Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff, yo.
Chapter I: The Making Of An Angst Draco
Draco Malfoy buried his face in to his pillow, trying with all his might to push the thoughts of a certain bushy-haired girl out of his mind. He tried to think about Quiddith; the large crack in his wall; if the egg came before the chicken, or vice versa; if cats were really all that smart; his undying love for Harry Pot- oh, sorry. That's a totally different cliché ship. Well, the point is, no matter what Malfoy thought about, his mind would always be pulled back to the know-it-all witch.
Malfoy had known he was in love with Hermione for a good thirty seconds. Actually, Malfoy didn't even have any romantic feelings for her before this story had started, because before this story had started Malfoy had been in character, but now that some crazy fanfiction author got ahold of him he was now completely out of character, thus making him madly in love with Hermione Jane Granger. Plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.
Now he was laying on his bed, trying to stop thinking about the one girl he was suppose to hate with every fiber of his body, but now suddenly was madly in love with. But you all know this already, so we might as well skip the next three paragraphs where I repeat the same thing over and over using poetic words and strong emotions to keep you interested, and just get on with his long, sappy speech that is usually so out of character it makes you want to gag.
"Oh, why am I feeling this way?" he moaned into his pillow. "She's a Mudblood for goodness sake! But I can't help but dream about that beautiful- I mean... have strong feelings for- I mean... an undying lust- I mean... oh, who am I trying to kid? I'M IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE GRANGER!" Not as long as intended, but still pretty much hits the nail on the head.
Draco could hear screams erupt from downstairs. 'Oops. Was I a bit too loud?' Well, Malfoy learned the answer to this question when he heard the sound of pounding footsteps making their way up the stairs, and the mumbles and growls of a very pissed off person. Malfoy braced himself for what was to come next... and what came next was very shocking indeed. When the door burst open, instead of a very pissed of Lucius Malfoy standing in the doorway that everyone expects, a very pissed off bear was standing there instead.
"Fa- what the...?" he hissed. "Why the bloody hell is there a bear... oh, nevermind." Not in the mood to deal with this crap, Malfoy reached behind his bed frame and pulled a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this. Now you're probably wondering why Draco had a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this behind his bed frame. Well, he has this because this is my story, and if I want him to have a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this, then dammit he's going to have a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this. Another plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.
Draco pointed the handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this at the bear. The bear soon began to freak out, and franticly wave his arms around. Malfoy thought this was an odd behavior for a bear, so decided to lower his handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this. He then noticed something that he didn't quite notice before: it wasn't a real bear, but some guy in a bear costume. How he didn't notice this before really makes me question Draco's intelligence. I pictured him to be atleast... somewhat smart. But hell, Malfoy was in love with Hermione Granger. He was just a pocket full of mystery and out of character-ness.
Anyway, back to the story. Malfoy was now staring at the bear with creased eyebrows. 'Who could this strange fella be? There were so many possibilities. Mum? No. That doesn't sound right. Ron Weasley? Now that's just odd. Vernon Dursley? Wait, how do I know the name of Harry's uncle?' Draco continued to go over very unlikely people, making me go beyond questioning his intelligence, and wonder if the poor bloke was a crack head. Well, after several more unrealistic candidates later, the author decided to give the poor guy a break, and have the bear remove the head of the costume. So, it did. And Malfoy gasped. But not just a small, under-your-breath gasp; a crazy, over the top, unneeded gasp that was so unlike him the author felt like crying, but didn't because she was not sensitive like that... what...?
Oh, sorry. I thought you were looking at me like that because of what I said, not because you wanted me to shut the hell up, and stop getting off-topic. Sorry. I'll try and cut back...
"Fa- Harry's uncle?" Malfoy was stunned. Not only was he right for once in his life, but Harry's uncle was standing in his doorway, wearing a bear costume. How Draco knew who Vernon Dursley was is a mystery to us all, but, like I said before, Draco Malfoy was a pocket full of them.
They both just stared at each other, neither one quite sure what to say. This was a pretty sticky situation. Just then, another man in a bear costume ran up. Oh, this was not only a sticky situation, but a brown, gooey one as well. The mysterious bear man and Vernon Bear began to eye each other. Vernon Bear then turned back to Draco, back towards the other bear, then back towards Draco, then ate a pickle.
