A/N: Ahh! Don't hit me! This is seriously rather silly and changest tones at least twice. But I HAD to write it! Bertha told me to!
"Vala! Come here, you've gotta see this!" Sam said excitedly as she looked at the ship that had just decelerated out of hyper speed near their own Alkesh.
"What is it, Sam?" the space pirate asked her partner in crime as she walked up behind her seat. Sam pointed to the ship. "What is that?" Vala asked in awe.
"I don't know, it's not any technology we've come across before. I can see a hint of Asgard design, but not much else to go off," Sam said, shaking her head in wonder. There was a bleeping coming from the consol in front of her, "They're hailing us."
Vala pressed the 'space intercom system' and responded to the hail, "This is the spaceship, Enterprise, why did you hail us?"
A few seconds later an image appeared on the screen of a middle-aged man with a hard set face that had an eyebrow quirked up, "Enterprise … this is the Earth vessel, Prometheus, are you Goa'uld or friends of the Goa'uld?"
Vala smirked at Sam as she answered, "If we were, why would we tell the Tauri?"
The man smirked, "Good point. I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill. To whom am I speaking?"
Vala glanced at Sam, whose nod was almost unnoticeable. The raven black haired woman who wore her waist long hair in two pigtails turned back to the screen, "Colonel O'Neill. I am … Thelma. Can we render assistance, Colonel?"
The Colonel's smirk grew wider. Sam's idea of switching their names – and naming the ship had been a good one, Vala briefly noted. The crew now knew that they weren't allies of the Goa'uld, and knew much about Tauri culture. "Our ship is in need of repair," O'Neill said. "It is a rather technical problem that I can't go into at the moment, but a friend of ours told us that you two could help us."
Vala shared a worried look with Sam. They knew what 'friends' tended to say about them. "What did your friend say?"
"To look for a ship of the Alkesh model with modifications made to its entire structure except the exterior, named the Enterprise. They also told us that it would be manned by a pair of women who go by the names Thelma and Louise. Have we found the correct ship or should we continue looking?"
Vala took her hand off the intercom, turning to Sam she said, "It's your call."
Sam nodded, causing the other woman to turn the intercom back on and say in a clear voice, "When there's a knock at the door, a friend does not always answer."
"Ah, but the only way to tell is to open the door," the man said with a slight eyebrow raise giving him a strangely … humorous air.
"Do you have smaller vessels aboard your ship, Colonel?" Vala asked, enjoying the game she was playing extremely.
"Send one down with two men to the planet we are orbiting. Don't worry, it's uninhabited at the moment. If my partner finds them … satisfactory, she will radio to me and I will land our ship. Only then may you attempt to land on the planet's surface."
"Understood." He looked confused for a moment before finally voicing his question, "How will you get her down to the surface without landing yourself?"
Vala grinned, "Silly man. We've made modifications to this ship from over ten different races – one of which includes Asgard beaming technology. A thank you gift from Thor, the Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet."
O'Neill looked impressed by the statement, "Very well. A vessel manned by two men is on it's way. O'Neill out."
Vala turned to Sam after the connection was terminated, "Well, this could be interesting."
Sam nodded, "Exciting at the very least." She pulled on one of her blond pigtails that went to her shoulder blades. "I can hardly wait to meet who they send down."
"Just be careful, … Louise."
Sam sighed with a smirk, "Thelma, Thelma, Thelma, I sold that quality of myself two years ago right after joining up with you, remember?"
Jack O'Neill desperately wanted to go down to the planet first himself, but everyone around him tried to talk him out of it. For some reason they thought that having the captain of the ship close to a woman known to be a pirate would be a bit … dangerous, to say the least. So, in his stead he sent two of his top men … well, one man, one woman: Lt. Jennifer Hailey and Colonel Cameron Mitchell.
'Louise' met them right as they exited their fighter jet. Cameron thought she was a vision with the pigtailed hair and tight leather … cat outfit that accentuated her figure nicely. She looked over the two of them and their jet with a well trained eye, keeping one hand on the zat gun she carried and the other on a Goa'uld weapon of some sort neither Tauri could identify.
"Who are you?" she said, nodding to the two to introduce themselves.
"Lt. Jennifer Hailey, ma'am!" the spry, young female said with a salute. Sam raised an eyebrow flawlessly, and briefly thought that she would make a nice addition to her and Vala's pirating career.
Sam turned her attention to the male, who was noticeably ogling her, "And you?"
"Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell, at your service," he said with a leer that made Sam's blood boil.
"I am Louise. No that's not my real name, but you will call me Louise," Sam said before any questions could be raised. "Now, shall I frisk you first or do you want the first go at it, Mitchell?"
