Short Stories with
Memories in f Minor
To my two best friends -
10 miles east out of South Park on a dirt road that's to your left, partially hidden by shrubs you'll come across a crudely made sign. Probably made from the cheapest of plywood, it's held erect by a very wobbly stake in the ground. Spray painted in big bold blue letters it reads:
'The Lord is kind and forgiving, so for the sake of yourself confess to your mess on Tuesdays.'
Then it points in a general direction.
Doesn't that sound like the perfect set up to get robbed, raped, killed or a combination of all three?
Naturally I went. I couldn't help it, I was curious. Not so much because of the message of confession, but because it just so happened to be Tuesday. Turning onto the road I didn't come across any other signs. No "you're almost there" or "turn backs" or anything dramatic like that. Just the dirt road and the hope that I'd learn what that sign was all about.
I think I was expecting something grander, if not dangerous. Maybe the meaning of life, or at the very least my own. Maybe I thought I'd find the answer to questions I didn't know I had. All I found was a clearing before it dropped down the side of the mountain.
Turning off my car I stepped out and looked around thinking maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough. But there wasn't anything. No people, only a few sounds of birds and the sound of water. Which didn't surprise me. If my sense of direction wasn't off I should have been near Park Falls. But still…I wanted to see something more than just the mountain ranges in the distance and the look of deforestation.
I set myself on the hood of my car and looked at the view. It wasn't beautiful and I didn't appreciate it. I'm a mountain kid after all. I grew up in them; they didn't impress me.
Either way I sat there and wondered what I should have done next. I could have simply left but that idea didn't appeal to me. Somehow, someway I was lured here, and not just by the sign, but I was supposed to confess to my mess. So I did just that.
When I decided to do so it was like a bolt of lightening struck me, like the fingers of the Big Guy himself pinched me. I stood on the hood of my car and clenched my hands to my sides as I screamed out my confessions, wondering all the while if anyone was hearing them. Hearing my sins. And fuck, was the list long. I screamed myself hoarse, and then when I couldn't think of anything else I fell off the side of my car and panted.
I must've looked like a fucking head case to the nearby birds. Just another human who'd lost it. I bet they expected me to fling myself off the edge of that cliff. But no, after regaining my normal breathing pattern I sat up ignoring the hard and dirty ground beneath me. I sat up because I remembered something I hadn't confessed.
It was something I hadn't been able to confess to myself since the day I realized it was going to happen. After all those weeks of planning, and make sure my finances were in order, making sure my will was right, getting Zanadaci's approval I had pushed down my biggest secret. I swallowed it, because I didn't want to admit it to myself. I couldn't. If I did, I'd crack. I wouldn't have been able to do all that I did for the both of you.
If I had confessed earlier…I would have lost my nerve.
Well, anyway I did then. I glanced to the side at the not so beautiful mountain range and rather than haul myself back onto my hood I sat there like a little nine year old boy. Legs sprawled out in front of me and admitting something I never wanted to admit to myself.
"I don't want to die."
I said it softly. It was hard to say, even though I just uttered it under my breath, but it was the truth. I don't want to die. I want to live, I want to defy my fate, my destiny. I want to have a future with the both of you. I don't want to have fun in the afterlife. I want to have fun in the here and now.
I regretted then not telling Kyle who I was when I bumped into him at Stanford. I also regretted not telling Stan how scared I was.
But then that's how I am. I rely on no one. I couldn't. Not when so many relied on me. Not just Stan, but Token for the pressure he faces because of his social status, for Craig who loves Token, and yeah, in the gay sense of the word. For Butters who still to this very day can't stand up to his parents. For Clyde who lets other's opinions of him dictate how he acts…even the former Raisins. They relied on me too, did you know that Stan? Porscha knows she'll never have the brains, Lexus knows she can be nothing more than the friend in the middle, and Mercedes…Mercedes has her own demons.