"Um, excuse me, but this doesn't happen to be a 'I beat Harry silly over the summer for no reason just so he can be depressed, have an equally depressed Malfoy help him through his troubled times since hes the only one who seems to notice his odd behavior, and have them start a strange, slashy relationship that nobody quite understands' story, is it?" Vernon Bear asked. I actually quite enjoy the sound of that... Vernon Bear... Anyway.
"Nope, this is actually a story filled with cliché Dramione plots all wrapped up together in one," Malfoy answered.
"Oh," Vernon Bear said, a bit disappointed. "Well... sorry to interrupt... carry on." Then Vernon Bear ran off to find the correct story that he was suppose to be in. And Malfoy waved good-bye with sadness in his eyes when he departed, because he too liked the name Vernon Bear. And the other bear just shrugged and turned to Draco. Well, not in the mood to go through all that crap again, the author decided to give everyone a break, and just have the bear remove the head of the costume right away. So, it did. And, once again, Malfoy let out an over dramatic gasp that made the author get all teary-eyed, but she choked them back because she was not sensitive.
"Father," Malfoy growled quietly. "So, you heard me express... express... m-m-my... my- I'm sorry, but I have to ask: why the hell are you wearing a bear suit? It's really dumb."
"Because, Draco," Lucius began, brushing a bit of sweat that was dripping from his forehead caused by the bear costume - isn't that just an amazing thing to know? - "in this story, I am a crazy, gay pedophile who rapes and beats his son over the summer because I learn that he is in love with a Mudblood and has given the Malfoy name a bad reputation, and beating and raping their child is what a responsible parent would do when they do something to disappoint their family."
"That doesn't explain the bear suit," Malfoy commented.
"I was getting to that," Lucius giggled. Malfoy cringed. Why did the author make him giggle? Well, I could answer that for you, but then I would have to go into another rant like I did several paragraphs ago, so I suggest you just shut up and stop questioning my logic. "As being the crazy, gay pedophile that I am, I decided to complete the illusion, and dress up as a loveable bear. That's what we crazy, gay pedophiles do, right? Dress up. Some wear clown suits. Others get all decked out in fuzzy animal costumes. It all comes with the job.
"Now if you would please stop changing the subject with your obvious questions, I suggest you start crying in that girly way that make fangirls swoon." Lucius giggled again because he used the word 'swoon', making Draco cringe, making Dobby dance, making the Giant Squid paint, making the author wonder why she keeps changing between 'Draco' and 'Malfoy' in practically every new sentence that mentions his name.
"Cry?" Malfoy questioned. Now why would he cry? He certainly didn't feel like crying. Besides, Malfoy's rarely cried, and when they did they never did in front of other people. But the author soon had large, salty tears dripping from his eyes when she noticed that he was going back into character. We can't have that in a Dramione story, now can we?
An evil grin played across Lucius' lips, and he was rubbing his hands together in an extremely evil way. "Yes... that's right... cry... Now it's time for me to rape and beat you so Hermione has a reason to cuddle you that one night in the Head suite when you spill out all your emotions to her, showing her that you're a sad, depressed, angst teenager, and not as bad as she thought, giving the author a solid opportunity to start a very awkward and rushed relationship between the two of you."
"N-no, father," Malfoy choked out as Lucius advanced towards him. He was not bawling like a baby... perfect. "Please, don't." But Lucius was now practically on top of him, his fuzzy suit pressing against the small boy's body. Malfoy suddenly stopped crying, and stared at him with a blank expression that nobody could read, because the author couldn't figure out a good expression for him at the moment.
"Um... dad... could you atleast remove the bear suit? It's sort of creepy."
"Oh! Sorry, son." So, he did. When he was finished, Draco nodded his head in thanks. Then he quickly began to cry again. And Lucius jumped on his son again. And all you creepy, incest loving fangirls waited on the edge of their seat for a hot, kinky sex scene between the two Malfoys. Well, I'm not very good explaining that sort of thing, but I'll try as best as I can. Ahem. Ok, here we go.
Then, under the bright moonlight illuminating into Draco's room (did I forget to mention it was night?), Lucius raped and beat his son.
Thank you. Thank you.
After it was over, Lucius was standing in the doorway once again, Malfoy laying on his bed in a fetal position. Lucius' eyes soon began to bulge out, and his nostrils flared. He pointed a threatening finger at his son.
"If you ever, ever, ever," Lucius began, emphasizing on the word 'ever', "ever... wear your shirt untucked like that again, I will make sure you never get another issue of Teen People ever again. It's very tacky, son." With that said, Malfoy began to cry even harder. Sure, raping and beating him was inhuman, but canceling his subscription to his favorite magazine was just plain torture. Lucius then slammed his son's door and skipped off to Azkaban, because that's where he was suppose to be in the first place, but everyone seems to forget this.
