NOTE: I have revised the first chapter.
It was raining.
It was early in the morning. Something around five in the morning, but it was like night. Grey and white clouds had covered the clean sky; making it look sad and swollen. Drops of rain were hitting the window; making a soft noise, then falling on the cold and hard floor, and it was exactly how Ryuichi was feeling.
He had hit the cold ground.
If it was any other day in his past, he would have enjoyed this morning very much. He loved sad days. He loved the heartbreaking atmosphere in the sky. It was so quiet, so peaceful and he loved the silence. No sound of sirens no sound of sick people crying. It was just the sound of his heart beat and the sound of the falling rain, but that morning, he hated it.
It reminded him of Tatsuha.
'I'm so sorry sir. We…we don't exactly know what happened. We just saw him going straight in the mansion, and…and the mansion exploded.'
It took some time; it took sometime for him to believe the news, but it still felt so unreal, so fake. Tatsuha couldn't. He just couldn't go and leaved him like this. It wasn't fair.
'We tried to help him. We really did.'
His legs were feeling numb since he hadn't used them for more than five hours now, and his forehead was feeling cold because it was pressed to the big window in front of him, but he couldn't bring himself to care about his body. Somehow, he felt like nothing mattered any more.
'The car was burning.'
Tears started to run on his pale cheeks for the umpteenth time that day. The pain had clutched his heart and it didn't leave him alone. He felt like he couldn't breathe any more. The grief was too much for him to handle, and he found himself more and more willing to cry his eyes out again.
No matter how much he tried to forget Tatsuha's face, the memories rushed back in front of his eyes. He remembered Tatsuha's voice, his face, his eyes, his body and his playfulness and it all made it so much harder for him to bear.
"We couldn't open the doors. They were all burnt."
His hands clutched Tatsuha's blue scarf on his lap, something police had found around the mansion before…before Tatsuha killed himself and it was all he needed to start to weep freely.
'We saw the boy…burning. He was clutching the window. He was screaming help, but we couldn't take him out of the car. He was really…burning.'
Ryuichi thought about the pain Tatsuha had gone through; burning in the car. Poor Tatsuha; Even his death was painful. He didn't deserve it. He really didn't.
"It took some minutes for him to…die…"
He cried and cried, but he didn't feel better at all. He couldn't imagine a world without Tatsuha, and the more he thought about it, the more fake it sounded. It couldn't be real. Tatsuha couldn't be dead.
He had to be there, making some nasty jokes about Ryuichi's awkward position on the floor; laughing at his pathetic form, but he wasn't. He wasn't and Ryuichi couldn't see him anymore.
"And in the early morning light, after a silent, peaceful night, you took my heart away, and I grieve."
These were the words he mumbled under his breath.
It was still raining and He already missed him.
His heartbreaking weeps filled his dark office. He heard the door open and stopped his crying. He didn't need to look up to see who had stepped inside. He knew that it was Yuki.
"Are you all right?"
Ryuichi tried to laugh. Yuki was the one who had broke his head. He was the one who had fought in the mafia's mansion. He was the one whose friend was in the CCU, his brain not working anymore. K Winchester was just a body without a brain now. Yuki was the one whose lover's almost lifeless form was on the white hospital bed, his heart barely beating, and he was asking him he if he was alright. He tried to laugh, but only more tears ran on his cheeks.
Yuki sat next to him and stared at the rainy sky. The sky was lighter than before, but it still looked sad. No cars were passing by. Nothing was moving. It was just them, the wet and empty street and their endless grieve.
"They say he suffered a lot. They say he screamed for help. Does it hurt really much when you are burning?"
He felt hopeless when Yuki circled his hand around his shoulders. It meant that the answer was yes. It meant that he had suffered a lot. They had all seen him burning. They had heard his screams, and what hurt more than anything was that…
He had been screaming his name. Ryuichi help…Ryuichi help me…
"I couldn't help him. I couldn't help him when he needed me the most."
