Superman Returns; the Parody
By Adrian Tullberg.
Scene: a legal firm. Several people are seated while a lawyer is reading aloud from a document titled 'Christopher Reeve's Last Will and Testiment'.
Lawyer: ... and in closing, I beseech that whomever is in charge of the next Superman movie please strike 'Superman III and IV' from continuity.
Several movie executives turn their heads towards Bryan Singer, who shrugs, and starts tearing half the pages from a movie screenplay.
SINGER: Don't know about you, but this saves me a shitload of screentime.
Movie Executive: Ah, what's ... you know, 'continuity'?
Singer takes out a cell phone.
SINGER: (on phone) Vanessa? Bryan. Looks like I'll be stuck here for a while. Can you do me a favour and reschedule lunch for dinner?
Movie Executive: Can you use the finger puppets again?
SINGER: A late dinner.
A bunch of ads for merchandise relating to Superman returns plays before the preview, ALIENATING everyone in the cinema from buying it.
CAPS BEGIN THE IMPORTANT EXPOSITION
In the beginning, there was a great franchise known as 'Superman' held by Warner Bros. Studios. It ascended from popular ground breaking comic book to an essential part of American, and later World Culture.
You would have thought it was impossible to screw that up.
However, a man named Jon Peters got his hands on the franchise rights. His sole function appeared to be to delay the imminent return of this icon to the silver screen, while giving Harry Knowles an increasing threat of an aneurysm, and Kevin Smith one of those convention stories that would be funny if it wasn't true.
Finally, Brian Singer was tempted to Warner Bros, while every X-Man fan wrote off the third movie in the series …
TITLES NEAR EXACTLY REMINICENT OF THE FIRST SUPERMAN MOVIE, WITH LOTS OF ADDED CGI SPACE SCENES.
FOR SOME UNHOLY REASON, JON PETERS IS STILL CREDITED AS PRODUCER ON THIS PROJECT.
A MANSION. A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. YOU JUST KNOW WE'RE GETTING OFF TO A FUN START.
An old lady surrounded by 'House MD's entire medical props inventory.
Old Lady: I know that a man who'd easily condemn the West Coast of America to drown just for a real estate scam was just fooling around, like that delightful Ashton Kutchner on 'Punked'.. And like Ashton, he knows how to bring so much pleasure to a mature woman …
AUDIENCE: Oh God … I just threw up a little in my mouth…
Old Lady: … so screw the rest of my family. Here's the title for my estate.
AUDIENCE: Hang on – Lex Luthor just hung around for an old lady to die? Where's the intelligence and burning ambition that makes him a credible threat to Superman? What kind of criminal mastermind is that?
LUTHOR: Well, all I really wanted was that cool boat. But … thanks anyway.
Luthor hands his toupee to a young child.
LUTHOR: Here kid, this is what happened to your pet dog
The kid SCREAMS while Luthor heads off to his new boat with the maid.
A pickup pulls away from the monthly KENT HOMESTEAD SWINGER'S PARTY.
While MARTHA KENT is washing the dishes, a massive electromagnetic wave envelops Kansas, and a gigantic flaming meteor crashes down in the middle of a cornfield in the dead of night – and for some reason, NOBODY NOTICES.
While investigating, Martha finds a passed-out Superman in her backyard wearing a skintight rubber suit.
MARTHA: Welcome home son! Good to see you haven't changed …
A boat is PLOUGHING through ROUGH SEAS. Kumar is at the helm.
In the luxuriously appointed stateroom, Luthor is talking to the maid.
KITTY: Lex, your friends give me the creeps.
LUTHOR: Prison is a creepy place, Kitty. One needs to make creepy friends who haven't yet found other men attractive to survive. Even a man with my vast talents is worth less inside than a sixty-seven year old who can remove his dentures at will. Damn, I miss my wife.
Lex Luthor then provides the exposition to Kitty.
LUTHOR: Have you know the story of Prometheus? No, of course you don't. Prometheus was a god who stole the power of fire from the other gods…
KITTY: No, Prometheus was a Titan, one of the guys who came before the Greek Pantheon.
Luthor stares at Kitty.
KITTY: I use Google!
LUTHOR: Who's the smart one in this flick?
