Neko-chan: I don't know what the hell inspired me to write this fic and I really shouldn't since I've only seen a few episodes but whatever is was I'm thinking it was a spur of the moment kind of thing…
Inu-sama: Wasn't it because you were just listening to the music and reading MaLoRa fics?
Neko-chan: Yeah that could have been it… anyway I think I should point out that Loki knows how to commit suicide by slitting from his wrist down because that's how you bleed more! Though… how he knew how to do it is really something I have no clue on O.o but hey! Loki is full of surprises! Well anyway I shall not bore you people with my ramblings (Too late for that XD) and instead shall begin the fic! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Matantei Loki Ragnarok… what more do you want?
Neko-chan: First MaLoRa fic and first song-ficso go easy on me people… and I'm sorry if I made Loki too OOC for some of you people … I tried my best! XP
Loki was alone in his room.
No sounds of other presences such as Yamino or Mayura or anybody else Loki had come to known and become friends with this past year was here. Not even Fenrir, who was always obsessed with protecting and being with his father, was here.
The trickster god was completely alone.
Loki was currently seated in his normal leather chair behind his work desk. It seems that everything was as normal as ever, with the exception of no one in the room but him.
But nothing is ever normal when it comes to the god of fire and mischief.
Loki took at glance at the new five feet mirror that he had gotten just last week. When Loki had seen it one day during a shopping trip with Mayura he had sensed the jyaki emitting from it, seeming to taunt him somehow. Of course he had no choice but to buy it and extract the evil aura but as soon as he touched it, something happened. Loki was not sure himself of what happened but something did and he refused to even look at it ever since it had come into his work room, covering it with a large and white table cloth.
The trickster god got out of his seat and silently walked over to the covered mirror. With one move he easily pulled away the white sheet.
He stared at his reflection.
-I've been looking in the mirror for so long,
That I've come to believe my soul's on the
He didn't know why but memories of the past started filling in his mind, reminding him of the first day he banished to Midgard and the first day he met Mayura, his ever faithful 'assistant'. The first few days she had claimed to be helping him and yet throughout all they've been through the most amusing part was that whatever 'mysteries' that really happened she was either in a state of unconsciousness or wasn't around when it happened. However, even Loki had to admit that Mayura was useful sometimes.
All they've through and all the adventures he had and all the friends he made were such good memories… but… he had also made enemies.
"Heimdall…" Loki smiled bitterly to himself.
-All the little pieces falling, shatter
The one person who he could not persuade to see the better side of Loki. No, Heimdall always saw the evil in him and throughout all they've been through Loki could still not figure why. Everybody had evil in them and good but to Heimdall, Loki was different. There was not one ounce of good in him it seems to Heimdall and that only made Loki feel feelings he had not experienced at all.
Anger, frustration, bitterness, guilt, regret, sadness.
-Shards of me too sharp to put
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into
So many little pieces
Loki's emerald eyes began to sting. The trickster god had not noticed at all about the tears that were flowing freely down his cheeks. He tried to will himself into stopping but his body was not willing to stop.
Loki began to tremble and fell to his knees while hugging himself. If somebody had opened the door right now and saw him they would probably be amused or would probably, to Loki's horror, pity him.
-And I bleed…
And I breathe…
The chestnut-haired god glanced up at the mirror once more and again memories began to fill his head. More good memories, of days that Loki would prefer not to have ended.
"You're Heimdall, right?"
The guardian god looked up to see who he would assume to be the god of mischief and fire. Heimdall only nodded once and went on with his duty. However, this did not please Loki and so the trickster god continued, "You do this everyday? All day? Don't you get bored?" he cocked his head to the side and decided that floating was no longer fun, landing right beside the guardian god.
Heimdall only rolled his eyes, how many times he's head that before! "Yes, yes and mind your own god damn business" he said in an uncaring voice. Loki only frowned "I guess you don't like talking… ok one more question and I'll be off!" the trickster god promised.
The other only rolled his eyes once more but did not object to which Loki took as a positive reaction, "Don't you ever get lonely here all by yourself?"
The question took the guardian god by surprise "Lonely?" Heimdall repeated, as if he was debating on whether he was lonely or not, "I guess… sometimes"
The trickster god suddenly smiled and nodded before turning around and leaving.
-Take a breathe and I try to draw
From my spirit's well
Yet again you refuse to drink like
A stubborn child
Loki smiled to himself; the memory of meeting Heimdall for the first time was actually his favorite time meeting him. The look of pure shock then wonder on the guardian's face after having been asked the curious question was priceless to Loki. "That was when you didn't hate me…" he remembered.
After that day he had visited the guardian god, non-stop. Sometimes he stayed with Heimdall for longer hours than other days but he had always visited him. He really couldn't stop himself from wanting to see the other god, having been attracted to him from the first day. Loki was not attracted just by beauty of appearance though; sure the other god had such soft-looking violet hair with a beautiful pair of matching crimson eyes, the color of blood but what had attracted him most was something Loki still had yet to figure out.
