One Piece! Inside the 4kids Universe!
The Shortest Chapter since Chapter 1 and 2!
Mihawk was riding on his raft when he noticed something. After his fight with Zoro or Zolo or whatever, his swords had changed shape. His swords included his massive black sword and the small tiny little one that he used for both buttering his bread and owning all the world's best swordsman. Yes, fear the butter….
"….Why do ze swords have no crosspiece? And why can't I stop speaking in zis crappy French accent?" Mihawk wondered aloud. He looked at his sword carefully. Indeed the hilt that made his long sword look like a cross was cut off. So it looked lame. Then his tiny little butter knife, which was supposed to be shaped like a cross, was also changed into something even weirder.
A fingernail clipper.
"What ze fuck? I know what happened! Someone stole my swords and replaced them with this cheap crap from Wal-Mart! Unforgivable!" And Mihawk turned his raft around and went back into the direction he came from.Meanwhile…
Al Khan was sitting in his office, reading a piece of paper. It was a surprise that he could read seeing as he both said that US kids don't read and the fact that the script never seemed to be proofread afterwards.
"Damn those people who won't allow religion or even crosses on TV!" Al fumed. "How come they complain about some Bible show and not give any publicity on my cartoons? Because of those bastards, that damn Bible show is making more money then One Piece! Unacceptable!" Khan raged and raged.
"….Sir?" Al Khan's previously mentioned secretary that was soon forgotten appeared out of nowhere.
"Huuuhhh…" Khan sighed "It's like nobody's happy whenever I do anything! They think they could do it better then me? They don't know how hard it is to edit these shows and stay within the TV regulations! If anyone thinks they can do better, tell me!"
About 1 million people raised their hands.
"Fine! You there!" Al Khan pointed at a mentally retarded 5 years old "You can do the editing for the next episode of One Piece!"
A few weeks later, the episode aired, and received a higher rating then all the entire One Piece episodes edited by Al Khan altogether.
"Well I'll be damned."
- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -
"Hey Strawhat! I think your newest move should be 'Gomu Gomu no Rubber Porcupine!" Krieg called out.
"Dammit! Would you please stop with the lame puns! PLEASE?" Luffy cried out exasperatingly. Luffy had dodged the spikes and was hiding behind a rock. Krieg had been firing spikes and then shouting increasingly lame puns by the second.
"What happens when a rubber boy meets more rubber people and play at a concert? A rubber band! Hehehehehe!" Don Krieg giggled like a little girl. Wait, more like Michael Jackson.
And yes, he was supposed to be one of the most feared people in this sea.
Luffy was about to surrender if it would stop the puns and lame jokes. "PLEASE JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
"Oh am I?" Krieg smiled his most evil smile.
"Then get ready for my last joke…" Don began.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" Luffy screamed and jumped out from behind the rock, rushing at Don Krieg, his tolerance all gone.
"You fool! That muddafucker will pop a cap in your ass!" Sanji screamed. His accent and vocabulary just came out. No reason why…
Krieg smiled and then pulled his trigger. 100 spike looking objects flew out.
"Oh My God! I can't believe it…" One of Krieg's crew members that was floating in the ocean. It's unknown how he got there.
"Yes, Krieg actually used it…." Another mysteriously floating crew member.
"That Strawhat's gone for good…."
"IF THAT STRAWHAT DOESN'T GET THAT POISONOUS SUCTION DART OFF HIM FAST, HE'S GONE FOR SURE!!!!" Some guy screamed.
"Oh My God!!! I'm hit!" Another guy yelled. A dart looking thing was attached to his arm "IT'S SUCKING ON ME!!!!OH NOOOOOO!!! AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
The official clown of the Don Krieg pirates came up and said "Dude, just pull the damn thing off."
"Ewwww….it's sticky!" Luffy yelled. His body had been covered with the hundreds of suction cups that Krieg had fired. He started yanking them off.