LUTHOR: Basically, it's all about the technology. You see, whoever controls technology controls the world. The Roman Empire ruled the world because they built roads. The British Empire ruled the world because they built ships. America, the atom bomb, mass production, carpet bombing, cultural imperialism, a MacDonalds on every street corner, and so on and so forth. I just want what Prometheus wanted – to give every pyromaniac the ability to really express himself. And … I want to engage in a little mass murder in the process.
In the Arctic, Luthor and Co. find A MASSIVE GGI RENDERED FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.
KUMAR: Is this his house?
LUTHOR: You might think so, most would. This is more of a monument to a long dead and extremely powerful civilization. This where he learned who he came from. This is where he came for guidance. And this is where I discovered that the Kryptonians, while being thousands of years ahead of our own, were somehow incapable of putting any form of lock or password on their stuff. I'll take these crystals … you find his toothbrush.
SUPERMAN wakes up in the Kent farm.
Wandering outside, he has a quick, anachronistic flashback, then just to annoy the dog, throws a baseball to the next state.
SINGER: Other parts were my homage to the Donner films, this was my homage to the concept of SuperDick.
Superman checks the news since he's been gone.
SUPERMAN: They elected that guy … ? Irregularities in Florida's voting process and they didn't recall …? What hit the World Trade Towers? Invading Afghanistan? Homeland Security? What's this … Patriot Act? Invading Iraq? But Saddam Hussein was never a threat … Star Trek cancelled? They voted for him again? No-Bid contracts for this one company, every time? How long to respond to Hurricane Katrina? The Vice President shot somebody in the face? Somehow, I suspect I chose the exact wrong time to go on vacation.
Ma Kent wanders into the living room.
SUPERMAN: Don't worry, I buried it this morning.
SUPERMAN: In the fields
MARTHA: The cornfields.
MARTHA: Where I currently grow crops.
SUPERMAN: Ah ... by definition, you did. You weren't depending on them for anything important, were you?
MARTHA: Oh, just for something called an income, dear, nothing important.
SUPERMAN: That's good. Ma. Ma?
MARTHA: Five years.
She turns to Clark.
MARTHA: If your father was still alive, he would have invited the whole frickin' town for a celebration when you left. I almost gave up hope, but I'd thought I'd never see you again …
Martha hugs him.
MARTHA: … oh Clark, now I remember why I had that party the day you left.
She releases him from his hug.
MARTHA: Did you find what you were looking for?
SUPERMAN: I thought … hoped … there might be survivors. A colony solely consisting of hot Kryptonian chicks desperate for a man to repopulate the species.
MARTHA: And …?
SUPERMAN: The place was a graveyeard. I'm all that's left.
MARTHA: Thank God.
MARTHA: Ah … even if you're the last, you're not alone.
SUPERMAN: I know.
MARTHA: And even if you can't have a fully gratifying sexual encounter for fears of killing a woman, you can still have a relationship based on love, mutual respect and understanding.
SUPERMAN: You have to just rub it in, don't you Ma?
Metropolis. One of the biggest and brightest cities in the world. Sharing a remarkable resemblance to Sydney.
One guy with suitcases walks out he elevator and proceeds to hit everyone he can at groin level with inhuman accuracy.
Random Guy: Ahh!
Random Girl: Watch it, would ya!
Handicapped Man: My kneecap!
Clark Kent meets the one person who's dorkier than him without any effort whatsoever.
JIMMY: Clark! Hey! Buddy! I baked you a cake and everything!
SUPERMAN: Oh Christ… ah, hi, Jimmy …
JIMMY: Chief! Clark's back!
White: I'm the gruff but lovable Editor of the Daily Planet ...
SINGER: Ah Hugh? Sorry about this, but Fox recalled you back for the second season of House. We'll get a replacement.
Hugh Laurie: What? Can't you do something about this? I mean, you are the Executive Producer of the bloody show.
SINGER: Hugh, if you don't get on that plane, those guys will come to your trailer and break your leg for authenticity.
Hugh: (muttering) This never happened at the BBC ... well except that one time when someone dinged Rowan Atkinson's Aston Martin. Are you going to replace me with someone good?
SINGER: We're getting the guy who played Skeletor.
For some reason, Hugh starts getting into character straight away by POPPING A FEW VICODIN.
Clark gets his old job back after years away, despite the fact that this is a major city's biggest newspaper and there must be a thousand applicants for the position.
