Big Daddy Monk's Late Nite Bishounen Love Hotline
Summary: Tatsuha dispenses Bishounen love and sex advice to the anime world via his very own late night radio show.
Rated T for lots of Obnoxious Language, Battledicks, Boy Butter Commercials, Fried Man Bits and Big Daddy's big mouth.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, Maki Murakami does. I make no money from this fanfic.
"Hey there boys and girls, this is Big Daddy Monk coming at you with the power hour you've all been waiting for—Big Daddy Monk's Late Nite Bishounen Love Hotline. We're live. We're direct. And we're answering all of the burning uncensored Bishounen Love questions you're getting hard to know but were too dumb to ask. So sit back, relax and put the crumb snatchers to bed. Adult Swim is now in session!"
"Well alrighty then, we're back. I'm your host, Tatsuha Uesugi, also known as Big Daddy Monk and for the next hour I'll be taking you on a journey into the minds, the hearts and most assuredly the dicks of my most favorite subject in the whole world—Bishounen. Well, second favorite subject. The first is of course Ryuichi Sakuma—Hey Baby, Big Daddy's thinking about ya!"
"Now the first thing I'd like to do is to define Bishounen for all our new listeners out there. Let's take a moment, shall we? There are basically three categories of attractive men: Good-looking men, Pretty men and of course Bishounen. Good-looking men are manly men that look good while doing manly things. Think the Brawny Man. Looks good in plaid, carries an axe and can probably build you a three story wood cabin, complete with sauna before lunch. Plus he brings home the bacon with all his paper towel revenues. The Good-looking man is good to have around in case you need a moose or two killed."
"Then there are the Pretty men. Pretty men, or as I like to call them "Metrosexuals," are well groomed, have perfect teeth, perfect manicures complete with matching pedicures, and they dress to impress. They also have more mousse in their hair than a one square mile radius of women put together. In a pinch and after too much to drink, you could easily mistake one for a flat-chested woman. Tom Cruise is a pretty man. Brad Pitt is a pretty man but pretends not to be. And though still hotly debated in some circles, The Artist Currently Known as Prince is indeed a pretty MAN!"
"And last but by no means least, there are the Bishounen. Bishounen are a subspecies of pretty man—genus bishonus dickus perfectus. Though they are hard to come by, they're easy to spot and while they come in all shapes, sizes, and shades, they share distinct and very readily identifiable characteristics. For instance, Bishounen hair. Hair is very important to the Bishounen, though you'd be hard pressed to tell. Often found in gravity defying styles, Bishounen hair is an art form unto itself. Though length and color varies (unusual colors are not uncommon) Bishounen hair is often windswept though there is no evidence of any wind. The bangs are usually kept long and usually hang sexily into the Bishounen's eyes often obscuring at least one of them, lending them a mysterious and coy look. You will never EVER see a Bishounen comb their hair. Why? Because we don't have to. God took care of it for us."
"Then there are the eyes. Eyes are also very important to the identification of a Bishounen. They are always sexy. Whether they're big and girly or oblong and dangerous, once you've looked into the eyes of a Bishounen, you'll never want to go back to myopic normal again. Eye size and shape is also important as it goes a long way to establishing whether your Bishounen is a "top" or a "bottom." Mostly round and girly eyes indicate a willingness to be dominated, while oblong and dangerous is an indicator that your Bishounen wants to "pitch." Notice I said mostly. These rules are not set in stone; so don't let your guard down. There are plenty of wolves in Boy George clothing out there--I should know, I'm related to one by marriage. And just because your Bishounen came with an "uke" tag, doesn't mean they're not aggressive in bed or don't have the inclination to top you when you least expect it. And if that happens, I don't give a damn how cool you think you are or how many levels you can power up, you won't be able to do a goddamned thing about it! Believe me, I know first hand and own a wheelchair as proof. Why do I own a wheelchair? Because I got tired of renting!"
"Eye color varies, but in Bishounen, the more unusual the color, the more valuable your Bishounen is. That's not to say Bishounen with normal eye coloring are any less desirable. A typical, base model Bishounen with brown eyes is still worth more than any three normal men. And if he's tall and fully packing, well, the value just skyrockets from there."
