Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Numb3rs or the characters therein. All characters are fictional, and should not be associated with any other person- real or imagined.
Author's note: AU, I guess, cause it ain't realistic. Should I give some credit to Lucy?
"So, how'd the operation go?" Alan asked Don as he watched him pack his belongings into an overnight bag. They were standing in a hospital room, which was eagerly being vacated by Don.
"It went well, thank you very much."
"I'm sorry I couldn't visit you"-
"Don't start that again, Dad. It was a simple procedure to remove some scar tissue on my lungs. And you couldn't miss that meeting." Don sat on the bed, waiting for his girlfriend to appear with a nurse and a wheelchair. Stupid hospital rules, he thought.
"Yes," Alan crossed his arms, "but Robyn tells me that you were in the operating room for hours longer than they had originally anticipated. I'm concerned that you're hiding something from me."
"Me? Never." Don grinned, then hopped off the bed when Robyn appeared in the doorway behind his father.
"Come aboard who's going aboard!"
She laughed when Don dropped with a pout into the chair. "The way you're acting, a stroller might have been a better choice in transportation." Don crossed his arms and grumbled some choice words under his breath.
"What did you say?" Robyn demanded, winking at Alan.
"Nothing, mother." Don showed his teeth in a big smile.
"That's what I thought." Robyn pushed Don out into the hall, followed by Alan and joined by a nurse. They could hear yelling in the room next to the one Don had occupied. A man's voice was shrilly demanding justice and his money back- "Every last cent, you screw-ups!"
"Sounds like somebody had a bad time at the hospital," Alan observed.
"No kidding," Don replied, "if we were supposed to have a good time, all the nurses would look like Pam Anderson"-
Don rubbed the back of his head and turned toward Robyn. "I just had an operation; you're supposed to be treating me nice."
"Keep talking like that, and you're going to experience a new meaning of the word 'nice'."
Don swayed back and forth, clutched his stomach and looked for a place to vomit. Seeing no garbage can within reach, he grabbed the open satchel and emptied the remains of his breakfast inside.
"Hey!" Charlie yelled at him, "My laptop's in there."
Charlie stared at the case, shaking his head. "This is the third morning you've thrown up. When are you going back to the doctor?"
"I have an appointment this afternoon."
Charlie lifted the case by its handles, wrinkled his nose, and dropped it into the first garbage can he could find in the bullpen of F.B.I. headquarters. "You're lucky I just bought that. Otherwise, I'd make you clean it so I could retrieve my files."
"You can't make me do anything," Don put out his best glare, but it soon turned to a grimace from the nausea that struck at him again.
"Sure I can." Charlie took his finger and poked Don in the chest. Don swayed back and forth several more times before collapsing into a chair.
"Cut that out. Can't you see I'm sick?" Don moaned.
"What I can see is a grown man whose girlfriend had to make a doctor's appointment for him because he's too stubborn to do it himself." Charlie crossed his arms, and provided his own glare.
"Well, I just had that operation"-
"Over three months ago." Charlie pointed out.
"That's not very long ago. I'm not used to seeing a doctor twice in a year, and this is the second time in three months."
"Well, you better get used to it. I hate to tell you, Don, but you're getting old."
"Yeah, I know.Dad reminds me of that fact every timehe brings up Robyn's biological clock. I swear, I think I hear it ticking as we speak."
"Nah, that's just the creaking of your bones."
"Thanks, Charlie, I really needed that."
"We seem to be having a problem with the x-ray machine, Agent Eppes. Would you please let us take another picture?"
"No, I've already had two. I refuse to take any more. What the hell's the problem?"
Dr. Wanton stared at the pictures pinned to the wall.
"I'm not sure."
He left, and then returned moments later with another man at his side.
"This is Dr. Abandon. I would like to get his opinion on your condition."
Robyn held Don's hand in hers, waiting while the thin doctor viewed the x-rays at various angles. He stepped back, stepped forward, then stepped across to Don.
"I'm afraid you have an unusual growth developing inside you, Agent Eppes."
Don gripped Robyn's hand, both of them pale in the face. Swallowing thickly, Don asked, "Is it cancer?"
"No. This is worse- depending on whether or not you have already started a college fund."