How can I spill my own…frustrations and worries when there are so many who need my ear? Even you Stan. For all that I loved you I couldn't even tell you some of my secrets. It makes me feel guilty now. To know I hid so much from you, when you shared your world with me. I was a coward in that sense. How could I have not told the one person I loved more than the life I'm about to leave, that I didn't want to die?
I'm sorry. But I didn't know what else to do; I didn't know how to handle it.
Neither of you can even begin to imagine how it is to wake up one day just knowing. Knowing that some day very soon you are going to die. And that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do about it. To know you only have a limited time to do everything you've ever wanted to do.
But I do know. And it sucks.
And yet…and here you guys should know I laugh. Yet, my dying makes sense. There isn't anything left for me to do. I've already done everything I've ever wanted to do and I did most of it before I was ten years old. I got to hang out and go on countless adventures with my best friends. That's the only thing I've ever really wanted. Just to be a kid and I got to be that. To be honest I never thought I'd even get to experience middle school, let alone high school.
So as much as I don't want to die, and as terrified as I am over the thought of not coming back I'm still a little thankful I got to stick around as long as I did.
At the same time it still would have been nice to see how my little…project came along. And by project I do, of course, mean the two of you and whatever it is that I accomplished by forcing you guys back together in the most unorthodox way. Not to say I died to bring Kyle to South Park, I'm not a fucking saint. But as morbid as it is, it's a little funny how these things work out.
So…how was it? Living together I mean? Dealing with each others bullshit and old wounds that hadn't really healed but merely scabbed over? How many fights were there? How many times did you two want to throw in the towel and curse my incredible nature? I wonder who was the first to want to spit on my grave?
I realize what I did was very…underhanded, that my meddling might have caused a few problems…some heartache, I'm sure. But I hope everyone involved takes a step back to realize why I did what I did.
Even with the pain I undoubtedly caused some people, in the long run I really was only aiming at people being happy. Mainly the two of you, specifically you Stan. You know exactly how I felt about your engagement to Bebe. You knew I wasn't happy that you hadn't told me you planned it, nor was I happy about you two being a couple in general. We both know she's not my favorite person, but that aside she wasn't making you happy.
Oh you smiled, and laughed with her. I'm sure you thought of your future together, your little house with the white picket fence, and 2.5 kids. And I'm sure the sex was satisfactory, but by now you must realize I only saw you as being content. Content is and never will be true happiness. Far too many people live content lives. I've spent a huge portion of my own life baring witness to that and I refused to allow my best friend to have such a fate.
So I thought I'd change yours for the better.
Though, honestly, bringing you two together was never the original plan. I may be somewhat…observant, but I'm not a psychic. I can't see the future, so maybe no one will ever be reading this letter. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe Kyle went home. Maybe this letter is being recycled and made into cigarette paper, but I've got a feeling, a good one, that that's not it. I'm sure things turned out exactly as they should have, for the better.
You're both together; I know it, in more ways than one. As you should be.
You know, for as much as I would have loved to have been able to fill Kyle's missing void within you Stan, I realized somewhere along the line that it was impossible. That the only person who could fill that hole in your heart created when Kyle left, was Kyle himself. And please, don't for one second protest that. I know it's true, and it doesn't bother me.
In a sense, I owe Kyle one. If he hadn't left I wouldn't have realized that I had the potential to be anything other than your side friend Stan. Perhaps it's best that it'll never be the three of us. For as much as I know my place, I can get slightly territorial when it comes to you. Now I wonder if Kyle and I really would have gotten along. There would have been some fighting, I think. Perhaps it's best I only got to see him that one time at Stanford. But, perhaps not. Who knows.
Well then all I have left to say is to tell Token to go easy on the car races, and for that matter tell Craig to go easy on Token. Remind Mercedes that she can be more than her supposed predestined path allows, or I'm sure Kyle can relay that message. I'll bet the two of them hit it right off. Oh and Kyle, should you ever run into Audi again (as I'm sure you have, and didn't you just have a fucking heart attack at looking at her?! I sure as hell did) give her a hug from me!
