I'm going crazy. I unwittingly started another chapter fic (aside from this one) and I'm already having enough trouble as it is trying to update "Karma" and "Onegai".
Bad Jules. Bad, bad girl.
At any rate, this is another weird chapter.
The KBB searched (and pantsed) late into the evening and their precious Sasuke-kun was nowhere in sight.
Collapsing against a booth at the Ichiraku, the trio ordered dinner and began to pick at their steaming hot ramen bowls once they arrived.
Swirling her spoon into her soup, Tenten asked, "You don't think he... you know... left Konoha?"
"No! Don't say that, Tenten! Sasuke would NEVER go back to the Sound!" Ino harshly whispered, whipping her head around to make sure no one caught her words.
Sakura bit her chopsticks in worry. Truthfully she had thought the same thing herself, but she knew that Sasuke was good at not wanting to be found.
She shook her head and smiled brightly. "Ladies, we need to relax. It's been a really, really long day and I think we should go home and get some sleep."
Finishing the rest of their meal, the girls paid their tab and walked out of the restaurant. A few blocks later they spotted a drowsy Gai making his way up to his apartment.
Sakura froze as the gears in her head began to turn. Gai was hairy. He had once grown a disgustingly uncool moustache at one point. She had seen him donning an afro. He had freakishly bushy eyebrows.
She grabbed Ino and Tenten's arms, quietly muttering, "It's probably him!"
"Gai-sensei? C'mon, Sakura! Why would Gai-sensei grope Hinata? He's creepy, but not molester-creepy!" bit Tenten in defense of her former teacher, trying hard to ignore the images of Lee and Gai and their many "youthful" hugs. "Besides, you can't pants him. He wears a frickin' BODYSUIT!"
Tenten and Sakura cringed. But where was Ino? And WHY WAS MAITO GAI WALKING UP TO THEM?
They waved at Gai nervously. "Good evening, Gai-sensei..."
"Shh! It's me!" Ino (Gai) said, flipping her (his) hair, forgetting that there was no hair to flip.
Her friends flinched. "INO! How did you get IN there?" Sakura screeched.
"SHHHHHH!" Ino practically screamed, putting her (Gai's) hand over the pinkette's mouth. "It's my Shintenshin-no-Jutsu! His mind in its sleepy state was easy to take! Now! Do we want to see Gai's hairy behind or NOT?"
"NOT!" Tenten screamed. It was as if her nightmare had come to life!
"SHHHH!" Ino (Gai) said, clamping her (his) free hand over the Weapon mistress' mouth. "People are getting suspicious!"
"Ino-Pig," Sakura started, removing the large appendage from her lips. "We're in a dark alleyway, your body's slumped in a corner, OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SUSPICIOUS!" she fumed.
"Whatever. Just shut up and cover me." Immediately she (Gai) hid herself behind a dumpster to divest of his clothing.
Sakura peeked, and made a face. "EWWW, GROSS!"
"Look, I only have two minutes left! I'm stripping! You guys take a peek when I tell you to!" Gai (Ino) quickly removed his Jonin vest but began to struggle inside the jumper. "Tenten! How do you take this thing OFF?"
Tenten blushed eighty shades of red. "How the heck am I supposed to know?" she seethed indignantly.
"C'mon, you've gotta help me!"
Tenten and Sakura each turned towards the side they each grabbed one of Gai's sleeves and began to pull downward, exposing his broad shoulders, muscular chest, and YIKES! His maleness.
Who knew Maito Gai went COMMANDO!
Ino looked down unwittingly. Holy cow, Gai was PACKING SAUSAGE!
"Hrrgghh... gaaahh... muhhh..." Poor Ino was shell-shocked. His (her) knees weakened, and he (she) turned around, facing Sakura.
Tenten quickly turned her head and looked downward. Gai was as smooth as a baby's bottom. She just wished that she hadn't seen that odd little purple birthmark on his left cheek…
"See, guys? I told you it couldn't be him!" she muttered uncomfortably, unaware of Ino's plight because she was too surprised from having seen her sensei's pale, hairless buttocks.
Sakura opened her eyes and looked down as well (to confirm Tenten's discovery).
"YOU PERVERT!" she hollered.
Overwrought by the absurdity of the situation she was placed in, she punched Gai through the wall. Fortunately for the KBB, Ino had found a way back into her body, but she was still traumatized.
Not knowing what to do with Gai's body, they found a few newspapers and covered him up as best as they could (without trying to take a glimpse of the appendage that ran halfway down his thigh) and they each ran home, hoping that sleep would help them forget what they had seen.
Sai, who happened to live in the vicinity, found Gai and took him home, but not before admiring the man's crotch.
"Now that's what I call a penis. Penis, penis, penis! How very lovely!" he smiled.
I couldn't resist the Sai name-drop. I think I owe Gai for poking so much fun at him in one of my other stories. Gai's reward is a HUUUUGE... well, you know. I think it's penance enough.
If you're laughing, that makes me happy.