NASA Press Flack Bobbie Faye: The timing of this automated mission countdown is the most pecarious part of the launch.
LOIS: Lois Lane, Daily Planet. How pleased are you that your five-season stint in La Femme Nikita only got you a role with less screen time than Perry White?
SUPERMAN: Still the bitch I fell in love with.
Clark begins to exhibit the first of many stalker-like activities by STICKYBEAKING around Lois Lane's desk. The first subtle hint that Lois might not be too pleased to see him is the notification of the Pulitzer Prize Lois has won for her editorial piece 'Why the World doesn't need That Bastard who Left Me high and dry Superman'
Then he notices the picture of Lois' new kid and her handbag … I mean, significant other.
JIMMY: Lois Lane is now a mommy.
SUPERMAN: When did she give birth, at fourteen?
Every Conservative Commentator in America: Why that SLUT!
SUPERMAN: So she's married?
JIMMY: Hey, don't ask Miss Lane when she's tying the knot, because … she will staple your nuts to the desk. I'm still in physical therapy.You know what, you look like you can use a drink.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, I've been talking to you for a few minutes…
Luthor and crew arrive back at the mansion.
KITTY: Oh look, somebody remembered to feed the dogs … did anyone remember to feed the dogs … ?
LUTHOR: Now, let's give Kyptonian Crystalline technology a dry run in the train set room.
Clark drinks a Bud. This is the ONLY EVIDENCE of CHARACTER CHANGE in his years-long absence.
Jimmy is sitting next to him, which is not halting his alcohol consumption.
JIMMY: Clark here, has been soul-searching for the last couple of years. He saw lamas.
BARMAN: It must be tough coming back.
SUPERMAN: Er, coming back?
BARMAN: To work. With this guy.
SUPERMAN: Oh yeah. Can you get him away from me?
BARMAN: Some people have pension plans. I got the most irritating guy in Metropolis.
SUPERMAN: Keep 'em coming.
JIMMY: Lois … she'll never tell you this, but she's still wanting a piece of Kryptonian beefcake.
On the jet.
BOBBY: Now, the normal shuttle only had the capacity to carry twenty people at the absolute theoretical maximum, all trained and qualified personnel. But by piggy-backing on this passenger jet allows potentially hundreds of journalists, from experienced writers to ever increasing bloggers who got lucky with a few scoops, to be lethally endangered if any disaster were to occur.
LOIS: Does that mean that there's going to be a disaster?
Bobby grins; it's not nice.
BOBBY: Absolutely …
RANDOM REPORTER: … oh God …
BOBBY: … nothing …
RANDOM REPORTER: She's not speaking for the rest of us!
BOBBY: … can possibly …
RANDOM REPORTER: Lois you stupid whore!
BOBBY: … go wrong.
RANDOM REPORTER: We're all gonna die!
Back in the train room, Kumar places a Crystal Fragment in a pool of water, resulting in an electromagnetic pulse wiping out the whole city electrical systems, and the shuttle launch.
BOBBY: Beg for mercy, slut.
LOIS: Shove it up your ass, you …
BOBBY: There's nothing to worry about.
RANDOM REPORTER: Don't egg her on Lane!
At the train room, everyone has backed to a safe distance while Kumar, unable to take a hint, is still staring at the water.
SIR RICHARD BRANSON: Attention everyone. If it's Virgin, buy it. Oh, one more thing – we can't disengage from the plane, and will soon go into an uncontrollable rocket ride out of the atmosphere. Remember, Virgin Airlines, Virgin Megastores, Virgin Credit Cards.
BOBBY: Don't be alarmed, it's perfectly normal.
LOIS: If we all charge, we can stop her.
RANDOM REPORTER: You could have stopped her Lane! You could have stopped her!
At the bar, news of the impending emergency is on the screen.
JIMMY: I think we should …
Clark has left.
It is only after stiffing Jimmy with the tab that Clark realises that the shuttle is in danger, and runs towards camera to reveal the mighty 'S' – which NEARLY MISSES THE REVEAL. Seriously.
Lois is slammed around the jet cabin at high speed observed my many strangers, and hit by several assorted objects. Oddly, this reminds her of most of the STUDENT PARTIES she attended at college.
