Totally Sex

A Totally Spies sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---7:29 PM The Center---

"Ohhh!" moaned Cumalover, awakening to find herself tied to an operating table. "What a dream! ButtMunch was back and ohmyGod! It really is Jim Druse! Eeee!"

"Mein Gott, voman! Control yourself!" demanded the Teutonic terror, Dr. Butten Munchen. "If you faint again, I'll never get to der part vhere I brag about mein plot!"

"I fainted? In front of Jim Druse?" said a frantic Cumalover. "Oh no! I'm so embarrassed!"

"That's okay." said soft-spoken actor Jim Druse. "I get that a lot."

"Really? Well, just so you know, I don't usually do that sort of thing and..." continued Cumalover.

"E-nuff!" commanded ButtMunch. "Iz my turn to talk! Are you not vondering how I, Dr. Butten Munchen, vill take over der vorld?"

"Oh, it's obviously some freaky thing involving people's butts!" answered Cumalover flippantly. "Really, Doc, get a good M.O., like that ToyMaker guy! Keep it to yourself, but we put him on W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s payroll! Now let me get back to swimming in those oceanic eyes! Sighhh."

"No! You vill listen to me!" said the annoyed Doc BM. "It iz common fallacy that only bad vaste passes through colon and out anus! Iz not true! Nearly all iz gut, but unneeded by body! Very inefficient!"

"You going anywhere with this? I don't want to miss my appointment for updating my body jewelry!" said Cumalover sarcastically. "It's so gauche to wear last year's jewelry!"

"Soon, you vill not have to vorry about your piercings any longer!" chortled ButtMunch. "For you vill be a new voman!"

"Okay, I know I'm going to regret this," said a weary Cumalover, "but why?"

"Ahhh!" said ButtMunch gleefully. "For Dr. Butten Munchen's patented ButtPlug system uses all ze gut bioproducts uf der colon to construct endocrinic web that not only provides mental und physical cuntrol uf der person..."

"So the way to a man's, or woman's, heart is through his or her ass?" snapped Cumalover. "Heck, I think Alicks already knows that!"

"Hmphh!" harrumphed Doc BM.

"Hey, you're the one who paused!" explained Cumalover. "Everyone knows when that happens, the hero (me, of course!) is supposed to make some witty comment!"

"Der pause vas merely for dramatic effect, mein dear!" retorted ButtMunch.

"Oh, then get on with it!" said an annoyed Cumalover. "Do your big reveal! You know you want to!"

"Ahem..." continued ButtMunch "...but it also constructs a replica uf der person, also under mein control, und all then spread der buttplug/mind control 'infection'! They fuck der friend in der ass, and der friend fucks another in der ass, and so on and so on until der whole vorld is under mein control! Also, iz gut filter! Very little actual vaste iz passed! Recycling iz gut, no? As der Vice-President said, all must do our part, ja? And virtually undetectable! Not like der one found by your W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents!"

"Wait! Hold on! Back up! I mean... a replica of the person? A clone?" asked a stunned Cumalover.

"Iz not clone. Not qvite. But iz very much like person. Iz made of same stuff." corrected ButtMunch. "You haff met some already. Der boys on der bus were replicas uf Mr. Druse here."

"They were replicants of Jim Druse? No wonder they were so dreamy!" said the smitten Cumalover. "But ick! They were made out of shit? Now I'm glad I didn't have sex with any of them!" said Cumalover, gagging.

"Iz not shit. All gut tings only." said the pleased Buttmunch. "But are you not vondering vhat part our Mr. Druse plays in this, hmmm?"

"Don't really want to know that part!" admitted Cumalover. "But it's not like I can stop you! Fire away!"

"For mein buttplug plan to succeed, I needed a delivery system no vun could resist!" gloated the Derriere Doc. "Do you know der secret to Mr. Druse's success as a moving picture actor?" inquired Dr. Munchen.

"You mean besides his dreamy eyes and orgasmic smile? Eeeee!" squealed Cumalover.

"Not qvite, mein dear!" retorted Doc BM. "Mr. Druse possesses pheromones so poverful, they seep into der film used to record him!"

"Really?" said a surprised Cumalover.

"Afraid so." said the beaming Jim Druse.

"In fact, his pheromones are so poverful, even lesbians fall in love vith him!" said Doc ButtMunch.

"You know, I always wondered about that!" replied Cumalover.

"Did you think it vas his acting? Hovever," continued ButtMunch, "vith der advent of digital film, Mr. Druse's career shall be, hov you say, in the crapper! Therefore, vhile he still retains pover, he has decided to aid me in mein scheme to take over der vorld!"

