Author's Note: No, I'm not dead, everyone. Sadly I've not updated for months and months and I only have myself to blame. I know, I've been so busy. This has been the busiest year for me so far and it's getting crazy! I've also been dealing with many personal issues at home and with my family that I've had to live at other places for a while. However that's getting into a completely different story that many of you might not want to hear, or don't even care to hear. And so that's just fine with me. Hopefully some of you remember what has been happening in this fic, what has been going on and what is maybe to come. But then again, it is my own fault if you had forgotten, for the reason that I have not updated in so long. Well, this is all I'm saying for now. Please read and review, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha
Chapter Seven: The Heart Will Shake
What did he just say?
Did she just hear him right? Surely she didn't, surely her ears must be so broken that she was going deaf? Was she right? Time was freezing as she tried to comprehend what he was saying to her.
Then the answer came to her.
He was lying.
That just had to be it.
Kagome thought that this was over. That they had talked about this before and already decided what was going to be done about this. He had told her to not be with him before, and it was for the same reasons of why she suspects he is doing it again this time.
For her own safety, that was all.
Feeling his secure arms around her shaking and tightening their grip now. Inuyasha was scared that he had lost Kagome forever. He had certainly thought that he had lost her by the hands of Sesshoumaru.
She felt his suddenness in pulling away, and then pushing her away from him, "Go back to your own time Kagome!"
He watched her fall down in the well that he hoped he could be able to close up soon, "You won't ever have to witness these horrible battles ever again." As he walked away, he didn't look back, no matter how much his heart wanted him to. He wouldn't.
She blinked. Again, and one more time.
Once she felt her heart decrease from a hammering pound, she pursed her lips and dared to open them and speak, "You.. What?" it came out in a perplexed light hush. Even with his human ears intact, he heard it all perfectly. He couldn't blame her for how she felt either, probably feeling frightened, or maybe even abandoned.
He instantly decided that he would never want her to feel like that. But right now, he himself didn't know how to feel. He was certain of only one thing though, and it was that he had to let her be without him, he just felt like he had to do it. But right now? Right now in this bathroom he was standing in, to just leave her in here and never see her again? He guessed there was no other place to go. And besides, they just ended up here in this small room, it wasn't like this was planned or anything.
As well as that, Inuyasha did not want to ever not see Kagome again, but he was sure this was the only way where she will never get hurt again, not by anyone else, especially him.
Kagome wasn't confused anymore. She was becoming angry. Her anger was building up in her chest through her throat and she was about to maybe yell something but stopped herself. She swallowed deeply, and asked, just about demandingly, "Why do you think that?" She gave him a subtle firm look, a voice to match, "Inuyasha, I know why you must feel this way, but you know how I feel about it too. So it's just no use in arguing over it if we're going to be bringing up the same things over and over."
"It's not so simple like that anymore." He replied hesitantly.
She was afraid to ask why he thought this. Is.. Is he kidding me? There was currently a silent fear molding inside of her.
He spoke again, "Did you hear me, Kagome?" He asked in a calm voice that sounded like he knew for a fact that she heard him the first time, "It's not that simple. Not anymore." He lifted his head to look at her. She saw the defeated man once again that she was not familiar with. He was a stranger in that way to her right now and she didn't know how to handle that.
Her anger returned. Clenching her fist, she could not help but raise her voice, "What are you talking about! Inuyasha, we've discussed this before! So long ago! And I'm still here with you, what makes this situation any different?"
His voice snapped, "Because before, other demons have hurt you because of me, because I wasn't there. But this time, I was the one who hurt you, I wasn't even taken over by my demon blood, I was just like this of all things," He threw his hands up abruptly, "human.. mortal…everything sane, and I hurt you, Kagome. It could have been a lot worse if I was even a half demon… I hurt you physically while I was in my right state mind… that's what is different."
He swallowed, "And in the future, it's just more likely to get worse… And I'd suffer because of it, because of what I'd do to you."
She opened her mouth, and then closed it again; losing the words she was going to say. How did it all come to this? Not too long ago the both of them were laughing and playing with each other like young kids without a care in the world. And now this moment, this reality was so heavy that it felt like, to Kagome, that her very life depended on it.
Kagome, very evidently, drooped her shoulders and gradually leaned back against the door until it closed the one inch gap and hit the bathroom wall with a light thud. She wanted to cry. His confession made her want to cry for him, and for herself, because she knew she was going to end up alone if she didn't do anything about this. A very important man in her life already left her once, what was she supposed to do now If it were to happen again?