Superman saves the shuttle, then goes after the falling plane. For some reason, he grabs THE TIP of the wing rather than the STRUCTURAL HARD POINT where the engine in located.
After tearing off the wing, Superman decides to STOP ARSING ABOUT and grabs the plane by the nosecone, slowing the plane down and placing it on a baseball field.
Superman enters the airliner.
SUPERMAN: Well I hope this experience hasn't put you off movie homages. Statistically speaking, it's not a total rip off evidencing that the writers can't think of anything else to say, it's a loving dedication to the film that was before it.
Superman flies off to the adulation of the crowd, and Lois faints, in a completely unsimilar fashion to how Lois fainted in the original Superman film. Honest.
Perry is milking his few minutes of screen time.
PERRY: I want to know everything. Olson, I want to see photos of him everywhere. Tasteful ones this time. Sports, is it worth having a sports section now that there's a superstrong, superfast man around? Travel; where did he go? Did he bring back any incurable rashes? Gossip; has he done Paris Hilton? If anyone could survive, he can. Fashion; why the hell is he going with burgundy instead of red? Health; is his costume change related to mental illness? Business; now that he's back, a powerful force dedicated to peace, can Halliburton still maintain it's stock price? Politics; does he still stand for Trusth, Justice … all that stuff?
RANDOM REPORTER: The American Way?
PERRY: Listen, we're trying to get a good international box office.
LOIS: Gil, how many 'f's in 'catastrophic'?
PERRY: Lois, the only thing separating you from being a reporter and a career as a middle class stay-at-home prostitute is a functioning spellcheck.
Perry ushers Lois into his office. Clark IGNORES BASIC PRIVACY and starts listening in.
LOIS: I wanna do the electromagnetic pulse.
PERRY: You have to do Superman, you can't do the electromagnetic pulse.
LOIS: I wanna!
PERRY: Tough tittie. And both my nephew and your son gave me confirmation.
RICHARD: Hi honey.
LOIS: Have you been talking to your uncle about our sex life?
RICHARD: My mom's been nagging me about opening up with uncle Perry on common interests.
PERRY: And getting screwed by you is pretty much number one.
JASON: Hi. I'm here on a mission to aggravate every fan in existence.
Jason then takes a huge, melodramatic toke on his asthma inhaler.
JASON: Who're you?
SUPERMAN: I'm Clark. Kent. I'm a friend of your mom's from before you were born.
JASON: Really? She only mentioned you as a casual acquaintance that she would have to be inhumanly drunk before offering you anything remotely resembling pity sex.
SUPERMAN: Really? That drunk?
LOIS: Jason? What's you're doing here?
JASON: Daddy's office is boring. And all the fun stuff is locked away.
LOIS: Clark! Hey! Welcome back!They do a pretty awkward hug/air kiss
LOIS: I see you've already met the munchkin …
SUPERMAN: I see your hair hasn't receded as much as Jimmy said it did.
LOIS: Have you taken your vitamins?
JASON: I'm taking them mommy, they just aren't doing me squat.
LOIS: Jason's a little fragile. But mommy is gonna put her little man in a big strong box and is never gonna let him out for the big bad world to hurt him, isn't that right honey?
JASON: Mr. Kent, what's sex? Daddy says that if mommy keeps on acting like this, I'm never gonna get any.
LOIS: So, I want to hear all about your years long trip! Where'd you go? You'd you see? What souvenirs did you get? What anecdotes do you have? What tattoos did you wake up with? Are both your kidneys still in your body?
SUPERMAN: I … er … fuck.
RICHARD: Where's my little guy? Hey, here I am, making a very lucrative career as the human barrier between a top billing hero and the girl.
LOIS: Richard's an assistant editor here, who basically saved our International section. He's also a pilot and loves horror movies. He's a five star French and Italian chef, inheritor of a five million dollar trust fund, and threatened to break my gynecologist's fingers when I complained his hands were cold.
SUPERMAN: Must … control … fist … of death…
RICHARD: Hey, I've heard so much about you.
RICHARD: Yeah, Jimmy won't shut up about you. It's great that he's finally found someone.
SUPERMAN: Oh … crap …
LOIS: Gotta go. Got to do the Superman thing. I swear, go out with a guy once, and everyone thinks you still have his number.
The place where Luthor's parked his boat.
LUTHOR: Superman's back. Could be a damper on my plans.