"No! My weapons are useless! I spent about a week trying to develop that suction cup you know!" Krieg shouted. His was licking a mysterious cherry Popsicle. It's unknown how he got one.
"Wait wait wait…. You spent a week to make suction cup, out of all weapons you could make?" Usopp shouted out.
"Yeah, so what?"
"And you made it in the shape as a dart?"
"Well, I couldn't think of a better design…"
"So instead of making a rubber dart, why didn't you just make it out of metal? It'd be more deadly and be more cool!"
"I didn't even think of that!" Krieg said. Apparently, all the supposedly bad guys in dubbed One Piece were idiots that couldn't even use a real weapon.
Krieg shouted and suddenly pulled on some blanket. It was a fluffy and soft blanket with little cute teddy bears all over it.
"No one can hit me while I'm in my unbeatable shield!" Krieg started sucking his thumb like that guy on Charlie Brown. 10 points to anyone who remembers that guy….
Luffy walked up and started to poke the blanket. Luffy giggled like some immature brat and started poking the blanket repeatedly.
"OW! OW! Stop it! That hurts!" Krieg shouted and curled up into a ball. Luffy continued poking the lump that was Krieg under the blanket. They continued to do this while a certain Gin walked up to Sanji.
"Hey, Mr. Mafia Cook! Weren't you in The Godfather?"
"It's you…. Bastard! Let's fight even though I have no reason to fight you and you owe me your life for saving you!" Sanji braced himself.
"Sure why not?" Gin pulled out twin clubs and started fighting.
Sanji ducked a blow from Gin and then kick Gin directly in the stomach. Gin flew up and blood splashed out. Wait! That was ketchup.
Gin suddenly started barraging Sanji with a bunch of attacks from his clubs. Sanji dodged and dodged. However Sanji got hit once.
"Oh dear god! I suddenly feel a rush of emotion now that I hit my savior!" Gin called out. The horrible 4kids acting sounded so dramatic/emotionless.
"Don't worry dude! I'll finish this dude! Ok Dude let's go dude!" A fat ass wearing trash can lids jumped out of nowhere and landed on the ground.
"I'm called Pearl dude! I'm a surfer!"
"….You're too fat to be a surfer." Sanji called out.
"What did you say? I'm not fat! I'm a surfer because I sound like one!" Pearl replied.
"That's not a surfer!" Sanji shouted back.
"I'll kill you!" Pearl screamed and ran at Sanji.
"Why are you wearing trash can lids?" Sanji dodged Pearl's attack and did kick him directly in the balls. Pearl died. Yes, he died that quick. Now back to Gin.
"I can't hit this guy because he gave me food. I was hungry. And he gave me food. So I cannot kill him." Gin said in a voice that seemed like some 14 year old reciting from a book.
"Kill him!" Krieg shouted. He was still being poked by Luffy. "Ow!"
"This restaurant belongs to me! Only me! Not to anyone else!!!!" Krieg shouted again.
"No, this restaurant is that old fart's!" Sanji pointed at Zeff, the head chef of baratie. Zeff the Red Leg, the legendary cook pirate that can cook a meal fit for a king while kicking the shit out of someone at the same time.
"I won't let this restaurant be taken over! Due to my past that will soon be showed in a flashback!" Sanji screamed and pressed a button.
Then the flash back started. Sanji was a small waiter boy working on a crappy boat filled with crappy cooks that crapped crappy craps. Everyone on that boat would always add crap in a sentence. No reason why, the crappy author of this flashback was just really bored.
"Crap, I accidentally cooked this crappy fish! Sanji, come crappily eat this crappy fish that I crappily cooked!"
Sanji was the waiter boy and unofficial "Tester of whether or not this food is poisonous." He was abused and mistreated by all the crappy cooks on the crappy boat because of his crappy dream to find a mysterious sea. All Blue. The legendary crappy sea that had fish from any sea in the crappy world.