"What are you talking about?"
"Congratulations, Agent Eppes, you're pregnant."
"Don. Don. Wake up, please. Wake up."
He opened his eyes and found himself staring at the examination room ceiling.
"Robyn, I just had the most horrible daydream. I was sitting in this room, and the doctor was telling me"-
"You are pregnant, Agent Eppes." Dr. Abandon announced again. "There's no doubt about it."
"Are you insane? That's not possible." Don sat up on the exam table.
"Agent Eppes, are you trying to convince me you're a virgin?"
"No, of course not. I've been having sex since high school, and Robyn and I have a good sex life, too."
"Do you use protection?"
"Well, sure, though I know they say that nothing's 100 per cent guaranteed, but still, I think it offered enough to prevent…Wait a minute, what the hell does that have to do with anything? I could be sleeping with everything that walks on two feet and I still couldn't be pregnant."
"Agent Eppes, look at this picture." The doctor handed it to Don; he and Robin stared at it wide-eyed.
"I don't understand," Robyn stuttered, "This looks like the insides of a man and a woman combined."
"That's exactly what it is. You were here a few months ago, Agent Eppes, for internal surgery?"
"Yes, I was."
"And you were in room 222A?"
"Yes, so what of it?"
"What of it? What of it? We performed a surgery on you that we were supposed to do on a man in room 222b. He wanted to become a woman, and the first operation was to give him the internal organs of a female. Instead, we gave them to you."
"What the hell?" Don stood up, ready to throw a punch, but Robyn pulled him back down beside her. "I swear, I'm going to sue you."
"Sue me? You can't do that. From my point of view, you owe me money. After all, you did get the first stage of a sex change operation free of charge. Those organs cost money, you know, and don't even get me started on the cost of forming a womb."
"Well, take it all back. I don't want it."
"I would if I could, but they're used goods now, and trust me- I know- E-bay just won't take them. Besides, the baby will need them if you plan to keep it."
Don frowned. "I hadn't thought about that. What do you think, Robyn?"
"Is it my decision, too? I mean, with you having both sets of organs, maybe you fathered the baby yourself." They looked at the doctor.
"No, don't be coming up with silly ideas like that. See here, we attached a sort of tube through your organ that leads to the womb. When you had sex, the fertilized egg was vacuumed up inside you. Very complicated to explain, but, yep, that's what happened."
"Well, Robyn. What do you think we should do?" Don shied his eyes away.
"I don't know, Don. I have my career, and my life, you know. Me and the girls like hanging out together and going clubbing on the weekends, so it's hard for me to think about having to stay home instead. I love you and all, but I didn't plan on this."
"But we always talked about having children."
"Yeah, but I can't help feeling that you did this on purpose, in order to tie me down."
"How could you think that?" Don pulled away from Robyn and crossed his arms. "If I had planned for something like this to happen, I would have at least waited until we were married."
Robyn shook her head and waved a finger at him. "Oh, there it is. The 'M' word. I just knew you were going to bring that up."
"Well, why not?" Don whined. "Don't you think it would be better if our baby had two parents, not just one?"
"I can still be there for the baby without having to marry you. Besides, how do I know it's mine?"
"What do you mean by that?" Don stood up and formed his hands into fists. "Are you saying I cheated on you?"
Robyn stood up and faced him. "Yeah, well how do I know that you didn't? You're always checking out Reeves whenever I'm at the office. I wouldn't be surprised if she's the mother."
"I never slept with Megan. And if you don't believe me, get a maternity test."
"Oh, I plan to, Don. Have no doubt, I plan to. If you think I'm paying child support for the next eighteen years without being positive that baby's mine, you're crazy."
"Oh, so you don't plan on us being together- all I am to you is your baby's daddy. That's real great, Robyn. You didn't think that's all I was when you were begging me to stay over the other night."
Don stormed across the room. "I don't need you. I can do this all on my own."
"Dad, Dad. Wake up, please. Wake up."
Alan found himself staring at the living room ceiling.
"Don, I had the weirdest daydream. We were sitting here and you showed me some medical reports that said you were pregnant."
"I am pregnant."
