"Don't Bug Me"
Disclaimer/Credit Where Credit Is Due: Ah, if only these characters belonged to me, but alas, they belong to George Lucas and he is the one who is making the money off of them. The song "Big Ten Inch" belongs to Aerosmith.
Author's Note: This story takes place immediately after "Sex and the City of Coruscant".
"Open up!" Anakin Skywalker yelled as he pounded on the door. "C'mon, let us in!"
"We know you're in there," Obi-Wan Kenobi added. The apartment door slid open.
"You photograph very well, Anakin." Palpatine said casually, leaning on the doorframe. Anakin waved his hand impatiently.
"Forget about that. I'm willing to put that all behind us. Besides, we men have got to stick together."
"Really? What brought this on?"
"Padmé and Sabé are having a Girls' Night In, and you know what THAT means."
"Absolutely. They're gonna talk about US."
"Believe it." Obi-Wan told him.
"You know how women are, Palpatine." Anakin said. "They discuss every little intimate detail of their lives. You know, sex stuff."
"They do?" Palpatine was getting a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Yes. But don't worry - we're going to have a GUYS' Night In." Obi-Wan said. Palpatine raised his eyebrows.
"Check it out," Anakin said. Grinning, Obi-Wan held up a small black box festooned with a number of small buttons and blinking lights.
"What is it?" Palpatine asked warily. "A bomb?"
"Nah, even better." Anakin told him. "It's the receiver for a listening device." Palpatine took it from Obi-Wan and examined it curiously.
"What good is it?" he asked, handing it back to Obi-Wan.
"Well, on its own, it's pretty useless." Obi-Wan admitted. "But…. if you have a listening device planted somewhere… well…" Palpatine's eyes narrowed.
"Where would this hypothetical listening device be planted?" Anakin grinned.
"IF we had a listening device, and IF we were the kind of guys who would use one to spy on someone, we'd probably plant it in Padmé's hotel suite." Palpatine grinned. "It has a limited range, so we're going to rent a room at the hotel and hang out. We're going to order room service and make it a party. Are you coming?"
"By all means!"
"Room service," said a voice from the hallway. Anakin went to the door. It slid open to reveal a young Rodian pushing a hovering room service cart. The Rodian looked familiar.
"Hey, don't you work at McDiarmid's?" Anakin asked. The Rodian shrugged.
"That's my day job."
"Ah," Anakin said.
"Wait a minute, I remember you guys," The Rodian said suddenly. "You're the ones with the holorecorder."
"That's right," Palpatine replied cheerfully. The Rodian watched as he and Obi-Wan busily tuned a listening device.
"We should be able to hear everything they say," Obi-Wan was saying. "Hopefully, they'll talk about sex a lot." The Rodian shook his head.
"You guys are weird."
"There," Palpatine said with satisfaction as he finished adjusting something on the side of the receiver. "I think that's done it." Anakin was pouring out liberal doses of Jameson's Irish Whiskey. Palpatine switched on the receiver, and Sabé's voice immediately came tumbling out of the small speaker.
"So, what do you want to know?"
"Tell me everything," Padmé replied. Palpatine groaned and put his head in his hands, while Obi-Wan and Anakin nudged each other and grinned in anticipation.
"Well," Sabé said, "Age and experience DEFINITELY beat youth and enthusiasm ANY day of the week!"
"Huh?" Anakin and Obi-Wan exclaimed, surprised.
"Who wants to be pawed and poked and groped by some horny, clueless little teenage boy?" Sabé asked rhetorically. "I don't want a little boy. I want a man who knows what he's doing."
"And Palpatine knows what he's doing?" Padmé asked.
"Oh, absolutely." Sabé replied. Palpatine managed to look both embarrassed and pleased with himself at the same time.
"See, I've thought about stuff like that too." Padmé said. "To tell you the truth, Sabé, I'm a little jealous. I've always wanted to give Palpatine a ride myself." Palpatine and Anakin both choked on their whiskey.
"WHAT did she say?" they yelled in unison. Obi-Wan's eyes were as big as saucers.
"So, uh…. " Padmé continued, "How…. ah… you know…. how big…?" Silence as Sabé presumably indicated a measurement. "NO WAY!" Padmé yelled. Anakin and Obi-Wan whooped with glee. Palpatine looked like he wanted to crawl under his chair and die of embarrassment.
"Oh man, what were we thinking?" Anakin asked Obi-Wan. "We could've had the visual if we'd hidden the holorecorder in there instead!" Palpatine silently thanked whatever gods there were that Anakin and Obi-Wan had a habit of not planning stunts like this out very well.