"You couldn't do anything Ryuichi. They say the car had burnt. He didn't suffer…much…The explosion made him…"
He put his head on Yuki's shoulder and started to cry again. He knew that Tatsuh'a burning face was going to be his nightmare until the last day of his life. Looking at Yuki from the corner of his eyes, he saw no reaction. He knew why Yuki was doing this. He was masking his feelings. He was masking his pains. He was becoming the Yuki he had become after Howard's death.
And for the first time, Ryuichi didn't blame him.
"How is Shuichi?"
"They say he's going to die. His life is dependant on the machine right now."
"You have to rest. The blow on your head has been nasty."
"I don't care any more."
The silence filled the room, and they both stared at the street ahead of them. It was still empty, and it was raining harder. It seemed like the sky was crying with them too. What did faith do to them? Why did everything suddenly go wrong?
"I miss Tatsuha."
"I…miss him too and…and I miss Shuichi."
Yuki hugged his knees and put his head on them. It felt so wrong. It felt so wrong to lose Tatsuha. It was like yesterday when they used to play together in the garden; laughing at the stupid things; making fun of their father's bald head and annoying Mika. It was just like yesterday when Tatsuha confessed to him that he liked Ryuichi with a burning face. It was just like yesterday when Yuki told him that if he jumped, he was going to jump too…and now he was gone, leaving him alone in a world so full of pain.
And Shuichi…no, he couldn't bring himself to believe that he was dying too. It was just too much. How could he lose them in a blink of an eye? He couldn't tolerate it anymore.
His eyes were stinging but he refused to cry. He was done with crying. If life wanted to be so cruel to him, then let it be. He wasn't going to care anymore. He just didn't feel anything anymore. He didn't want to feel the pain. He didn't want to feel the love either. He just wanted to rip his heart apart so nobody could break it anymore.
"Professor Mitchell said that heart transplantation might help him."
Ryuichi eyed Yuki suspiciously. Something felt wrong with the way he said it.
"What do you mean?"
Yuki opened his now wet eyes and stared right in front of him. He knew that he was doing the right thing. He didn't want to fight any more. He felt so lonely. He felt so useless…
"I want to give my heart to him."
The room went awfully silent. Now, only the sound of the harsh thunders could be heard, along with the sound of wind, slapping the windows mercilessly, making them shake.
"You can't do that!"
Ryuichi finally broke the silence with a shocked scream. What had he done wrong? What had he done to deserve all these pains?
Yuki didn't look at Ryuichi. He was afraid to see the familiar pained expression on Ryuichi's face, and he knew that he couldn't bear seeing him like that. Ryuichi was tolerating so much already, but he didn't have any other choice.
"Yuki…don't leave me alone."
Ryuichi's voice was full of pain and desperation and Yuki found himself closing his eyes and biting his lower lip hard. He didn't want to leave Ryuichi. He still remembered Tatsuha's phone call. He could still remember the words he had told him yesterday on the phone.
"Take care of him okay? He's so…so sensitive…and…and…tell him that I really, really loved him."
He did want to grant Tatsuha's…last wish. He did want to take care of Ryuichi, because he knew what Ryuichi was going through. He knew how much Ryuichi was putting up with…
"I'm sorry; I need to speak with Professor Eiri Yuki. It's very important."
Yuki quickly stood up and looked at the officer at the door. He looked upset, and he had to. Their Colonel was dying on the bed and there was nothing those poor people could do.
"I'll be out in a minute."
The officer quietly left Ryuichi's office; giving Yuki as much time as he needed.
Before Yuki could go out, Ryuichi grasped his hand tightly, not letting him move. He still didn't look at Ryuichi's face. He couldn't trust himself any more because he was at the verge of crying. He was hurting as much as Ryuichi was hurting. Maybe he was hurting much more.