He spoke again before she had the chance to. Leaning his head down again so she couldn't see his eyes, he gripped the edge of the counter once again and his knuckles were turning whiter, "I realize it now.. All of it. It's all coming back."
"I couldn't save you from any of them. Remember?"
"Shippo wait! It's too dangerous!" Kagome ran after the fox demon when he had took off from their hiding place.
Monten tore his attention away from Inuyasha whom he was at the moment trying to overpower. Their weapons were pushing against one another in a fierce battle and he needed a new tactic to take the hanyou down. He knew his strength alone wouldn't do it.
Monten smirked when he saw Kagome running after Shippo, and they weren't that far ahead. Inuyasha noticed what he was doing, he paled, "Kagome get out of here! Run!"
He saw Monten's attack strike her and Shippo in a huge explosion, "No! Kagome!"
His helplessness made him feel like a scared child, despite his more than fifty years.
Inuyasha was upside down in midair, tangled in the wooden web and poisoned by the bite of spider demon. He watched hazily as Kagome was climbing the solid web like structure to get to him.
He blinked to make sure he wasn't going crazy, "Kagome, just go, save yourself."
Kagome heaved herself up and looked at him, taking out her arrow, "Everyone is telling me to go and save myself. Well no, not this time." She jumped and reached her arrow out in front of her, "I won't!"
Kagome read his thoughts like a book. They were so clear in his yet mysteriously dark eyes that still showed much hurt and regret.
The sage demon glanced at Inuyasha with revulsion, "You're expression says it all. You're in love with that filthy girl."
All he could think of was to save her as he tore his way at the vines, bleeding and beaten. 'Kagome, don't worry, I'll get to you!'
He felt his own knees begin to shake, his own hands beginning to numb.
"Kagome stuck in that place with the others! And it's on fire!"
Inuyasha was fighting off a couple of demons from the band of seven. He knew Kagome was in much danger and he couldn't stand not being able to help at this second.
.. He saw her, "Kagome!" Carefully placing his hands around her shoulders and head, he hugged her to himself. She wasn't waking up. And now was the first time in a long time when he felt his own tears build in his eyes. The pain of loss became such a heavy burden on his shoulders..
She could have been dead at that moment in his life for all he knew. What would he have done then? What could he have possibly done to continue on in life without her, knowing that he was the one to let her fall into that kind of danger over and over again? She might be ok right now, she may have survived all those other close encounters to death, but that doesn't mean it won't happen the very next day.
I do remember, Kagome thought.
That was when she felt her determination rise. She promised long ago that she wouldn't allow Inuyasha to feel like he was worthless or unreliable. She couldn't bear to see him so miserable and unmotivated to stay with her, as if his own determination died.
"I was never able to do it, not from the thunder brothers, those spider demons, that sage demon, my own brother! All those times, you had to help me, when it was suppose to be the other way around. And I at the same time though, admire you for being so strong, but I .. I just can't stand at how weak I am, Kagome. How can you bear staying with me, if you're the one who is going to end up having to save me all the time? I can't do anything for you. Not even protect you well enough so that you wouldn't end up so close to death like last time. Even as a half demon I was not able to save you, and… and for our friends too, I failed them too. I failed all of you. It makes me wonder why any of you are really with me. All of you might as well end up dead if you stay with me."
This time Kagome did cry. Her tears came out of nowhere it seemed. And before she knew it, the heavy flow was trickling down her soft cheeks, hitting her feet and the tiled floor without a single sound. Everything remained silent though, as if the entire world was put on mute. Was Inuyashsa even aware of this?
You don't have to worry about that anymore, Inuyasha. I'm keeping my promise.
All of a sudden, Kagome sucked in a sharp breath and darted toward Inuyasha as if he were her only life line. She hugged him tightly from behind, burying her face in his back, sobbing uncontrollably like the child she used to be.
Inuyasha's eyes instinctively widened by her actions. For a moment, his body stiffened, but then relaxed, melted in her arms. He did not move though, only watched her ball some of his shirt in her tiny fists through the mirror.
He heard her voiced muffled, "Don't y-you ever, think this way about yourself e-ever again."
His eyes softened, feeling more hurt. His voice was a whisper, "Kagome-"
"No! I'm not finished!" He placed one of his hands gently over both of her fists, mainly to try and calm her down in that subtle way. He listened to her.
"Your human blood is a gift from your mother Inuyasha. She loved you so much, she protected you, just like this, just like how you are now, in this human form."
She pulled her head up from his back and rested it against the side of his arm instead, looking at both of them in the mirror.