"Stop, Dad. Don't pass out again. It's hard enough for me to handle this without you fainting every time we begin to talk."
"I'm sorry, Donny. Only, I thought when you said we're pregnant that the we referred to Robyn, not you." Alan sat up on his couch. "Have you told anyone else?"
"Charlie, Larry, and everybody at work. I waited to tell you last because I thought you might"-
"Yeah, that's it."
"So, you're keeping it?"
"Yes, though Robyn wants nothing to do with it. But I think I'll be alright if I can move in here. Charlie said okay, so is it alright with you?"
"Of course. So, how many months along are you?"
"How does it feel?"
"Don't know how it feels yet, but I do know one thing for certain."
"Don, that was my shake."
"It was very good, Colby, thank you."
Colby sat in the lounge at the Bureau, staring at his boss. Don had put on almost twenty pounds in the month since he had found out about his pregnancy and Colby new that it wasn't good.
"I thought the doctor told you to lay off the sweets."
"I can't help it, Colby, I get these cravings." Don stood up and a plastic wrapper fell off his t-shirt, bouncing down his slightly bulging belly.
"Hey, that wasn't my pastrami sandwich, was it?" Colby reached for the wrapper and smelled. Yeah, it was. He tossed it into the trash and went to the small refrigerator. When he opened it up, he shoved aside its contents. "Hey, I had another one hidden in the back here."
From behind him, he heard the distinct sound of munching. He turned and frowned at Don.
"Sorry, Colby. I'm eating for two, you know." Don ate the final bite of the sandwich and swirled the cup in front of him, sucking up the last dredges of shake. He tossed away the empty cup and began rummaging through the refrigerator himself. "That was good, too. Next time ask them for more mustard." Don thought about it. "And pickles, lots of pickles."
"Sure, I'll remember that the next time I buy a sandwich."
"Well, since you're offering, get me a roast beef next time, one of those footlongs." Colby rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"Charlie said you weren't supposed to eat so much. You're really clothes are really starting to look tight."
"That's not my fault," came Don's muffled reply. "The maternity store hasn't finished modifying all of them yet."
Colby could see Megan coming down an aisle toward the lounge, Chinese takeout in her hands. He tried to wave her away.
What? She mouthed.
Too late she realized Don was in the room with Colby. She did an about-face and took off, but Don had smelled the food and was right behind her.
"Megan! Megan! Wait up. Is that sesame chicken? I know it is, don't deny it." He called after her again as they both disappeared around a partition.
David stepped into the lounge, a bag hidden under his coat. "Is he gone?"
"Yeah." Colby hungrily tore into the bag. "That was mean to use Megan as bait like that."
"It was us or her. Nice job pretending to wave her off."
"Nice job telling her it looked unprofessional to eat at her desk."
They unwrapped two hamburgers and took a deep whiff.
Just then Megan came around the corner, heading right their way.
"Hide! Hide! Hide!" David yelled, but it was too late. She passed close by them grinning, her takeout still clutched in her hand. Don was hot on her tail, but the smell of grilled onions wafted across his face and he stopped abruptly in his path, then made a beeline for David and Colby.
"Oh, man. Those are Tommy's aren't they." He snatched them up, one in each hand, and sat down, propping his feet on the table. "Thanks, guys. I've had this"-
"Craving." David and Colby said glumly, their own stomachs growling. "And we know- you're eating for two."
Across the office, Megan waved her chopsticks in victory.
"Have you seen how big he's gotten," Colby whispered to the small crowd of agents circling him. They were standing around the water cooler, taking a break.
"I know," John replied. He was the newest agent there. "He claims it's only fifteen pounds, but my momma didn't raise no fools. It's thirty if it's an ounce."
"I'm not surprised Robyn left him." David kept his eye open for eavesdroppers. "No way you're gonna keep your woman if you don't take care of yourself."
Everybody murmured agreement.
"Why doesn't he at least do something with his hair? I don't care if he's five months pregnant, that's no excuse to let yourself go." Tim was an older agent and thought himself wise.
"Ooo, tell me about it, boyfriend." John waved a hand in the air. "I bet he hasn't been to a hairdresser in months. And you should have seen the look on his face when I politely suggested he go to mine. I thought he was going to scratch my eyes out."
