Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are property of JKR and major companies.

Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and please review!

The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence

Chapter 5: Don't Want Your Hand this Time

A month went by; a month with nausea and vomiting every morning, nausea most of the day, deep aches and pains in areas most boys or men shouldn't have them. Most would say mood swings as well but then again perhaps they don't want to say so to my face or anywhere near me as a matter of fact.

Very few people in the house speak to me and since I have nothing but anger and biting hatred for most everything and everyone around me at the moment it is only appropriate for me to keep my mouth shut.

I stayed to myself and mostly kept to my room as the small parasitic like life grew deep inside me. Severus seemed to hover close as if watching and waiting for me to have another large break down. I expect that he would more than likely try to stop others from being harmed if such a thing were to happen perhaps for his own interests or perhaps our discussion last month; or was it a psychotic shouting match that had ended with me in tears; had made some headway in our less than friendly relationship and he was worried about me or for me.

Such an idea and general thinking are beyond me at this point. It feels like everyone wants or needs me for something, even Madam Pomphrey's visits feel needy and intrusive. She's always asking personal questions and touching me in places that I wish didn't exist; I was beginning to form a "birth canal" which made me some odd being stuck between male and female, a hermaphrodite if you will.

Each touch built my anger more and more. She must have noticed because soon her questions concerning me personally stopped and her touching lessened only a bit with a warning that it was unavoidable the larger I became.

Today I had settled myself on the small bed-like couch in front of the window and huddled my legs against my body with my arms wrapped around them while I stared out the window, watching as the now fallen leaves swirled around the ground in mini whirl pools of oranges, reds, yellows, browns and purples. It almost resembled a dark gothic rainbow.

"Watching the leaves in the wind again," I heard the familiarly deep voice ask from somewhere to my left.

"Yes."

"You can relate to them, can't you," he asked almost assuredly.

"Yes."

"Why," he asked as if urging me to use my voice. I wondered if he were forcing me to answer just to make sure I could speak or perhaps to see if I were still in my right mind or completely bonkers.

"They spend their lives attached to a tree and then are ripped away from it cruelly by the wind which then tosses it here and there on what seems a whim and the leaves follow or should I say are pulled along with no say. Kinda like my life wouldn't you say?"

"I suppose, but there are some leaves that fly from the group and make their own way," he said in a voice that dared me to prove him wrong.

I was sure he was provoking me, which he had a tendency to do as of late.

"Yes, but they often fall and are trampled on and then forgotten."

"Not always…"

His deep voice whispered through the room and with it a breeze which whipped my long ebony hair wildly around my face. I turned to look at him only to have my view obscured by a small whirlwind of multicolored leaves. They whirled in the air above in front of me before changing direction and whirling around me before finally landing atop me in various places.

"Some find a fonder place to land where those around them cherish them."

Before I could reply a brisk, "Goodbye Potter" was left in his shadows wake. I played with a deep red leaf twirling it in-between my thumb and pointer finger; wondering why had decided to give me in impromptu pep speech; if it was that. I was beginning to think our conversations bordered on therapy sessions.

My nausea had calmed and almost vanished as Halloween descended on us and with it gone I could focus more on what was happening to me and my body. I couldn't decided whether this was a positive thing or not just yet.

Small things had changed, barely noticeable to most strangers who saw me but very visible to those who see me almost daily.

My cheeks had filled out; plumping up just a bit, my hips had widened and a slight swell was now developing in my midsection causing my once visible abs and pecks to soften with the new coverage of fat. Under Mrs. Weasley's care I shouldn't have to worry about being underweight. I sometimes feel like a pig being fed for the slaughter when she sets my plate in front of me. I know she means well.

My long hair which I have yet to cut looks better than it ever has which supposedly has something to do with hormones. My chest has been sensitive and apparently it often happens with wizards but its just part of the process for most; it's 2/5 that can actually produce and lactate milk. I'm betting I'm one of the 2/5.

I am an emotional wreck and because of that I try to not enter any conversations. I go from elated to depressed in less than two seconds and from excited to anxious even quicker. The whole situation seems surreal still but it's hard to ignore all the signs.

Poppy showed up a today with grin once again in place as she asked if I was ready for another exam. I disliked exams but found them a necessary evil. I hadn't really had a chance to read up on pregnancy so every time Madam Pomphrey stopped by for a check up I felt like I was taking lessons, absorbing as much information as possible while trying to seem and act normal.

"Shall we have the exam in your room as usual," she asked loudly so that those around us could hear.

She had asked me once or twice if I had wanted anyone to sit in on my check ups and each time I had declined. I was betting she was hoping to create an interest so that someone would volunteer and no matter how eager the members in the household looked no one asked. I felt relieved at that but at the same time slightly upset. Even if I did want someone with me, who was I supposed to invite?

I sighed, "Let's get the basic uncomfortable prodding done and if there's anything you can do that's not embarrassing then whoever wants to join us can join us."

At that I watched multiple heads snap up and turn in our direction.

