A/N: Okay this is definitely a one shot as I'm going to work on a sequel to a Committed Ripperologist after this. This is a bit AU as I don't want old "Am I bovvered?" popping up so imagine that bit doesn't happen after he's said goodbye to Rose. Bit of a song fic with a kind of bittersweet ending.
I own nothing of Doctor Who or the songs I use here which are 'Your Eyes' from Rent and 'There's Me' from Starlight Express. They belong to Jonathan Larson and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
'Your eyes as we said our goodbyes,
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes,
The ones that took me by surprise,
The night you came into my life,
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes.'
He hadn't said it. He felt his throat close as he realised that she was no longer before him. His Rose. He'd had two minutes, two whole minutes to tell her that he loved her and he had wasted it. She'd had the courage to say it out loud and instead of saying it back he'd given her some awful quip about it being quite right that she did and then when he'd seen the pleading in her eyes he'd rambled and wasted time.
'How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day,
Coz there's something I should have told you,
There's something I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes,
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before the song dies,
I should tell you, I should tell you,
I have always loved you,
You can see it in my eyes.'
He thought back over all the times those three little words had been on the tip of his tongue, begging to be released but he'd been too afraid, too caught up in the rules of a world long dead, too caught up in protecting himself from the pain and only now realising that the pain of losing her without telling her was far worse than the pain of losing her if he had. All the time they could have shared as more than just best friends. Yet as ever he had been the coward, running away as he had done so many times before. He felt the tear coursing down his cheek, burning him as he hated its presence, he had no right to feel sorry for himself now. He'd left her with her heart open before him, without the words of comfort she so needed to hear. She would mourn his loss forever, not able to move on because she could never be absolutely sure what he was going to tell her.
Anger boiling over he slammed a hand into the TARDIS console, not caring for the pain or the blood that came after, the physical pain was a welcome relief from the ache in his hearts. A Time Lord with power over the very thing that gave him his name and yet he had wasted the most precious two minutes of his life. The pain in his hand too much he cradled it to his chest and staggered from the control room, bypassing his old room and finding himself once again in the place he had spent every night since he had lost Rose.
He flopped down on the pink bedspread that he had once thought ridiculous and pulled one of her many stuffed animals close to his chest, just to be able to breathe in her still lingering perfume. In his way he was glad Gallifrey was gone, he would have hated his people with all their telepathic abilities to be able to detect his mourning, he would have hated to have them so close and begging them to help him find her only to have them refuse because his feelings for an Earthling child were not right by their rules. At least he could mourn in peace but the peace he had was not a comforting one, it was the peace only found when one is truly and utterly alone.
He felt the adrenaline seeping from his long fatigued body and his wretched sobs became muffled hiccups as he felt his eyelids begin to droop. Praying silently that his dreams for once would bring him solace rather than nightmares he barely heard the faint whisper in his ears but he soon caught it. The voice he couldn't identify. The voice that sounded like Rose…Sarah Jane…Susan…the whole universe all in one heart beat. The voice that echoed within in all the clearer when he had nothing left in the universe.
'All alone, you think you're on your own,
You think there's no one in the world
Who cares for you, that isn't true,
I may not be the one you want to see
But if you need someone whose kind
Then look behind, and then you'll find
The Doctor closed his eyes tightly to better here the faint words, finding his hand clutching to the material of an old, forgotten Union Jack top which he'd so often teased her for. It still smelled of perfume and bomb dust.
'I'll be there, standing by
Never fear, you can cry
In a while, you will smile,
And I'll be there to see.'
Alongside the hum of the song he felt the TARDIS shake as her engines started of their own accord but he paid them know heed, he trusted his ship. His faithful ship.
'Until then, when you're ok again
You'll look around, find I'm no longer there,
I'll still be near somewhere,
You're not alone there's me,
There's always me.'
The Doctor pulled his eyes open for a second before sleep claimed him, laying one hand on the TARDIS wall while the other still gripped Rose's top to his chest and not quite knowing to who he was speaking he whispered the three words that had always terrified him.
"I love you."
Jack smiled as he saw the silent countenance of the sleeping Doctor, his hand curled around a familiar top. He knew the man before him despite his knew appearance, knew from the warmth of the old TARDIS key in his hand. He had seen the list of the dead, he knew what had happened. He perched on the end of the bed and laid a hand over his old friends, whispering so as not to wake him.
"You are not alone."
A/N: A bit sappy I know but I need hope! Miss Rose, love the Doctor. I'm up for the new assistants position if Martha doesn't cut it!