A van shows up, with Kumar and Crew.
KUMAR: Hey, we got the Russian missile launcher!
LUTHOR: You realise that you could have safely and cheaply bought that thing on the black market without endangering yourself or this operation?
Clark and Lois leave the Daily Planet.
LOIS: Clark, can I ask you something? Have you ever met someone, who it seems like you come from totally different worlds, but you shared such a strong connection that you knew you were destined to be with each other, or at least make each other very miserable for a very long time – then he just takes off, without explaining why or saying goodbye!
SUPERMAN: Just maybe, he was trying to say goodbye, but the bitch wouldn't shut up long enough for him to get a word in edgeways.
LOIS: What? How hard is it to get me to shut up?
SUPERMAN: I'd like to tell you Lois, but I want to get back to my place before the weekend.
Clark waits until Lois leaves before flying off, and Super-Stalker starts watching her and her family in her house. There's a boy in need of some therapy.
RICHARD: Lois … that article you wrote …
LOIS: Why the World Doesn't Need Superman?
RICHARD: The other one – 'I Did Superman and all you other bitches can suck on it'.
LOIS: That … was … your uncle Perry's idea.
RICHARD: He's not that much of a pervert.
LOIS: Richard …
RICHARD: Okay, maybe he is. He's seen some weird stuff in his career and done most of it …
LOIS: … it was a long time ago.
RICHARD: Were you in love with him?
LOIS: Ah … er …. Um … no.
RICHARD: Good enough for me!
Superman flies off, and hears the voice of Jor-El in the back of his mind.
JOR-EL: Even though you have been raised as a human being, you are not one of them, and can use that whole alien culture thing as an excuse why you never call them back. Trust me, there's plenty of dumb broads it'll work on. They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show them the way. For this reason above all; their capacity to be fooled by a different hairstyle and a pair of thick glasses. For this reason, I have sent them you, my only son.
Superman flies above the planet, and hears everything.
SUPERMAN: Jesus Christ. And people with spam complain?
And he hears an alarm bell. Grateful for the distraction, he heads towards the robbery in progress.
One of the robber's assemble a GIGANTIC CHAIN-FED CANNON on a CUSTOM MADE CRANE that probably cost more than the robbery could possibly net. He also proceeds to fire it at the police instead of flying away in the helicopter.
Several security guards fire, revealing the robbers have armoured vests that can take several aimed rounds from .357 revolvers. Those cost as well.
Superman goes BULLET TIME against the chain gun monster. The robber fires a round into Superman's face, and the bullet crumples against Superman's eyeball. You know, this would have been a lot more impressive if we didn't see it in about three different versions of the trailer.
A car plunges through Metropolis' dining areas, Kitty at the helm, until stopped by Superman.
Meanwhile, Luthor is going to the only place where you can find Kryptonite in a movie; a museum with a mineral sample from Addis Ababa.
SUPERMAN: Are you alright Miss?
KITTY: My heart … palpitations … I have palpitations …
SUPERMAN: No you don't.
KITTY: Yes. Fly me to the hospital.
SUPERMAN: No you don't trust me.
KITTY: Are you medically qualified or something?
SUPERMAN: X-Ray vision? It's like I have that CGI inside the body effect they show on House, all the time. You're fine.
KITTY: Listen, get me to a hospital, and I'll give you a blowjob, okay?
SUPERMAN: Out of the way, sick girl coming through!
In the Daily Planet newsroom, TVs show clips of Superman saving people all over the world.
PERRY WHITE: Why am I paying a professional photographer to remain on staff when the best Superman photos are taken by kids on camera phones?
SUPERMAN: You wanted to see me?
PERRY WHITE: Yeah. Lois is sticking with this EMP thing instead of trying to entice Superman into an interview.
LOIS: Hey, I've done Superman …
LOIS: … covered him.
PERRY WHITE: Well, you can do him again.
LOIS: Chief, there are a dozen other stories out there.
PERRY WHITE: Name one.
LOIS: Lex Luthor?
PERRY WHITE: He's old news.
JIMMY: So nobody would be interested in the current activities of someone who's attempted an unprecedented act of mass murder?
SUPERMAN: How did Luthor get out?
JIMMY: Superman was called as an appeal witness, and didn't show.
