Tah dah! I'm back! (Ignore whatever Lil Devil 66 said about her work being horrible. She's way too modest for her own good.)

Disclaimer:

Me: (shoves all the illegal documents proclaiming we own Fruits Basket into Lil Devil's hands) IT WAS HER IDEA! HER'S! WAAAAAAAHHH!

Lil Devil: . . . . You really do crumble in the face of danger . . .

Me: WAHAAHAHAAAAA!

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Tohru looked down at herself, in all her salty-dog spectacular-ness. The clothes were a little baggy, but it was all there. The faded leather boots, the enormous jacket, the rapier, the handy-dandy pistols, the temporary tattoos and most of all, the hat. Grinning underneath the stick-a-beard, she looked over at Ritsu.

"Tohru-san?" Ritsu asked, looking at his companion in worry, "Why are you smiling like that?"

"Because lass, I am Captain Jack Sparrow!"

Upon her utterance of those words, a siren came in the left corner of the ceiling went off. The lights in bathroom turned a dark red, and all of the bomb-proof safety-doors coming down on all the exits. Behind them, a toilet flushed, and out stepped a whole group of federal lawyers and FBI agents. Ritsu stared at the lawyers in horror.

One of the agents turned to a lawyer. "What's the case?"

"A CR-31019, code pinkish-yellow."

The agent nodded. "Hm . . . Young man . . . woman . . . thing!" he turned to address Tohru.

"Aye?"

"You've been charged with stealing the legally copy-righted name of Captain Jack Sparrow, owned by Disney," he fell to his knees, "Our wonderful Lord and Master, may it live on forever."

The rest of them bowed their head solemnly, "Amen."

When they looked up, two little dust-clouds hovered where Tohru and Ritsu had been standing. They looked behind them, and saw the Jack-clad Tohru standing triumphantly on the rim of the toilet, Ritsu cowering behind her and waving.

Grinning tooth-fully she said, "You shall always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sp—err, John Chickadee!"

"You know," Ritsu whispered in her ear, "That blatant rip-off is almost as bad as just calling yourself Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Do us a favor, lass," she said, moving her hands in a drunken manner, "And hush up."

Lifting her foot, she brought it down on—

Hold on!

Tohru rolled her eyes and glared at the ceiling, "What NOW!"

Gasp! You're questioning me!

"So?"

. . . . I liked you better before.

"Well," Tohru sighed expaspetatedly, "What is it!"

Don't you think that this scene would sound so much cooler if it had Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack in the background?

"I really don't see your point. The scene would finish the same way."

Yeah. But it'd be cooler.

One of the agents nodded. "She does have a point."

Ah-hah! There. Off to find my boom-box . . . Here it is!

De do duh, de duh, do, do duh de, do daaah—

Shit, that's the Harry Potter music! . . . . Here we go . . .

Do dun dunh duhn dah, do dah dunht dunht dah, dunt dunt dah dah, dunh dunh dunt dah!

As the Pirates of the Caribbean music pounded on dramatically, Tohru raised her foot again. Bringing it down on the secret button hidden there, she was flushed down the toilet! No joke.

The music faithfully following them, they sent through the sewers. Tohru was still grinning in a gleeful evil manner, while Ritsu was screaming about how septic waste was bad for his hair. Along the way, they passed a manner of trivial things: a lot of slime, some rats, a lipstick container, a blue heart-shaped stone on a necklace, and a creepy little creature muttering about how he lost his precious. Nothing really important.

They fell out right on top of the fruit stand (surprisingly, it didn't break). Tohru brushed some of the worse stuff off of her, and struck a dramatic pose.

Duhn dunh duh dun, bah badi boom, duhn dunh duh dun, bah bahi boom, dah duh dunt dah!

"Wonderful!" Tohru/Captain John Chickadee exclaimed, picking up a spare fig, "Just what I needed!"

"How do you stand this skirt?" Ritsu asked, pulling the short-short skirt lower while Tohru/Captain John Chickadee started to shove figs into various pockets. "And what are the figs for?

"That's for me to know, and for the undead monkey to try to steal."

" . . . . What?"

"Don't you remember? Monkey steals, me shoot, monkey steals again?"

"Tohr . . . Captain John Chickadee, that's only in the movie."

". . . Say, you're a monkey" Captain John Chickadee turned towards Ritsu, an evil gleam in her eye.

