Title: If It Looks Like A Duck...

Author: Lady B

Genre: Pure Unadulterated AU Crack!

Pairing: Harry/Draco, Snape/Lupin, Lucius/Sirius

Rating: NC17

Warnings: crazy misuse of bodily functions and language

Summary: No summary...I want to surprise people.

Disclaimer: JKR does it too! You know she does!

Author's Note: DO NOT ASK WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I CAME UP WITH THIS! I was at work, I was tired, I was on a break and I was sitting in the loo when this occured to me. Harry and Draco are over the age of consent.

- - -


Surprised at the sound, Harry looked up from the book he was reading. Everyone was occupied with their own thing; Draco and Snape were playing chess, Remus was doing a crossword puzzle, Sirius (in dog form) was asleep in front of the fireplace, and Lucius was reading the paper.

Shrugging, Harry went back to his book.


What the hell! Harry looked up again, staring at his companions. No one moved. Scowling darkly, he went back to his book.


Oh dear God in heaven! Harry gaped, looking up once more. Again, no one moved except Sirius, who snorted in his sleep. Muttering under his breath, Harry returned to his book.

By now, the smell in the room was becoming slightly nauseating and Harry resisted the urge to open a window. If it wasn't bothering anyone else, it certainly wasn't going to bother him.


"What the hell!" he exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Remus wondered. Harry stared each one of them in the eye, determined to figure out who was making that horrendous noise. Everyone met his gaze steadily and he was almost tempted to use Legilimency on them. Huffing under his breath, he turned back to his book.

"Nevermind, Remus. It was nothing."

"Potter, I always knew you were nutters," Draco snorted.

"Sod off, Malfoy, or you can sleep on the couch," Harry retorted. This earned him a glare from his boyfriend.

A few minutes later...


Harry clenched his teeth, looking up slowly and steadily. This time he saw a tell-tale pink tint on Draco's cheeks.

"Draco Malfoy, did you just fart?" he exclaimed, looking up fully. Draco's face flushed even more.

"Potter, how dare you suggest such a thing!" Lucius scowled, "Malfoys do not...'fart'...as you so delicately put it. In polite society it's called passing wind."

"I call it like I see it, or smell it in this case, and that was definitely a fart," Harry snorted, "What the fuck did you eat? Raw cabbage?"

"Gross, Potter, very gross. And no I didn't eat raw cabbage. It was that steak and kidney pie your gay house elf made for us," Draco answered, "And for the record, I didn't pass wind the first few times."

"Fart," Harry corrected.

"Whatever," Draco snorted again.

Harry looked at Snape, who was still staring at his chess pieces. One of the pawns was pointing at Snape and waving a hand in front of its nose.

"Aha!" Harry exclaimed, causing Snape to jump in in surprise, "You nasty little bugger!"

"Potter, what drivel are you on about now?" Snape sighed.

"You farted."

"I did no such thing!" Snape exclaimed. Harry stared into the dark eyes of his former Potions Professor and did a quick i Legilimens /i on him without him being aware of it. The memory was at the front of Snape's mind.

"You did so!" Harry giggled. Severus Snape, strictest teacher in school, had just farted in front of a room full of people...and quite loudly, too. Harry's giggling turned into outright laughter and Snape's face flushed red.

After a bit, Harry's laughter subsided and his sides were pleasantly aching. He wiped tears of mirth from his eyes and looked at Lucius.

"Don't even think it, Potter!" Lucius scowled, quickly blocking his thoughts.

"Father, if I can pass wind, you can too. Don't look so bloody innocent. Mother told me she used to kick you out of bed because you'd try to shove her head under the covers whenever you did," Draco stated, ratting his father out.

"She just didn't appreciate a good fart!" Lucius exclaimed, setting Harry off on another round of laughter. Sirius awoke then, and returned to his human form. He wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed his cheek.

"I appreciate them," Sirius smiled, before letting out a fart of his own.

"Sirius!" Harry gaped, falling off his chair, doubled over with laughter.

"What? If I can fart in dog form, I can most certainly do it as a human," Sirius grinned, "And I know Moony let loose with one as well."

"How the-" Remus gaped. Sirius tapped his nose.

"I've known you a long time, Moony, and I know your farts always smell like cinnamon and your tobacco pipe."

"Git," Remus muttered, "It's not that bloody funny, Potter!" he exclaimed to the young man still laughing on the floor.

After a good ten minutes, Harry finally regained control of himself and sat back in his chair.

"Are you all done farting now?"

"Passing gas," Draco corrected.

"Whatever, love," Harry snorted.

"I believe we are." Lucius smiled, carding his fingers through Sirius's hair as the latter had his head on Lucius's thigh.

Everyone went back to what they were doing.

Five minutes later...


"HARRY!" the other five in the room exclaimed, setting Harry off into another fit of laughter.

"If you can 'pass wind' then I can do it, too!" Harry laughed.

"Fart," Snape corrected.