"Next we have face and body type. Bishounen are almost always tall and lean, though they can also be short and saucy. They're usually elfin like in appearance and definitely have a feminine bend. In fact, many is the time one would be hard pressed to tell a Bishounen from a spanking ass woman on a clear, sunny day. Bishounen are almost never muscular. Heaven forefend, leave that to the Brawny men! A Bishounen man might be a mighty demon slayer, or a secret agent, or might even possess strength, supernatural powers and skill with weaponry you can't even pronounce, but if you expect one to change the oil in your car, you can forget it. A Bishounen typically doesn't know one end of a wrench from his own ass. Take that shit to Jiffy Lube and be done!"
"Finally, a word about clothes. Though typically Bishounen don't go to any great lengths about their dress or appearance, they always ALWAYS look like a hundred million yen! Their clothes, no matter what they are— a custom tailored Gucci suit or a ten pound potato sack complete with cape, always fit perfectly and are usually billowing artfully out behind us, as we are constantly accompanied by a divine wind that blows our hair and clothes to sexy perfection. Mere mortal men have to lug around a fan from Kmart. With Bishounen, it just comes naturally! Ryuhei Matsuda is a Bishounen. Holy Shit! That fucker is Bishounen with a capital "B!" And before anyone says a goddamned word, I know there are a few of you out there that would like to dispute his inclusion into the Bishounen Club. You are the same few that are still debating the Prince Gender Principle or clinging to the belief that Gackt is actually a woman and all I have to say is, if you have any of their phone numbers email them to me— swingusdickus(at)uesugitemple.rel. I'll be happy to go to their house, check out the situation first hand and report back to you first thing the next morning…right after they've made me breakfast."
"Now, you may be wondering what qualifies me to have this show—to dispense advice to you poor saps out there listening. Trust me, if you have to ask, then you obviously haven't seen the sexy piece of man stud that is Tatsuha Uesugi. But for the newbies, my resume reads as follows: I am a Bishounen. I'm shacked up with a Bishounen and I make him scream multiple times daily, morning, noon and night, 24/7/365 and a quarter for leap years and God help our neighbors on weekends and holidays! Having said that, my brother is also a Bishounen and he is shacked up with a Bishounen of the short, girly variety. He too makes a mockery of mere mortal sex by doing his man left and right, six times a day, seven days a week, six ways to Sunday. Having said THAT, our brother-in-law is a Bishounen who is more Bishounen than most Bishounen…and yes, he's got the lace panties to prove it. Our Bishounen boyfriends and our brother-in-law work in the recording industry with even more Bishounen, both domestic Japanese varieties and at least one import, and the list just goes on from there. To say that I'm a pedigreed expert with an advanced degree in Bishology is an understatement. Trust me on this, I've got what you need. And if after all that, you still don't see the light, then understand this: I'm a HOLY MAN, so don't question me goddamnit!"
"Now, without further ado, let's turn the show over to you, the poor clueless bastards that have burning questions for your Big Daddy Monk to answer—555-MANLOVE. The lines are open. Oh! I see we already have a caller. You're on the air!"
"Umm, hi, Big Daddy Monk?"
"Yeah, the one and only. What's your question, Dude?"
"Well, I was wondering. My Bishounen spends a terrible amount of time brooding over his haunted past. I just want him to open up and talk to me. How can I help him?"
"Ahh, the old brooding-over-a-haunted-past bit. Well, caller, I'm sorry to say that while Bishounen are a joy and a privilege to have, they are not without their downfalls. Most Bishounen are emotional train wrecks and have more baggage than JFK. They typically have dark pasts that they are constantly trying to put behind them and with the right drugs and therapy probably could, but it would ruin their image. Simply put, your Bishounen isn't going to get over his past. With enough love and sex he might be able to temporarily forget it, but angst is part of the hard wired Bishounen genetic code and it ain't going nowhere. With patience and heavy tranquilizers (for you, not him) it may be possible to get him to the point where he can live a semi-normal life and may even be able to one day do things regular men take for granted, like cuddling and holding hands. I've seen it done, but Lord God the toll it took on the man that did it! That unfortunate slob is currently doing electro-therapy four times a week, but his Bishounen is happier than a nympho in Kabukicho!"
