A "Kim Possible" QuickFic by Erin Mills
Characters Copyright (C) 2006 Disney
"Look at it, KP!" Ron Stoppable said in a voice that was meant to be mystical and ominous. "Behold the glory that is the Bueno Nacho Hot Sauce Bar!"
"Glorious." Kim Possible said, unenthusiatcially, gazing over the new condiment bar that had been recently installed in their usual fast food hangout. Next to her Ron was still going on, eyes slightly glazed with the thrill of so much spice in one location.
"Fifty kinds of hot sauce ranging from the nominally spicy to the insanely nuclear. Some of the best sauces from around the world are here at our fingertips for our digestive pleasure! Isn't it great?"
Kim was glancing over the offerings. "'Pain,' 'Endorphin Rush,' 'Blair's Possible Side Effects,' "Louisiana Swamp Scum,' 'Colon Blow?'" She blinked at the next sauce and looked over at Ron. "Ron, there's a sauce here called 'Ass Reaper.' I'm not so sure I want anything with the word 'ass' in it on my food."
"THEY'VE GOT ASS REAPER!" Ron dashed back over to where Kim was standing. "BOOYAH! Kim, this is the BEST thing that ever could have happened."
"Oookay," Kim said turning away from the hot sauce bar. "Glad you're so excited. I'll be oer at the booth."
Ron looked back at her, a sneaky smirk on his lips. "What's the matter, KP? Can't handle a little heat?"
Kim stopped and turned around. "I can handle heat just fine. I just don't feel like burning the tastebuds out of my mouth. I want to taste my food, Ron."
"Surrre you do." Ron said. "If you're afraid of a little burn, just say so. I won't think any less of you."
"Ron Stoppable, are you DARING me to eat some of these hot sauces?"
"Maybe..." Ron said grinning. Rufus popped out of his pocket.
"Uh-huh." The naked rodent said.
"I don't mean to brag," Ron began, "But I have been known to down some of the hottest foods known to man in our years of globehopping."
"Oh yeah," Kim said, "Like the time you wanted to try real Szechuan cooking. That was funny."
"That was trick and you know it!" Ron said. "The cook had it in for me when I said I didn't want the bird's nest soup!"
"Surrre he did." Kim said.
"Yeah?" Ron replied. "I'll bet you I can take more of these sauces than you can, KP."
Kim smirked. "You think so, huh?"
"I know so." Ron said confidently.
"Okay then, you're on." Kim said, returning to the hot sauce bar. "You and me, we each pick ten sauces. First one to call it off loses."
"Deal!" Ron said. The two of them grabbed a stack of paper condiment cups and began filling them.
The two of them faced off from the opposite sides of the table. Kim grinned evily at Ron, who returned an equally evil grin.
"So," Kim said. "Who goes first?"
"Got it covered." Ron answered. "Rufus?"
Rufus climbed onto the table, holding a quarter. He tossed it into the air. "Call it!"
"Heads!" Kim said. The coin clattered to the table. Ron looked aty it and smirked again.
"Tails." He reported. "Looks like you're up first, KP."
"Bring it." Kim said nonchalantly.
Ron grabbed a tortilla chip and dipped it in one of the sauces in front of him. "I didn't want to win too easily, so we'll start off slow." He passed the chip to Kim. "Georgia Peach and Vidalia Onion Sauce."
Kim took the chip and bit off the end with the sauce. She smiled as the flavor hit her. "Not bad. Kinda sweet with a nice bite to it. Your turn." She dipped another chip and handed it to Ron. "Key Lime."
Ron took the chip and downed it. "Oh please, Key Lime is for amateurs. Good, but stricly a small time sauce." He pqassed another sauce dipped chip to Kim. "Lizard Spit."
Kim made a face. "Lizard Spit?"
"A succulent blend of jalapeno, habanero, cayenne, and Serrano peppers. Gauarnteed to clear your sinuses in fifteen seconds." Ron said. "That is, if you think you can handle it."
Kim frowned and snatched the chip away from Ron. She put it in her mouth and chewed. Ron looked at her with a smug expression. A few seconds later, Kim felt the burn. Her eyes widened and she pounded the table with a fist, before grabbing her soda and downing a third of it in one gulp.
"Ha! Told ya." Ron said. Kim gave him a look and passed over another chip.
"So you wanna play that way, huh?" she said. "Fine. Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally."
Ron looked at Kim, shocked. "KP!"
"It's the name of the sauce, Ron."
"Oh, right." Ron took the chip and put it in his mouth. "Not bad. Decent bite. Nice habanero flavor." He paused as he felt the heat rising in his mouth.
"Good reaction time." His eyes started to water. "Wow. Nice choice, Kim. Let's see here...ah."
He picked up a cup filled with a dark purple sauce and dipped another chip into it. "Time to stop fooling around. Endorphin Rush."
Kim took the chip, looking at the purple sauce suspiciously. She sniffed it and recoiled almost immediately as her sinuses opened up. "WHOA!"