"Sounds like a plan to me Mr. Potter. Let's head upstairs," she said as she led the way.

I followed behind and when we entered my room I stripped from the waist down after she shut and locked the door and suffered through her usual exam of checking my still forming birth canal and when she was done that I was allowed to redress. I watched as she unlocked the door and opened it a crack letting any who might be waiting outside that they could enter.

I wasn't surprised to see Remus and Hermione enter but I was surprised by Severus' presence. I hid it by looking down and watched as Madam Pomphrey measured my waist and took notes.

"Still gaining weight and size; very good."

She then patted my bed and had me lay back exposing my stomach. She pulled her wand from her apron pocket and cast the same spell she had upon discovering my pregnancy causing a floating image to appear above my belly.

I could once again see the little critter that resided within me, but that little sea monkey had grown and changed in a few weeks. What I stared at now resembled a very tiny almost formed person; reminded me of me after I had eaten the Gilly Weed but in a simpler cartoonish version.

"It's gotten bigger," I said aloud. It was stupid comment but I couldn't think of anything brighter to say.

"I have something else you might be interested in," she said and with another swish of her wand more Latin was spoken and then a sound filled the room. It was a deep whooshing or soft drumming sound. I watched the image above me and it dawned on me what I was hearing.

"Is that…its heartbeat," asked Hermione.

"That it is, Miss. Granger," replied Madam Pomphrey with a small smile.

I watched the image and listened to its heartbeat and all of a sudden it felt "real". There was another person growing inside of me and soon I would push it into this world and this person would be dependant on me. This little individual would grow and become another person and the thought that I would help to make this child who she or he would be in the future was daunting and frightening.

I closed my eyes and opened them just in time to watch the image dissipate along with the heartbeats.

"All is developing well, be sure to keep eating all your meals and you should keep on the right course. If you have anymore nausea please ask Severus for a potion. He's here so you might as well make him feel useful. Same can be said for pain relief potions, although I highly suggest the lowest dose possible and the least potent."

With that she packed up her bag and turned to look at me once again, "I bid you good day dear. Enjoy the Fall holidays and I'll send a book by owl so that you can begin reading a bit more about what your body is going through, the school is in shambles and I doubt we'll have much contact except for regular check ups since I'll be visiting family in America."

I nodded and watched as she left the room leaving me with its current inhabitants.

"So we've kind of avoided the subject on what's happened and is happening since I was kidnapped…okay lets start at what happened after I left Hogwarts last year," I said as I sat up and watched as Ron who had been hiding out in the hall entered my room.

Remus took a seat on the bed across the room from mine and I watched as Hermione and then Ron took seats on the same bed, Severus decided to remain standing.

"A week after you were kidnapped the school was attacked. Professor Dumbledor and the others fought long and hard and quite valiantly but it didn't take long for the battle to wear on them, especially Professor Dumbledor. He had managed to find two of the horcrux's and decided to put an end to them himself. His body was much too weakened and he died on castle grounds," Remus said softly.

My breath caught and I closed my eyes. Why hadn't he waited? Had he feared I wouldn't return? Had he seen something of the future?

"With his death the Order continued the battle but it was decided to pull back and with our leaving the castle soon fell. They didn't stay long, it's rumored that the castle was not nearly as helpful for them. It was rumored you had been moved there and when formulated a plan to rescue you they moved," he said looking at me with remorseful amber eyes.

"And moved, and moved, and moved…", said Ron.

"We went with them; the Order, a few times and every time we got close they would scurry away like roaches," said Hermione.

"Every time we got information on your whereabouts they would leave again and that was when we suspected that our spies were soon to be discovered," said Remus looking unconsciously in Snapes direction.

"The Dark Lord had been very careful who he let near his 'prize' and the parties stopped. He had figured out it was me and the Malfoy's by our lack of appearances and when we found you unattended we took our chances," responded Severus.

"Why kept you from acting before," asked Hermione.

"At the time Lucius' wife Narcissa was still alive and in the Dark Lord's good favor but that changed as she spoke up in defense of Draco more and more. He had her 'punished' and at a meeting in front of everyone he used the killing curse," said Severus with an expression that said he had recalled the incident.

"I had been blood oathed to make sure Draco came out of this alive by Narcissa and we couldn't up and go with her still in their clutches. If there is one thing he is good at, it is using others to his advantage and Narcissa had become Draco's weakness and even she knew it. I believe that is why she made herself a target. I believe she provoked his wrath in the hopes that her death would free her son and husband," he looked up at me when he finished.

His words sent a shiver down my spine. I placed my hand on my slightly swollen belly and realized what he had said, "If he knows that I'm expecting then he would use the child against me."

"Exactly," he said.

I looked down at the floor, "Then we'll just have to make sure that he doesn't find out."

To Be Continued…..

Sorry it took so…long. I went through and fixed as much as I could on the beginning chapters and hopefully from here on out the story should begin to read better. Please continue reading and enjoy.

Kat