Mitchell smirked as Hailey rolled her eyes in exasperation. Mitchell was such a guy. "I'll go first," he said cockily.
Sam raised an eyebrow as he walked toward her, his hands out to 'frisk' the beautiful, dangerous blonde. His hands touched her abs and within thirty seconds he was on the ground, with his face down and his arms behind his back in a rather painful hold as Sam kneeled on top of him. It was all Jennifer could do to keep a straight face.
The space pirate leaned down so her mouth was inches away from Mitchell's ear, "You always let the girl frisk first, moron." Sam winked at Hailey, "Rule number one when dealing with alien men: Only about two percent can resist getting their hands all over you. Rule two: All men are alien."
Hailey nodded, "I'll remember that, Louise."
Sam nodded once as she let Mitchell get up and dust himself off. She tapped the device that was near her ear and said, "Thelma, all's in the clear."
"I'm on my way, Louise," Vala's voice responded, only audible to Sam's ear device.
Sam smirked at the man who was blushing profusely with embarrassment as the Tauri woman looked at him oddly. This would be one of the pair's more interesting deals.
"Did he go first?" Vala asked as soon as she stepped off the Alkesh and onto the planet's surface to find Sam and Jennifer talking amicably and the man looking quite embarrassed with the turn of events … or maybe it had something to do with the ground imprint on the side of his face …
Sam smirked at her partner in crime, "Typical male."
"How long did it take you to subdue him?" 'Thelma' asked.
"Thirty seconds," 'Louise' answered.
Vala pretended to be upset, "Thirty seconds? You're getting lax S-Louise."
The Prometheus descended into the atmosphere of the planet a few moments later, coming to a halt close to where the Enterprise was parked. Soon there was a large group of Tauri surrounding the two space pirates. Sam sent Vala a look of concern, but the black haired woman gave her a reassuring smile in reply.
"What's wrong with your ship, Colonel?" Vala demanded. There were still over twenty ways for the pair to get out of the situation without drawing blood, but it was getting a little more interesting than Vala cared for.
Colonel O'Neill hadn't taken his eyes off Sam, nor she from him. Frankly it was innerving the rest of the crew and Vala to no end. Sam licked her lips as if they were suddenly parched and asked, "What's wrong with the ship?"
O'Neill shook himself out of his stupor – she just looked so familiar for some reason; like he'd seen her somewhere before. "The shields are down. One of the techs thinks that the control crystals are dead, but others aren't too sure."
Sam nodded, "What's the primary technology?"
"Thelma, it's your territory," Sam said, turning to her partner slightly. "Feel like taking it on?"
Vala turned her attention to Jack, "What are you offering for our … services in this area, Colonel O'Neill?"
Jack smirked as he looked 'Thelma' over, noting how the leather outfit she wore clung and revealed titillating flesh. She was a good-looking woman, Louise was more his type, but that didn't mean that he didn't realize that Thelma was hot. "Weapons."
"Why would we want your weapons?" Vala scoffed. "Our weapons are the best from over ten different races."
O'Neill sighed before saying, "Okay, then. What do you want?"
Vala and Sam shared a look, the former nodded once to the latter and Sam turned back to Jack, her face blank as she said, "We want a collection of the music your crew has on board. A list of songs from each crew member."
Jack raised an eyebrow, soon followed by every other member of the Prometheus crew. The two space pirates wanted their music?
It took a few minutes for Jack to get the ability to speak back, but before he could say anything, one of the men standing beside O'Neill spoke, "Are you serious? You want copies of the music we listen to?"
Sam turned to Vala, exchanging a look of confusion. Sam cocked her head to one side as she turned back to the two men, "That's what we said, isn't it?"
"I thought so," Vala replied. She smiled seductively at the man who had asked the question in the first place, "I don't believe we caught your name."
The man blushed as he looked down, "Dr. Daniel Jackson."
Vala's smile was even more seductive than the last one had been, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Jackson."
Jack saw the look his friend's face bore, and decided to take the attention off him for the moment, "Seriously, though: our music? Why?"
Sam shrugged, "Why not? Our ship can become rather … quiet when we're traveling. It gives us something to listen to and study."
Vala went on, "Do we have a deal or not, Colonel? Are your shields worth giving us a crystal downloaded with a copy of your music selection?"
Jack turned to the man flanking him on the other side of Daniel, "T, what do you think?"
The big, black man who wore a ski cap over his forehead replied, "I believe this offer is indeed satisfactory, O'Neill."
