This is absolutely not my fault... Really. I promise.

It's all crack, so canon is nonexistant, kthnxbai.

I don't own Naruto


An Introduction to High School

Ah, high school. It can mean so many things to so many people. Really! Honest to god, not one person can agree on what high school really is.

If you ask one of the gothtards- I mean, dark, mysterious teenagers, they'll say it was a spiraling black abyss of death that made them want to carve bad song lyrics into their souls. Also, it would probably send them on a tirade about gym class and cup sizes, and going to Senior Prom but hey; no one really cares.

If you ask one of the nerds, they'll probably go on and on about how many computer programs they learned, or how many times they were Dungeon Master during the three years they spend in high school – after all, who doesn't write that down? Of course, that leads to rants about dice and rolling and the stats of their 2,000 different characters. Yawn.

Moving on; if you ask a jock, it's not very likely that you'll get any sort of intelligent response at all. Probably something along the lines of 'there were so many head injuries, high school is just a blur of football games and hospitals'. Or if you catch one of the ones that ended up sweeping the floor at the nearest gas station, they'll whine and gripe about how they didn't do any school work. God, they're even more boring than the gothy-freaks.

Now, if you ask one of the cheerleaders… Oh boy, you'll never hear the end of it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You'll hear all about her sex life and her school life and all the cool little things she did. Walking for Cancer, Running for Poverty, Ice Skating for Pneumonia; the list will go on and on until you want to bash either her head or your own into the nearest solid object and not stop until there's a bloody smear of bone and brains. Long winded brats.

Why am I telling you this? Well, some might say there isn't a point, and some would be almost right. This has been explaining the social classes of high school. Of course, there are more, but the others aren't blazing stereotypes and therefore weren't included.

If you were to say now, 'why, dear author, way to think ahead! I believe I am fully prepared for what's coming next now!' I would very much have to respond with something along the lines of 'no, you brain dead idiot who I love very much for reading this! You are not prepared!'

And why?

Because, this high school story, unlike the myriad of others littering this particular section of the internet, is not about Naruto or Sasuke. GASP. Take a moment to let that sink in. Not. About. Naruto. Or. Sasuke. That means no 12-year-old boy sex for you. None! You are being taken off of your daily dose of Naru/Sasu-wai-wai-chan KAWAII ness.

This story is about a little group called Akatsuki. Who just happens to fit into that last group we talked about a few paragraphs back. Do you remember? Go ahead and scroll up if you blocked it out.

….

Yes. That's why you weren't prepared.

Drama! Angst! And Nail Polish!

Uchiha Itachi was curled in his bed, sleeping peacefully as the night slowly became morning. His pajamas were bright pink, and his hair was up in pigtails, a happy little smile on his face as he enjoyed whatever deranged dream was prancing about in his mind.

Usually, Itachi wasn't one to smile. In fact, one might go so far as to say that Itachi had no facial expressions. Even when cheering on the team, he was decidedly uninterested, though he did the movements fabulously. Still, somehow his facial muscles had bucked up the courage the unite and smile. Too bad that smile only lasted for about a minute, as the alarm clock next to his bed suddenly went off as the numbers displayed '5:31'.

Itachi liked to wake up to a prime number.

A pale hand darted out from the covers, slamming on the black button atop the alarm clock before a head emerged, sleepy eyes staring at the numbers on the clock. He seemed content to stare for a while, before something clicked in his mind and he immediately perked up; first day of school.

The eldest, and by-far more perfect, Uchiha sibling stood up and pulled his hair down out of the pigtails he always slept in, shaking his hair out before going over to his closet and grabbing the clothes he picked out last night, looking over it thoughtfully before throwing it onto his bed and digging in the closet until he found a whole new outfit for the day.

Seriously, what the hell had he been thinking yesterday, picking out that trash? He sent a glare towards the pile on the bed. Maybe he'd gotten high with Kisame yesterday. Again. Hopefully.

Still, he wasn't about to let one lousy fashion moment ruin his first day returning to the beloved Konoha High School for Gifted Children and/or Children Who Have Been Kicked Out of Every Other School; KHSGCCWHBKOEOS for short, though many just called it Konoha.

The teen hopped into the shower, immediately turning on the hot water and going through the task of washing his body of the grime it had collected over the night. He got out as soon as he could, hoping there would be enough time to style his hair before leaving for school today; he didn't want to look a hot mess in front of his friends.

So he got out, brushed his teeth, blow dried his hair, powdered his nose, got dressed, and pranced downstairs, a shimmering embodiment of perfection clothed in AmberZombie and Lich. Itachi didn't smile however; didn't seem to even notice. In fact, he merely grabbed his backpack and slipped on his shoes.

"Foolish Little Brother, get your ass down here," he called up the stairs, getting a heated 'I hate your fucking guts' back from his sweet little angel of a brother. Itachi would've rolled his eyes, if facial expressions were his thing, but he merely looked up the stairs. "Get down here."

Sasuke gloomily tromped down the stairs, an almost tangible cloud of ANGST and MISUNDERSTOODNESS hanging around him. Itachi fixed him with a look that said 'stop moping and get in the car before I leave you here' as he sulkily grabbed his backpack and pulled his shoes on.

