I want to get another chapter up before the school year starts. Just for those of you who might not remember, Kim was failing Algebra in season 1.
Disclaimer: Why do I bother?
Chapter 4: If Jack plus Nina equals trouble, what does x equal?
After crossing off all of the people he just killed, who were Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, and Mother Superior (which happened to include Hammond and Chappelle), The List looked like this:
The List of People Jack Bauer Needs to Teach a Lesson
3. Kim (she's failing algebra)
8. Audrey (Jack just realized what a whiny bitch she was)
9. That guy in the deli the other day who told him he actually had to pay for his food!
Sure, there were still about 90 people on The List after those, but Jack Bauer only wanted to cross of those names for the day. And I won't remind you that what Jack Bauer wants to do, he does. Oh wait, I just did remind you. Shit.
Looking at his list, Jack decides to find Kim, and then track down Nina.
Finding Kim is easy. Since he grounded her for life after Teri died, the only places she can go are CTU and her house, unless he specifies otherwise. That way she can't get kidnapped. So far, it hasn't worked very well… cough cougar cough
First, he checks CTU. Jack finds her sitting at her desk across from Adam, talking to Chloe. He marches up to her, and starts yelling. "Kim, I just got a letter in the mail saying you were failing algebra! And it was the second letter! You intercepted the first one! I know you're very busy here at CTU, so I'm not going to hire a private tutor! I'm going to teach you myself! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
Then Jon Cassar came out and said, "Hey- wrong laugh. That's for scene 7… you know, the scene where you and Nin-"
He was cut off when Jack shot him for correcting him, talking to long, and stopping him in the middle of his speech.
Then Jack Bauer presses a bunch of random buttons on the keyboard and a program called "Algebra for RSBs (Really Stupid Blondes)" pops up on the screen. "Start working!" he growls at Kim.
"But dad- I'm not in high school anymore! I'm already out of college! That's why I'm here- I have an Associate of Arts in Computer Programming. I don't need to take Algebra again!"
"I don't want to hear it young lady, now get to work! I'll be testing you in five minutes on what you've learned!" He marched away to his office. Kim resignedly starts 'working' on the program. She knows better then to argue with her father when he's in a mood like this.
Meanwhile, Chloe and Adam are cracking up, as well as the rest of CTU. Kim tries to ignore them.
Five minutes later, Kim had successfully dismantled the program (with Chloe's help) and was building a firewall around her system so no program remotely like that one could ever get into the system (with Chloe's help). Until Jack came back downstairs…
"Kim! If 2 plus y equals 2, what does y equal?"
"If r plus 1 equals 24, what does r equal?"
"9a³ plus (7a² minus b²)² minus c³³ equals d minus e plus (f minus 99), what does x equal?"
"Dad I have no idea! There was no x in that equation!"
Jack just shook his head sadly, and said, "I'm sorry Kim, but you're a failure."
The rest of CTU was cracking up.
"No excuses, young lady. I want you in your room this instant!" Without looking back, Jack strode out of CTU.
He decided that Kim was a hopeless case and he had helped her as much as possible, so he crossed her name off the list.
It is time to find Nina.
He sniffs the air for a long ten seconds until he immediately starts running to the right. You see, Jack Bauer has Nina senses, which start tingling whenever she's near or lead him in the direction he needs to go to find her. Or so he can find the direction he doesn't want to go if he doesn't want her to find him.
Then he reached the harbor. Without taking a moment to stop or catch his breath, he jumped into the water. But before he could go under, his super-quick, ultra-powered, floating, custom-made legs kicked in. He started to speed across the water faster than the fastest boat or submarine or any other vehicle ever. Soon, he found himself in a small town near the Himalayan mountains.
Slowing to walking speed, he sees a woman, with shoulder length brown hair tied back in a ponytail, who looks exactly like Nina. Her shirt says 'MY NAME IS MINA NYERS, NOT NINA MYERS. I WORK FOR UTC IN SELEGNA SOL. I AM NINA'S TWIN. BUT SHE WAS THE EVIL TWIN SO I'M THE NICE ONE. SO IF YOU'RE NAME IS JACK BAUER, STAY AWAY.'
But Jack's Nina senses were tingling so much he knew it must be her. So he tackled her to the ground and shouted, "I am NOT federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is NOT the longest day of my life!" Then he added, "Hello, Nina, I mean Mina. Wanna play hide and seek?"
Nina, I mean Mina, who realized that this could obviously not be Jack Bauer, since he said he wasn't, happens to love hide and seek. So she says, "Okay!"
"I'm it! I'm counting to a hundred!" he yells.
After counting to a hundred, Jack looks around, using his x-ray vision, and finds her hiding in a dumpster. He rushes over and shoots her. "One down, two to go."
Even though he just shot her, Nina gets up with the bullet wound gushing blood, but acts like nothing happened. "Now I'm it!" she called.
But instead of hiding, Jack Bauer just stood behind her.
When she opened her eyes and turned around, he shot her again. But even as her brains started oozing out of her ears, she kept playing.
It was Jack's turn to be it again, so he counted and used his x-ray vision. This time, she was doing an Irish Step Dance on top of a roof. So he shot her.
Finally, she keeled over and died.
Jack Bauer started laughing. "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
Jon Cassar interrupted again. "Yup, this is when you were supposed to laugh. You did it perfectly th-"
Jack Bauer shot him again.
Then he started singing Christmas carols as he happily started to skip towards the next target on his list… China.