"To you I would suggest that you dole out your love to him in small increments and increase them in minute amounts when you see him respond. Get him used to talking to you about things other than that dark day long ago (it's always a dark day long ago). It'll take a long time and you'll probably die before the training is complete, but the pay off is worth it. You'll have a happy Bishounen and you'll have a happy Bishounen dick you can play with til your heart's content. Until that day, have patience, have strength and have a lot of drugs on hand (for you, not him).
"No problem and good luck. You'll need it. Caller, you're on the air."
"Hello. I have a similar question to the first caller's. My Bishounen is often cold and distant toward me even though I do my best to be there for him because I know he needs me. See, he had a rough life when he was alive and it hasn't really gotten much better for him now that he's dead—especially since he died at such a young age and still has a psychopathic serial killer after him. The problem is that we work together and my feelings for him are growing which makes for an awkward work environment. He's empathic, so I know he knows how I feel, but I want to actually tell him, rather than just have him sense it. How can I go about doing something like that without disturbing an already rocky partnership?"
"I want to tell him how I feel about him and to get him to trust me, but am afraid because he's been hurt before and I don't want to upset our already tenuous working relationship. How can I do that?"
(Silence) "Back up. Did you say that he's…dead?"
"Uhh, yeah, he was murdered and now he's—"
"Are you dead too? I hope to God you are, because if you aren't and you're trying to make time with a dead guy, that's a whole different show!"
"Well, yeah, I'm dead too, but—"
"And you still have JOBS?"
"Ummm, yeah, we work at the Ministry of Hades as Shinigami and…"
"So you work for a sort of afterlife government bureau?"
"Well, fuck me! Big Daddy Monk is blown away! Forget your angsty Bishounen question, Dude, you got bigger problems than you know! For starters, what kind of karmic deficit were y'all running where even DEATH couldn't free you from the shackles of CIVIL SERVICE?"
"Shit! Now you got me worried! With all my earthly indulgences and tom foolery, I certainly didn't expect to be lucky enough to end up in Heaven proper, but I figured since I'm a monk in training, that'd be good for at least getting me a small flat in the suburbs! Now you're telling me if I don't run the straight and narrow, I'm going to die and go to the GOVERNMENT?"
"Well, no, we're special cases see—"
"Whew, thank God, I was about to piss myself! Dude, I gotta tell you, angst is the LEAST of your problems, sigh…but I'll try to help. Ok, your partner is still touchy and a bit skittish after his murder--rightly so I might add. Since your partner is empathic, you're right, he knows you're coming before you do. And since he's been hurt, he probably really wants to reach out and trust you but doesn't know how or is afraid he'll be on the receiving end of betrayal or nasty death again. Can the dead die twice? Nevermind, Big Daddy doesn't want to know. Uhh…try this. Get yourself in a happy mood when you're around him. Don't mention your feelings for a bit, just inundate him with warmth and happiness and radiate positivity towards him. Let him know that you're there for him in little ways—a smile, a pat on the shoulder, shit like that. Do fun things--watch Chobits with him, umm maybe take him to dinner…assuming you still eat? Build his trust slowly. It'll take time but, then, time is all you've really got, being dead and all, huh? Also, and I can't believe Big Daddy is about to say this, but slow your roll trying to get him to bed. This is one instance where I think doing it right the first time, which means slowly and patiently, is better than throwing caution to the wind and letting your dick do the talking for you. After all, you don't want to spend eternity regretting a fuck up like that, do you? You already have to punch a time card every day and I think that's more than enough drama in your life…or whatever it is you have now!"
"So you're saying that I should just take it slowly and let my heart guide me?"
"Right, continue to work together to the best of your ability and try not to let his unresponsiveness get to you. I guarantee it won't last long. Before you know it, he will come to you and that's what's got to happen. Let him make the first move. Bishounen typically don't do well on their own. Even the so called lone wolves that keep everyone at a distance and would just as soon bite your head off as to admit they need love too, will break down and accept a sidekick or someone they need into their lives when the right person comes along. Then, before you know it BAM, they're shacked up or ready to power up and kick ass when their man gets captured!"
