Aragorn's Ruff-Tuff-N-Ready Diary

Day One

Picked up a load of idiot hobbits at some inn. They all have obnoxious accents and foot-hair.

Day Two

Trudging around in the woods with Hobbits. Ate a squirrel for dinner.

Day Three

More trudging. Dinner: skunk.

Day Four

Camped on Weathertop. Hobbits too stupid to be left alone for FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES so now Frodo's been stabbed. On the way to Rivendell. Dinner: Nibbled some Kingsfoil, but other than that, nada.

Day Five

Arwen stole Frodo. Now I have my horse back. Dinner: beetle.

Day Eight

Have arrived in Rivendell. We find Frodo has been living it up on a bed of fine white linen all this time. Dinner: Some low-carb thing Arwen cooked.

Day Nine

Escaped to Narsil's chamber to catch up on some reading today, but Boromir came in and bothered me. You'd think the idiot had never seen a sword before. Dinner: roast duck.

Day Ten

Big meeting today. Elrond obviously looking for an excuse to show off his new hairstyle. Getting tired of Arwen's constant whining so signed up for a hopeless quest.

Day Twelve

Ah, wilderness! I have returned to my element! Dinner: fried turtle.

Day Thirteen

Birds flew by today. Legolas complaining about getting leaves in his hair. Honestly, I can't WAIT for the time of the Elves to be over. Dinner: picked the leaves out of Legolas' hair and ate them.

Day Twenty

Except for having an evil wizard try to kill us the hobbits nearly dying of cold, trip over the mountain was uneventful. Dinner: snow (not yellow).

Day Twenty-five

Trip under mountain not so much fun. Somebody keeps poking me in the back but whenever I turn around everybody is looking the other way. I suspect Legolas. Dinner: dead dwarf corpse.

Day Twenty-six

Discovered "Kick Me: I'm not King Yet" sign tapped to back of my cloak. Suspect Boromir. Dinner: ate the sign; a little fiber is good for you!

Day Twenty-seven

Gandalf dead. Must now lead frickin' Fellowship of frickin' idiots. Frick.

Day Thirty

Have reached Lorien. Evil frickin' Elves took me unawares, dragged me off, and forced me to take a bath. Now smell nauseatingly of violets and honey. Hair has disturbing soft texture and I can once again tell what color my toenails are. Must sneak away soon to wallow in dirt and get back to normal! Dinner: too disgusted by hygienic state to eat.

Day Thirty-eight

Finally escaped Lorien. Well, kicked out of Lorien more like. Hobbits kept giving each other swirlies and ruined Galadriel's sewer system. Lorien does not smell like violets and honey anymore. Heehee.

Day Thirty-nine

Dirt building up nicely again as I rolled around in a pile of leaves today and deliberately stepped in deer poop. Dinner: lembas.

Day Forty

Idiot Frodo wandered off in the woods by himself. Apparently Boromir hit on him and he ran off. I would too if Boromir hit on me. Boromir now dead. Have nothing better to do so will try to rescue Merry and Pippin. Dinner: Gimli's boots look kind of tasty…