"B-but why?" asked a puzzled Cumalover. "What's in it for you, Jim? You're already a super-mega celebrity!"

"Because psychiatry should be outlawed!" insisted the diminitive dramatist. "And this is my one chance to make that happen!"

"Huh?" said the clueless Cumalover. "I don't get it!"

"Because psychiatry is a pseudo science!" explained Jim.

"Still not getting it!" snapped Cumalover.

"Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do." pointed out Jim Druse.

"O-kay." said Cumalover, not wanting to believe one of her very favorite movie actors ever is a total wackjob. "So, Doc, why'd you hook up with Mr. Druse here? You got something against psychiatry too?"

"Nein, Miss Cumalover." replied ButtMunch."But vhen vun desires to take over der vorld, one can not be choosy about vun's allies. Nnnnhhh. Vhat are you gonna do?", he said resignedly, throwing up his hands.

"But enuff uff this!" exclaimed ButtMunch. "Time for der show! Mr. Druse, if you vould please?"

So saying, Doc BM hits a switch and Cumalover's operating table rotates until Cumalover is sitting on top the table in a doggie position, still bound, with her ass facing Jim Druse.

"Hey! Wait a minute! You're not going to..!" said a shocked Cumalover.

"Butt uff course, mein dear! Ha! I made der funny!" laughed the twisted ButtMunch. "Vhat did you expect? Soon you vill be part of mein army that takes over der world!"

"But I've never, you know…" offered Cumalover.

"Your glorious rear entrance is virgin, liebchen? Mein Gott! How vonderful this vill be for you then!" said ButtMunch.

"Don't worry, Cumalover", reassured Jim Druse, "it'll be okay. You know what I say: Show me the buns-ey!"

"Okay, Jimmy! For you, I'll do it! Sighhhh" sighed Cumalover, as she seductively sways her curvy rear end towards Jim.

"How vonderful!" exclaimed Buttmunch, as he pats Cum's rump. "Ah, Cumalover! Alicks may have der most amazing ass, but yours is so very pretty, ja, Jim? So round und firm und..."

"Eww!" cried Cumalover. "You're only, like, old enough to be my uncle, Doc!"

"So?" replied Dr. BM. "Mr. Druse iz older than me!"

"Whatever!" bitched Cumalover. "Hey, Doc, this being my first time and all, I should look my best. Can you put my lipstick on me?" asked Cumalover, sweetly, as she bats her eyes at the obviously smitten Dr. ButtMunch.

"Va?" said the slightly stunned Dr. Munchen. "If this iz some trick..?"

"I'm still chained up to your sex table!" smiled the crafty Cumalover. "How's a little lipstick supposed to defeat you? Come on, put it on...wait! Lip gloss first! The clear one!"

"Vait a minute!" said a puzzled ButtMunch. "Der lipstick is for der lips, and der gloss is to protect der lips from der lipstick?"

"You wear shoes AND socks, don't you?" offered Cumalover. "I don't have time to go into it! Now put the lavender lipstick on...does that look like lavender? That's green! Hello! Okay! There you go! Thanks, Doc! You're a peach!"

Sucker! thought Cumalover, as she applies her considerable osculation ability to her bonds, which promptly freeze. Flexing her muscles, the chains shatter easily, freeing Cumalover to deliver a roundhouse kick to Jim Druse behind her which sends him flying into the wall. Flipping end over end, she lands in front of the shocked Dr. Butten Munchen and delivers an uppercut to his jaw, knocking him out.

As Cumalover ties up the world-menacing Doc and Jim Druse, Jim moans.


"Oh, Jimmy!" cried Cumalover, kneeling in front of her movie hero. "I didn't mean to hurt you! But I couldn't let you take over the world, either! You understand, right?"

"Sure, Cumalover!" said the dreamy Jim Druse, flashing his million-dollar smile. "You were right to stop me. I've seen the error of my ways. I won't do it again. Honest. So why don't you let me go?"

"I don't know, Jim!" replied an ambivalent Cumalover. "We're not supposed to do that."

"I can make it worth your while." offered Jim, pumping out his pheromones non-stop. "I've always wanted to do it with a real secret agent ever since I played one in my movie!"

"Really?" said the totally sexed-up sex agent Cumalover, tiny dildos popping out of her eyes. "Oh, why not? It's not like I'll have an opportunity like this again! Okay! But you have to promise me you won't escape or do that evil take over the world thing!"

"Honest Injun!" promised the duplicitious drama actor, as Cum undoes his bonds. "Now let me see that great little ass of yours!"

"Oh, Jimmy!" chirped the giddy as a schoolgirl Cumalover. "You don't still have that buttplug/mind control/replicant/infection thing, do you?"