"Please Yuki…don't do this to me? Why are you acting like…like Tatsuha. You just want me to suffer till death!"
"I don't want you to suffer!"
"Then why are you doing this? Why do you want to kill yourself?"
Yuki freed his hand and whipped around, finally seeing Ryuichi's eyes which were full of sorrow and fear, but he was feeling much worse.
"Why are you going to give up?"
"I'm not giving up."
"Then why are you doing this?"
"Because of Shuichi!"
He finally said it. He said the words he really meant. He didn't want to see Shuichi die. He didn't want to lose him. He wanted Shuichi to explore the worlds. He wanted him to feel love. He wanted to give him the life he deserved, and he was going to do it even if it meant giving his own heart to him.
He didn't mind at all when Ryuichi hugged him because he badly needed it, and he didn't answer when Ryuichi told him that he was sorry for being sorry; for thinking that he was suffering too. He just closed his eyes and put his head on Ryuichi's shoulders. He reminded him of Shuichi and how he was always warm and cozy.
He didn't look back as he left the office. He didn't need to look back, because he knew that Ryuichi understood why Yuki was going to do it. It was the game of life and they were all pawns.
But he saw Tatsuha's favorite blue scarf lying innocently on the cold floor and it broke his heart all over again.
"Sorry Professor Yuki, what I am going to say concerns Colonel Winchester. We, his coworkers and friends, thought about it and we think that we are doing the right thing. Will you listen to me?"
"I'm all ears."
Life was not easy. He had tasted the difficulty, the harshness and the boldness of life a long time ago.
He didn't remember anymore what it felt like to be a child .Those days that he had spent on having fun, free from responsibilities and problems were long forgotten.
He felt like he had lived for so long that now he was an old man.
Trapped in a white, lifeless room, he tried to think about the happy moments of his life but he remembered nothing but blood, pain, lies, rejection, tears and cries of agony.
Professor Mitchell said that he could cure his heart but could he cure the pain that he was feeling inside? Who could cure his wounded heart from inside? Where was Yuki?
A soft whimper escaped from his lips. His room was quiet, too quiet. He could hear his heart beat. It was getting slower and slower but it didn't matter.
No, it didn't matter anymore that he was all alone in this heart breaking pain. It didn't matter anymore because he had learned that he shouldn't have cared in the first place and now he didn't care anymore. He didn't care that he was dying inside .The pain was too much. It was eating him from inside and Yuki wasn't there to ease his pain.
The desire to scream and cry was killing him but he didn't scream. He didn't cry either. The past night in this lifeless room, he had stopped him self from crying. Today was no different. The same coldness was around him, making its way inside his heart.
Shivering, he whimpered one more time.
Eyes burning with unwelcome tears he stared at the white ceiling. He wanted to sit. He wanted to move, to jump, to run, to laugh...He wanted to see Yuki one more time. He wanted to kiss him one last time, but he couldn't.
Here, he was trapped. He even couldn't breath on his own.
Those unwelcome tears ran down on his pale cheeks and made his face wet. He could taste the salty water on his dry lips.
He just hoped that all of these were some kind of a nightmare. He just hoped that one he would wake up and laugh at the silly bad dream.
But when he closed his tired eyes, he knew that his hope was nothing but a silly wish and he realized that no matter how much he told himself other wise, the truth was that he badly cared.
Where was Yuki when he needed him the most?
He missed him so much.
He saw a nurse coming in, and instantly remembered her. It was Nurse O'Hara. He felt thankful when she injected something in his hand and he felt himself going in the very familiar darkness, except that this time, he was almost sure that he was never going to come back.
Ryuichi stared at the white, blank wall in front of him and sighed. After all that crying and anger, now he was feeling beautifully numb. His mind had shut down from all the pain and he didn't know what to think. Yuki was going to do it. He really was going to do it, and there was nothing he could do to stop him.