Sasuke started saying something, but Itachi tuned him out, merely walking out the door and getting into his car. The younger boy followed him and sat down in the passenger seat, making Itachi wonder how one person could look so offended by a car.

"Put your seatbelt on."

"I hate you."

Thus, their brotherly moment ended, Itachi stepped on the gas and proceeded to be the worst driver in the history of the Earth, speeding, going off the road, hitting old ladies; all without getting the police's attention. Damn, he was good.

He parked the car perfectly in the school parking lot, reaching into the backseat and grabbing his backpack before getting out of the car.

"Lock the door behind you."

"I'm going to kill you."

Still ignoring the heartfelt words of his baby brother, Itachi swung his backpack onto one shoulder and walked off, heading for the front of the school. There, he found the little clique that he belonged to. Well, it wasn't so little, really – the entire school population knew them – but there were actually only a few people considered part of it.

Itachi sat down on the table next to Kisame, setting down his backpack while Deidara finished up his story about one thing or another and Sasori put the puppet he'd been working on away. Hidan and Kakuzu were quietly fighting about something – probably religion – but it wasn't as heated as the fights usually were.

"All right guys," Rei-sama said, clicking off his cell phone as he ended his conversation. "Did you all get my message about purple nail polish?"

Immediately, then all stuck their hands in, displaying the dark polish on all their nails (even Kisame and Kakuzu's). Rei-sama smiled behind the shadow cast by his hat, hiding his face.

"Great. Purple nail polish is… sooooo in right now."

"Word," the others said, for the most part, together. Except one.

"Unnn."

Rei-sama turned his head, glaring at the blue-eyed blond. Deidara suddenly looked a bit sheepish and gave the shadowy figure a small smile.

"Deidara… what the hell?"

"Just ignore him, you know he's an idiot," Sasori said, rolling his eyes. Deidara smiled at his partner, leaning against the puppet maker slightly. Of course, that happy little moment didn't last long as he was immediately pushed away.

"Well… whatever. But listen; last night, I got this totally brilliant plan," Rei-sama said, leaning in, prompting the others in lean in as well. "See that blond kid over there?"

"Deidara?"

"No, you dumbass! The really loud, obnoxious one. You know, the one everybody in town hates for absolutely no reason?"

"Oh yeah… that one. Isn't his name… fish cakes or something?"

"Yes. Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto."

"Well, what about him? Everyone hates him, so there's no use in picking on him; he's already at rock bottom."

"Exactly. Everyone hates him, so no one will miss him when we kidnap him!"

This made all of them freeze and stare at Rei-sama as if he had just grown an extra head or three. Kidnap some snot nosed little blond punk that everyone hates? Sounded like Rei-sama had been getting into the pot a little early today.

"Uhh… not to undermine you, of course," Kisame said carefully, "but what the hell are we gonna do with a blond brat?"

"I wasn't done yet!" the shadowy boy snapped, glaring at the surprisingly fish-like man. Kisame quieted, deciding to wait until Rei-sama was done. Maybe this would make more sense once they heard the rest.

"Any more questions?"

They all shook their head silently.

"…Good. Now, do you see that lame red-haired kid over there?"

"…No?"

"You know the one… Temari's brother, a total gothtard, I think he hangs out with your brother, Itachi."

"Angst hunts in packs."

"His name is Gaara."

"We're going to kidnap him, too."

They all looked at Rei-sama again, waiting for him to go on. They waited. And waited. And waited some more. When no answer came, Kisame decided it was time to speak up.

"….And then what?"

"Well… I think… I think I want to take something out of them," Rei-sama said, biting his lip. The truth was, this had all come to him in a dream.

"….It's not their virginity, is it? Because I don't want that, unn."

"No no! God damn you, Deidara, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Unn."

"Stop that!"

Kisame shook his head and glanced over at Itachi. The Uchiha didn't seem to be bothered at all by the idea of kidnapping teens. In fact, he didn't even seem to be awake. Kisame waved a hand in front of his face, wondering if the younger teen had fallen asleep with his eyes open.

"What?" Itachi asked, looking at Kisame.

"Nothing…"

Rei-sama and Deidara finished their 'fight' and went back to the business at hand.

"All right, so Deidara and Sasori; you two are going to kidnap Gaara. Kisame, Itachi; you two are going to get Naruto. Understood?"

"When, exactly, are we going to do this?" Sasori asked, not looking particularly interested.

"As soon as possible. You're all on your own."

Hidan and Kakuzu glanced at each other.

"What about us?" Hidan demanded, a slight frown on his face.

"You two… You two can just… do something; I don't know. Get a place ready for us to take the little brats to."

"Right."

And so, the cheerleading gang kidnapped two unsuspecting teenagers and attempted to exorcise something – demons? – out of them. Of course, this was through violent means, and they were soon found and arrested by a female cop with huge boobs and a male cop in a mask with one eye.

Akatsuki was in jail, and Sasuke ended up in jail as well, after he tried to shoot Naruto in the head. Naruto was in the hospital for weeks.

Orochimaru also ended up in jail on charges of child molestation, and a young boy named Kimimaro was adopted by a man named Iruka who worked at Seaworld teaching the dolphins.