"You have to be patient, persistent and be a bit dysfunctional yourself to withstand the abuse you've got coming. And believe me Caller, abuse is definitely coming. You should hook up with my almost brother-in-law named Shuichi and do lunch. It sounds like there would be a lot of note swapping going on."
"Thanks, I'd like that. Especially if the restaurant has good desserts! I'm a sucker for things dipped in whipped cream and chocolate."
"Aren't we all! Good luck, Caller and may the Force be with you! Hmm…I think I'll go to temple an extra couple of days this week, for some extra atoning…just to be safe. Ok, next Caller, you're on the air!"
"Hi, umm…a question about imports. I have a Bishounen that's obsessed with guns and he keeps wanting to bring them to bed. He wears at least one every day and matches his gun holsters to his outfits like most women match their shoes to their purses. I love him dearly, but needless to say I'm living in fear! I mean, what if one day, he should, you know…shoot off prematurely? What can I do?"
"Do you have health insurance?"
"Keep it current. Now, as for your imported Bishounen, sadly, Big Daddy Monk doesn't have a lot of expertise in this area as I'm mostly surrounded by domestic Japanese models. Where is your Bishounen from originally?"
"Shit! Well, there's good news, Caller, and there's bad news. The good news is that while Americans can be rude, crude, loud, obnoxious and usually have no sense of decorum or dress style, they're fierce fighters, loyal lovers and the ones I've seen define the word cunning. They'll also shag the utter hell out of you. Rumor has it that since American Bishounen are typically larger and have a heavier build than domestic varieties, they're hung like thoroughbred racehorses, so way to go for scoring yourself a rare U.S. import! You may want to think about getting yourself a good quality wheelchair."
"The bad news Caller, is that while American imports are never dull, they're chatty, devious, like copious amounts of cheese—which can be a serious problem if you're a top (catch my drift?) and they have a propensity towards violence—particularly where guns are concerned. Americans are borne of shotgun weddings and weaned on gun oil. They're brought up in a culture that has whole associations, magazines and conventions devoted to guns. In short, the guns aren't going anywhere."
"If the guns are making you nervous, perhaps you could incorporate them into your sex play to get used to them. Have him bring unloaded guns to bed—start with something small like a .22 and work your way up from there. Use them in ways that you are comfortable with--just make sure that the guns are the only things shooting blanks! Oh and if you're going to use guns in that capacity, be sure they're well prepped with quality lube! There's nothing worse than high caliber gun-ass in the morning! Caller, you might also try to learn more about them. I'm sure your Bishounen will appreciate you taking an interest in something that's as much a part of him as swords are to our own domestics. You'll get brownie points and you'll reap all kinds of savory rewards."
"We're always interested in knowing about the intimate aspects of the more exotic Bishounen, so why don't you call in from time to time to let us know how it's going…and that you're still with us!
"Yeah, ok. Maybe I could get us some matching camouflage thongs or something? And maybe we can play wargames in bed—I know! I can help him sink his Battledick!"
"That's the spirit Caller! And Caller?"
"Do keep that insurance coverage current. Ok, how about one more question before we have to take a break for a word from our sponsors? Caller, it's all you!"
"Hey, ok, I've tried the Bloody Sword Technique you described last week, but it's not working right. Instead of cleanly severing my victims in half, the sword flames out halfway through leaving me with a---"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Caller, what the fuck?"
"I'm talking about the Bloody Sword Technique—it's not killing people the way it should, can you help?"
"Uhh, I think you got the wrong show, pal. This is "Big Daddy Monk's Late Nite Bishounen Love Hotline." You want "Death and Dismemberment for Fun and Profit," hosted by Kuroudo Akabane. That's on next."
"Oh, sorry." Click—dial tone.
"Oh my fucking God, I definitely need a break after that! We'll be back after these messages."
"What the fuck are you DOING back there?"
"OOOO, that's gonna smart in the morning!"
