Gimli's Slightly Exasperated and Highly Put-Upon Diary

Day One

Elves so girly. Everything in Rivendell covered in flowers, embroidery, and perfume.

Day Two

Elrond uses WAYYYY too much cologne. Quite overpowering, really.

Day Three

Got bored today so I took apart some of Elrond's toilets and put them back together again. There were a couple of spare parts left over, but they didn't seem important so I just tossed them in the fishpond.

Day Four

At breakfast Elrond mentioned that one of the second-floor toilets has mysteriously begun to alternate between not flushing and overflowing. He is quite perplexed as it was a family heirloom.


Day Five

It seems that no one knows about my tinkering in the lavatory, so Elrond is not blaming me for the loss of his great-aunt's toilet. Instead he blames the hobbits, who have an apparent fascination with indoor-plumbing and have been taking turns giving each other swirlies all week.

Day Six

This morning I discovered Elrond dusting the bathroom for fingerprints. Apparently the hobbits adamantly deny having anything to do with the toilet malfunction, and he is looking for more suspects. Needless to say, I hurriedly signed up for the sightseeing trip to Mordor, which leaves in the morning.

Day Seven

Out of Rivendell at last! Hobbits very disappointed at the loss of indoor plumbing. Aragorn doesn't seem to care.

Day Thirteen

Yay, we're going through the Moria! Haven't seen cousin Balin in awhile, looking forward to some dwarfish hospitality.

Day Fourteen

Balin dead as a doornail. Possibly deader. Darn.

Day Fifteen

It seems one of the hobbits has awoken an ancient evil that is bent on devouring us all. No time to write: running for our lives.


Gandalf died. All very sad.

Day Eighteen

Lorien is filled with creepy telepaths. Everything is elaborately carved, shine-y and pure. I find myself thinking fondly of Moria.

Day Twenty-four

Have left Lorien at last. I'm very glad to leave since Galadriel had taken to giving me random chunks of her hair, which I found a bit disturbing.

Day Twenty-seven

Well, today's highlight was deep-fried lembas for breakfast. It's been downhill from there. Frodo and Sam have run off, Boromir's dead (okay, no great loss there), Merry and Pippin have been hobbitnapped, Legolas is complaining about orc blood under his nails, and Aragorn is trying to eat my boots. No, really.