I don't own Resident Evil, or any of the characters, aside from the people I put in here that weren't in the game, and ect. blah.


After the S.T.A.R.S. team entered the mansion, and the good old "Hm, dark and stormy night, forest filled with monsters, one team member killed by a pack of half-rotted house dogs. Hey, let's hide in that foreboding mansion! What's that, stoic and mysterious team leader who somehow knows everything already and always has your sunglasses on as if hiding something, split up, and leave you alone in the mansion to wreak havoc on everything while we obliviously stumble through a zombie-infested manor? That's a grand idea!" (Moreover, I am only paraphrasing a bit here.) So, as I am deciding to go with the Jill and Barry path in this one, lets start the plot (and Wesker ) rape now.

Jill and Barry walked into a dining room, after hearing a series of gunshots.

"Oh my God, Barry is that blood?"

"I think it is! That person who fired the gunshots could be in trouble! Let's stall, I'll check the blood, and you, since you have the shitty little police standard issue gun, and I have the magnum, you go check it out!"

"Wow that makes so much sense! Oh hey, what's the shiny thing above the fireplace?"

After examining a crest that is not of any use until you're like a quarter of the way through the game, Jill leaves the room, and goes towards the illuminated half of the hall, and a wicked awesome cut scene of the zombie munching that loser, Kenneth something, but no one gives a damn about him, and I just hope that the zombie was the one who fired the shots, because my pride would have been killed if I had a full shotgun and I couldn't kill that zombie. Well, anyways…

(Authoress can be heard taking gasping breaths after that run-on sentence.)

"Oh, it's a zombie; I think I'll shoot every unvital part on its body before killing it." After apparently killing it, she runs back to Barry, who was still looking at the blood, and leaving everyone who's played the game wondering if he went color-blind in the process, because IT IS OBVIOUSLY BLOOD! HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE NOT TO KNOW THAT!

"Barry, watch out there's a monster like right behind me! I'm going to stand here and wait for you to kill it!"

Barry then deems it necessary to tell Jill "I'll take care of it!" And everyone thinks, 'why did you just tell us that you will take care of it, when it was so damned obvious that you would, and waste time in a kill or be killed situation?'

After Barry shot the zombie, but first hitting every nonvital part on its body, like that was necessary, because he was shooting the zombie at point blank. If I were in that situation (after panicking), I would have shot it in the head.

Then someone has the nerve to ask what it was! Hum, rotting human eating someone, not dying or reacting after being shot in various places, is that not the basic description of a ZOMBIE? He and Jill just walk out of the room.

Wesker, who said he would secure this area, is now gone, and they wonder where he is. I have narrowed down the possible answers to these:

A) Wesker found something that needed his immediate attention, like killing a monster or examining a noise

B) He was attacked by rabid fan girls.

C) Its April Fools day and he is invisible.

D) He is a sexy evil bastard that needed to go down into the labs and laugh at the dumb ass S.T.A.R.S members who cannot do jack.

If you picked A, you are an overly optimistic bastard who must die. If you picked B, you have yet to come to realize that this is my fic, I have a claim on Wesker in this one, and you are dumb and must be killed. If you picked C, then you are like my cousin Haley, if you read Random Parodies, you will learn about her, so because there can be only one Haley, you will be exterminated, and it is a wonder that you can read. If you picked D, than you may or may not be a smart person, but you are not dumb because you can see that there was something not right here.

"Jill, Wesker's not here, let's look around, but not leave this area." What? You don't want to leave this area to look for this guy? Do you really think that he's just like, at some odd angle that you can't see him or something? Really now, how dumb can you be?

After they examine the room, Barry decides that Wesker is, indeed, not here. "Jill, take this lock pick, even though you'll still need a ridiculous amount of keys to get through this place."

"Ok Barry, thanks." She then goes to the door on the right.

This room, in my not-so-humble opinion, is not that necessary. The only thing you get in here is a dagger and a map. I like maps, but they could have put the map in another room.


Jill went down the small hallway that was just a dead end in that room. In addition, because this is my fic, and I want to be there to berate the other people, instead of a zombie, she finds me, poking the zombie with a stick.

Jill thinks, 'What sort of sick place is this, turning a little girl into a zombie?'

Jill noted the almost white hair that was tangled all over the back of her head and white-ish skin. She couldn't see the face, but assumed that it would be all kinds of rotten.

Maddie heard the click of a gun then turned around. "Whoo, shit, watch where you're pointing that!"