"AND," Sabé was saying, "He knows how to use it!"
"SABÉ!" Padmé screamed with laughter.
"Well, it's TRUE," Sabé said.
"Look at him," Obi-Wan said, indicating Palpatine. "If he turns any redder, his head will explode."
"Too bad Palpatine can't give Anakin some pointers," Padmé said. Anakin's eyes widened in shock as the other two screamed with laughter.
"Ah, see, now it's YOUR turn," Palpatine said to him, laughing.
"Not that Anakin has as much to work with as Palpatine," Padmé continued. Palpatine and Obi-Wan were in hysterics. Anakin, on the other hand, was completely failing to find the humor in the situation.
"Are you saying that our brave Jedi's lightsaber isn't exactly of knightly proportions?" Sabé asked. The two women howled with laughter.
"Strictly Padawan league," Padmé replied, which set them off laughing again. While Palpatine and Obi-Wan were enjoying this portion of the conversation immensely, Anakin looked like he couldn't decide whether he was enraged or mortified.
"You poor girl!" Sabé commiserated. "Well, you could always give Palpatine a royal command…"
"That would be abuse of power," Padmé said mildly.
"Royal Command Performance," Sabé snickered. "May it please Your Majesty…" Padmé giggled. "..'cause her boyfriend sure isn't doing the job!" Sabé finished. Anakin handed his lightsaber to Obi-Wan.
"Do it," Anakin said dully. "Kill me now. I want to die."
"Poor Anakin," Palpatine said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and slapping Anakin on the back. "Poor old fellow." Obi-Wan was giggling madly. Palpatine began singing something under his breath.
"What's that song?" Anakin asked suspiciously. Palpatine looked at the ceiling.
"Oh nothing," he said innocently. Anakin looked away. Palpatine sang more loudly. "She just loves my big ten inch…" Anakin leaped out of his chair. Obi-Wan grabbed him before he could get his hands around Palpatine's neck.
"So what do you think Obi-Wan's story is?" Padmé asked.
"Your turn now, buttmunch." Anakin said to him. Obi-Wan shrugged.
"I haven't slept with either of them, so there's not much they can say about me."
"Don't bet on it," Anakin advised him.
"Well," Sabé was saying. "I did hear something about him, but you can't repeat it to anyone."
me. I'm all ears."
"So are we," Anakin said, leaning forward. Obi-Wan looked apprehensive.
"It seems that THAT particular Jedi Knight is one gay blade!" Anakin and Palpatine screamed with laughter. Obi-Wan was crimson. "I heard this from a Padawan who heard it from his Master," Sabé continued. "It seems that one evening, Obi-Wan was taking a shower." Obi-Wan paled.
"Omigod, where's the 'off' button??" he exclaimed, fumbling with the receiver. Anakin grinned and yanked the receiver away from him.
"As he was getting out of the shower, he heard the door to his quarters slide open, and he knew only one other person had the key: his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn. He walked out into the living area completely naked. All the lights were out, but he could sense Qui-Gon was there, so he said, 'Qui-Gon, come and get it while it's still clean!'. Just then, the lights went on, and almost ALL of the Jedi Knights were standing there. It was a surprise birthday party – and Obi-Wan was VERY surprised." Palpatine and Anakin were doubled over with laughter.
"Look how red he is," Anakin said. "His cheeks are flaming!"
"So is HE!" Palpatine replied. Obi-Wan was dying of embarrassment.
"That's not funny!" he said petulantly.
"Notice he's not denying the story!" Anakin said.
"Yes, I did notice that." There was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Anakin asked. No response. Frowning, Anakin went to the door. It was Padmé and Sabé.
"How did you know we're here?" he asked her. Padmé smiled at him.
"I found something that I think belongs to you," she said, pulling the transmitter out of her pocket. Anakin groaned. She spoke directly into the transmitter. "It's not nice to eavesdrop on private conversations. I hope you three have learned your lesson."
"Wait a minute," Anakin said. "You knew all along we were listening?"
"Yep." Padmé replied. "You shouldn't have hidden it in my underwear drawer. I found it earlier today. I saw it had a limited range, and called the front desk. They told me that you had a room here."
"So… all that stuff you two were saying… you know, about me… Palpatine… none of that was true, right?"
Padmé and Sabé exchanged knowing smiles.
"We can't really say," Sabé said.
"That's right," Padmé said. "You wanted to hear what we had to say so badly. Well, now you can wonder which parts are true." She turned to her handmaiden. "Come along, Sabé." As she turned to leave, she kissed Anakin on the cheek. "Pleasant dreams, dear," she smiled.