The door slowly opened and revealed Yuki all in white. He was paler than before and his head was bandaged, but he looked as determined as ever. It meant that nobody could change his mind now. Ryuichi knew what Yuki was going through. He knew how sad he was, but he also knew that it was the only choice left for them. They simply had to do it.
"Are you ready Doctor Yuki?"
Yuki didn't look at Doctor Butler's face. He just nodded his head and stared at the green door at his left. Never before, that room had meant so much for him until now. Ryuichi hugged him for the second time that day and Yuki heard him chocking back his sobs. He let him hug his as long as he wanted and then let go.
He saw Tohma from the corner of his eyes and saw him nodding his head. He saw Mika too. She wasn't looking at him though. Her eyes were full of tears; probably because she missed Tatsuha too. The sentence "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." Meant so much too him now.
As he stepped into the room, he smelled the familiar scent of death. It was lingering every where, making his nose and making him shiver. This time it was too much to bear.
And in the corner of the green room, on the lonely green covered bed was Shuichi, with his eyes close and the mask of pain covering his pale face. With shaky legs, he went toward Shuichi and looked at him. They had to inject him strong sedatives to make him cope with the pain. Just how much pain Shuichi was going through now?
He bent down and whispered in Shuichi's ear.
"I won't let death take you away. Don't hate me for what I'm about to do."
Planting a wet kiss on the boy's cheek, he stood straight as the nurses and Doctor Butler came in the room. This was it. He was going to do the unthinkable…
"Are you ready Professor Yuki?"
Yuki only nodded his head and for the first time after a long time, he prayed.
He was bleeding. His shoulder was hurting like hell, but he didn't care. It was important that he had found him and he wasn't happy at all to hear that he was still alive. He deserved to die for what he had done to him. They had killed his boss. They had destroyed everything he had worked so hard to get, and he was going to make sure they paid for that.
"So a heart transplantation?"
"Yes, I believe it was yesterday."
"Is he awake now?"
"No sir! There's just fifty percent chance for him to ever wake up. It was a great risk, but Doctor Butler accepted it any way. The poor boy is very young."
"Who gave him the heart?"
"I don't know sir. I'm new here. I just now that he was pretty famous. They say it's a pity they've lost him."
"Was he blonde?"
"I don't know…yes I think. He was blonde."
As Robert left the hospital, he told himself that at last he was happy that he was gone. He deserved to die for what he had done to him. His shoulder was still aching after two fucking days and Shuichi…
He was going to pay for what he did…
If he ever woke up…
Four weeks later,
Yuki sighed as he looked at the pages of the old album on his lap. It was like years ago when he was young and in high school. He still remembered those days. He remembered what a pervert K was, and how much he loved to flirt with women. He still remembered the first time they kissed. It was out of pure curiosity, but both of them enjoyed it very much. It brought them closer.
Yuki smiled sadly.
For two weeks, he felt like a murderer. He felt like he had killed his best friend in order to save Shuichi. He knew that K would never wake up. He would stay a body without a brain until his heart stopped beating, but still, when he took his heart out of his body, he felt like he had killed his best friend.
"Yuki, his heart will beat in Shuichi's body. He'll never be gone. I'm sure he's happy that you did it."
Good old Ryuichi. Despite the fact that he was going through so much pain himself, he was always there for him in the past month, telling him that every thing was going to be all right. That Shuichi was going to wake up and he just had to be patient, but he couldn't help it…
He was losing his hope. Mike wanted to take him to England with herself and Tohma, telling him that he needed to get away from all this. He needed to clear his mind.
Part of him wanted to go, part of him wanted to forget everything and start anew, but part of him couldn't. A part of him didn't want to leave Shuichi after all that had happened. Shuichi had become a part of him now. It was painful to leave the boy in this lonely hospital when he knew that if Shuichi ever woke up, there was nobody but Hiro to be there for him, and what could Hiro do for Shuichi?
"Why are you in my office?"
"Because I felt like being here."