"NO, NO and MORE NO--we're CLOSED for repairs!"
Does this sound familiar?
Are you tired of hearing your Bishy's ass SNAP SHUT at the mere sight of you?
Are you ashamed that you're too dry to take the dive and drive the way you want to?
Don't make him shudder, break out the Boy Butter! Boy Butter is an all-natural vegetable oil based super lube designed to help you please with maximum ease. Our high tech polymers and glycerins adhere to the skin, guaranteeing an even coating with staying power and now with the addition of our new vitamin E and aloe base, you can moisturize while you vaporize!
So if you don't want to hear him mutter, lube his ass up with the Butter!
Boy Butter--buy a tub today and spread the love.
Now in new churn style or country cream.
Are you lonely? Are you sitting in your darkened room right now with nothing but a box full of anime, a cup of noodles and a bottle of baby oil for company? Call the Bishounen Love Partyline: 1-999-GOD-DAMN! There are sexy Bishounen waiting to talk to you right now. Pick up the phone, we've got something for everyone.
"Mmm…nnnn…ahhh…my name is Vegeta, and I'm all powered up with no place to go. Won't you call me? I'm so lonely with just my Dragon Ballz to keep me company. Don't let the receding hairline fool you cuz I'm all Bishounen, baby! Call me now and I'll show you just how big my Dragon Ballz really are…"
We've got Bishounen on standby 24 hours a day, just panting to talk to you.
"After a long day working as a salesman at Right Trading Company and an even longer night fighting evil as the Red Leader of a fashionably challenged super sentai team, a man needs to relax! So I call up the Bishounen Love Partyline! Listening to their dick thumping theme music and talking about escapades gone by when they were captured and chained all bloody and bare-chested to a wall, powerless and defenseless until they were rescued at the 11th hour by their sexy Bishounen partner with whom they have an unspoken bond of love and camaraderie, well, it makes me harder than Chinese math! Go ahead, get yourself off! You deserve it!"
The Bishounen Love Partyline: 1-999-GOD-DAMN! Horny Bishounen are waiting for YOU!
"And we're back. So far we've helped two angst ridden Bishounen deal with their own angst ridden Bishounen and answered a question about American imports. This is turning out to be quite the show. Let's see if we can't kick it up a notch. Caller, you're on the air!"
"Hey there, Mr. Big Daddy Monk, Suh!"
"Ooo, a female caller! Let me just take a moment to say that while a lot of Bishounen are card carrying members of the Dickhood, let it be known that there are plenty that indulge in the fairer sex. We encourage questions from all those who love Bishounen, regardless of their gender, their preference or as we've just seen, their status among the living. What's your question Sweetheart?"
"Well, I'm Excel and Excel is maaaddddly in love, love, love with her Bishounen boss, the sexy, the divine and the oh so fine, Ilpallazo. HAIL ILPALLAZO! The problem is, he keeps sending Excel on missions of peril in the name of conquering the world and Excel is getting a might ANTSY if you know what Excel means. Excel needs a little lovin' between missions and Big Daddy Ill ain't coming forth with the goods. He just sits there all day in his underground lair playing dating sims on his Gameboy and hitting on Excel's partner, Hyatt. How can Excel get Ilpallazo to notice her and so she can get the party started right?"
"I hear you, Honey. You need get to get your swerve on so you can get your mission on, am I right?"
"Well, lemmee see. Your Bishounen is focused on taking over the world or taking over your partner, whichever comes first…is your partner Hyatt a chick?"
"Is she cute?"
"When she's alive."
"God, don't tell me she's dead too!"
"Big Daddy don't want to know. Ok, so he's playing for Team Hetero, which is good news for you, Excel. And more good news—even though he's got ambition and goals for himself, he seems easily distracted by the finer things in life, namely video games and chicks. So here's what you do. How do you feel about yuri, Excel?"
"Who is Yuri?"