Even to this day, this moment the trickster god loved Heimdall for reasons unknown to himself but he will keep on loving him because those memories of when they were together was something Loki did not want to forget.
Though the trickster god would have preferred that those memories were reality and were happening instead of the real cruel fate that, at this moment, was destined to continue.
-Lie to me…
Convince me that I've been sick forever…
Nothing would be like the way it was when Loki was happy because he had brought it upon himself. He had hurt the one he loved but he had always hoped Heimdall would forgive him, tell him it was ok if he returned his eyes and Loki was sure that Heimdall had indeed told him to return his eye but forgiveness was not option. That, Loki had found out much earlier than he had wished to.
-And all of this will make sense when I get better
Again Loki had found himself musing so much that he had not noticed he was no longer staring at the mirror. He had long since figured this mirror was the one making him think of things he would much rather forget but he had to be grateful to it, for making him realize some things cannot be forgiven, no matter how much he hoped.
"If I could go back… and right the wrong I've done to you I would… but I can't…" the trickster god's once dazzling emerald eyes, now filled with still flowing tears once again fixed on the mirror. The salty tears obscured his vision a little but he could see clearly enough to know that he was staring at his original form and not that of a child's.
He had realized how much he had changed since being banished; he was no longer such a playful and sly little god that at one time was called the Evil God. Sure he enjoyed mischief still but now he cannot be considered much of a trickster god anymore. Then again, did he change really? Or did he just come to realize how he truly is?
Is that why Heimdall hates him so much? Because he changed? Back then when he was happy, whatever trick he played on Heimdall the guardian god would eventually forgive him, no matter how humiliated he was and he would soon forget.
Loki knew that tricks and the taking of the guardian god's eye were far from each other but still… he couldn't help but to wonder…
-But I know the difference
Between myself and my reflection
I just can't help but to wonder
Which of us
Do you love?
Was this really him? Was the person he knew back then a reflection of him?
"Is that it? I have changed or I have gone back to way I'm suppose to be?" even with the question Loki balled his hands into fists and rose them high above his head. His dull eyes kept staring at the mirror even as he brought his hands down on it, even as it shattered into many broken pieces and crashing to floor, cutting his face slightly.
The warm blood that dripped down his face began to mix with the tears of his sadness.
-So I bleed…
And I breathe…
I breathe, no…
The blood dripped down onto the ground, Loki looked at it. He saw his own reflection in the shattered pieces of broken glass and he hated it. He hated himself.
All sanity erased from his being, he picked up a rather large piece of glass. Holding it up to his wrist he smiled and slid the glass piece down his arm, letting the warm blood, flow insanely down onto the ground and creating a small puddle around him. He left the glass in his arm and leaned against his work desk.
And I breathe…
Such irony it was. The trickster god just laid there, eyes beginning to fall. "Gomen ne… Heimdall… I took your eye and the revenge you swore on me…" the small smiled that graced his lips was that of a sad and regretful one.
Loki knew that when his youngest son will come in soon and he would probably have a heart attack "Yamino-kun… gomen… you're going to have to clean this up, aren't you?"
The trickster god thought it was probably unfair to all of his friends and family, he knew he was selfish in doing this but he really didn't want to care because he had lost everything and gained little in reward.
He supposed that Fenrir would be the one most devastated, just above Yamino and Mayura, since he had always loved his father more than anything. He really hoped that Fenrir would not see this and that Yamino would tell him instead, seeing it with your own eyes is far different from imagining it and Loki knew that Fenrir would probably imagine his death a little less drastic than this.
He bet Yamino wouldn't even tell Fenrir he committed suicide, probably Heimdall killed him or something. That would be better off. At least this way, the guardian god would probably get a little of his revenge by having at least one soul believe he really killed his most hated enemy.
My reflection… who has gained everything I want now… I would rather die than lose everything to you again…
With that in thought Loki closed his eyes.
And took his last breath.
Just as the door of his work room burst open, revealing his two sons.
Neko-chan: Or not, you never know! And there you have my angst, suicide fic! I wouldn't say it was all that bad, would you Inu-sama?
Inu-sama: I think it needs more blood…
Neko-chan: You're right but I feel sick right now and I just can't write anymore bloody scenes…
Neko-chan: WHATEVER! Anyway to my lovely readers, please review and tell me if you liked, loved, disliked, hated, think it should be burned off this Earth or want to give me a cookie for it! And please don't flame me, give me constructive criticism on it ok? I don't appreciate flames and I'll only throw them into the ocean of imagination that is my mind… and PLEASE don't flame me about the pairing because if you do, you're admitting you're an idiot since the summary clearly says 'Heim/Loki'!
Inu-sama: I agree!
Neko-chan: Great so… review please! Oh and tell me if I should make this a multi-chapter story or leave it as a one-shot and write a sequel or just leave it as a one-shot… I just realized that if this remains a one-shot then I've finally accomplished a story! O.o and I might actually go somewhere with a sequel!
Inu-sama: Right… and as always review people!
Neko-chan: Ja Ne!