Welcome, one and all, to the newest Tacochickenwings classic-type story! Yep...I started off with things like this. The idea for this next bit of pervert trash just sort of popped into my mind. I know I promised the sequel to Accidentally In Love...I'm getting to that... So that story will be out soon. It still needs a name though.
Anyway, it's time for the story warning: beware of yaoi, yuri, cross-dressing, drugs, alcohol, sex, sex, swearing, sex, and...well, yeah.
Anyway, enjoy it.
Oops, by the way -- I must say that some of the chapters in this may turn out really short. That's because when writing a mega-ass long story like Love and Iniquity, it gets more than just tedious when you write those extremely long chapters. It's stressful. I'm writing this for my enjoyment too.
Yeah. Ok, go read now. And please review! Chapter 2 will be out whenever.
Married With Freaks
Started on July 18, 2006
Chapter 1 -- Mind Your Erections
Another day of the same old-same old, Jack thought as he tugged off his boots after stepping into the house. With a sigh, the young farmer took off his hat, ran a hand through his heinously odd-shaped hair, and looked around at the empty house before him.
Yep. Alone again. With a silence like this, I can hardly believe I'm married...
Jack rummaged through the fridge and selected an old beer. He sure did drink a lot these days. But wouldn't you, if you had been in such a situation?
Jack was the victim of something of an unhappy marriage. He married his wife off of motivation stemming from a simple dare made by his best (or perhaps not...) friend Kai, a young man who ran the Snack Shack on the beach...
Jack strutted up all cool-like to Kai's Snack Shack, his hands in his pockets.
A tan, twenty-some man wearing a purple bandana over his black hair looked up at the farmer as he approached, and grinned. "Hey, Jack. Tryin' to be ghetto again?"
"Yep, is it workin'?"
Jack shrugged and said, "Well, whatever. Get me a corndog, slim."
Kai rummaged through some boxes down behind the stand. "Sure thing."
The stand owner handed Jack his order, and in return, Jack gave his friend the money. That left time for chat.
"So, Jack, gotten laid lately?" Kai asked casually.
Jack grumbled and looked away in embarassment. Kai gasped.
"YOU, of all people, have not gotten laid these past three days!"
"I've fucked almost every girl in this town twice, damn you, and --"
"What about the bo --"
"DON'T EVEN SAY IT, KAI. Anyway, I've fucked just about every girl in town, and damn, you're gonna be surprised when I say this, but...I'm getting a little bored of this swing-swing sorta life. You dig?" Jack explained.
Kai took a step back, his brown eyes wide as he shook his head.
"I...I'm afraid I don't see what you're saying, Jack... Get bored? Of women? Jack, are you sure you're not gay?"
Jack squeezed his corndog so tightly it popped, and began to ooze some strange sort of liquid. Jack quickly dropped it and wiped the liquid off his hand, wondering briefly what Kai made his corndogs out of before resuming the conversation.
Angrily, he turned back to Kai and protested, "NO, Kai, I am not gay! What more can I say about this? I'm bored of the women in this town."
"But Jack, you haven't fucked EVERY woman! Take Nami, for instance...and the Harvest Witch...and the Harvest Goddess, to name a few..."
"Nami bit the dick off the last guy who tried to get in her pants, remember? That was Rick. And the Harvest Witch, she's...I dunno...a little intimidating. But the Goddess, I...I...i-is that even legal?"
The Harvest Goddess was a fine slice of meat, in Jack's mind. Totally hot knockers. And not a bad face, either. But she was above everyone else, which was pretty natural, considering she was a goddess an' all.
"And besides," he added, "I've banged all the bachelorettes from Mineral Town. That's gotta count as enough..."
"So you think," Kai remarked, snorting and fixing a smoothie for himself. "And about you saying the Goddess is too high up -- well, why not give it a try? Judging by the way you stuttered when I mentioned fuckin' her, I take it you like her?" He grinned and nudged his farmer friend, who blushed at the comment.
"Well, maybe...whatever..." Jack grumbled embarassedly, shrugging.
A mischevious look crossed Kai's features. Jack demanded to know the cause.
"Well," said Kai, "I was thinking that perhaps we could have a little bet..."
"Yeah, I guess I dig, home slice."
Kai began to explain the dare in a quick, no-breath fashion: "Well, since you're bored of just sex, why not get married? I say that you should not only bed with the Goddess, but marry her as well. Of course, as long as you have 10,000 steps on your pedometer, ship 10,000 items and one of every shippable item, catch at least 10,000 fish, reach the bottom of the first mine, unlock all 9 channels of the Sprite Station, give the Goddess 500 gifts, be in your fifth year or later, get the Legendary Sword, unlock the field behind the Waterfall, discover every different item in each of the four mines, and then find all 101 Harvest Sprites."
Jack was silent in bewilderment.
"Who-the-what-fuck?" he blurted out at last. With a sigh, Kai resaid everything, then wrote it down on a piece of paper for Jack.
"Those are the requirements," said the tan man. "Are you gonna take me up on the dare?"