"And he could have, too." Tim noted. "He hasn't had his nails done in forever- they're practically claws."
"Well, it was pure drama king if you ask me," John responded, "I was simply suggesting he go see Jenny at the mall. We all go there, so what's the big deal?"
"Well, now, I don't go to Jen- I like Melissa myself." David put a hand on his hip and ran the other through his hair. "If she's not workin', I don't even dare go inside."
"I know exactly what you mean," Colby said. "I went to Andre over on the boulevard and I was fighting frizzes for two weeks." He placed a hand on his heart. "I swear, when I had to show up to work that first day, I thought I would just die."
"That's why I just can't imagine how Don dares show his face here everyday." David shook his head.
"It wouldn't be so bad, but he keeps wearing the same old clothes- they don't even fit anymore." Tim stated.
John pursed his lips as he talked. "And those light colors- all wrong, especially for his skin color. He absolutely needs more sun- could he be any pastier?"
"You're absolutely right," Colby nodded. "Even with my suntan, you wouldn't catch me wearing all that white- especially after Labor Day. Has he no taste?"
Tim leaned forward, the other three men following suit. "Well, let me tell you what I heard."
"Go on, go on."
"I heard he had to move in with his brother and father when Robyn left him. And he spends most of his time at home all alone, watching soap operas and eating bonbons." Tim stood up straight. "That's why he's so pale and gaining all that weight."
"I believe it."
"From what I've heard," John rotated his head and looked around. The coast was clear. Shaking his body back and forth, he told them, "He's not always alone."
"Oooo, spill it!"
"Come on, you can't hold out on us now!"
John just grinned, loving the anticipation.
"I'm warning you, John," Colby threatened. "If you don't start talking, I'm going to tell everyone what size swimsuit you had to buy last week."
John went wide-eyed. "You wouldn't dare!"
"Oh, wouldn't I?"
"You're such a witch!"
David put a stop to the argument. "Give us a break, John. You know you're just dying to tell us."
John couldn't resist any longer. He leaned back into the circle. "Okay, let me tell you- rumor has it Megan Reeves has been racking up a lot of overtime at his house."
"Oh, yes," John nodded. "And they say that's the real reason Robyn left. Megan's the baby's mother."
"Ooooo. I just knew it!" David exclaimed. "He is such a slut. The way he's always bending over when she's around, shaking his thing like there's no tomorrow."
"Well, I'm not surprised he found another sugar momma." Colby said. "If you ask me, he's useless without a woman around. I know the type- they act all independent, but the moment they lose their woman, they fall apart."
"Hey, guys. What's up?"
All four men jumped. John and Tim took off, leaving David and Colby to meekly smile.
"Nothing, Don. Nothing at all." David kept his eyes downcast.
"We were just discussing the sports. You know, how the Dodgers were doing last night?" Colby looked around.
Don burst into tears, covering his face with his hands. "No you weren't! I just know you were talking about me."
David and Colby felt guilty for gossiping. Putting their arms around Don, they patted him on the back. "We're just concerned about you, Don."
"I know," he sniffed. "Look at me! I'm fat and ugly, and my hair- look at my hair! I have so many knots, I can't even comb it." He began to cry again.
"Well, maybe you just need to try a little harder" Colby started adjusting Don's clothes. "You know, maybe if we tucked your shirt in here, and we put your collar down. Oh, David, grab the mousse from my desk- not that one, the one with ginger root in it. Yeah, I got it at that cute little shop on Whittier Boulevard."
After a few minutes, Colby gave up.
"See," Don wailed. "Nothing helps."
David and Colby exchanged looks.
"This calls for more drastic measures," Colby took Don's right arm in his.
"Drastic drastic measures," David nodded, taking Don's other arm.
"What are you talking about?" Don asked, a little bit frightened as he was led to the elevator.
David and Colby replied in unison-
Megan walked into Charlie's house with a small gift under her arm. She knew Charlie and Alan were out of town, so she was looking forward to spending some time alone with Don.
"Lucy- I'm home!" she called, but received no response. Looking around the entryway, she noticed a trail of roses making a path up the stairs. She followed it to Don's room and smiled. When she opened the door, her eyes popped open.
