this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
You words keep me alive
And I would be
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied"
I feel more like an animal everyday I spend at Xavier's. Hopeless, confused, and locked in. I know that nobody has me on a leash there, but with all the shit that's been going on, I feel like it's my job to stay. To watch over the future of mutant-kind and make sure that they're not shaped into monsters bent on the destruction of every living creature not mutant. But it's my affiliation with these people that's slowly putting the fence up around me. Oh, don't get me wrong now. I'm very much eye to eye with what the X-Men stand for...But now that I'm considered an X-Man, I've got more people pitted against me than I ever had before.
I guess I'm just being stupid. I don't feel like I know anything anymore, especially myself. The more pieces I find to my history, I feel like I'm losing more to it. I just don't know...There's been something I've been wanting. I think I can take a good stab at what it is, but it's still unclear. It's like that feeling you get when you want to go out into the world and do something like take a trip to the bar or go off into the woods, but you just don't know what it is...And you want it badly.This thing I want is definitely not connected with something I don't know about in my past Oh, no, it's something very different. I can't f-king believe myself when I think about it because I know I have more important things to be contemplating.
I've had quite a few dreams, different from the nightmares I'm normally tormented with. They aren't shards of memories I can't seem to put together. They're fresh pictures...Fresh faces...For once, I know what I'm seeing in those damned reveries, and I absolutely love to hate them and hate to love them. For example, the one I had last night...
It was set
somewhere in a tent in the wilderness. Well, not so much as in one of
those annoying tents where you have to read the directions that
always happen to be in a language you don't know how to read and end
up sitting there for hours to do something that should take half the
time, but as in a shelter-type thing I put together using what I had.
The light was dim and threw dancing shadows; I only had the fire
crackling at the opening. And then she came out of nowhere, graceful
as always, slipping her form over mine so suddenly that /I/ was
alarmed to the point that I unsheathed my claws, instinctively, and
before I knew it I had the points pressed into the thin flesh that
protected her neck. Her fingers pushed the blades away and I can feel
her weight on top of me. I'm looking at her and she's looking right
back at me with her captivating gaze without fear. Her touch traced
my arm...My shoulder...My chest...And then both arms went to flanking
my neck, and without delay she drew close and her warm, soft lips
pressed up against mine. My eyes stayed open for a moment or so. I
knew that it was absolutely wrong, and I couldn't have been letting
her do something like that...But the next thing I knew my claws were
away and I was letting my own hands slide along her whipcord figure
and along her smooth stomach, and my eyes were shut and we were
fervently locked in a treacherous kiss. Her hand traveled to the
buckle of my belt and as soon as she managed to get it loose...
My eyes snapped open and I found myself laying there in my bed, staring at the drab ceiling, wondering whether or not I really just came out of that dream sequence or if something like that had actually happened and I didn't remember.
I know she's been thinking about me the same way I've been thinking about her. The way she last looked at me...A glare to kill on the surface. I couldn't blame her for wanting to scrap with me. I mean, I'd give anything to sink my claws into her body if it meant she'd stop haunting me in my dreams, but my instincts tell me that the tussle would make me want her more. That's what had made me want her in the first place, after all. I must have given her that same look.
She's dangerous. Strong. Determined to beat the living hell out of me. She thinks she can hide, being a mistress of deception, but there's no fooling my nose. I'm always intoxicated by her scent, whether I want to be or not...But either way, it trips the alarm and she's screwed. It's funny though. She seems not to be able to get enough fighting from me. I left my mark on her that's yet to heal, courtesy of my alloy-warnished claws, and I can't help wonder if maybe she takes some sort of strange pride in wearing them.
I can smell her again. Oh, she's close.
We're both in Battery Park, a change from my normal visit to Central Park, with nothing but the pale moonlight casting faint shadows of our forms onto the grass. We're alone. It's about 1:20 in the morning, and I've slipped away from the Institute to find some release. She slips onto my lap, very boldly, and to both of our surprises I let her throw her arms around my neck and over my shoulders without so much as a hint of a growl. She doesn't make a touch that was meant to deal pain. Neither of us are in the mind-set to tear at one another.A loose, scarlet forelock falls into her eyes and I tuck it behind her ear to fully reveal her gold-hued gaze. And there she is, daring to look back at me, directly in the eye. She breaks away and lets her silken lips grace my neck.
My hands slide along her skin, varied with intricate patterns of scales, along the beckoning curves of her hips to rest on the small of her back, all while admiring the soft glow of sapphire in the ghostly moonrays. I bet nobody's ever seen her the way I do in her true form. She's flawless. She's got a body that anybody would kill for, and she knows how to hold herself. It's enough to bewitch a man...Even me. She doesn't need to hide under the skin of another woman. I like her just as she is.
She brings her eager kisses up to meet my own lips and we're connected in a dangerous brush. She soon forces me into the padding of the grass, her lean build pressed down against mine with her weight. Her hands, using my chest and stomach as a guide, find their way to the beltbuckle and fumble with it until it comes free. I'm expecting to open my eyes and find myself in my bed. Back at Xaviers. Never knowing the conclusion to this cruelly alluring illusion. But when my eyes do open, I find that she's still there.
I was never asleep.
Wolverine && Mystique
lyrics from Possession by Sarah McLachlan