"Well...what have I got to lose, right, dawg?"
Jack smirked bitterly. Such happy memories. It took a few years, but he fulfilled every requirement, and buttered up the Goddess until she was simply exhilerated with the prospect of marrying Jack, and by that time, he was pretty curious about married life himself. But it didn't take him long to wish he could regain his single ways...
Right after the wedding, the Harvest Goddess confessed that she could not live with Jack, and had to remain in her little pond. Jack bitched, but his bride had merely raised a hand and told him to shut the fucking hell up, for it was her responsibility to stay in that pond, as a Goddess. Jack inquired as to why, and she wouldn't even tell him the answer. The Goddess returned to that pond half an hour after the wedding, which meant no sex on the wedding night. In fact, during their whole six months of marriage, Jack and his wife had only had sex four times. Even heavy-duty masturbation wasn't enough to cover up the lonliness and annoyance Jack felt. He would lay in bed at night, wondering if he had doomed himself to a shitty marriage. Would it be saved? Would they divorce? Was the Harvest Goddess finding better sex elsewhere?
After indulging himself in an entire carton of ice cream he called dinner, Jack decided to go for a stroll. Maybe he could go to the Blue Bar and time himself on how long it took him to get hammered...again. Usually, it took quite a while, as Jack's alcohol tolerance was very high.
The night sky was just barely up when Jack left the house. And then, loud and clear, came the sound of a cow's cry of distress! And it was coming from Jack's barn!
"Oh, shit, what's wrong now!" he murmured, racing off to see what the matter was.
Inside the barn huddled a group of harassed looking cows. Takakura, Jack's deceased father's best friend and his now-ranchhand, was standing nearby, stock still.
"Takakura? Takakura, what happened?"
Surprised, Takakura turned around quickly. Jack always wondered how he could see through those impossibly bushy eyebrows of his...
"Jack!" Takakura cried out in his deep, raspy voice. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard a cow cry... Sounded pretty distressed," Jack explained.
Takakura rubbed the back of his head and replied awkwardly, "I, uh...no trouble here. I didn't lay a finger on them, ok?"
"...I didn't say you did."
"Well, y'know...for the record, I didn't."
Awkward silence. Then, Takakura said, "So, have you had any erections today, Jack?"
This was a question that would puzzle most, but Jack was used to it. Takakura asked him every day.
With a heavy sigh, the young farmer replied, "No, Takakura, I haven't had any erections today."
"Oh. Too bad. Neither have your cows."
"...That's good...I'll be going now..."
Jack made for the exit, with Takakura saying to his back, "Ok, have fun, young'un. Mind those erections now, alright?"
Jack left the farm at a quick pace, wondering why his father and Takakura had been best friends, which lead him to believe that there was possibly a side of his father that he hadn't known about...and didn't really care to know.
Jack strolled in the direction of the bar when something suddenly rammed into his side, knocking the wind out of him and sending him gasping to the ground.
"Jack, Jack! Like, oh my gawd, Jack! Jack, Jack, Jack!" squealed a voice. Jack opened his eyes, only to find most of his vision impaired by a set of huge knockers in his face. Clutching his chest, he squeaked in surprise. His "attacker" backed off a little, and Jack found himself face-to-face with a young woman with long, curly blonde hair, fear-wide green eyes, wearing a skimpy red dress. It was Muffy, the barmaid at the Blue Bar.
"Muffy...gawd...what the hell's the matter with you, bitch?" he groaned, wincing.
Muffy didn't seem to pay any mind to the insult. She was trembling in fear.
"Jack, I'm going to get raped!" she squeaked in a voice barely above a whisper, her green eyes flicking from side to side nervously.
"Here!" Muffy reached into her dress and pulled a note out from between her huge breasts. Jack unfolded it and read:
Dear Bar Slut,
I am coming to nooky you at a quarter to nine. Get ready with the fine wine.
Steiner the Thief/Pimp/Chef/Rapist/Magician
"Who the fuck is Steiner?" Jack wondered aloud after reading the note. That name did sound familiar...
"Hello, earth to Jack! He's only the best theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician around!" Muffy informed him.
And then it hit Jack -- he knew who Steiner was.
"Oh, shit, it's Steiner... But isn't he only in Harvest Moon: Sprite Station FOR GIRL? He shouldn't be here, he's not in the boy version!"
"Well, like it or not, he's coming to jazz with me!" Muffy cried. "I just found the letter taped to my back, and I didn't know who to turn to...and I...I saw you walking down the street, so I figured I'd just go after you!" The busty barmaid burst into tears.
"Umm...ok then... I'll protect you...on one condition."
"I get free drinks all night. Deal?" said Jack, extending his hand.
"D-deal..." sniffled Muffy, reaching out and shaking it.
Jack stood up and wiped the dirt off his overalls. "Well, Muffy, now that we have that settled, let's say you go down to the Blue Bar and started preparing me all my favorite drinks, ok?"
Muffy jumped to her feet and nodded quickly. "Yes, yes, of course, Jack!" And off she bustled, down the road.