"No, no, of course not!" answered the false-hearted film star. "I got rid of that! me the buns-ey!"

"Vas ist das..?" said a confused Doc ButtMunch as he wakes up and surveys the scene in front of him: Cumalover's anal deflowering!

"Oh, Jim!" yelped Cumalover, as she bends over for the man bent on bending her to his will and taking over the world to stop the evils of psychiatry. "This is just like that movie of yours! They're always so sexy!"

"Which one?" asks Jim, as he presses the tip of his cock against her back door.

"It was...oh wow! Is that it?" squealed Cumalover, as Jim Druse pumps away. "Uh, the one you looked really good in!"

"Frisky Business?"


"Top Bun?"

"Mmmm, no."

"Days of Rumble?"

"No, not that one! It was..."

Meanwhile, Dr. Munchen couldn't believe his eyes! He was defeated, his grand plans in ashes, yet he was now about to succeed because he finally picked the right ally. And also because his opponent was such a fucking slut.

"I got it! Eyes Sewn Shut!" screamed Jim Druse in desperation.

"Huh?" said the clueless Cumalover.

"My sexy movie!"

"Don't remember that one. Sorry."

"With my ex-wife?"

"Uh uh. Doesn't ring a bell!"

"It was directed by one of the greatest directors of all time! God! What's the matter with you?" shouted Jim Druse. "You claim to be a fan, and I pour my heart and soul into making a great film, but you...oh no!"

"What's wrong?" asked Cumalover, noticing her actor-driven anal auto just suffered a flat. "Oh. You know, I was with this guy once when that happened, and..."

"Damnit!" said the frustrated and angry Jim Druse. "Don't you ever shut up?"

"You don't have to be so mean!" replied the hurt Cumalover. "Besides, I was only trying to tell you how I solved this problem once before!"

Va..? thought the devious Doc BM as he witnesses the take over the world plannitus interruptus. Get on with it, you fool! Don't stop now!

"It's also the only way you can shut me up!" said a cheery Cumalover as she turns over, reaches for the flaccid film star's stock, and...places it in her mouth.

"Nein! Nein!" bellowed the belligerent butt doctor. "Der acids in der mouth und..."

"Ohmyfuckinggod! That, that's...ohhhh fuck yeah!" moaned the satisfied star as he releases into Cumalover's mouth.

"...und, und der stomach vill destroy der plug...You fool! You've ruined everything!" screamed the angry ButtMunch.

"Huh?" said Cumalover, swallowing the last of Jim's cum. "Jimmy, you, you lied to me about reforming?"

"Cumalover, it's not like that!" said the movie star/would-be world conqueror, smiling weakly, as pheromones oozed from his every pore in a desperate attempt to forestall his fate.

"Nuh uh, Jimmy!" barked the angry and assertive Cum, holding Mr. Druse by his balls. "I only let guys fuck me over once, big-time super-celebrity movie star or not!"

So saying, Cumalover quickly throws Jim Druse to the ground and ensures he doesn't go anywhere anytime soon.

"How does it feel to be defeated by only one of us, ButtMunch?" gloated Cumalover as she stands over the two foiled foes. "How pathetic are you?"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed the demented Dr. Butten Munchen. "You are too late, mein dear!"

"What are you talking about?" said the puzzled Cumalover. "You're over and done with, and Alicks and Spurnm will be here as soon as they use the indestructible homing device in my cuntpowder to find me!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Cumalover as she examines her broken cuntpowder. "The homing device is gone!"

"I know your tricks, mein dear Cumalover!" retorted ButtMunch. "Vell, maybe nein all uf them, but your friends are not coming. They are too busy valking into mein trap!"

"You fiend!" shrieked Cumalover. "What did you do?"

"Soon they vill be surrounded by Mr. Druse's replicants!" chortled Dr. BM. "And not even your precious Alicks and her vonderful asshole vill be able to stop me as she did before! In fact, she vill not be able to resist! Ha ha hee heee! They vill be undone! And. I. Vill. Vin!"

"Gasp! No! Alicks! Spurnmy!" wailed the stunned secret sex agent.


Spurnm and Alicks vs. an army of evil replicants!

Whatever will they do?

Is this the end of the Totally Sexy Spies?


The statements about psychiatry is what Jim Druse really believes.

(This bit was inspired by South Park's Scientology episode, but the quotes are real! He did say those things!)

One of the oddities of today's cartoons is that, while many comedy cartoons parody real people/things/events, when it comes to action cartoons, not so much. I don't know why. Whatever the reason, it should change. So I put celebrity parody in my TS story. Celebrity parody is a staple of classic parodies. I remember even O.J. Simpson was featured in a few parody comics in the 90s.