-Place of Existence-
Looking to his so-called 'sister,' he envied how she could still feel through all they were and all that they weren't. But he knew it would be the end of her. He knew that her feelings and emotions and memories would eventually consume and destroy what was left of her existence. But he didn't warn her. It wasn't his place to say she was on the wrong path. It wasn't his place to help her, or anyone else for that matter, and most of all, it wasn't his place to care.
His place, it seemed, was to want and to need and to suffer, but most importantly, to carry out. Put plans into action and listen to the commands of someone he felt compelled to love but had reason to hate. To live out his purposes even if he himself was destroyed in the final purpose of it all.
Envy wished his purpose could be simple and selfish. He knew he was a selfish existence already, but not in the way that he wanted to be. He wanted to be a selfish person, taking what made him happy and hanging on to it. He wanted a purpose like she, his 'sister,' once had and was gaining once again. Love. If you had something like that, you could live for your self, you could live selfishly at that.
He didn't know why in that moment he particularly wanted it. Why he wanted that particular feeling more than any of the others just then. Maybe it was because he had vague memories of his own past and could in a way relate. He'd loved once; it seemed, not in the same way, but love nonetheless. Look how that turned out?
He could remember the pain too; in the way that he could remember his 'father' and all that had happened. It reminded him of the time that she'd asked him something about before she was this creature, and he had replied by telling her that she was better off not knowing. He'd said that because, knowing what he did was ripping him apart and it seemed right to, in some form, let her know that.
But it wasn't his place to help her. It wasn't even his place to help himself. Besides, she'd remembered even through his half formed warning.
The only thing that kept him stuck it seemed was the rage he felt at being turned into this monster without a choice by that bastard. If he could forgive maybe he could turn and revolt like it seemed she would at any second. She had her own set of choices now. Had more existences to think on than her own. She had her own selfishness. She could betray them. Envy wanted that, and he wanted to want someone like she did. He wanted a lot of things, because along with the pain that came with knowing just how things really were and knowing of the past, also came the slight hope that things could someday change. She had a slight possibility for things to all work out in the end, even if she refused to admit it to herself in fear. He could see it. In a way he was older than she and had seen so much and just knew.
It surprised him that in that dusty room, her gaze fixed out the window unfocused, her pet slobbering about himself a few feet away, that he didn't want to destroy her. That for once some part of him didn't think that it would help to soothe his pain. He didn't care if she got all that, but he wanted it too. Even though he knew she was going to die. Maybe that's why he didn't want to destroy her himself because he knew she was going to die. Well, as much as someone like they were could die. He could feel it. He just knew and he would die too just to have the options she had in her position. He'd risk his existence just as much if not more so than she was every moment more she thought about it.
But he wasn't going to tell her of the danger. He wasn't going to warn her. Maybe he was, in a silent way, hoping that she would continue in the path that she was and didn't want to scare her from it. Maybe, even, in that same silent way he was hoping that she would succeed. Just so he would know it was possible.
What mother would do if she knew her children were becoming so disobedient? He smirked with the thought. Then again, maybe she did know. It was plausible. She seemed to know everything anyway. She always turned it to her advantage. It'd always been about her, her and not her children, and god, how much he wished he could hate her for it.
"When do we eat Lust?" His gaze shifted from his 'sister' to that huge lump slobbering in the corner.
"Soon Gluttony." His gaze didn't shift back to her as she replied with that same dragging tired tone she always used, and she didn't look away from the window, didn't even flinch. This was all habit for her; she had more out there. With a pang of shame Envy realized that in a way he even envied Gluttony, simply because Gluttony too could love, even if in a primitive way. Gluttony could love Lust with the obedience of an animal. Even that was more than Envy could ever hope for.
He hated how the gleam in Gluttony's eyes calmed as Lust spoke, almost sensing her pain as he inched a slight nearer to her and dropped his large hand to the floor. Dust rose up at the sudden movement and Envy watched as it climbed its way up before descending back to the ground. He hated the gravity of the world. He was always falling back.
Holding in a sigh Envy stood, hoping to gain some amount of attention; but Lust kept her gaze fixed out that window, on the man she knew was out there somewhere, and the past she could only replay in the back of her mind; and Gluttony stared blankly at Lust as she waded through the endless pool of her confusion. No one cared about him. Maybe he still held that within himself after all these years. No one had ever cared for him. Obviously, as the only person who'd ever been obligated to had turned him into this.
Envy hated them for having more humanity than him, even if it was in the strangest of ways. He hated them for having something, however unstable, to keep their sights above their helplessness: Lust with her deadly romance and Gluttony with his ignorance. He hated it but he didn't even have the slightest urge to hurt either of them because of it. Besides, he was curious where it would take them both. Curious if the battle could even be fought, let alone won.
Even if he himself didn't have any hopes of breaking free, or the ignorance enough to not realize he was caged in the first place, he could still watch, and he could still hate that bastard.
Maybe he had just forgotten, that he too had something to hold on to. It was hate and that was his place to exist.
Well, this was going to be a oneshot, but I suppose it's going to turn into a collection. I'm not sure if I really want to bend my mind into the shape of Envy's to the point of being able to even remotely confront his feelings. Oh well, this is the best experimentation on his existence I can perform, if your opinionated differently, I'm sorry but don't call me down because of it.
This chapter is more anime than manga, and deals with how he feels about Lust loving Scar, in that twisted way the Anime deals with it. Also a bit about how Envy's father in the anime, at least so it appears, is Hoenheim. Just in case anyone is wondering, I've read all the manga chapters so far and have seen all the anime episodes so I'd like to think I can finally attempt to write on this particular fiction.
P.S. I don't own anything but the coming apocalypse, a PS2, my geekiness, my lame attempts at poetry and fiction alike, a few books, and 3 broken CD players. Certainly nothing there is FMA related. I'm not a thief but a simple borrower.
I'm not getting enough.