"Your best friend if you play your cards right! If you really want to catch your man's attention, catch Hyatt on a day when she's alive…or maybe you want to do this while she's dead, depending on how she feels about yuri. Anyhow, pick a day when the three of you are together and your Bishounen is spouting off about world domination and then--BOOYAH BABY--make out with her! Right in front of him! And don't be shy about it either. Take that wench down to the mat and go for yours! Let me tell you, after three and a half seconds of seeing his two minions in a horizontal break dance, world conquest will be the last coherent thought he has for awhile. And of course, if it doesn't work and he's still not interested, at least you got yourself a little sumphin-sumphin to tide you over til you can find a more willing victim—or a "toy store" if you know what I mean. But I doubt very sincerely it'll get that far. Save for the hardcore members of the Dickhood, there ain't a man alive—Bishounen or otherwise, or even dead for that matter, that wouldn't give a ménage a three a second thought before jumping right in."
"You really think so, Mr. Big Daddy, Suh?"
"I KNOW so."
"Well ALRIGHT! Excel is on the case! Look out, Hyatt, Excel's coming for you girl!"
"Good for you! If you can, take pictures and email them to me ok? swingusdickus(at)uesugitemple.rel."
"Uhh, Mr. Big Daddy Monk, Suh?"
"Next Caller, you're on the air!"
"Hey, Mr. Big Daddy Monk?"
"Hey, Man, what's on your mind?"
"Uhh, I got a tough one. I gots me a Bishounen that just don't know when to stay his ass at home! If he's not off averting some planet wide catastrophe involving races of super beings, alien invasions or a cataclysmic apocalypse of good and evil factions battling for the destiny of mankind, he's off getting his super power costume repaired! I mean, DAMN, Mr. Big Daddy! I DRIVE A COROLLA! Do you KNOW how many times I've had to get the doors put back on or the roof replaced cuz he had the sudden need to transform while we're on our way to the cleaners to pick up his latest costume alterations and just HAD to go flying off through the roof to save us again? I say just let us go to hell! My car insurance won't cover me anymore, so why should I give a shit if aliens take us over?"
"Wow caller I—"
"And then there's dinner! He doesn't eat anymore. He's sooo concerned about his transformed super body being fat! And then we don't talk like we used. We used to talk about how our days went. Now I talk about school and work at the office and he talks about the persistent rift between dimensions that threatens to doom us all or how Tokyo Tower is in dire peril AGAIN! You will NEVER know how many meatloaves I have had ruined, cuz this man can't stay his ass at the table like should, but instead runs off to save that damn thing once again! Just let the fucker fall is what I say! How is that thing even still getting insurance with every mecha, Godzilla, power wave Bankai blast hitting it every other day! It only took once for my car roof to get barbecued for my coverage to get dropped! Tokyo Tower is freakin insured top to bottom!"
"Caller I feel—"
"And then there's the BEDROOM! Oh. My. Effin. Lord! Just once I'd like to get through the deed without him powering up half way through! If I get hit with another Turbo Charged Lightning Wave at a crucial moment, I swear to GOD my man bits are gonna fry right off! As it is, I can't get my hair to lay down anymore. People think I'm spiking it up on purpose. Ohhh if they only knew! And then he's got to call out every move he makes. It's all like, SUPER AMAZING TONGUE SWIRL or SHINING PHOENIX FLAMING ASS BLAST or RAPID FIRE RELEASE SHOT! I'm like, Dude, who are you talking to? I'm right here under you! I'm smoking and fried from a lightning strike, NOT DEAF! Just cuz I'm sizzling like crispy bacon in a pan don't mean I can't hear you! Why can't you just do what you gotta do and be done already so I can get some sleep? I can't call in to MY boss talking about I can't come in today, I'm tired from saving the world with my SHINING PHOENIX FLAMING ASS BLAST! I gotta catch a train in the morning like the rest of the human slobs!"
"Did you have an actual question, or did you call in to bitch and whine about your super powered Bishy?"
"I called in to bitch and whine about my super powered Bishy."
"So, you don't have a question?"
"No, why should I? I love my Level 3 Power Up Stud. I've got a tall, thin super powered Bishy with unusual eye coloring who's fully packing! Our relationship is great!"
(Sigh) Do you feel better now that you've gotten this off your chest?
