Lotte- I love you so much hun please never forget that. No matter how sucky things are in your life know I'm always here for you, and always will be.
Hours turned to days, and days to months, but I took no real notice. I moved among the sisters, then among the others at school, but I was no longer there, not truly. I cannot describe to you the pain that lodged itself in my heart that night I clung to Chris's hand desperately pleading to any higher deity that would listen to let me take his place, but no amount of pleading or magic could save him, I failed him.
Rumors where whispered behind my back, everyone wondered what had happened to me. I never cared to find out exactly what they where saying, but it really didn't matter. Nothing mattered. After all, I no longer lived in this world, yes I walked in it, but I was trapped in memories, even when ducking and casting curses, that faithful night flooded back.
"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius barked, laughing at the woman who's wand was pointed at his chest, her black hair spinning around her body as she chased after him, dodging the spells he himself was casting. The man standing before me with his wand spat another wave of red light from its tip, and yet again I deflected it, before sending him flying across the room, glass that hung on the wall shattering at the force of his body.
For the first time since that night I grinned, directing my gaze to Sirius, only to have it fall. A stream of light hit him square in the chest, his grin had yet to disappear completely, a look of shock hung on his face. Harry's scream echoed in my ear as he fell gracefully backwards, into a ragging veil I had not noticed before. It was whispering, the veil, haunting sounds that were not quite words.
"Sirius!" I could feel my vocal cords vibrating, my feet hitting the stone floor through the thin canvas shoes, the veil rushing closer. The thudding of my heart drowned out the chaos of the raging battle around me, all that mattered was Sirius, he had fallen and I had to save him. My body wrenched back when a pair of strong hands gripped my forearms,ripping my from my quest.
"Let me go, I have help him." I screamed, who else could heal him I wanted to say, but stopped myself at the last moment.
"It's too late!" Lupin spoke, but it was not to me, his voice came from just to my side, where he was restraining Harry, who must have been in the same blind need to save our godfather. I looked over at him, finally getting a glimpse of the man holding me back, his silver beard contrasting against the black fabric of my clothes, Dumbledore.
"There's nothing you can do Harry... Nothing... He's gone."
The world around me disappeared. Lupin, Harry, the veil, the slew of wizards locked in battle, they where all gone, replaced by random pieces of furniture, many of which were snapped and broken. My heart was racing, my eyes darting around, until they laid upon him.
"Chris!" My voice was lost to the horrid scene before me, as I collapsed down beside his broken body, holding back the tears that longed to flow seeing the gapping wound, his shirt wet with crimson. "Chris," I cried out, focusing on healing him, but the wound continued to leak beneath the golden glow of the power surging through my palms.
"Jamie, what are doing here? I told you to stay away." his face winced in pain, his hands clenching down on the wound.
"I have to get you help."
"No-" He grabbed my arm, his nails digging into my skin unintentionally.
"Help me to our bed?" I couldn't bring myself to argue with him, pressing my forehead against his I orbed us to where he had asked, laying his head down gently on the pillow, tears coursing down my cheeks, landing on his own skin.
"You're going to be fine." I kissed his forehead, trying to stop myself from crying, but unable to. "I'm going to heal you, and then we can both go home."
"Jamie, I'm sorry, I told you to stay away for a reason, I didn't want you to see me die." His words made no sense in my mind, but it wasn't them that I was worried about, it was him, it was keeping him alive.
"I'll... I'll take you to a hospital, there they can save you." He pressed his finger to my lips, tears spilling from his own eyes, mixing with my own.
"Jamie, please, just lay beside me, can you do that?" choking back the sobs that were arising in my throat, I obeyed him, laying my head on the pillow beside him, wrapping my arm around his waist.
"I love you Chris, you can not die." My voice cracked as I spoke, the severity of the situation finally hit me: he was dying, my love was dying. He chuckled, although I knew it caused him even more pain. Turning his head towards mine he kissed me softly.
"You forget I am being born."
"But you won't remember me, you won't love me." I found myself saying, bringing myself closer to him, the sleeve of my shirt absorbing the blood from his wound.
"I could never forget you, I will come back to you, I promise you that." he kissed me once more, this time lingering at my lips.
"please do not mourn, I will not be able to watch you mourn-" he cut himself off with a painful whimper, the pain overcoming his body.
"Please no, please, Chris. I love you, don't leave me like this." My pleading was lost, closing his eyes, he let his life slip away, his body fading into nothing.
The memory faded, returning me back to within the walls of the Ministry of Magic. I was no longer surrounded by the countless order members and death eaters. Instead I found myself standing over a shadowed figure, hits unearthly hands groping at wound on it's back, it was screaming out in rage. I knew this figure, it was the same as in the graveyard a year ago. It wasn't till then I noticed the weight in my right hand, looking down I was socked to find a dagger, the tip soaked in a liquid black as as night, the same that flowed from the wound. I had caused it.
The figure rose, looking at me with red eyes, the hatred burning holes into my skin.
"You..." It hissed, withdrawing its sword.
"I killed you!"
"You didn't do a good enough job!" I found myself screaming at him, my body tingled as it does with rage racks through my body, the energy causing my hair to billow out around me.
"Next time, finish the job fucking properly!" I threw him against the wall, pinning him up in the air. I didn't care if I exposed my powers to him, I didn't care if the world knew.
It was at that moment I realized how stupid all this was, how stupid raging wars over good and evil. All it does it take lives, stealing away the ones we love. There really isn't a difference between the sides, we all breath, we all bleed, we all think we are doing right. Who is to say who is right?
"Jamie!" I heard Dumbledore call from behind me, the head master came to stand beside me, watching him try to brake from my grip. I let the man fall to the floor, his wand flying to rest in my hand. Glaring at Dumbledore I snapped the thin piece of wood into two piece, throwing them to the floor.
"Deal with your war, I'm done. I won't be a weapon." with those parting words I orbed away, returning to the school.
I have no where to go, did you know that? This school is it, and tomorrow all the students will pile onto the train, and go back to their lives. I can't do that. I have no home to go back to. I can't return to the sisters, I can't look at Piper's child without bursting into tears. Chris's memory already haunts me enough here, I cannot imagine what will it be like back at our home. The order will never let me return to Sirius's home, it's their headquarters. With him gone, they won't put up with me, they won't let me stay if I refuse to fight The Dark Lord. This is my only option.
I looked over the pictures that sat on my nightstand, one of Harry, Ron, and Hermione laughing, one of me and Chris, the final of the sisters.
"Good bye." Kissing my hand I laid it against each picture, before looking up though the window, the sky was just starting to turn a light blue.
It was time.
Bringing the blade up to my neck, I almost laughed at the irony in it. It was the same knife I plunged into the Dark Lord, and now I was to plunge it into myself. Just as the blade pressed into my flesh, something gripped my arm, ripping it away, leaving only a small trickle.
"What-" I spun to find who had ruined myone opportunity, ready to scream and hit them, to vent my disappointment on them, but they pressed my to them, running their hands through my hair.
No, it can't be. He's dead.
"Jamie, you can't do that." His voice danced in my ear, Chris. Pulling away the figure I gasped looking into his face, it was him, Chris, my Chris.
"How? You're dead!"
"Shh... have you not learned by now nothing is ever final, not even death." I can not argue with him, all that matters to me is that he is here, holding me. Chris is with me, he stopped me from ending my life.
He saved me, again.