The Boy without a Fairy Now Has a Fairy so he Likes the Fact that he Doesn't Have that Name Anymore
The land of Hyrule was a vast one, a land of many climates and races. To the west was an immense desert inhabited by the long-nosed redheads, to the south a clear lake occupied by humanoid fish. To the north was a towering mountain covered by many living rocks, to the east a green forest full of children. It is in this forest full of children that our story begins, the story of a single boy and his attempts to save the country from a powerful tyrant of the first group of people that was mentioned. This is the story of Link. This is…
GROUP OF WEIRDOS: OCARINA OF TIME!
Deep in the Kokiri Forest, the guardian of the forest, the Deku Tree, called a young fairy to his dwelling. "Navi, thou previous companion has suffered a terrible fate. One that none should ever have to go through." the great tree said.
"Poor Doug, he never stood a chance…" Navi sighed, shaking her head and mourning her old partner momentarily. "Oh well, time to move on in life. Do I get a new partner?"
"Yes, I'm assigning you to a new companion. He cannot die, the fate of the world rests on his shoulders, knees, and pancreas. Especially the pancreas, do not allow anything to happen to the pancreas. I should tell you that he's not from Kokiri forest though, and yet only he can save me from dying."
"But doesn't that dishonour our non-negotiable code?" Navi asked, pointing at some graffiti on a wall that read 'NO FAIRIES TO NOT KOKIRI CITIZENS'.
"He lives in Kokiri forest," the tree explained.
"But I thought you said he isn't from Kokiri…"
"Don't listen to me, I'm drunk!" the tree yelled, swaying slightly.
"Then how do you know you're dying?" Navi asked, tilting her head.
The tree groaned. "The doctor said I was dying," it muttered.
"It could be from alcohol poisoning," Navi suggested.
The doctor popped right beside the tree from thin air. "That is a reasonable explanation, but it unfortunately doesn't explain the parasite inside of the tree's ass," he said.
"How do you know it's there?" Navi asked suspiciously.
"It yells insults at me every time I come within twelve metres," the doctor said. The doctor then exploded.
The Deku Tree nodded. "The same with me."
Link was sleeping happily in his tree home, which was positioned quite a distance from the ground. In his dream a talking candle was leading him to a place filled with treasures, very shiny treasures. As he followed the candle his body began to walk out the door in its sleep and fell teeth first to the ground far below. His leg twitched in mid air as Mido was walking by. "You need serious mental help," Mido said.
Link tried to stand up to punch him, but his teeth remains were wedged in the ground. By the time he got them out, Link couldn't remember what he was doing, and Navi crashed into his left eye.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Link demanded, turning around and leaving before Navi could say anything.
"I'm Navi, your fairy," Navi said coldly.
Link blinked for a minute, his eyes going out of focus. He then comprehended and cheered, doing the Angus on the ground until it started raining and the dirt became mushy. "I have to worst luck," Link muttered as he pulled himself up from the squishy mud.
"And I need you to come with me," Navi said.
"Why?" Link asked suspiciously. "I've been told not to go with strangers."
"The Deku Tree says he's dying in his drunkenness," Navi replied.
"It might be from alcohol poisoning," Link stated.
"That's what I said, and they disproved me," Navi said. "I think… Now let's go!"
"One moment, we need to climb up to my house so I can get a cheese sandwich." They climbed to Link's house where he had a cheese sandwich. After this was done, the partners exited the house. "Now we can go."
Saria ran up to the ladder from the distance. "Hi Link!" she yelled.
"Got any pizza?" was Link's only reply. He jumped down and heard multiple snaps when he landed on his legs.
"That looked painful, painful like soup on a stick," Saria's fairy said.
"You have no idea," Link said.
"I… um, see that you have a fairy," Saria said, trying to change the subject.
"Yep, I accidentally led my last partner to a gruesome death in the Lost Woods," Navi said proudly. The others stared at her blankly, although Link fell over from his broken legs.
"I need to go to the Deku Tree," Link said and began crawling in the direction. Navi took pity on him and gave link some crutches, and as he approached the path to the Deku Tree Mido stood in his way. "Hold on!" Mido said. "What does Mr. No Fairy have to do over here?"
"I think you may need to put in your contact lenses, I HAVE A FAIRY!" Link roared.
Mido took out his contact lenses and looked at Link. "Oh you do," he said. "Well I'm still not letting you through."
Link glared at Mido before smacking him in the face with one of his crutches and made sure to trample Mido on his way over. Three Deku Baba popped up in his way. "What do we have here?" the left one hissed.
"I think it's a Zora," the one in the middle said and the other two looked at it.
"Why are you even here Jez?" the one on the right asked.
"Why are you here Hur?" he middle snapped back.
"I live here!" Hur replied.
"Then I do too!" Jez replied.
"No you don't, you dug a hole!" the other one replied.
"Shut up Mor," the middle snapped. Link walked by, ignoring them, and approached the Deku Tree… which was asleep.
"Just great," Link said. "I might as well get a sword and shield while I wait." He passed Mor, Jez and Hur, who were still fighting and Mido, who tried to stand in Link's way but was trampled once more, making his way to the boulder tunnel that the Kokiri sword was hidden in.
He walked out into the square and was crushed by the boulder. Link grabbed the Kokiri sword from the chest and charged at the boulder but was crushed. Navi sweat dropped and decided to wait outside. Half an hour later, Link gave up and came out with lots of bruises and covered in blood. "I won!" he said before passing out due to lack of blood.
Navi called someone to drag Link to a more comfortable place (for he was lying on a sharp rock) but when no one came, Link woke up and went to the store. "You need rupees," the owner said and Link went out to do some pick pocketing. After an hour, he had twelve rupees, three paper clips and a ball of fluff.
"This is going to take forever!" Navi yelled, fed up at Link's slow mind.
Link replied two minutes later. "It's because of my split personalities!" he said before sitting down. "I'm bored," bored Link said before going into an evil pose.
"They shall all die at my hands!" evil Link said before normal Link stood up.
"You'll see them eventually," he said, unaware of what just happened.
"You need help. Immediately."
They snuck into the shield shop and looked from behind a cupboard at the shopkeeper. "You need to distract him," Navi said.
Link stepped out. "Could you look at me for a minute while my fairy steals a Deku shield?" Link asked and Navi fell to the floor in disbelief of just how stupid Link truly was.
When nothing happened, Link smacked the shopkeeper with a crutch and ran away. Link passed by Mido's post (Mido had gone home) and approached the Deku Tree.