"A talking zombie?"

"I'm not a zombie."

"Then why do you look like you clawed your way out of a grave?"

"So I haven't detangled my hair in like a month and I don't get a lot of sun!" (If you are wondering, I do have dry, tangled hair that's still bleached from when I dyed it teal, and I don't like the sun, it burns me.)

"I'm still not convinced."

"Oh for the love of… Could a zombie do this?" Maddie pulls out a magnum (my saying is a magnum is a girls best friend) and points it at Jill.

"Ok, I'm convinced."

"Good. Out of curiosity, did you wonder why someone left the door to a biohazard mansion like this unlocked? I mean, any common burglar would go into a mansion like this because it have something of value to steal in it, and they would get bitten by a zombie and then run outside, and die and bite other people! And you're an ex-cat burglar and all that jazz!"

"How did you know that?"

"I have my sources…" (I read the books. Yes, there are books.)

"You're sort of creepy…"

"I get that all the time. Let me change into my alter ego which was invented for this fic." Maddie then runs into the closet, which you don't get the key for until you beat the game once.

(A/N: I don't have an alter ego, just imagine me to look however you want me to, but make it sexy)

"How'd you do that?" Jill asked. "Does it matter? Let's go get that paridot arrow head so we can go get the Book of Curse and the sword key!"

"…What are you talking about?"

Maddie grabs Jill by the hand and pulls her towards the west hall staircase. On the way up, Jill notices some of the healing herbs. She then eats them, because you should totally eat some potted plant that is just growing in some crazy B.O.W. infested mansion.

Maddie watches, slightly amused. "Old sixties behavior that hard to break?"

"Whoa, look at the pretty colors…!"

"Right, hey look, the pretty colors are going up the stairs now, let's follow them!"

"Yay, pretty colors!"

And once Maddie shot the zombies promptly in the head, 'cause that's like the only way to kill them if you don't want to tote the dumb ass oil and lighter around, even though it's not really optional, because they don't let you aim really. However, Maddie just laughs at the splatter of gray matter, slime, and blood that now coat the walls.

"I hate this room and all these fucking mirrors! It makes me feel like I'm on something. You know, aside those 150 milligrams of Zoloft and 60 Ritalin, but those are prescription!"

Jill decides right after Maddie's pointless rant to snap out of it.

"Where are we?"

"Mirror hall, second story, lower western half of the mansion. I think that's right anyways… But here's the arrow we need, let's shift it and get out of this hall, shall we?"

"Um… ok then…"

The two then make it back to the main hall, and to the door that's painted to look like it leads farther into the mansion, out in to, dun dun dun, no creepy mansion would be complete without it, its own personal crumbling cemetery!

"Why the hell do these people have a cemetery in their back yard anyways? There aren't any names on the head stones! I don't think anyone is even berried back here! No zombies either! No living dead in a cemetery!" Jill rants. Sounds like she's finally getting a hold of the pointlessness of the place. (A/N: There aren't any zombies on hiking mode, or whatever the fuck it's called. God, it's like those lame-ass names of the Starbucks coffee sizes! However, on Mountain climbing mode there are a few.)

Maddie put the arrow head in its proper place and said "Duh, so they can hide a super zombie in a hanging coffin and hide the 'stone and metal object' inside it, the coffin, not the zombie."


They then make that long trek down into the crypt, where Maddie grabs the Book of Curse, then grabs the sword key from the back, promptly tossing the book aside.

"Don't you want to read it?"

"No, it only holds some useless information about how to get the coffin down, which one can easily ascertain from the protrusions on the wall adjacent, because they are the focal point of the camera angle, and when you get back here, the focal point changes to the hanging casket, and one can only assume that you need to place something there, on the face-like protrusions I mean, to have the casket drop down, and once you find said object, its easy to tell where they go."

"Did you know that was one hell of a run on sentence, and you didn't breathe once, and two, what?"

"Basically what I said was you can guess what you need to do because of the camera angles, and you're really dumb."

"Works for me."

"Good, let's go kill stuff with extreme prejudice and unlock some doors!" Maddie runs away, then Jill shrugs and follows.


I'd like to thank my editor Arnen, who has co-authored with me in Random Parodies.

Arnen takes over and adds stuff in after her editing

Muhahaha! I am the super-editor! dons a cape and leaps from a random building


"I have Mountain Dew in my lungs!" -April, after swallowing Mountain Dew the wrong way.