I'm in a very weird mood right now so this probably doesn't make much sense. But it was fun to write:)

Disclaimer: I am currently drafting my forty-seventh plan to take over the world. Until then, I own nothing. But when I do succeed…

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Jack Bauer sat listening on his bed to his favorite song, Happiness is a Warm Gun, by the Beatles. The beginning of the song sucked. First Paul McCartney sang about a girl and a velvet lizard or something, then a random guy with multicolored boots, or was it mirrors? Anyway, it was a complete waste of time, and as you know, Jack Bauer never has enough time.

Normally, Jack Bauer was way to cool to listen to that part. Because, he is, of course, Jack Bauer, and Jack Bauer is too cool for anything. He just had to put up with all this shit. And like normal, he skipped the whole first section. However, the rest of the song was awesome.

I need a fix cuz I'm going down

Down to the bits that I left uptown

I need a fix cuz I'm going down

He always loved this part because it reminded him of his heroin days, and then he always wondered why he'd bothered to stop. Oh yeah, it was that bitch, Brad Hammond, who put him on that rehab program. Dammit! Hammond was now on top of the list of people who Jack Bauer needs to teach a lesson.

The List of People Jack Bauer Needs to Teach a Lesson

1. Hammond

2. Nina

3. Kim (She's failing Algebra!)

4. Nina

6. Nina

7. China

8. Audrey (Jack just realized what a whiny bitch she was)

9. Chappelle

10. That guy in the deli the other day who told him he had to actually pay for his food!

The list went on and on for a very long time, for 101 people. It was actually 100, because he skipped 5, but Jack Bauer doesn't like the number 5 and so he didn't use it. He's Jack Bauer. He doesn't have to do anything.

By the time he had added Hammond to his list, the Beatles decided to tell him that Mother Superior jumped the gun! How dare she! And she did it six times! Nobody jumps when Jack Bauer shoots his gun. Jack Bauer took out his list again and added her name for numbers 1-7 to punish her for all 6 times she jumped the gun.

"Oooooooh!" Jack Bauer cried, skipping around the room. "This is my favorite part!"

Happiness is a warm gun

Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

Happiness is a warm gun

Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

For Jack Bauer, happiness was a warm gun. Cold guns freeze your fingers too much to hold them. Hot guns burn your fingers to much. But warm guns are perfect because they are comfortable to hold and therefore easier to shoot. Oh no, this sounds too much like that fricken Goldilocks story! Jack Bauer adds Goldilocks to the list of people he needs to teach a lesson. But back to the point that Goldilocks stole from him. If your gun is warm, it is easier to kill people! And Jack Bauer likes to kill people who:

a. Give him shit

b. He doesn't like

c. Look suspicious

d. Look happy

e. Look like terrorists

f. Are terrorists

g. Say one or all of the words or phrases: bomb, gun, I kidnapped Kim, terrorist, evil, blow up, explosion, grenade, machete, sniper, Nina Myers, nuclear, China, or most of all Dammit! Dammit! is a phrase that can only correctly be uttered by Jack Bauer, because he is the only one cool enough to use it.

Then the song ended and some other song about love or something started playing. "Dammit!" Jack Bauer yelled. Then he takes out his gun, which is warm because he was sitting on it, and shoots the iPod.

But now he needs a new iPod! So Jack Bauer goes outside and finds a weird guy listening to one. He grabs it and says, "Holster your iPod!" The guy is such a wimp that he can't stand having a gun held to his face, so he gives Jack his iPod immediately.

Running back into his house, Jack plugs the earphones in and then stops in horror. The song that is playing is Spanish Bombs. And you know what that means…

Jack Bauer runs back outside and grabs the man he stole the iPod from, who was walking away dejectedly, and slams him against the wall.

"Who are you working for? Where is the bomb? Who are you? Who am I? Where is my daughter? Holster your weapons! Dammit! Sonofabitch!" He added the last two because he felt like it, and when Jack Bauer feels like doing something, he does it.

The guy, being the pussy that he is, turns deathly white and faints. Jack Bauer feels for a pulse and realizes he's dead. Dammit! He must have choked him to hard.

"Someone get me the epinephrine! I am a federal agent! Give me the epinephrine!" Soon all of the yelling attracts a crowd around Jack. But Jack Bauer doesn't like being crowds. Taking out his gun, he shoots everybody. A little boy nearby starts crying and shits himself. "Pussy!" Jack yells before shooting him five times.

Jack Bauer looks around and then realizes that there are no little yellow numbers stating the exact time. "Oh, good. We're not starting another season," He thought to himself. His gun always got cold by the end of a season. Speaking of a cold gun, his was freezing!

He ran inside and thrust the gun in the microwave. After thirty seconds, the microwave exploded. "Dammit!" Jack Bauer yelled. "That was my 9,372nd gun!"

Jack Bauer ran down the street to the gun store and told the cashier, "Holster your weapons!" Then he reached to draw out his gun, but it wasn't there! "Dammit!"

In the end, he grabbed the startled sales clerk and slammed him against the wall similarly to how he choked the pussy iPod guy. "Give me a gun!" he shouted, even though he was less then a foot away.

The clerk, of course, couldn't move or speak, yet succeeded in grunting. Jack Bauer didn't need his permission, however, because he is Jack Bauer. He grabbed the nearest handgun, loaded it, and shot the man in less than four seconds. Then he ran out the door, back to his house, and slammed the door to his bedroom.

There he sat listening to Happiness is a Warm Gun, a warm gun in hand. He was very happy. "Well," he thought, "Paul McCartney was actually right. Happiness is a warm gun!"

Then he did the Macarena and decided to go start hunting down the people on his list of people who needed to be taught a lesson.

I wasn't planning on continuing this, but if you want me to, I might. Please review!