So Malfoy continued to cry. And he cried some more. And cried a bit more. Oh, did I forget to mention he was crying? Well, he was. And all the we-love-sensitive-Draco fangirls were sighing at how sensitive and emotional he was, while all the we-love-Draco-in-character fangirls were groaning at how pathetic it was. But, honestly, what did you expect in a Dramione story? An insensitive, uncaring, in character git? I certainly don't.
But now I'm going to mentally hit myself for getting off-topic again... what...? I said I was going to try and cut back. Old habits die hard, y'know? Anyway, continuing on with this depressing tale.
Draco was now sitting up on his bed, cutting his wrists and wearing all black. Whoa, when this happened? Hm... must of been when I was going on about fangirls and being off-topic. Whatever. Guess I'll just roll with this.
Anyway, Draco was now sitting on his bed, blank eyes gazing at the cuts on his arm. Simple Plan (OmfG!1! theyz soh goth!) was blasting out of his magical boom box. Yes, this just finishes off the illusion of the typical songfic-cutting scene. Perfect.
When I wake up
Well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
Wait a minute... this isn't Simple Plan.
"Oh, I totally forgot that this was a mix tape!" Malfoy cried. Well, I was not even going to ask why he has Proclaimers on a mix tape to begin with because I fear what the answer might be, so I guess I'll just roll with this too... eh... yea...
When I go out
Yea, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
Anyway, Draco pushed the blade up against his extra extra pale arm, and created yet another scratch. He sighed with pleasure. His father had left a traumatic scar on his ego - 'Way better then Harry's gay scar,' Malfoy told himself with glee. - and cutting himself was a way to help him ease the pain that his father sucks ass, and also help him-
When I get drunk
Well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
-him... um... oh bugger, I forgot what I was going to- wait... what did that song just say? Was that suppose to be romantic?
Well, whatever I was going to say, it probably wasn't that im-
If I haver
Yea, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
Well I would walk 500 miles
(Warning: The next part paragraph is not for lame ass pansy's who get offended really easily by the f-word. You have been warned.)
GODAMMIT! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! THIS SONG IS FUCKIN' ANNOYING! HAVER? WHAT KIND OF WORD IS HAVER? IT'S MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO TYPE ALL THE FUCKIN' PAIN AND SUFFERING MALFOY IS ENDURING AT THE-
And I would walk 500 more
-MOMENT! AND IT KEEPS CUTTING ME OFF WHEN I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARAGRAPH! THIS IS FU-
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
to fall down at your door
THAT'S IT! DRACO... MALFOY... WHATEVER YOUR FUCKIN' NAME IS, HAVE FUN! I'M OUT OF H-
Na na na
Na na na
Lika lika lika lika lika-
Um... hi. Draco here. Well, the author ran away all pissed off because the song was making her mad. I turned it off now, though. Really, all she had to do was ask and I would of turned it off. I'm a sensitive, caring guy in this story, and will do something if it's upsetting someone because that is how sensitive and caring I am.
Oh well. Guess this story is no longer in the third person format, but the first person. That's ok. Tons of 'Draco is depressed' stories are written in the first person so the reader can see how horribly sad I am through my very own eyes. Amazing.
Anyway, getting back to what I was doing; I slowly began to create another cut on my arm, black tears running down my cheeks. I was doing this because it helped me not only forget about that lovely Mudblood, but also help me cope with what my father had done to me. You see, he raped and beat me.
Then, under the bright moonlight illuminating into Draco's room (did I forget to mention it was night?), Lucius raped and beat his son.
End Of Flashback
Now I'm crying because flashbacks are so emotional and poetic. Only the really good stories have flashbacks. But you all know that he raped me already. Actually, you were all pretty much there when it happened. And I have one question for you all: WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU BLOODY STOP HIM?
"Draco, we tried to stop him, but our crazy, fetish needs took us over, as well as us wanting you to be an angst teenager," said a random we-love-Draco-getting-raped-and-beaten-by-his-pedophile-father-so-he-will-be-an-angst-teenager fangirl. Not in the mood to take the time and figure out how she got into my room, I took out my handy dandy shotgun that I had just in case of situations like this, and shot her because I hate we-love-Draco-getting-raped-and-beaten-by-his-pedophile-father-so-he-will-be-an-angst-teenager fangirls.
