Batman isn't Gay.
Author's Note: It's official, I can not go up to the mountains for the weekend without being attacked by plot bunnies. I write at twice as much up here as I do in the same amount of time at home and get at least two or three new fic ideas. Of course most of the time I end up writing at least half of the new fic before I get a chance to catch a breath or finish other ones. Thus, this complete one shot.
Normally, a little gossip about his guardian didn't hardly register as noticeable on Richard Grayson's meter of things-to-pay-attention-to. After all, when didn't Gotham city talk about one or both of his parent figure's identities. It was simple day to day life to hear the latest rumor about the Prince of Gotham or the Dark Knight. But this week, he wanted to check nearly every person he met for some new concoction of Joker's. Everyone had the same gossip going through their minds it seemed, whether they knew it or not. I mean really! It was beyond ridiculous! Who in their right mind would even think that Bruce…Bruce, much less Batman was…it was just ridiculous! The only thing more preposterous was the fact that everyone seemed to believe it!
He'd heard the part about Bruce and him before, any Junior High jerk could come to that sort of idiotic conclusion when a rich single young man adopted a young boy, but he'd doubled up laughing when a classmate had told him very seriously that Batman was gay. Tommy had seen it in the Gotham Inquirer that 'behavior experts' had analyzed all the information on the elusive vigilante and declared that "the actions and costumes of The Batman and his young partner Robin conclusively implied homosexual behavior". When Dick had borrowed the paper from Tom to take home and laugh at, he'd accidentally left it where Alfred could easily find it, causing a bit of drama at Wayne Manor as the horrified major domo had questioned him about it. The conclusion of the whole thing being, he promised Alfred not to ever bring "unprintable trash" like that into the house again and a lecture from Bruce about trying not to worry Alfred like that. Dick took Batman's slightly embarrassed comments on the subject to mean that Bruce wanted him to try not worry Alfred about his emotional stability because it got Bruce in to trouble over whether this was healthy way to raise a boy, by a playboy and a crimefighter.
In any case, that had not been the end of the whole thing, everywhere he looked it seemed someone was talking about Batman or Bruce Wayne's sexuality. In the six days after the Inquirer incident, the fourteen-year-old acrobat had heard three separate comments on his relationship with Bruce, either as Dick or Robin, from street thugs, two from socialites gossiping, four snickering conversations behind his back at school, two taunts during lunch, a joke from the Riddler, and one snide comment directly to Bruce about his "boytoy" at the New Year's Party Bruce had dragged him to. It was the closest he'd ever seen Bruce to breaking character, perhaps because he'd been standing right next to him at the time and Bruce knew he heard it. The large man's fists had clenched in tune with his jaw as he used all his control not to physically lash out at the jealous woman in front of him, it had been Dick's hand on his shoulder that had pulled the worlds greatest detective out of his funk enough to say "Gracie dear, you really shouldn't use that sort of language in front of children. Alfred's already after me as it is for lazy habits in front of Dick, doesn't make good parenting you know!"
The poor Boy Wonder was fed up with everyone's thoughts on his life! It was bad enough that he and Bruce had to hear that sort of thing now and then, but since the party, Bruce had been really wigged out about his interaction with Dick, partly because he was starting to share Alfred's worry that it was affecting him, but why couldn't Bruce see that it was just stupid gossip and get back to normal already! Tonight though, tonight had taken the cake! He'd been chasing Catwoman around Gotham as Batman dealt with a bunch of thugs and they'd run into Poison Ivy, which was bad enough in it's own right, but she'd apparently been mad a Selina for something and had started taunting both Robin and Catwoman about the Bat as they'd struggled with her botanical underlings.
"So what'd my friend the Cat do to get the little bird all riled up? I mean I know why she'd come after you, first there's basic biology, then you did steal her man, I heard. How horrible, that lovely black specimen of manliness and he'd rather have a little boy instead of you…"
"Batman is NOT GAY!" yelled two voices at once.
Robin and Catwoman stared at each other for a moment before spring simultaneously from their bonds. Oh yeah, the green queen was going DOWN! For the first time, Robin was able to enjoy the Cat's speed and agility without cursing her ability to escape him so much easier than the average criminal. So this is what Bruce thought about when he caught him staring after her with that unreadable look on his face: How nice it would be if she were just on their side for once. With skill and surety, the two of them subdued Ivy's creatures and the dangerous villain was knocked out in the struggle.
Catwoman and Robin stared at each other as the caught their breaths from the display of extreme gymnastics they'd just put on.
"You're going to have them lock the green witch up, right?"
"That is my job."
"Good. Stupid cow, believe that idiotic drivel they've been spreading about him."
The boy just looked at her.
"So, you been hearing the same trash I have, huh kid?"
"Only all the time!"
"Tough. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff a kid your age shouldn't hear about him, that I've heard. They've even been gossiping about another old boyfriend of mine the same way."
"You heard that too, huh. It shook me for a minute. Bruce is a little off, like he's not all the way there when you talk to him, but I know when a man's attracted to me and both of them want me, even if the Bat won't admit he'd love to have our little play time naked."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I did not need that image in my head! Don't you think I've been traumatized enough recently!"
"Sorry, Junior. Sometimes it's hard to remember he's really your pops. I kinda feel sorry for you kid, this stuff must be really bugging you."
"Enough that you'll hand over the nice diamond without making me wrestle you for it?" Robin put on his best poor innocent kid look.
"My, my, you do take after daddy, don't you. Except for that sense of humor I still can't get out of him."
"It takes a lot of work to make him crack a smile." Dick agreed.
"You're telling me! Alright, fine. You can have the little jewel if you never breath a word that I cooperated."
A pleasantly surprised Robin pocked the stone as he smiled at her. "Even to the Boss? You never know, having the kids on your side is a big asset in a relationship!"
"Shoo, before I decide to take you home and keep you until Bats gives in."
"It wouldn't work out anyway, he's too stubborn to give into demands."
"Can't blame a girl for trying!" shouted the princess of plunder as she dove off into the night.
By the time Robin toted the unconscious Poison Ivy to the Police Headquarters, Batman was already there talking to Commissioner Gordon. The two looked on in surprise as the young hero turned over the jewel and the villain over to the commissioner. Batman stared down at his partner for a minute after his old friend departed back inside.
"Good work. How did you get the diamond from Selina and catch Ivy on your own?"
Robin smirked at his mentor.
"Let's just say that Pam was in the wrong place at the wrong time and said the wrong things to the wrong people."
The dark knight stared at his young charge as he swung off the roof.
"Alfred's right, he is getting more and more like me every day. He used to answer questions normally. Kids!"