"That's your Aunt Lorelai."
"Is she sick? I don't wear my nightgown when I'm sick."
"I'll explain it to you later. Have a good day at school."
Lorelai's eyes opened and she focused on the window. Outside the sun was shining and she saw the breeze moving through the trees. She heard the street traffic and knew that life was going on as usual. She was not sure if hers, however, ever would again. Christopher lifted the covers and slid back into bed with her. When his arm encircled hers, she sucked in a breath.
What have I done?
After about a minute of Christopher's arm around her, Lorelai started to slip out from beneath him. She was quite uncertain about what had happened the previous night as she stood staring at Christopher and the bed.
"What are you doing?" she said, pointing at him, while clinging tightly to the blanket she had wrapped around herself.
Christopher sat up in bed and looked at her quizzically. He smiled slightly and just said, "What do you think we're doing?"
Lorelai just shook her hand and turned away from him. She began to pace back and forth in the limited range she could without tripping over the blanket. "I am engaged. I have a fiancé. Why am I naked in your bed? How did I get here?"
"Lor—" Christopher scooted toward the edge of the bed. He did not want to get too close to her for fear of her bolting.
"What happened?" Lorelai shouted back at him. When Christopher didn't respond, she could only take it as a confirmation of something she didn't wish to confirm. Bile rushed toward the back of her throat and she nearly vomited onto the cashmere wrapped around her. Instead she grabbed her clothes from a nearby chair and rushed into the adjoining bathroom. Christopher scrambled out of bed after her, trying to catch her before the door closed. Unsuccessful, the door caught him hard in the nose. He heard her wretch just once and squeezed his eyes in displeasure.
"Lor, are you all right?" he asked the door.
No answer. He asked again. Instead, he was greeted by the flash of blue and black sweeping by him as she knocked him aside.
"Where are you going?" Chris' words trailed behind her as she began to search for her bag.
Lorelai turned around and looked at him. "I'm leaving."
Christopher stood in front of her, trying to reassure her, to get her to slow down for a moment. "Don't leave. Stay. I'll make breakfast."
Lorelai flashed past him, bag in hand, unresponsive to his offer. She walked out of the bedroom and down the hall faster than he had seen her move in a long time.
He was on her heels as she swept open his front door and slammed it behind her. Christopher considered going after her, but figured that might not be his best move for now.
I should let her simmer down first before I do or say anything else, he thought. He walked back into the bedroom and laid across the bed's width. He face fell into the still warm depression she left in the pillowy top. Her natural scent, like baby powder tinged with a glimmer of sweat, filled his nostrils. Dear God, please don't let me ruin this chance.
After she left, he decided to leave too. Out of the door, showered and dressed, ready for work. Though today was Saturday and the rest of the world bustled with relaxed activity, he scurried to work to sit at his desk, radio on and computer blinking patiently in front of him. This was the only place he felt safe. This was the only place he feels sane.
When she had appeared at his door last night, he had been happy to see her. He was always happy to see her. He listened to her talk, about Luke, about Rory, about Luke's daughter, but mostly about Luke. She wanted to marry him and have his child. She wanted to spend her life with Luke and something inside Christopher began to hurt.
The night before, Emily Gilmore had tried to set him up with the daughter of a friend. With Lorelai there, no less. Christopher was charming and funny and happy to watch Lorelai make a fool of herself trying to keep the woman distracted so that he didn't have to feel the pressure of the matchmakers sitting at the table with them. Inside he was terrified. He didn't want another woman. He didn't know if it would be possible for him to have another woman in his life. Sherry had done such a great job of bulldozing his life, leaving him alone with Gigi, foisting the role of father and mother onto him. Didn't she know that he was not the kind of guy to handle something like that?
But he was. At least Lorelai told him he was over and over again, which made him believe it. Every time he saw her, every time she asked about Gigi and he told her about what his daughter was up to at that particular moment, he wanted to tell her that she should be there with him, sharing this time with Gigi. We didn't get to do that when it was Rory because I was an idiot. Can we do it now with Gigi? Can't you share this with me? He couldn't ask that of her as much as he wanted to. Why should she share anything with him? He had been so irresponsible while she had been so responsible when Rory was young. While he was out cruising women and partying, she had been working and building a home for Rory. Now that he had a different life, though, now that he had Gigi and a home and a job and a fortune, he wanted to make it up to her. She had always been there in his mind and in his heart.
last for so long
Even after you're gone
Now, though, after her reaction to waking up in his bed, after listening to her talk for hours about her life with Luke, he wondered if his love was real or a habit. Since their first kiss at fourteen, she had been a part of his life. She had been his first. They had been awkward in love and sex together. It was his child she had. Over the years she had tried, they had tried to make a life together and it had never worked. Was it because their love was just a habit? Was it the chewing your fingernails kind of habit or something a bit more positive? Was she his default? Had he not found a wife because he was lazy and always counted on her to be there or because she was his one? As he continued to think, his gaze shifted toward his office windows. Outside the sun was shining and the breeze moved through the trees. He heard the street traffic and knew that life was going on as usual. He wondered if his usual life was the one he needed.
you love me
And soon I know you will see
Lorelai was gone. She was in Stars Hollow and always had been. She had a life of her own and he was not sure that he could ever be a part of it like he had imagined before. She had never taken his money. She had always covered for him when he failed as a parent. She had helped him, but not since he had found out about Gigi had she shown the remotest bit of interest in him. Where had his mind and his heart been the whole time?
You were meant for me and I was meant for you.
Now what? Christopher had an idea, but he was not certain if it was the right one.
(Lyrics from Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me")