Summary: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

AN: I am SO sorry for my lies. I said I'd update. I didn't. But now I have. Hurrah. School starts in a week for me. So yeah. Onwards!


Have you hugged your God of Death today?

Chapter 6: I have manboobs now


10:31am

Relena's eye doesn't seem to have shrunk very much. In fact, I think that the swelling is getting bigger. Her eye is about the size of a golf ball. Just because she rather unfortunately poked it with a Lemon Wipe.

Tough for her. My concussion is healing quite nicely, in fact, and I might be able to get out of here tomorrow if the scans go well.

10:46

I wonder who caught me when I fell off the ladder though. I have an inkling of whom it might be seeing as Heero and I are the only brunnettes in the house.

Or it might remain a mystery forever and ever.

10:47

Amen.

10:55

Ack, I am so friggin BORED. There is nothing to do. Once again, Botolf is out as he is infected with cooties and Relena is getting even more treatment for her stings. Sure, she may have been in excrutiating pain for the first few hours after the hornets attacked her, but that's about it really. It was even through her own fault.

12:03

Still in hospital room, uninspired as ever.

The whole gang's back, Relena's preening in front of a mirror and Botolf's gazing wistfully out of the window. She really is a horrific sight. Her eye looks like an extra growth on her face. And the stings don't seem to have gone down one bit either. I think they're there to stay actually.

If they don't go away, she'll have to live in a circus for the rest of her life because no one will be able to keep a straight face while talking to her. You'd either be laughing at her misfortune or throwing up.

Botolf is really not helping me taking my mind off her either. All he does now is just sit around and sigh all day. Gods above, what love does to old people. I always get worried that he might die of a heart attack every time Nurse Clara comes into the room.

He better get out of here soon, otherwise he'll go crazy. I mean it.

12:05

He's crooning softly to himself. What's that he's saying?

12:06

"Nurse Clara, you are a sex mousie. Oh yes you are. Oh yes."

12:07

Am I just a weirdo magnet or what? I am quite disturbed.

2:04pm

VISITING TIME

Botolf's sister came round to visit him. Dear God, she really is a prozzie. Instead of a skirt, she was wearing several belts held together dangerously by threads. Or maybe it was dental floss. I can never follow the modern fashions of today.

She had several kids with her and she unceremoniously dumped one in my lap as she went to greet Botolf. She kissed his cheek and said quietly, "I'll have to make this quick as I left the oven on and I'm not wearing any underwear."

Dear God, I feel like I'm trapped in an asylum for scary people. I need to get out of here.

2:06

The toddler sitting on me smelt rather pooey. He gazed up at me as I gingerly tried to shift him away. My eyes started to water. I hadn't smelt anything this bad since I went on the Special K diet and got loose bowels. THAT had been rather uncomfortable. Never again I say.

2:08

The kid crawled around on my lap for a few seconds, blinked his deceptivley large and innocent eyes at me and with more speed and grace than Wufei chasing after me, he leapt at my chest with his tiny hands outstretched and shrieked,

"BOOBIES!"

Oh goddy god god. Why? Whhhyyy?

2:09

Fabulous. I have manboobs now. Thanks kid.

It hurts even more that he's a kid. I mean, they're the most truthful little bastards aren't they? If they see something that looks weird, they'll go right ahead and say it.

Does this mean I'm fat?

2:32

They finally left. Thank you. I for one, am never accepting a family invitation to dinner from Botolf. No matter HOW much his sister was checking me out. And his thirteen year old niece. And twenty year old nephew…

I'll just go retreat to under my bed.

3:01

Can I go home…now?

It's not like I've got any visitors or anything. And I'm not even driving anyone mad. If anything, it's me who's gonna have to be relocated to a mental asylum. Then in a couple of years, I'll be joined by G, who belongs in there anyway.

The future is not looking bright. Or orange.

3:23

Got a phone call. Mr. Chu wanted to know how I was doing.

"Fine fine," I said. "Except my roommates are less than…amusing."

"What's happened to them?"

"Well, the old man got beaten up by builders and Relena got eaten by hornets." I neglected to mention that both happened through my doing. Though knowing Mr. Chu and his creepy means of knowing everything, he probably knows this already."

"Clarinets? She got hit by musical instrument?"

"No Mr. Chu. Hornets."

"Hornet, hornet…Yes. I see. I know a good remedy for the stings! It should help the…how do you say?"

"Swelling. But I don't want to help her."

"No problem, no problem. I'll be there right away."

"Mr. Chu - "

He hung up. Aww, he always does this. He's gonna turn up here with his beard in a braid, bringing some obscure artifact that will have magical healing powers from his ancestors. It'll probably be feacal matter from some long dead pet sheep in a jar of something.

The last time he tried to 'heal' me from my cold, I ended up with orange fingernails for three weeks and a funny taste in my mouth that just wouldn't go away no matter how many times I brushed.

2:30

Oh good Lord he's here. There will be screams in a minute. I can just tell.

2:31

He's wearing purple and orange. And a huge straw hat. It is perhaps the size of a fried ostrich egg. It also has mould growing on the top.

2:32

"Ah, Duo! Long time no see!" He pulled me into a tight bear hug.

…and something moved underneath his jacket. It prodded against my stomach.

"Ohmygod, what is that?" I leapt away with a disgusted look on my face.

Mr. Chu opened his jacket and pulled out perhaps the largest toad I have ever seen. Forget the jar with sheep crap, he brought a real live toad inside a hospital.

2:34

What kind of security does this hospital have? Someone could have walked in here with a bloody gun without anyone noticing. It is smaller and more compact than a toad. Plus it doesn't move or make loud noises.