One day, Sanji was testing out a steak that had bleach as its sauce when a crappy pirate attacked. His name was Zeff, the crappy legendary cook.
"This crappy ship will be taken over by me even though I already have a kickass ship!" Zeff kicked a crappy cook in the shin and launched him in the stratosphere. Soon, all the crappy cooks of the crappy boat was suddenly flying in the crappy air. The only crewmember of the crappy boat that wasn't flying in the atmosphere was Sanji.
"I can't die here! I need to find All Blue!" Sanji said to the crappy pirates.
"….WAHAHAHAHAHAH, this little crap still believes in All Blue!"
"What a crappy idiot!"
"Captain, take care of this crap!" A pirate called out.
Then a massive storm suddenly appeared and blew the crappy ship into pieces. Soon Sanji was submerged into the crappy sea with the rest of the pirates. Soon, Sanji started crapping his pants and fell unconscious.
When Sanji woke up, he was on a crappy bit of rock shaped like a mushroom. It was crapfully surrounded by the sea. On the other side of this crappy rock, there was the legendary pirate, Zeff.
"IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU LITTLE CRAP! IF YOU HADN'T ATTACKED OUR CRAPPY BOAT, I'D STILL BE SAFE!" Sanji screamed at the crappy pirate. Sanji was pissed like crap.
"Hey, no need to say crap so many times," Zeff said "I saved your life remember?"
"My life? Why?"
"I don't know, I wanted to be some sort of crap hero. And you also believe in All Blue, like I crappily do."
"But what do we do without crap to eat?"
"Don't worry, I have a bag of crap here…." Zeff pulled out a crappy bag filled with crappy crap to eat.
"Food! Hurray!" Sanji ran over and then suddenly, a massive bird came down and ate the food.
"We're doomed! NOOOOOO!" Sanji screamed.
"Hi there. I'm an employee from 4kids that's come to sell you Chopper Dolls!" a crappy employee from the crappy 4kids company popped out.
"………." Sanji paused.
"FOOOOOOOD!!!!" Zeff screamed. Both of them pounced on the 4kids employee.
"Wha? NOOOO!! STOP!!! OH DEAR GOD!!!! HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! STOP IT!!!" As the crappy 4kids employee was crappily eaten alive.
Sanji tore open the guy's skin and peeled it off. He grabbed the large intestines out and then used some of the guy's skin to wrap it, making some sort of roll. He feasted on this roll while Zeff made a pair of chopsticks using the bones of the arm. Using the chopsticks he made, he began picking out particularly good parts from the corpse, like the eyes. Sanji then proceeded to tear apart the poor guy's arm and cut it apart to make little patties, which was then used to make a hamburger with the fingers as the lettuce/tomatoes and the foot as the bread.
Zeff cut up the liver, lungs, heart and kidney to be used as meatballs. He then tore out the small intestines and using blood as sauce, he put the human meatballs into the spaghetti-like concoction.
Soon nothing was left but the head of the crappy 4kids guys. And due to some crappy anime logic, he was still alive. And yes, being eaten alive like that REALLY HURTS! REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD! It's totally indescribable.
"Sorry about eating you by the way." Sanji apologized.
"Don't worry, that's what 4kids employees are only good for and used for, as food." The guy said through a painful face.
"But I sure am thirsty…" Zeff said. He then came up with an idea and mashed the brain into a jelly-like substance which used the skull as a bowl.
"Eat up boy!" And the two Hannibal Lectors ate into the night laughing and talking like old friends.
- - - - - - -
"And that's my story." Sanji ended his weird flashback that has nothing to do with the dubbed or subbed One Piece or 4kids except for the cannibalism. "Anybody who can count how many times crap was said in the flashback wins a award!"
The whole area was quiet and silent. Everyone froze.
"Dude, you're worse then Hannibal Lector!" Pearl's ghost called out.
"No I'm not!"