"Knowing this, are you still going to tell me that she was a weak human? Are you going to tell me that she couldn't do a thing to help anyone? That she was completely helpless? You can't possibly despise it, Inuyasha, I know you can't. Just imagine being this way all your life. Your mother was, that's what makes her stronger as a person because she was able to protect you and prove all those people wrong who tried to hurt you, and not accept you for who you are." Her voice was rising, "Are you still going to stand there on both of your feet and tell me again that you're weak! That you're nothing!"
His eyes passionately burned into hers through the reflection of the mirror. His lips parted slightly in shock of her words. He felt his breath quickening along with his beating heart, thinking hard of what she was saying to him.
"Don't you think it's good that I'm strong enough to take care of myself as much as I have? It was never easy, the things you and I dealt with. But we got through it together, no matter what condition we were in, and that's all that matters. We're still here, we're ok, breathing, alive. We're together and that's all I care about. Why can't you just accept that? … I have."
Her amazing strength alone was only one of the many reasons why he had fallen in love with her in the first place. Of course he thought it was good that she was able to take care of herself. She probably may never realize how much he will always look up to her for that.
She unclenched one fist and held his hand, very nervous, hers was shaking. "Inuyasha, I already know, right now, that I want to be with you always. Every time I ever think about anything that has to do with my future, I see you in it. I never wanted so much to be with anyone in my entire life except you. You're the very reason that I am alive, that I'm always smiling and happy when I'm with you. Just imagine yourself in my position… I have a right to be so selfish. I don't care anymore. All I know is that I want you, and nothing else. Nothing.."
His eyes widened.
"I already lost an important man in my life, Inuyasha. I'm not going to lose another for a second time."
That was one wound in her heart she refused to have reopened. At this point in time right now, Kagome was willing to do anything to keep Inuyasha by her side. It was desperation now. That was what it had all come down to. She desperately loved him, no one else. So no one else was able to mend her heart.
As of right now, Inuyasha didn't have the ability to form words just yet. He gazed at her in the mirror. He remembered. He remembered how his mother had taken care of him for as long as she did, all the hardships they faced together, all the hate that was thrown in their faces. He remembered how his mother started crying when he asked her what a half breed was. The tears. Now that he saw them again in his mind, it only tore him up inside.
Oh mother. He averted his eyes toward the counter again, shutting them tight.
"No Inuyasha. Look at me, don't look down." Kagome whispered and turned him around softly in one motion with her hands on his arms.
She placed both her hands now very gently on his each side of his cheeks, resting them over his jaw bone. She spoke in a softly, her voice cracking somewhat because of sudden found sobs that hadn't disappeared from her throat just yet. This was it. She didn't care how nervous she was. In the moment, she really felt like Inuyasha would leave her now forever if she did not speak truth of her feelings to him. It was now or never. "No matter what you were before, no matter what you are now, no matter what you will become, I will always… love you."
To have her confession finally lifted from her heart was such an amazing feeling of which was so indescribable for words. All she felt was just so free from the chains of her remorse that have held her down for so long.
Kagome noticed how Inuyasha stopped breathing once she spoke her truth allowed in audible words. He heard it all so clearly, so genuinely and so honest.
She released her hands from his face. Before they could reach her sides, Inuyasha brought his hands on her arms and pulled her to him tightly. Kagome's elbows bent, her forearms now crushed between her chest and his. She wasn't able to hug him back no matter how hard she would try to get herself free.
Inuyasha had one hand around her back, and one around her shoulders, securing her to him so that nothing would be able to take her. For some reason, he was instinctively holding her close, protecting her as he would when in battle. However there was no battle taking place of that sort.
His lips touched her neck, his breath on her was alluring and she felt her own heart quicken.
"I love you too, Kagome." He whispered.
Kagome was the first to pull back, somewhat shocked by what he said. She knew he cared for her so much, but not loved. She knew she loved him, but she never expected those same feelings returned. It was a magical feeling of acceptance and honesty which she would never want to receive from anyone else than Inuyasha himself.
Her lips softly parted, she was about to speak, but then stopped herself. After all, nothing else needed to be said.
Inuyasha slowly brought down his forehead against hers. He smiled softly, very vaguely. His first smile in what felt like years, however was only maybe an hour. It would constantly amaze him at how the emotions of one's heart can take such an affect on the human body.
Kagome closed her eyes at the same time as Inuyasha tilted his head and placed his lips on hers. And from then on, the moment he spoke those words, he knew his entire world would change forever more. Life would never be the same as it used to be him and Kagome. Knowing their feelings about each other now will alter their future, and he couldn't have be any happier.