SUPERMAN: So the evidence linking Luthor with tampering with two weapons of mass destruction, trespass and sabotaging United States Military weaponry, the geological research performed by Luthor indicating his intentions to trigger the San Andreas Fault and murdering at least one Metropolis Police Detective didn't count?
PERRY: Lois, Superman. Kent, blackout.
On Luthor's boat, Kitty is pissed.
KITTY: You really sabotaged my brakes!
LUTHOR: Duh. X-Ray Vision. It's like that CGI effect on House …
KITTY: Forget it. I gotta get some mouthwash …Back in the Planet Newsroom …
RICHARD: You know, Clark looks like Superman … Clark Kent's just returned after a long absence, like Superman …
Lois cracks up.
LOIS: Don't be silly, Clark isn't Superman!
RICHARD: But, you know…
LOIS: It's inconceivable that Clark could be Superman all this time!
RICHARD: He could just put on his glasses, wear different colours besides red, blue and yellow, change his posture, read a book on method acting…
LOIS: It's inconceivable that a top notch reporter would not notice something so obvious and if it ever got out that she was fooled for all this time she'd be an unemployable laughing stock! Got it?
RICHARD: Got it. Clark can't be Superman.
Lois goes on the roof for a smoko.
SUPERMAN: You know, you really shouldn't smoke Miss Lane.
LOIS: And you shouldn't spy on every person on the planet.
SUPERMAN: It's a hobby.
LOIS: I'll bet.
SUPERMAN: By the way, you're out of milk. A lot of people have been asking questions about me. And it's only fair … I answer … people … and stuff.
LOIS: So … you're here for an interview … ?
Lois goes looking in her purse.
LOIS: Okay … where did I put that thing … ?
SUPERMAN: Right pocket. Next to your birth control pills.
LOIS: I've forgotten how much …
SUPERMAN: … you missed me?
LOIS: … you creeped me out. Let's start with the big question. Where'd you go?
SUPERMAN: To Krypton.
LOIS: Dude, Krypton go 'splody.
SUPERMAN: I had to see it for myself. I mean … aren't there people who go to places where great disasters happen to their people, to see if they can find something … anything there?
LOIS: Yeah. Graverobbers. And now you're back. And everyone's happy.
SUPERMAN: Not everyone.
LOIS: You ditched me. And I moved on. So did the rest of us. Trust me, the world doesn't need a saviour.
SUPERMAN: Wanna fly?
SUPERMAN: Come on.
SUPERMAN: Come ooonnnn …
LOIS: Oh, okay. Geez, it's like taking care of a baby. You know, Clark said the reason you left without saying goodbye is that I talk too much.
SUPERMAN: Lois, I saw you once make a taxi driver beg to shut you up.
LOIS: Well, Richard – he's a pilot. He takes me up all the time.
SUPERMAN: Your next serious boyfriend is someone who … also … flies?
LOIS: Shut up.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, you moved on. Real far.
LOIS: Shut up.
SUPERMAN: From the guy who does it freestyle to the guy with training wheels.
LOIS: Shut up or I get everyone in Metropolis to sing 'Achy Breaky Heart' twenty four seven.
They fly high above Metropolis.
SUPERMAN: Listen. What do you hear?
SUPERMAN: I hear everything. You wrote that the world doesn't need a savior. But every day I hear people crying for one.
LOIS: Do you have any idea how fucking pretentious that sounds?
SUPERMAN: Ah …
LOIS: Just take me back, okay? I've got no idea how much this film is gonna pander to your messianic complex.
Superman takes her back to the Planet roof, just after taking her near her place to remind her that he knows where she lives.
Perry White's office.
White: Good work. Now get ready to accept your Pulitzer.
LOIS: I want to do the blackout!
White: You can do the blackout when you're good, okay?
Only now does Superman return to the Fortress and find his stuff has been stolen.
SUPERMAN: Goddamn it! As soon as I brush my teeth I'm going to find those guys!Three minutes Later
Lois is still doing reporter stuff.
LOIS: After hours of painstaking research I've pinpointed the source of the massive blackout to one address, something that no electrical company, disaster agency or federal authority could do! Yay me! Yet … I get the feeling there's something I overlooked …
RANDOM REPORTER: Hey, don't you have a son to pick up from school?