Jack chuckled to himself. "Sucker...!"
The farmer then realized that she had left him with the note. Jack read over it again, shrugged, and was about to ball it up and toss it over his shoulder when something fell out of the nearby tree and landed on top of him, once again sending him to the ground. Jack screamed bloody murder, fearing suffocation, as his face was pressed into the dirt by someone's ass.
"Ger off meh!" he shrieked, his mouth filling up with dirt.
"Oopsy." The culprit sounded male. Whoever it was got off of Jack, who immediately sat up and gasped for air.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN? YOU TRYIN'A KILL ME!" Jack whirled around to face the unknown assailant. As it turns out, it was Steiner.
Steiner was hot. Even Jack thought so. The theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician had fair skin, mid-length white hair, and electrifying aquamarine eyes.
But I'm not gay for him or anything! Seriously! Jack thought, blushing.
"Jeez. Sorry. I fell out of the tree, and I didn't mean to land on you, ok?" replied Steiner.
Jack stood up again and went on, "Second of all, what are you even DOING here? You're only in Sprite Station: For Girl!"
"Dude, don't tell me what to do. I go where I please. I am, after all, a theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician."
"Yeah, which is also why it's pretty damn stupid of you to be standing out in the middle of this here street. Aren't you afraid of getting caught?"
Steiner considered that for a moment.
He looks so cute when he's considering... Jack thought. Shit, wait -- I'm not attracted to guys! Seriously!
"...I suppose there's reason in that," Steiner finally said. "But whatever." He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a cigarette, and a lighter.
"You want a smoke?" asked the T.P.C.R.M.
"Huh? You smoke?" was Jack's reply.
"Pot. Do you want some or not?"
"Nah, I'm gonna get wasted anyway. No point in getting high at the same time, right? My wife might smite me. Literally."
"I guess," said Steiner, shrugging and lighting the dope.
Jack realized something. "Wait, Steiner, aren't you a little early? This note you left Muffy says you're not supposed to rape her until a quarter to nine." He handed the note to Steiner, who glanced at it in mild surprise.
"Oh. I forgot I wrote that."
"Then what are you doing here, exactly?"
Steiner took a drag from the pot, replying, "Wanted to see if I could score with Nami and Karen at the same time. You see, I have this bet with Kappa..."
"I don't wanna know, man. And don't even ATTEMPT Nami -- she bit Rick's dick off," Jack warned.
Steiner giggled. Jack figured that he was probably starting to get stoned by now.
"'Rick' and 'dick' rhyme!"
"Well, it's been nice talking to you, Steiner. Good luck with raping Muffy. I have some free drinks I need to tend to, so I guess I'll see ya around." Jack started for the bar, waving to Steiner over his shoulder.
"Alrighty then. See ya, dude."
Jack stumbled into his house a few hours later, totally trashed. Without bothering to shut the door, Jack unsteadily made his way to his bed, but not before puking all over it. And then he passed out.
Before he knew it, the sun was glaring angrily through the window and right into Jack's eyes. He whimpered and burrowed under the covers. And damn, it was one fuck of a hangover...
"Good morning, darling!" a cheery voice cried out. The covers were ripped off of Jack's body, and he once again found himself the victim of the blinding sun.
"Wakey wakey!" A pair of hands grabbed Jack's shoulder and started to shake him. Jack remained unresponsive, wishing he would just pass out or die or SOMETHING.
"I said, 'wakey wakey'!" the still-cheery voice repeated. A hard, painful slap was delivered to Jack's face, and he growled angrily and opened his bloodshot eyes. The annoyance of the morning just so happened to be the Harvest Goddess. Jack had to admit, she was radiant as she always was.
Damn immortals...they always look good... he thought bitterly.
"You reek! Go take a shower, and I'll show you what I made you for breakfast!" the Harvest Goddess said.
"W-wait...honey bee, what're you doin' here? Didn't you have to stay at the pond today...?" Jack questioned, rubbing his sore eyes.
"I took the day off to be with you! Now go and shower."
Feeling a little pleasantly surprised, Jack went and showered at a turtle-like pace. When he trudged out of the bathroom again, his wife was at the stove, stirring something in a pot. Jack swallowed, not sure if he could keep anything down. The very thought of food was nauseating...
"I'm not feeling too good...I think I'll skip breakfast..." Jack said softly, slinking back to the bed. He shrieked in surprise when he saw that it was covered in Harvest Sprites!
"You don't want to do that. You really don't," they said in unison.
"Y-you're right, I don't!" Jack answered quickly, making a beeline for the breakfast table. The Goddess gave a pleased smile.
Covering his nose to block out the odd scent of the breakfast, Jack couldn't help but ask just what the Goddess had in the pot.
"Well, come see for yourself!" she giggled.
"...No thanks..." Just then, Jack looked down and saw a Harvest Sprite standing on his lap, staring at him strangely.
"On second thought, I think I'll come see...!"
Smiling proudly, the Goddess stepped aside so Jack could look into the pot... But what he saw made him scream and burst into tears!