Sam frowned; something about all of these people was just so familiar. Oh, well, in the past two years she was used to feeling like that – it would come to her later.
"Aha! I found the problem," Vala said in triumph as she extracted a paperclip from the crystals. Sam grinned at her partner in crime, the impish smile on Vala's face making Sam want to laugh.
Sam turned to Jack and Daniel, who were watching them work … well, Vala work, while Sam was just checking out the interface between the two technologies and fixing some minor problems they were having.
"Next time you try to MacGyver your way out of a problem," Sam said with a raised eyebrow, "Don't use a paperclip unless it's absolutely necessary."
Jack looked at her in confusion, "What did you just say?"
Sam looked from Vala to Daniel to Jack in confusion and terror, "I – I don't know."
It all began to click in Daniel's mind. Only one woman in the universe would know those little things about Earth who wasn't on Earth. "Sam?" he asked tentatively.
She turned her attention to him, "Do I know you?"
"Samantha Carter?" Daniel asked again. He took a small step toward her, "It's me, Daniel. From the SGC."
Sam turned away from the two men, shaking her head, "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. Come on, Vala, it's time for us to go."
Jack grabbed Sam's arm as she tried to walk past him, "Sam? Do you remember me?"
Sam's terrified eyes met Jack's insistent ones, "It won't change anything if I say 'yes'. I lost all my memories two years ago when the Tok'ra I had carried inside me died."
Jack refused to take that as an answer, "Do you remember me?"
Sam searched her mind. She could remember his face. She could remember feeling things for him. "I remember feeling something for you. I remember dreaming about your face nearly every single night. But I'm not sure that counts as remembering you. And even if it does, Earth isn't my home anymore."
Vala stepped in before the conversation could go on any longer, "Come on, Sam, it's time to go. Colonel, I trust you'll send us the music in a timely fashion."
Jack let go of Sam's arm, nodding once, "Of course, Thelma."
As Colonel Jack O'Neill watched the Enterprise fly away into the galaxy, he felt his heart go with it. Yes, they'd find that Alkesh again – because Samantha Carter was one of the women manning it. And she had his heart.
"Sam?" Vala asked as their ship sped along at hyper speed, on its way to find another adventure for the pair.
"What is it, Vala?" Sam asked as she ate bits of the bread they had with them.
"Are you happy?" she asked abruptly.
Sam looked up at her partner, "Why?"
Vala shrugged, sitting down beside Sam, at the table. "I was just wondering, really. You've seemed kinda distant ever since we ran across the Prometheus."
Sam smiled sadly, knowing that it was the captain of the vessel that had her so morose. "I'm content here, Vala. I'm not sure I know how to be happy."
Vala nodded, "Okay." The black haired woman got up and walked back to the bridge of the ship. She wasn't happy either. Ever since that encounter … her mind couldn't stop thinking about that man, Daniel Jackson. Vala doubted that Sam could stop thinking about that Colonel.
A few hours later, when they had neared the destination Vala had just chosen, she dropped them out of hyperspace. Sam rushed in, "What's going on?"
Vala smiled up at her, "I have a surprise for you."
Sam looked out the window and gasped in shock: out there, in front of them was the Prometheus orbiting a planet.
"They're hailing us, Sam," Vala whispered.
Sam nodded, reaching out her hand to activate the intercom between the ships, "This is the space ship, Enterprise, we request permission to land on the planet below."
Jack's face appeared on the screen, "Permission granted, Enterprise. It's good to see you again." He smirked before disengaging the link.
Sam grinned, "Thank you, Vala."
The other woman shrugged as they descended into the planet's atmosphere. "No problem, Sam. I'm not happy either."
Soon Sam was rushing toward Jack, who had been beamed down from the Prometheus to meet their new guests. "Welcome to the Alpha Site," he said when Sam was in hearing distance. "It's a balmy seventy degrees Fahrenheit year-round so you won't be needing a jacket, but you should probably keep your feet inside your shoes."
She grinned at him as she walked forward, wrapping him up in her arms. Before she leaned up to kiss him she said, "I do remember you, Jack. I remember everything I need to about you."
Jack raised an eyebrow, "Like what?"
Sam smiled, tears coming to her eyes. "Like I can't live without you," she said before kissing him for all she was worth.
Vala exited the Enterprise just in time to see Sam's display of love. She sighed, running her hands over the ship that had been her home for the past few years. Oh, well, it looked like the age of the Enterprise and Thelma and Louise was over, and the age of love and families was about to begin.
When she saw Daniel beam down after his friend, Vala smiled seductively: she could live with that.
A/N: So, tell me, does it really suck that bad? I think so.