"Yeah, I do. Thanks Big Daddy! You're the fu-schnickens! I gotta go now. My meatloaf is almost done."
"My God in Heaven! Dare I even ask for the next caller? Ok, Caller, go for it!"
"Ryu! Hey Baby, what's up? Daddy's in the middle of something."
"Are you going to be home soon?"
"It won't be long, now. Stay handy, Big Daddy's got something he wants to give you."
"OOO! Is it a present?"
"Not in so many words, but I can wrap it if you want."
"Ok! Ta-kun, bring home toilet paper, we're out."
"Roger that, Sweetie. Big Daddy's gotta go now."
"Don't be cheap, Ta-kun! Buy two-ply this time!"
"Don't worry, I learned my lesson. It's Charmin all the way, cuz yours is an ass that's much too precious for Scotts. See you later, Babycakes."
"Bye Ta-kun! Kuma kisses!"
"Alright people, hear that? My man's waiting on me, so we gotta wrap it up. We've got time for one more caller. You're on the air!"
"Caller, are you there?"
"Ryu…your Bishounen. He sounds really nice."
"Uhh, yeah he is. He's sweet enough to eat and I love him dearly."
"It must be nice."
"Being able to…be with someone that you…you trust enough to get that close to."
"Yeah, I got lucky, though, it's not without its problems and we have to work at it. But you're right. I'm a lucky sumbitch."
"My partner is really nice too. He's very…sweet and sounds a lot like Ryu."
"So what's the problem?"
"I…I don't know how to be with him."
"That's easy. Do an Excel: throw him down and saddle him up!"
"No, that's not what I mean. I don't know how to…be close to him."
"Gawd, is this angst related?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Sigh, ok, tell Big Daddy all about it."
"It's just that…well…we work together and though he's never said anything, I know he really cares for me. The way he looks at me with those amethyst eyes of his. The way he smiles at me. I can feel it. He loves me and it's a warm love. A happy love. A kind of…joy. He radiates it whenever I get near him. He's been there for me since we became partners and he's even saved my life, but…I don't know how…to return his affection. At first I didn't even know if I wanted to return his affection. He's goofy and irresponsible and is the biggest baby about sweets you've ever seen! The man can't pass a Cinnabon without turning into a puppy! You've never seen such a mess! Yet…I find myself thinking about him constantly. Just recently I was in a situation that I didn't think I was going to make it out of and the only thing I could think about was him. And when I was at my worst, strapped bloody and almost bare-chested to a bed, powerless and defenseless, he came for me at the 11th hour. Even though it was an obvious trap, he didn't abandon me. And the first thing he did was smile at me with those amethyst colored eyes. Though I never tell him, I look forward to being with him every day. I…I like it when he smiles at me. When he…he shows that he…he cares for me. When he's near me. I've never had anyone in my life that cared for me--that loves me the way he does…and now that I do…I…I just don't know what to do."
"Umm…hello, Big Daddy Monk?"
"Dear Lord…let me guess—you're a dead empath!"
"Umm...yeah. How did you know?"
"I was a psychic named Miss Cleo in another life. Call me now fer yer free reedin'! Of course, being psychic, I don't know how come I couldn't see the cops coming to bust my fake ass for fraud…"
"I guess being dead complicates things, huh?"
"Sigh…not really. Actually, I suppose you ought to be grateful. You're getting a second chance to experience things that eluded you the first go round. I know all about you and your, God help me, J O B, because your partner called about you earlier in the show. He seems like a really good guy, Caller, but then, you already know that. He feels like he can't be with you because you won't open up to him."
"Now, it might just be me, but you'd think the dearly departed would have plenty to talk about…starting with the fact that they can talk at all--but you guys seem to be doing an awful lot of just dancing around each other. Try talking to him, Caller. Don't just rely on your empathy to see what's going on. See him with your own two eyes…if you still have them. He's really trying. He really wants you to be able to trust him. And to me, it seems that you want to be able to trust him. So, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him. Take it slowly. Do fun things together. Show him in ways that you're comfortable with that you want to be there for him as much as he wants to be there for you. Make your working relationship as much a part of your regular relationship as you can. I don't suppose anyone is going to look twice at a couple of guys holding hands at where you work, all things considered, but if they do, so the hell what? YOU'RE DEAD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! The time to be bashful is over and done with. And if anyone's got anything to say about it, tell them to kiss your corpse rotting ass!"
