Summary: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

AN (other stuff you ought to know about): Knowing me, this will most definitely end up with yaoi tinges here or there, or bucketfuls of the stuff. You never know. And a general dislike towards Miss Peacecraft. That's all I have to say.


Have you hugged your God of Death today?

Chapter one: …lo bak goh


10:20 am

Same time, same place upon my bed of imaginary nails and completely bored shitless. I swear that my life never changes and this is coming from the spontaneous meister. Even short sheeting the guys' beds has lost its thrill. Gods' above, what is the point of all this?

10:30 am

I think I'll start learning Chinese just to annoy Wuffers. That would keep him busy and it would be a nice surprise for him as well. I'll head down to our local Chinese restaurant later. Mr. Chu should be able to teach me a thing or two. I'd appear intellectual. More so than that bint, Relena.

What the hell is she doing, sitting in our living room anyway?

10:32 am

Oh, Heero. Duh.

11:00 am

It's alright now. I managed to push her limo down the hill while her new, oldish chauffeur has having a smoke. I told him politely and with ever so much courtesy that cigarettes cut off twenty years of your life and it seriously harms unborn babies. I'm surprised he's still up and running actually. He should have kicked the bucket a decade ago. Oh well, I'll be sure to arrange that.

I bet his sex life sucks though. I have that victory over him.

He laughed nasally as I informed him of the health hazard. "And this concerns me how?" he replied snootily, which is wrinkly peoples' language for "sod off".

I looked at his round abdomen accusingly. "You know that male pregnancy is generally looked down upon by most countries and, face it, you totally have a bun in the oven."

Maybe if I continue baiting him as such, I trigger a heart attack due to excessive smoking.

11:06

No such luck. He gave me a withering glance that clearly said wtf. "Why don't you go play with your action figures?" he said rather nastily.

Trust me, I would. I'd get Deathscythe to stomp on his head. Ah well, doesn't matter.

I finally heard the long awaited car horns blaring and a crash. Crossroad at the bottom of the hill.

Whoops.

"Hm, must be an accident," I intoned casually. "What kind of idiots drive today huh."

The wrinkly driver ignored me and tapped ash off his ciggie. Absolute rudity. I sorta tilted my head to see the accident better. "Would you look at that? It seems to be a pink limousine stuck underneath a cement truck. If I didn't doubt your watchdog like qualities, I'd say that was Miss Relena's car."

Halfway though a drag of smoke, he stopped with his eyes bugging out like nobody's business. It was then he noticed the significant absence of the monstrous pink tank.

Run down the hill wrinkly driver. Run.

11:13

Oh God, he's arguing with four heavily muscled builders wearing suspenders now. I wonder how they're getting on.

Hopefully not too well.

11:15

Ouch, that didn't look pretty.

11:24

Am I not kind? I got an ice pack for the poor ancient driver. He ought to be happy that I'm looking after him.

11:26

I got him a wheelchair as well.

"I better be quick with this," I told him seriously as I levered him none-too-gently on to the chair. "Mrs. O'Brian will be wanting this back soon."

11:27

Of course, not that would matter to him, seeing as he was unconscious from being smacked repeatedly with a spade.

11:32

Gods, he's heavier than he looks. I'm puffing up the hill already. You'd think he eats rocks for breakfast, followed by some anvils. Maybe I should have stolen Mr. McJock's crutches instead. Then I could have slapped wrinkly here awake with the ice pack and he could have made his own way up the damn hill.

11:42

Dumped him outside our house and returned the wheelchair back to old woman Mrs. O'Brian. I was tempted just to let wrinkly roll down the hill again to see what would happen, but decided it would be too much of a bother to push Mr. Weigh-a-ton back up again.

11:49

He makes a rather fetching addition to our front lawn. He compliments the daffodils very well. I say we leave him there.

12:01

Strolled inside whistling the happy song in my heart. Only to be greeted by the blonde weed polluting the atmosphere inside the living room with her odour ala manky body. Shall I never be spared from the company of the evil pink witch?

She blinked prettily at me. "Duo, I'm staying over for a few days, is that quite alright?"

Apparently not then.

I bit back a scathing reply but was unable to hide the dirty look that crossed my face. I had to shrug and turn around quickly, before she could see me cross my eyes with distaste. "Sure sure," I said, flapping hand around. Why was I flapping my hand around like a retarded bird? "But you may wanna check on your driver outside. And your car as while you're at it."

I could almost hear the mascara laden eyelashes slam together in a confused blink. Ehgahds, she could trap a large spider with those eyelashes. "Why?" The pink sugar was still in her voice.

"You'll see."

I sound positively evil.

12:14

Everyone came rushing down to see what the matter was when she shrieked inhumanly outside. What's that she's shouting to her unconscious driver?

12:16

Oh, it's "Botolf, you're fired. I hate you."

12:20

Who'd name their kid Botolf? Sounds like a porn moniker. Like Botolf Phukzalot.

12:22

Ahahahaha, I crack myself up.

12:32

I reign supreme! She's decided not to stay! She's just putted off into the distance in one of those removal truck things with the squashed limo trailing behind it. It looks like it's been stepped on by a Gundam. YES.

Nice save. The guys are very happy with me. Even Wuffers. Even when I told him that Relena was very lo bak goh. He laughed his head off, so I'm gathering it's…a good thing?

12:45

Apparently, as I've been informed by 'fei... Relena is a cake made out of Chinese turnip.

12:47

I see some truth in that.

12:50

Note to self: do not resort to using Chinese takeaway menus as a learning aid.

1:02

Why are the dishes written in Chinese anyway? It's not like anyone can read them.

1:15

Just found out that 有什么意义? is Chinese for 'What is the point?' Haven't a clue how to say it though. I'll ask 'fei later.

1:17

It looks very pretty though.


AN: Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, because I'm the extra crispy bucket of stupidity. Reviews tell me if this is a waste of time or not by the way. I'm quite happy to leave it as it is. Which would be a shame because I have a fab idea, which includes sheep. You DO want sheep...don't you?

Next Chapter: ...It'll be on the news