Lois picks up her son and heads straight to Luthor's mansion. Dragging her son along, she enters Luthor's boat, somehow MISSING the RUSSIAN MISSILE LAUNCHER bolted on the stern, and manages to get caught inside.
LUTHOR: You're surprised to see me here?
LUTHOR: So the fact that I, an unprecedented criminal mastermind, married a wealthy widow and inherited all her worldly goods and assets somehow managed to stay completely off the radar? No relative leaked the fact to prompt an investigation that would have frozen my assets in an act of revenge? No servant reported this for a quick buck?
LOIS: Yeah, pretty much.
LUTHOR: No wonder 'investigative reporting' is the current oxymoron.
Now Lois and son are headed out to sea with Luthor, Kitty, the cannibal dog and Kumar and Krew.
Clark comes into the Daily Planet, and despite all his powers, and knowing the only person who knew about the Fortress, can't seem to find several objects made of a material not found on this planet.
White: Lois has vanished. Help her man find her.
Back on the boat, Luthor is getting on with explaining his Master Plan (TM) showing off the Crystals that are only in a piece of black cloth, instead of an armoured attaché case or anything else that SANE PEOPLE would put VALUABLE STUFF.
LUTHOR: Okay, this is what I'm going to do. I've got Kryptonian technology, and instead of legally patenting, licensing, and making billions from selling unique methods and products that only I solely understand, I'm going to use it to grow a brand new continent, killing countless billions through displacement of water, and making enemies with every nation on the planet. It's kinda my thing.
LOIS: That … makes no real sense …
LUTHOR: C'mon. Let me hear it just once.
LOIS: You're insane.
LUTHOR: No! Not that. The other thing. I know it's on the tip of your tongue. Just let me hear it once. Please …
LOIS: Superman will never …
Everybody stops, and stares at Luthor.
LUTHOR: I … I meant … wrong. I meant to say 'wrong'. Damn Tourettes. Well, anyway, I got the Kryptonite, so I'm covered. Mind if I check who's the kid's dad is?
Luthor waves the Kryptonite cylinder in Jason's face, and seems satisfied with that, despite the other various tests and samples somebody could take to determine paternity or human genetic characteristics.
Back at the Planet, it's revealed that Lois didn't trust her significant other with her password.
RICHARD: Let's see … 'Jason' … no … 'Richard' … no …
SUPERMAN: Try 'Superman's foot long love muscle'
The password is a success.
RICHARD: How did you know?
SUPERMAN: (Trying to conceal a smug look) Oh, lucky guess.
Jason plays the piano with a criminal with a Joker tattoo. In the DC Universe, that's generally considered a Bad Thing ™
Lois uses her son as a distraction while faxing for help, but is interrupted by another massive EMP.
In the Planet, Clark is unaware of what is happening, despite knowing the technology better than anyone.
Joker-Tattoo is finds out about Lois' trying call for help, and is beating her up until Jason PUSHES THE PIANO into the thug. Then Jason's parentage is only hinted at throughout the rest of the film.
KUMAR: Boss, the kid killed Brutus with a piano.
LUTHOR: Okay, instead of (a) killing a dangerous threat straight away or (b) getting a valuable hostage, we're just going to leave them here on the boat.
At the Planet, they receive Lois' fax, and both Richard and Superman head off to get her – but the ever expanding new landmass forces Superman to save the city instead of the girl.
Superman flies around, saving people, vapourising glass, catching landmarks, stuff that looks PHENOMENALLY EXPENSIVE. Jimmy finally justifies his pay.
Lois and Jason are saved by Richard, but they fail to get out of the pantry when a crystal punctures Luthor's boat.
Superman saves them, and heads off to Luthor's Island.
Despite the fact that Superman has spent years away from a yellow sun, and only recently become 'energised' back to full capacity, he doesn't notice when his powers crap out long enough for a middle aged man to push him down a small hill.
Lois wakes up in Richard's plane
LOIS: Richard? Honey? We have to remind Superman that Luthor's Isle is mixed with Kryptonite.
Back on the Island.
LUTHOR: Hah! What do you think of that? I've imbued the properties of Kryptonite throughout the entire island!
SUPERMAN: Hang on … you have the ability to replicate Kryptonite on a massive scale, or a substance which has virtually the same effect?