"In conclusion, be careful with him Caller. There was something in his voice that makes me think he's got angst of his own, so since you're both Bishounen and can't help yourselves, why not try being angsty together?"
"You really think it'll work?"
"Why not? It'll take time, but time is your friend. It brought you the thing you needed most—your partner, despite all kinds of fucking obstacles—namely death! Take the chance life…err…afterlife has given you and don't waste it by focusing on the past. Focus on what's in front of you--a Bishounen with supernatural powers and unusual eye coloring! Sounds to me like you hit the Bishounen jackpot…if not for that whole not breathing thing! You know, I would swear I've seen your situation in an anime somewhere! Oh well, say, Caller, did you have an actual question? I sort of went off on the whole dead thing and didn't let you get it out."
"I did have a question, but that's ok. You've already given me the answer."
"Glad to be of service. Oh and Caller, just one more thing. I am going to go on the assumption that your bits and pieces are still in working order. Once you're all comfy and at an acceptable angst level, if you really want to do something for your partner, you'll stop by a Cinnabon and pick up a family pack, then go home and place them in strategic positions all over your naked body. Then you'll give your man a fork and tell him to dig in!"
(Laughing softly) "Shut up!"
"And tell him to make with the quick licking before the icing gets cold and hardens. It'll be hell trying to get it out of the cracks. Well, that's all we have time for this week. Be sure to join me again next week when we'll have a guest co-host—someone who I know very well and is very near and dear to my heart--my dick, Private Privates! Hey, Bloody Sword Boy that called earlier. NOW you can call in, you big freak! Don't ever call my fucking show again, you hear? And Ryu? Sit tight, Darling, your man's coming home with ultrasoft!"
Theme Song: Rawhide
A/N: Thanks so much for reading my story! This story was actually posted for about an hour on AFFnet last year before I took it down and decided to enter it into a contest instead. I totally forgot to do it! The other day I came across it and decided I liked it enough to re-post.
The following are the story references:
First caller was a made up caller
Second caller was Tsuzuki from Yami no Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness) He was calling about Hisoka
Third caller was Hiro calling about K and his Battledick!
Fourth caller was a random Dr. Jackal (GetBackers) fan
Fifth caller was Excel from Excel Saga about her goofy ass boss. Hyatt is her comely comrade who dies every five seconds…
Sixth caller was a very vocal but made up caller added especially for the reposting
Seventh caller was Ryuichi calling about Toilet Paper
Eighth caller was Hisoka calling about Tsuzuki
The Boy Butter commercial—While I made up the commercial and the country cream flavor, there really is a lube called Boy Butter and yes, it comes in a butter tub in churn style! Sigh…even Asrella couldn't make up something like that.
The Bishounen Love Partyline featured Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z and the Red guy from Special Duty Combat Unit Shinesman. I can't remember his name, but the anime is a funny parody of the Power Rangers and other kinds of Sentai shows. They're fashionably challenged because like the Power Rangers, each fighter has his own color, but unlike the Power Rangers they're not cool (not that PR is cool). Their colors are like Red, Gray, Moss Green, Salmon Pink…you get the picture.
Ryuhei Matsuda: A STUNNING Japanese actor that I swear was supposed to be a woman. If there was such a thing as a real life Bishounen, he'd be it. (Him + Gacktnosebleed!) I saw him in the movie Gohatto (Taboo) and gotta say, nature really dropped the ball on this one…literally.
Gackt: A stunning Japanese pop star that I've been obsessing over lately. And sometimes, he looks very much like a spanking ass woman on a clear sunny day...
The theme song used is the theme to the tv western Rawhide. For some reason it just cracks me up to think that, while the words are talking about cattle, they could easily be talking about rustling up a herd of naked horny asses. But the lyrics were removed for obvious reasons.
I hope you had as good a time reading this as I had writing it. Cheers! --A