know what to make of it, which thought to grab, which to abandon. It's a jungle of messy, random thoughts that circle around her mind keeping her awake even when she'd like to close her eyes and sleep for an hour or two.
Did she really do all those things?
What the fuck was she thinking?
Why did you go back? She doesn't know.
Why didn't you get on that fucking plane and leave? She can't answer that.
Get over it, she tells herself.
Get over it.
But she can't and she can't understand why.
She sits in the corner of the dark carriage, back against the wall, holding her stomach and trying to block the smell of hay out of her nostrils. She breaths in and flinches as the pain stabs her side again reminding of its existence. She's pretty sure couple of her ribs are broken, but she's confident they'll heal soon, so no biggie. Being a vampire slayer does have it's advantages and it's not like she's never been worse, so. The creepy smile meets her lips as she remembers all the times she's been beaten into the kind of condition that it's been hard for some to tell if she was a girl or a thing. Things could be worse. She could've been stabbed. As if that has never happened before.
She snorts, which doesn't turn out to be such a smart thing to do. The pain stabs again and she has to stop breathing for a moment to make it go away.
It hurts, it always hurts after a fight like that but now it's different. She's not sure why, though, but it is and she hates it. Maybe because this time even her mind is screaming, yelling, yelping… suffering. Usually she feels the excitement of a good fight pumping through her veins, but now… She's lost everything, hasn't she? There's nothing left… her stomach makes a noise.
Yet, in spite of the pain, hunger pushes through. Not that she hasn't gotten used to going without food for days, but it doesn't mean she likes it. She doesn't like feeling the hunger. It reminds her of past things; memories she doesn't want to have.
She remembers now.
Fuck the hunger, you're better than that, stronger than that, she thinks to herself suddenly. Everything seems so meaningless somehow now that she's alone again. Seriously, hunger; it should be the last of her problems at the moment. Being hunted by a fucking council of watchers trying to put her out of her misery as they see it and the cops tailing her… that should be her priority. Still, it isn't.
Partly because she's hungry, sure, but mostly because she doesn't know what to do with herself now.
The pained, cynical laugh bubbles in her throat. It's just so fucking typical. She had someone who looked after her, who fed her and made sure she was being treated right. It didn't matter why he did, only that he did. He gave her these beautiful presents and he looked at her as if she was something more than just a girl, as if she was a true warrior. And right there and then, her life had a meaning. It was never about good and evil, it was never about sides. Frankly, she didn't give a fuck on whose side she was. As long as she was accepted, respected, cared for…
As long as she was on someone's side and someone on hers, you know? She misses that.
Faith, she blames B.
For a moment, she wasn't sure. She felt lost. But now, after thinking about it some more, it's all much clearer again.
She blames her, oh yes, she does.
Without Buffy, she wouldn't be here right now. No, no, she wouldn't. Without B, she wouldn't have been put into coma only to wake up months later to a new kind of world. Without B, she wouldn't have been humiliated by Angel and his stupid little slayer. Without B, hell, she wouldn't even be a slayer. If she hadn't gone and died and woken up Kendra… and gotten her killed too, she wouldn't be here. So, long story short, it's all on B's shoulders.
Why is she the only one who can see that?
She tries to relax her muscles to keep the pain subsided, but it's not really working.
Faith can't help but think that even though it's all technically B's fault and that she should be punished, she's still kind of glad. Glad that she got her powers. She actually likes being a slayer. So, she's not the slayer, but she's something else. The rogue one, the bad one. The different one, the rebellious one, the fucking hot one. She likes it, because it makes her different.
B could never understand that. No, to B being a - the slayer is a curse. Stupid little fuck. What does she know about life anyway? She's got a mom, a gang of friends, a father-figure… fuck, she's even got a father. That's how it's always been with her and Faith feels the familiar twinge of jealousy cutting her insides. She's got everything and everyone. B, she can make mistakes but she's always forgiven because they love her.
It's all because they fucking love her.
Well, screw them. Faith knows what she wants. A cheeseburger, to begin with and revenge after that. Best served cold, right? A cool dessert to go with the burger. The slayer will go down; she will make sure of it.
They say payback is a bitch and Faith, she's always believed in it. The time will come, eventually, and until that, she'll just do what she does best.
Want. Take. Have.