"You gonna eat it, or do you just want to give up now?" Ron said. Kim looked at him and chomped down viciously on the chip. No sooner had she swallowed than her eyes bulged, her face turned bright red and she felt her hair follicles sweating. She slammed her fists on the table and grabbed a stack of napkins as her eyes and nose began running. She downed the rest of her soda, ran to the soda fountain, refilled her cup and downed that before refilling and coming back to the table.
Her face was still bright red and her hair was disheveled. She glared at Ron.
"That was a dirty trick."
"All's fair in love and hot sauce challenges, Kim." Ron said.
"Okay then, you asked for it." Kim grabbed a dark orange sauce and passed the chip over to Ron. "Blair's Possible Side Effects. And I certainly hope there are some."
Ron downed the chip without blinking. "Mmm...pumpkin...O.J..." His face started to turn pink. "Woooo!" He grabbed his own soda and drank it down.
"Yowza!" he said, flushed. He looekd at Kim who was grinning. "Oh you're gonna get it now, missy."
And so it went for the next few minutes. Gator Hammock, Dave's Insanity Sauce, Habby Habenero's Slap Your Mama, Betrayed, Mongo, Pyromania, Purgatory, Scorned Woman, Pain and Suffering, Orange Crush. Each sauce, while not necessarily hotter than the last, was starting to take it's toll on both of them. By the time they got down to the last two sauces each, both were breathing rather heavily and had refilled their sodas about eight times.
Kim was also becoming aware of an odd prickling sensation in the back of her throat. She had tried to rinse the feeling out with her soda. She really would have liked to use water, but she had read somewhere that water would actually make things worse. But no matter how many times she rinsed and drank, the prickling sensation wouldn't go away. She figured it was some kind of warning her body was sending her to stop.
But there was no way she was going to let Ron get confirmation that she couldn't take it. She was Kim Possible, dammit! What did it say if she couldn't handle some stupid hot sauce?
"Who's turn is it?" she asked.
"Yours." Ron said. "I've got two left. I'll let you choose. Ass Reaper or You Can't Handle This?"
"I told you there's no way I'm eating something called Ass Reaper. Gimme the You Can't Handle This."
Ron dipped the chip and handed it to Kim. She took it and shoved it in to her mouth without hesitation. She chewed and swallowed.
No sooner had she done so than the prickling sensation on the back of her throat exploded in outright pain. She felt the blood rush to her face and her lungs began to wheeze as her internal temperature skyrocketed. Ron's eyes widened as Kim started gasping for breath and she started gulping down her soda, then following it with his own.
"KP? You okay?"
Kim was was bashing the table with her fists. "..help.." she gasped, looking at Ron through tear filled eyes.
Oh crap. Meltdown! Ron thought. He bolted form his seat to the counter. "Ned! Gimme a tub of sour cream, stat!"
"A whole tub?" Ned looked at Ron. "What's the problem?"
"Kim's having a meltdown! Make with the sour cream!"
Ned's eyes widened and he dashed into the back of the kitchen, then tossed Ron a plastic tub. Ron grabbed a spoon from the utensil and straw counter and went back to the booth. He ripped the lid and plastic freshness seal off the tub and shoved the spoon into Kim's hand. "Eat this. Quick. It'll help."
Kim blinked through the tears and spooned up a huge glob of sour cream. She winced and put it in her mouth. As she swallowed, the pain subsided slightly. She grabbed another spoonful and downed it. As the pain lessened, she slowed down eating the sour cream. Finally, she put the spoon down and looked at Ron, her face still bright red.
"Okay, you win." She said.
"Are you okay?" Ron asked.
"I think so. I don't know what happened."
"You had a meltdown. Sometimes it happens when you try a bunch of hot sauces together. The residue of each sauce reacts with the others and triggers it. Soda and other liquids just make it worse. The sour cream helps quite a bit though."
"Remind me to never do that again." Kim said.
"No problem. Believe me, you're going to have to build up your tolerance again. I had a meltdown a couple of years ago. You may have noticed that I didn't take the Diablo sauce with the food for a few months back when we were twelve. When something like that happens, it totally kills your ability to take really hot sauces."
"Yeah," Kim looked at ROn. "I guess there's another thing that you can do better than me."
"Don't sweat it, KP. It's just a silly contest. The important thing is..." ROn grinned, stood up and started doing a victory dance. "Ron's the man! Ron's the Man! The Hot Sauce God!"
Kim frowned for a few seconds, then smiled as she saw her boyfriend gyrating like an idiot.
But he's MY hot sauce addicted idiot. Let him enjoy his victory.
Later that night, at the Stoppable hous, ROn's dad knoked on the bathroom door.
"ROnald? Are you all right? Your mother and I are worried."
"I'm fine, Dad!" Ron's voice came through the door. "I think the worst is over...wait, hang on...OH SWEET LORD! IT BURNS! WHY DOES IT BURN SO BAAAAAAD!"
Mr. Stoppable backed away from the the door, wisely deciding to give his son some privacy.
Author's Note: All the hot saues mentioned in this story are actual products that are comercially available. Kim's meltdown is based on personal experience.