Anyway, I absolutely hated my father now. No longer did I want to be known as a Malfoy because 'Malfoy' was such a painful name, filled with so many horrible memories of my father, Lucius Malfoy. No, I want everyone to call me something different... maybe... Draco Malfa? Draco Male-foo? Sraco Walefan? (Oh man, typo.) Shimmer Wing? River Stone Running Bear? Draco Bear? That's it! Draco Bear! Doesn't have the same ring as Vernon Bear, but I don't care. You see, bears are awesomely kewl, and that is why they are mentioned so much in this story because of how kewl they are. Plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.
Well, everything has been pretty much covered for this chunk of the story. Lucius raping me. Check. Me turning "goth". Check. The songfic-cutting scene. Check. That only leaves three things: me writing suicidal and emo thoughts into my diary, the failed suicide attempt, and the quick ending where I'm laying on my bed, crying and thinking about how I'll never get Hermione. Alright, here we go.
I pulled out a little black diary from under my bed (don't ask why I have this, because it's none of your business), and began to write depressing, suicidal thoughts into it.
Omg! I juss h8 mah dad! he such a jack azz. he, lyk, raped me. LOL WTF. anywai, i luv Her-moin!1! she iz like mah twoo wuv! butt she"ll neva notice me, cuz Imma malfoy. (Weeps.) now imma gunna cillz mahself cus I cant take it no morez.
Mal- I mean, Bear.
P.s. OMFG! GREENdAY IZ COMIN' ON TOOR HERE SOOn! 2 QUUL! LmFAOo!
So Draco threw the diary back under his bed and grabed his knife, ready to begin his first in the never ending line of suicide attempts. Now half of you readers have probably noticed that this story is back to being in the third person format. Well, I, the author, have calmed down, and now can resume my role as writing this angsty tale. But then theres this other half of you that don't give a damn if this story was written in the first or third person, you just want to cry your eyes out at the fact that I might kill Draco. Well, never fear my dears, because this will be nothing more then a failed attempt. I wouldn't kill Draco so early in the game. Him and Hermione haven't even had hot, steamy sex yet!
Draco perked up, suddenly realizing something. Placing the knife down, Draco staggered over to his magical boom box, turned it on, and returned to the task at hand.
When I'm working
Yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man whose working hard for you
On second thought, maybe killing him would do some good-
And when the money
comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny onto you
-in the world-
When I come home
-SHUT UP! GOD, JUST SHUT UP! THIS SONG IS NOT FUCKIN' ROMANTIC, OKAY? IT NEVER WAS, AND IT NEVER WILL BE! GETTING DRUNK AND GIVING ALL YOUR MONEY TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS NOT ROMANTIC! ARGH!
Then the author got all embarrassed when she realized that Draco had turned off the boom box, and that the song wasn't playing anymore. Now he was laying on his bed, weeping into his pillow about Hermione.
Yikes, we missed the entire suicide attempt scene? Oh well. It won't be the last one, that's for sure.
The faint cheers of distant we-love-Draco-when-he-tries-to-commit-suicide fangirls could be heard from some faraway land, but nobody really cares.
"Why not do another flashback scene, this time of the suicide attempt?" Draco suggested. The author then ignored him because that was a stupid idea. Sure, one flashback scene in a chapter was emotional and poetic, but two in the same chapter was just as tacky as his untucked shirt. Draco then quickly began to moan and cry about Hermione again when the author saw that he had broken character. And now this chapter is about to abruptly end, because it's time to move on. And to anybody who has read this far: wow, you must of been really bored if you read through all of this crap. And now it's going to end, right... now...
What the hell?
"I don't think this story is correct," Draco suddenly commented, once again breaking character. "I think you should of paired me off with Harry. I think I might be ga-"
To be continued.
A/N: Well, thanks for reading chapter uno. :) Now, I know this wasn't really all that funny, and I'm really scared that ya'll will hate it and stop reading because it does get better (chapter II will be ten times better). :( Draco getting raped and becoming depressed is just so hard to do as a parody, y'know? Well the next chapter is: Hermione Gets A Makeover, and trust me, it is better. Well, review if you want to. You don't have to, I'm not making you. Constructive criticism is nice, and flames will be laughed at. Thanks. :)
Wow: Um... I just want to add that I have probably just read the worst story on this site. It was... interesting, and I have to say that the last line was pretty funny. It's called Tragedy of Love by Ma Bootay is Bigga if you want to check out probably the worst story in the history of fanfiction . net. It's just... wow...