"Dude Sanji you are…." Zoro started.
"I'm not kidding!"
"No I meant, YOU'RE A FUCKING CANNIBAL!"
"It was for survival!"
"You ate a freakin' human being! YOU'RE A FREAKING CANNIBAL!"
"If I didn't eat him I was gonna die!" Sanji whined.
"Then how long did it take for you to be rescued after you finished eating him, cannibal?" Usopp asked, hiding himself.
"About 4 minutes 23 seconds. I was on that island for about 5 minutes 29 seconds altogether."
"… so you made the decision to eat someone about 30 seconds after you woke up on a deserted island without waiting for rescue?"
"Yep, pretty much."
"Whoa whoa whoa, does this have anything to do with 4kids bashing or is this just a random subject that someone came up with out of nowhere?" A guy asked. Everyone ignored him.
"Ok, well anyways, Sanji…" Nami spoke to Sanji for the first time since the incident "never serve me any type of meat again."
"Is human meat good?" Luffy called out. He was now tickling Krieg, who giggled like a baby boy.
Once Krieg stopped laughing he stood up and said "Gin, kill this cannibal."
"Sorry boss, but I don't wanna get near him, he'll eat me!"
Krieg got so pissed off that he suddenly pressed a button and screamed "THEN EAT MY POISON GAS!" A bunch of green gas came out of Krieg (I'm sure you know where) and then everyone in the area nearly died. Gin was poisoned, but the Strawhats weren't due to important details that the author refused to type up.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED YOUR OWN COMRADE! This is a bad morale…." Luffy said a monotonous speech about nakama that would have sounded cool if his voice had any emotion, but sadly, due to 4kids he did not.
Luffy suddenly got the desire to kill Krieg. So he punched Krieg directly in the armor. And due to all the poking Luffy did, the armor broke off. Then Luffy hit Krieg with a Gomu Gomu no Bazooka, and blasted him off.
"Hey that was fast."
- - - - - - - - -
"Where ze fuck am I?" Mihawk asked himself. He was in a mysterious land.
"Bonjour…" A polite woman greeted. Mihawk turned around to face her and then realized where he was. And that he was screwed.
He spoke with a French accent but knew no French at all.
"Ah son of a b-"
- - - - -
The Strawhats spent the rest of the night telling Sanji about the whole 4kids issue, which was mostly ignored in this chapter. Of course he didn't understand, since it made no sense at all.
The next day, Sanji went off with the Strawhats. The whole crew of Baratie came out to say good bye.
"See ya" and then they went back inside.
"Those bastards! Oh by the way, where's Gin?" Sanji said.
"I think he died or something. It was sad." Usopp replied before working on something.
"NAMI-SAN!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?" Sanji suddenly noticed that Nami wasn't there. Where did his precious Nami-san go?
Suddenly Johnny and Yosaku, who also had been ignored in this chapter, popped out of nowhere and screamed with tears flowing down their eyes.
"NAMI LEFT THE CREW AND IS GOING TO ARLONG!"
To be continued…..
A/N First, I want to apologize for the month long wait. I don't have as much time as I did in the summer now that school has started. I don't have any time at all to write. Sorry, but updates will come slower then before. Much slower.
Second I want to say that this chapter was impossibly hard to write, due to my lack of time and writer's block. I couldn't think of anything to write for this chapter, which is why it's not focusing on 4kids, but focused on cannibals or something. I just sort of dragged along, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think of anything. So please forgive me for the weirdness and also rushing through this chapter like 4kids does. I was just so sick of writing about Baratie, that I had to finish it quickly. I have a little bit more material for Arlong, but I seriously can't think of much right now.
Sorry for the long wait and the not so good chapter. I'll try to work doubly hard on the next chapter.
I also don't know why cannibals popped up. It just did.
Oh, and if anyone counts how many times crap or a form of crap appeared in the flashback, I'll congratulate you!
Until next time.