My two very good friends, I think now that you've both read this letter, completed the terms of my agreement, I suppose it's time I stopped meddling in your affairs. I guess you both can take things over from here, and I hope you do it well.
Kyle, you will take care of Stan for me. It's not a request really; it's more of an order. That's the guy I love more than anything. More than my friend, more than a brother. I lived and slaved away for his sake because I knew my day would come eventually. And you were gone, and he needed someone and I couldn't imagine leaving him alone. He's your responsibility now. It's gone back to you to push him in the right direction and make sure he continues to become the best chef this world has ever seen. He'll need your support and your devotion more than you might think. The guy heavily depends on his friends and I don't even think he realizes how much. I'm leaving you the most important person in my life to you, so don't fuck him up and don't fuck him over. You'll be sorry if you do, got it? I might be dead at this point, but don't think I don't have some pull with the higher ups.
And Stan, ah Stan…I should leave you with some words of hope, of wisdom. Isn't that what seems appropriate at the end of a letter from someone who carved your path? Well, I haven't got any words of wisdom, not really. But…now that I'm long gone it wouldn't hurt, I think, to say something I've been waiting to tell you since I decided Kyle would come back to you.
I'm glad you're happy. Happier than you ever would have been with me, don't deny it. While most of my days were consumed with thinking of you, and thinking of ways to make myself your equal you lived on in your blissful ignorance, always craving Kyle whether it was on a conscious level or not. And Stan…just, I already miss our times. Our talks, our adventures. The sorrow's we shared, the anger, the shame, every little thing that we did together. You were my partner in crime, my best friend…I was always so surprised that you choose me out of all our friends to call your best after Kyle left. I thought for sure it'd be Token. I'm glad it was me, I'm so happy you picked me. In a way you changed my life, because I felt I had to be your equal. I was the poor kid with nothing of value to his name, and you were the star everything. I wasn't even good at school at the time, I had to get better to be by your side. So in a way my success was due to you. And I thank you for it. You were my heart, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you every little thing about me.
You'd better be happy with Kyle. I promised you I'd return him to you someday, and I did. Don't forget that. Don't lose the one thing I worked so hard to get you. Don't lose the person I wish I could have been for you. I understand I couldn't have. Because, Stan, you're kinda like peach cobbler. A bit of a chemistry, but I'm more.
Please don't waste too much time thinking all this over. What I feel for you is almost too complex for me to understand. Sometimes I wonder about myself, and why I love you more than I can explain. Maybe it's because you depended on me. Sometimes that dependency was just too much, and it created a web of intricate feelings I can't begin to unravel.
Ugh. Now I sound like a philosopher. The point is you two owe me big for doing everything that I've done. But I'm willing to push aside your debt as long as you guys take care of each other, because I'm relinquishing my hold on your fates. Remember to see the other's opinion and don't let petty fights tear you apart, because you two will never find anyone more perfect for you than each other.
It was fun being such a nosy bastard; it ensures I'll live on even after I die. Call me an attention whore if you'd like. It wouldn't be too far from the truth. But really, I've always wanted to die an enigma and I think I've done just that.
Love the coolest friend you'll ever have, Kenny M.
Oh, shit, and one last thing. Stan, there's a little envelope in my box of crap. Can you give that to Craig? It's his watch from seventh grade. Remember how I swiped it from him when he was being an ass? And I told him I'd give it back to him over my dead body? Well, anyway, you get my drift. Thanks dude!
epilogues. They're more fun when most of you don't see it coming
yes? XD Well I promised awhile ago that I'd enlighten you on the
song that more or less made me decide to do an epilogue in Kenny's
POV. It's Muses' Bliss. And again, thanks for all the support throughout the year and a half that was this story. You've all made me very happy, and hopefully I've done the same. :)