LUTHOR: Yeah …
SUPERMAN: You have the technology to create a whole land-mass worth of this stuff. Yet you didn't sell samples to every government, aerospace/military corporation, political group, intelligence agency, military organization, militia group, criminal gang, terrorist group and the suitably wealthy and paranoid who would have paid billions to have the ability to kill me or at least keep me at bay?
LUTHOR: Luthor thinks.
SUPERMAN: I mean, seriously, did you have a dentist's appointment or something that couldn't wait for a few days before creating the world's ugliest island? You couldn't have taken a week off to spread the word that you could mass produce the one thing that could kill me?
LUTHOR: Kill him!
Kumar and goons beat up Superman, then, to further inspire the 'Superman Jesus' crowd, Luthor stabs Superman with his Kryptonite shiv.
Talkbackers at Ain'titcoolNews: GAY!
LUTHOR: Whu … ?
Talkbackers at Ain'titcoolNews: GAY!
LUTHOR: Hang on, I'm trying to kill …
Talkbackers at Ain'titcoolNews: GAY!
Singer: People, this isn't remotely sexual, he's trying to murder his mortal enemy!
Talkbackers at Ain'titcoolNews: GAY!
Bryan Singer stops, and waits for a minute.
Then he opens his mouth.
Talkbackers at Ain'titcoolNews: GAY!
Singer: Oh for Christ's sake.
They then chuck him off a cliff.
Richard and Lois search the area. To further tease the audience, Jason is the first to spot Superman, who is barely visible in choppy seas.
After recovering, and escaping the Island, the Kryptonite shiv is extracted from Superman's body.
SUPERMAN: Thanks. Gotta go.
LOIS: You're badly injured and you're powers are barely recovering. What the hell are you thinking?
SUPERMAN: Near the end of the movie.
LOIS: Oh. Catch ya later.
Superman flies towards the sun for a very picturesque shot, then plunges under the ocean.
KITTY: So, we're just gonna hang around on the island?
KITTY: How are we gonna profit from that?
LUTHOR: Hey, I'm more of a big picture guy.
The island shakes – and parts of it crashes onto Kumar and crew.
LUTHOR: Gotta go!
Luthor and Kitty get on the helicopter, and Kitty dumps the crystals out of the plane in a sudden attack of conscience.
LUTHOR: Damn. With the ability to replicate this stuff on mass, you would have thought I would have taken the time to make backups of these critical components.
The entire island shakes, and lifts into the air, Superman picking up the entire island which rendered him powerless a few minutes ago, with pure Kryptonite crystals growing inches away from him.
The island is thrown out of Earth's atmosphere – and Superman crash lands in Metropolis.
Lois goes to see Superman in hospital with Jason.
JASON: Is he going to be alright?
LOIS: I hope so. This franchise won't go far without him.
JASON: Mommy, why do I want to ask him for money?
Lois sits down next to Superman.
LOIS: I don't know if you can hear me, or if you can see me. So I'm going to tell you what I'm wearing under this coat …
Lois starts whispering in his ear before she leaves.
Luthor and Kitty are stuck on a desert island pretty close to the mainland USA.
KITTY: So we didn't have enough gasoline for a trip to the mainland?
LUTHOR: I said: I'M A BIG PICTURE GUY!
KITTY: Can't we use the radio or your phone to call for help?
LUTHOR: I told you before, my cell phone was STOLEN from me in THE PARK!
Despite being the patient everyone's talking about, in a fully staffed hospital under constant guard, and being attached to an alarm monitor, Superman manages to wake up and leave the hospital undetected.
Feeling like he's earned some 'me' time, he decides to watch Jason in his sleep, unannounced, in the dead of night.
SUPERMAN: You will be different. Sometimes you will feel like an outcast. But you'll never be alone. Because I'm watching. All the time. You will make my strength your own, you will take quotes from great actors, and try, to make them your own. The father becomes the son, and the son, the father. And the guy who looks after you and wrote his name as 'Dad' on the birth certificate is gonna get a real big surprise when you accidentally shove the family cat through a concrete wall.Lois catches Superman hovering around her son
Lois: Will we see you? Around?
SUPERMAN: I'm always around.He smiles
SUPERMAN: Goodnight Lois. Love the bra.
With that, Superman flies into the air, where he's capable of watching EVERYONE ON THE PLANET AT ONCE.