This toad could scare small children.

2:35

"What on earth is that sou-" Relena finally took notice of who was at the door. "Oh Mr. Chu darling! How are you?"

Mr. Chu bowed his head slightly. "Miss Relena. So good to see you again."

Am I missing something here?

Before I could ask how on earth they knew each other, Mr. Chu plodded forward holding this toad in his hands.

As to be expected, Relena screamed like a little girl. Along with Botolf actually.

"No, no Miss Relena. This will help you. Keropi is a friend."

Keropi?

Mr. Chu is insane.

3:35 – An hour later

I'm in shock. I need to sit down for a moment.

3:43

Actually, it is quite funny when I think about it. It's shocking.

Mr. Chu had placed the toad down on her bed and Botolf had paused in his screaming to laugh at her. "No no, don't worry," Mr. Chu had told the hysterical girl. "He's going to help you with your affliction. Ancient Chinese method."

That had perked her up. "So this is a genuine archaic cure?" she asked, suddenly interested. "Does it work?"

"Of course of course!" Mr. Chu had reassured her. "Now go to sleep!" Quicker than a nun running away from a brothel, he moved forwards and threw something in her face. She had sneezed, and dropped like a log.

"Um…" I had said, watching from my own bed. "Is she going to be ok?" Not that I cared really. She could have been shoved of a cliff edge and I wouldn't have blinked.

Actually I would have. I would have counted how long until she made a splash.

Mr. Chu bird flapped his hand at me. So that's where I got it from. "Yes yes, she's sleeping. She won't like to be awake for this cure."

It was at that point I thought, 'In the name of Zech's Barbie set, what is going to happen?' I saw what happened. And was in shock. Just as I am now.

Mr. Chu whipped out a jar full of cream and started applying it to her face and her hair. Already, this set off alarm bells in my head.

"Um…Mr. Chu? I thought you are supposed to be treating the stings. Not her hair."

He shrugged. "It said so in the instructions."

Oh. Right. Fair enough.

After covering her in this white stuff to his satisfaction, he picked the toad up and placed it on her head. The toad shifted for a bit, trying to get comfortable.

"So…what now?" Botolf piped up from his corner. He had been watching in morbid fascination.

"Shhhhh. Waaaiiit," Mr. Chu had shushed him with a breathless whisper.

The toad moved forward, dipped its warty head, and started to lick the cream off her. The tongue also had warts on it.

At that point, I was glad I was sitting on a bed. I would have collapsed if I wasn't. Either from laughter, disgust or pure wtf factor.

"Hey," Mr. Chu waved at me to get my attention. It was hard since I was too busy staring speechless at the toad that was eating cream off her.

"Uh…yeah?" I said, my eyes not leaving her unconscious form.

"I need the bathroom."

"Down the hall."

Mr. Chu left us alone with this toad thing on top of Relena's face.

"Well," Botalf said in a strangled tone. "I hadn't been expecting this when I woke up this morning."

I'd have to say I agreed with him.

4:02

Relena's still out cold. The toad and Mr. Chu are thankfully gone. Thank you.

4:03

What was that? Who in their right mind would come up with a cure that involved a toad licking cream off of your skin? What has become of the world? Must remember never to mention any sickness to Mr. Chu. Nothing at all.

It was quite funny when Mr. Chu had asked Botolf whether he needed any help. Botolf had moved physically away from the Chinese man. I thought for a moment that he was going to jump out of the window.

At least I have pictures of the incident. Hellooooo blackmail.

4:04

This also has to go into our photo album. It deserves to be shared with everybody anyway. To hell with it.

4:15

Phone call!

"Hello?"

"Duo?"

I was surprised. "Mr. Chu! Did'ya forget something?" There was an off tone to his voice as if he had just found out he had picked up the wrong baby from the hospital. This can't be good.

"I made a slight error."

"Oh?" I was insanely curious. "And…"

"Miss Relena…she'll have to wear a wig for a while."

…oh. OH. I see.

Now this is just priceless.

"She'll also have to draw her eyebrows on," Mr. Chu added.

He hung up. There was an insane grin on my face.

I told Botolf, "Miss Relena will be joining you in your hometown of Baldville!"

He was not amused. Honestly, it's the thought that counts. He tried to hit me with the potted cactus in the corner of the room.

5:12

I heard the most beautiful words of my life today. "Mr. Maxwell?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"You're going home."

SCOOOORREEE.


AN I'm really not happy with this chapter. Whatever happened? I started off great with this story and now it's slowing rolling downhill. I should probably stop so that I don't ruin the first chapters. Arghhhh. Btw, the toad idea, Sophie dreamed it up. Blame her. And blame Shinigami Goumon. She requested it. :grin:

Note: I'm a shameless person, so I'm gonna advertise my new DeviantArt account to everyone on my fics. Ah ha. Ah ha ha. Check out passado.deviantart. com. With the http and stuff before hand. I'll love you forever. No jokes.

Thanks to Maskelle, DustBunnyQueen, Nike Femme, kiallie, JMJV, VampyNeo, HevenSentHellBroken, In the realm of insanity, mugen no ankoku, Skye, Gigglegal, Brandi Karma, Serenity Maxwell, yanagi megumi, PrincessWolfGodess, Bri, the sadistic homicidal child, Vitanie Tora, Z3ldA Wh4t, chocolateriku, Lady11Occult, J-chan8, Nightshadesister, Shinigami Goumon for reviewing.

That's a lot. Really. I'm very pleased with that. Mallorca was full of hornets in case anyone was interested.