Don was lying on the bed, propped up on his right side, his head resting on his hand. His hair was done up with mousse and his face gleamed with a fresh rubbing of aftershave. He was also naked, except for a pair of silky black boxers, the front of which was hidden by his bulging belly. Candles were placed all over the room. He smiled nervously at her, a rose held in-between his teeth.
"Uh, Don. This is something else." Megan quickly shut the door behind her.
After removing the rose from his mouth, he asked, "Do you really like it?"
"Yes, of course I do. You must have gone to a lot of trouble to do this."
"David and Colby helped. They took me to their favorite beautician, and she did my hair, and nails, and everything." He blushed when he added, "Then we made a stop at the maternity shop for the lingerie."
That's what that is? she thought.
"Do you have something there for me?" Don nodded at the present.
"Yes, I sure do." Megan sat on the bed and handed it to him.
Don tore open the package and took out a small baseball cap. He stuck it on his head, but it didn't fit.
"No, Don. It's for the baby." Megan laughed and took it off his head.
Don laid back and began to cry. "You said it was a gift for me."
"Well, I meant for you to give to the baby."
After great effort, Don rolled away from her. "That's all you ever talk about- the baby. Well, what about me and how I feel? Don't I matter any more?"
"Of course you do. I just thought it would make you feel good to know I'm happy about the baby, too."
"But you never want to kiss me or touch me anymore. Admit it," he started bawling, "you, you think…I'm…I'mm…I'mmm…FAT!"
"No, Don I don't." Megan climbed in the bed and curled around him. "I've just been afraid I'll hurt the baby."
"But the doctors say it's okay until the ninth month."
Megan pulled a piece of paper from behind her back. "Is this enough evidence to prove how much I love you?"
Don took it, puzzled by all the numbers, lines and math symbols written on it.
Megan rolled him over onto his back and sat gently on his hips, running a hand over his tummy.
"I asked Charlie to determine the perfect angle for us to show our love, so my body weight wouldn't put any pressure on your stomach."
Don smiled at her and handed back the paper. "Explain to me what this says."
Megan grinned. "Better yet, I'll show you."
"Stop right there, Don, and back away from the cookie jar!" Alan pointed a finger at his son.
Don quickly shoved an entire cookie in his mouth and turned to face Alan. "I'm hungry," he mumbled.
"I don't care. The doctor says no more sweets." Alan took the contents of the jar and emptied them into the garbage disposal, turning the machine on with a look of satisfaction on his face.
"And no chips, either. Look at you, Donny. You must weigh a ton."
"Megan doesn't think so." Don whined, crumbs falling from his face.
"Yeah, that's because Megan thinks you're going to lose all that weight when you give birth." Alan snatched the chips from Don's hands. "Well, I have news for you two. I don't care if you're the first man to be pregnant or not- there's no way you're carrying around a sixty pound baby."
Don muttered around a magically-appearing chocolate donut, "Everybody gains a little weight when they're pregnant."
"Okay, I think what we have here is a failure to comprehend- that is, what the word little actually means."
Don licked his fingers. "I vote we go with Megan's definition."
"Well, I vote we don't." Alan looked his son over. Don was wearing a blue quilted housecoat, a zipper right down its middles. "Where did you get the monstrosity that you're wearing?"
"I found it in a box of mom's old clothing- you know, the ones you supposedly threw away." Don drew a pop tart from his right corner pocket.
"Why aren't you wearing your maternity clothes?" Alan began to creep towards Don.
"Uh, they made a mistake at the store. They were supposed to take them out three inches, but they only took them out two." Don bit into the pop tart, his eyes on the food. Suddenly, he was spun around and the sweet was taken from his mouth.
"All right, spread 'em," Alan said. Then he proceeded to push Don gently forward, part his legs and place his hands palms down above his head, a typical spread-eagle position.
"Now, we're going to see what you've been hoarding." Alan ran his hands up and down Don's body, alternately patting and squeezing it. From Don's right pocket, he pulled out two more toaster pastries; in his left pocket, Alan picked out four donuts and a package of Zingers. As Alan continued to search, the counter began to fill up with every sweet imaginable.