Ryuichi sat next to Yuki and stared at the old pictures. It was funny how young and high spirited Yuki looked. When was the last time Yuki had smiled? He had gone through so much. He did deserve some happiness and unfortunately, the only person who could give it to him was on the hospital bed, peacefully sleeping.
"Is that K next to you in that picture?"
Ryuichi didn't receive any answers, not that he was expecting one. Every body was used to Yuki and his behavior and it was odd to say that every body loved him for that.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Going to London."
Silence filled the room as Ryuichi stared at the street below them. Finally, winter was leaving, giving its place to the spring, but Ryuichi wasn't happy about it. Tatsuha loved winter, and Ryuichi loved whatever Tatsuha loved. Now that he was gone, he could remember every single word Tatsuha had told him. He could remember every single memory. Now he knew, what Yuki meant when he said that Howard was always alive in his heart.
"If you want to go, you have to hurry up. The plane that Tohma is taking will depart at eleven in the afternoon, which means that you have one hour left to decide. Maybe you really should go. I guess it's the best choice Yuki."
Yuki stood up and went toward the door without saying a single word. He had made up his mind. He needed to go, he had to go o else he would go crazy. The pain of loneliness was getting too much to bear, and he couldn't bear it when Shuichi was so near to him, yet so far away. He just had to get away from all these memories.
"Where are you going?"
"I want to say goodbye to Shuichi."
The room was silent as usual as Yuki stepped inside. It was only the soft sound of Shuichi's breathing and nothing else. Yuki didn't turn on the light. He could say goodbye easier when it was dark. That way, he didn't have to look at Shuichi's peaceful face and feel guilty.
Standing next to Shuichi's bed, he told himself that he was there to say what he wanted to say along time ago. He was there to pour his heart out. Shuichi had to know the truth.
"Shuichi…I finally decided. I'm going to leave."
Placing a small doll, next to Shuichi's head, he smiled as he looked at the face of the doll. The doll held so many memories, and Yuki knew how much Shuichi loved him. It was his first doll.
"I brought it here to keep your company. Do you remember it? That woman gave it to you in the hospital. It was when we really kissed."
Caressing Shuichi's small lips he whispered.
"And it really felt good; my best kiss ever."
He bent down and planted a small kiss on Shuichi's warm lips. It still felt good. It still felt so sweet.
"Do you know why? It's because you were so innocent. I have a thing for innocent boys like you. It's just the gravity of innocence."
"I'm going to miss you."
Yuki wanted to leave, he was going to miss the plane, but he knew he couldn't until he said those words. Until he said the words he hadn't said for so long. It was hard, but he was going to say the sentence; the sentence he had to say a long time ago.
He bent down once again and slowly whispered.
"I love you."
.Closing his eyes, he kissed Shuichi one more time. This time the kiss was longer; more passionate. He wanted to savor its taste. He wanted to savor its feeling. He was going to live the rest of live with its memory.
When he opened his eyes, shiny, purple eyes were staring back at his golden eyes, wit an emotion of feelings.
The voice was barely above a whisper, but Yuki heard it.
"Do you really love me?"
No words were needed to be told. The eyes were telling each other everything.
And the story is finished. I hope you don't review and write "What a piece of crap!" or "What a horrible ending!" or maybe "God damn you S.P! I just wasted my time reading your story!"
Seriously, guys please review and tell me what you think of the story. It means so much for me. I want to now my flaws; the good points and bad points of the story. I don't want to make the same mistakes in my future stories.
I really, really, really thank you guys for supporting me. I once again repeat that if I've written this siht, it's because of your help. Thank you, thank you and thank you.
I'm thinking about a sequel…give me some ideas.
Thank you again everybody. And a special thank to Nameless star for making me write and continue this story. Please forgive my grammatical mistakes. It was my first story in English, and I hope you understand that it's difficult to write and describe your feelings when you're writing in another language.
See you soon.