Finally, Alan did one last pat-down, and then he put his hand under Don's housecoat. Slowly, he pulled out a three-foot-long sub, his eyes popping.
"I don't even want to know where you were hiding this."
Don slapped his palms onto his cheeks, his mouth forming a large 'O'.
David, Colby, and Larry pulled him into Charlie's living room. It was decorated with streamers and baby bottles, a banner with 'Congratulations Don" hanging above the window. There was a table with gifts, a cake, small finger sandwiches, and punch. Several large packages were shoved against the wall.
"Come on!" the men gushed. "You have to sit in the seat of honor!"
Megan stood in the corner of the room, feeling somewhat out of place. But Alan took her hand and led her to the recliner Don was being lowered into. When he was settled, Megan sat on the arm of the chair next to him.
"I can't believe you guys!" Don exclaimed. "You really shouldn't have!"
"It was Charlie's idea," Colby said with excitement. "He wanted it to be just your closest friends, but he also sent out notices to everybody in your family to provide the gifts."
David nibbled on a cucumber sandwich. "He registered you at Target, Wal-mart, and Sears- all the best places."
Larry offered to hand Don the presents, but Charlie stopped him. "No, that's my job" he said, standing in the middle of the room. "The guests get to play bingo."
Colby, David, Larry, and Alan sat down on the couch. When Charlie handed each one a bingo card, he told them, "Fill out your squares with what you think people gave Don. Then, you mark them off as they appear. Once you have five in a row, yell 'bingo'."
"Dear me," Larry said, "What do we get if we win?"
"Oh, you're just gonna love the door prizes I picked out," Charlie bragged, "I found the most delightful store over on Whittier."
Colby sat up waving his pen. "I know that one- I get my ginger root mousse there all the time." When he filled out his card, he added, "I remember everything Charlie put on Don's register. I bet I get first choice."
"You cheat!" David laughed. "Charlie, give Don that silver one over there first, the one with the big bow."
"Talk about cheating," Colby poked David in the arm. "Charlie, that's the gift he bought Don. He already knows what it is."
"That means you do too, silly," David pointed out.
"Oh, yeah. Then go ahead and give it to him, Charlie."
Charlie started handing out the gifts. As Don opened each one, Megan unobtrusively took the wrapping paper and pushed it into a large plastic bag, then put the gift aside. She ran a finger nervously around her collar, glancing at the clock. Will this ever end? she thought, as she took another set of baby clothes from Don.
Don held up a little sailor suit. "Who bought this, Charlie?'
"That was me," Larry said.
"Oh, it is soooo adorable." Don held it upside down. "And look, little booties with anchors on them. Aren't they the cutest things?"
"Awwwwwww." The other men said in chorus.
"What's this?" Don held up a tall cylinder.
"That's from me," Colby said. "It's a diaper pail."
"Oh, I'm really going to need one of these."
He opened another gift and held up a blanket.
"This must be from you, Charlie."
"How can you tell?' he smirked.
"The pi symbol in the middle, of course."
"Now, for the big items." Charlie pulled out a large box wrapped with a ribbon and bow.
Don eagerly opened it and looked inside. "Ah, Dad. You didn't have to."
"Of course I did, Donny. This is my first grandchild and I want him to have the best."
"What is it, Don?" David asked.
"It's a crib."
"Bingo!" Colby yelled. "What'd I win?"
Charlie handed him his gift, and he quickly opened it up.
"What is it?" Larry leaned around David, trying to see.
"It's a bath set- it even has little tea candles."
He held them up for all to see.
"Don, you're not supposed to be reading those." David tried to snatch the one Don was holding, but he wasn't quick enough.
"I have to do something to keep myself busy," Don sniffed. He placed it aside amongst the pile on his desk. "I can't go out in the field, it takes too long for me to walk to meetings- I might as well take care of these so nobody else has to."
"But you're too emotional, now-what with your due date right around the corner." David tried to slide them off the desk, but Don put his arm across its edge as a barricade.
"No, David. I can't just sit here and do nothing." He began to read again. A few minutes later, he was crying. He blew his nose and tossed it on the pile that had accumulated on the corner of his desk.
Colby walked up. "What's he reading?"
David picked out a particularly graphic one and handed it to him.
Tears formed in Colby's eyes and he turned away to hide his face. "Don, this is too much. You shouldn't be reading these in your condition."
"I can't help myself, Colby. You know once I set my mind to finish something, I have to."
"But you could wait till after you have the baby to deal with, with"- Colby pointed at one directly in front of Don. –"this."
Megan came behind Colby. "What's going on?" she demanded when she saw Don's red eyes. "You're not letting him read the files on that murder last week, are you?"
"No," David indicated that she should look at the desk.
"That one there," Colby said pointing, "the one describing the little girl. It even brought tears to my eyes."
Merrick appeared behind them, his voice booming. "Have you guys gone mad? You shouldn't be reading those."
Colby, David, Megan, and Don all looked guiltily at their boss.
"Especially you, Don." Merrick grabbed the cards off his desk. "No one in your condition can handle reading Hallmark."
"Don, are you okay?"
"No, Charlie, I'm not okay- I'm pregnant."
"You know what I mean."
"Did you think you have gas, Don?"
"No, Charlie I think I have baby- as in, have baby now."
"Ohhhh." Charlie nodded his head.
Sudden realization hit him.
Charlie looked around the bullpen. They had stayed late, wanting to wait for Megan to finish up a report. But right now, she was nowhere in sight.
"Don't go anywhere, Don. I'm going for help."
"Where exactly do you think I would go, Charlie? Surfing- no, maybe flying. I could hover above a sporting event and be the Goodyear blimp."
"Megan! Thank God! I think Don has gone into labor."
"No, that's not possible." Megan stood rooted in place. "He's not due for two weeks."
"Oh, you're right," Charlie smacked himself on the head. "Let me get his chart." He ran down an aisle, made a left and disappeared. Two minutes later, he reappeared, going in the opposite directions.
"Megan, I don't care what his charts say, this baby is coming out now. And I don't want to think about what it's gonna come out of if you don't get me to that hospital in time for a c-section."
"Uh, right, um." Megan went down one aisle, turned up the next, crossed down another, turned once more, and ran face first into Charlie, both of them knocked on their behinds.
"What should we do?" they said at the same time.
"I don't know, I don' know." Megan worked a ring back and forth on her finger.
"His charts say not for two more weeks." Charlie held it up for her to see. "So, whether that baby likes it or not, he's going to just have to wait."
"Okay, let's go tell him."
Megan and Charlie ran back to Don's desk, but he was gone.
"Don, wait for us!" Charlie and Megan ran to the elevator, sliding inside before it shut.
"I told you not to go anywhere," Charlie pouted.
"Seventeen months old already," Megan whispered in Don's ear. The sound of laughter drifted towards them into Charlie's kitchen. They were alone at the sink, pretending to wash dishes.
"I know," Don said quietly, "seems so strange that he's that old.'
"Do you think we should ever tell him that Robyn was his real mom?" Megan glanced nervously at her husband.
"No, I never will. I think when she quit her position as an AUSA to sell cosmetics, just to avoid paying decent child support, well, that was it for me. If she wants to be part of his life, she needs to start acting like a responsible woman."
"I talked to the doctor the other day, Don. Guess what he told me?" Megan smiled as she slipped her arms around him.
Don lowered his eyes and tentatively asked, "Was it good news?"
"I think so, Don. And so will you- I'm pregnant."
"Oh," he said.
"Come on, Don," Megan teased. "You're not jealous that I'll be having the baby this time, are you?"
She gave him a tight hug. "Or maybe you're afraid I'll balloon up like you did? But you don't have to worry- you got your shape back, and so will I."
When Megan still didn't get a response, she forced Don to turn around and face her. "What's wrong, Don? I thought you wanted us to have more children?"
"Oh, no, it's not that," he said quickly.
"Then what is it?"
"Well, it's just that this is your first time being pregnant, and I didn't want to take away any of your thunder…"
"Oh Don!" Megan cried, "Are you pregnant again?"
He nodded yes.
"Well, that won't take anything away from me," Megan said, "as a matter of fact, it should make it easier, you and me doing this together, equal partners."
"Not exactly equal, Megan," Don sighed, "I'm having twins."