"Products for turning effeminate red-heads into undead slaves in aisle six, products for turning effeminate red-head into undead slaves in aisle six, thank you," Shigure announced over the intercom, chuckling evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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"Hm?" Yuki asked looking up from his ramen, sitting on the floor of aisle eight (microwaveable foods) with Kyo, Akito, and Hatori, "What was that noise?"

Kyo shrugged, and then looked at the bowl of ramen in his hands. "Hey, does any one else feel weird?"

Akito nodded, and looked at the ramen critically. "I have the desire to either shout 'Believe it!' and throw kunai knives, or to hunt after jewel shards and beat up little foxes . . ."

"Yeah," Kyo agreed, looking deep into Akito's eyes, "That feeling."

There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold
And she's buying the stairway, to heaven

Akito blushed lightly. "You feel it too, Kyo?"

"Yes," Kyo breathed as he inched closer, feeling heat radiate from the God-on-Earth.

And when she gets there she knows, if the stores all are closed
With a word she can get what she came for

Hatori leaned towards Yuki. "Hey, I thought he digged you?"

Yuki slurped his ramen indifferently, "I'm not complaining."

Woe ooooooooooooh!
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

"Akito-sama," Kyo whispered, his lips scant inches from Akito's.

Akito grinned to himself, mentally doing the "I'm getting laid tonight!" dance while unscrewing the bottle of Viagra pills behind his back, "Yes?" he asked innocently, his eyelashes fluttering.

There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meeeeanings
In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

"You have some spinach stuck in your teeth."

"GODDAMNIT!" screamed a voice from the ceiling, "SOMEONE KISS ALREADY!"

"It's okay Shigure; we'll simply have to sing a more melodious song."

Akito's eyes twitched as his heart sunk, then thought of a brilliant idea "Will you get it out for me?"

"Certainly," Kyo smirked, and laced one hand into Akito's raven locks. Akito reassumed the "I'm getting laid tonight!" dance in his head, and slightly puckered his lips.

Kyo held out a hand back to Hatori. "Hand me some chopsticks. I'll have pick it out."

"AUGH! STUPID CAT!" Akito snarled and punched Kyo in the face, knocking him out. Standing up, he addressed the ceiling. "You! Snake and dog! Sing another song!"

"Ayame! I'm running out of songs I know how to play on the piano!"

"Here, let me try!"

Easy living, living free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
("Ayame? You sure we should be singing this?")
Taking everything in my stride
("Of course! We just sang Highway to Heaven. This song is mandatory.")

Don't need reason, don't need rhyme
Ain't nothing I would rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too

I'M ON A HIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL!
HIIIIIIGHWAY TO—

"No, no, NO!" Akito screamed while waving his hands, "I need something sexy for Kyo to wake up to!"

"Ooo! I got one, Ayame!"

I'm, too sexy for my shirt,
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it huuurts
I'm, too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York and Jaaaaapan!
I'm, too sexy—

"You IDIOTS!" Akito yelled again, "You're taking me WAY too literally! Something to get him IN THE MOOD!"

"Shigure! You on the drum set and me on saxophone!"

And surely, the 50's tune of "In the Mood" came blasting out over the speakers. Duht duh duht duh duht duh dah dah dah dah, dut dut duht dah!

Akito was angry. Very angry. You could see the little Black Cloud of Anger and Death forming over his head, along with little lighting-bolts, asterisk signs, and skulls and crossbones.

"Skulls and cross bones!" Tohru/Captain John Chickadee hollered, appearing at the end of the aisle, pointing at Akito, "Only a pirate can use those! You don't look like a pirate!"

Yuki looked over at her. Perched on her shoulder (she seemed to ignore the weight) was Ritsu, his skin a sickly shade of green and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Brraaaaains . . ." murmured the monkey.

" . . . Shigure? Do we know any zombie songs?"

"I saw a TV-show once about ghouls, which are basically zombies. I'll stay on the drum set, you go on the piano. I think it can switch to electric guitar sounds . . ."

"That'll work! Let's hit it!"

Don't be cool vibration
Revolufantasy
Tell me fool talk show day and rain
Every stardom the rating
Don't stop horror show inner darken
Just say love

Hatori rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You know, you aren't helping. At ALL."

Tohru/Captain John Chickadee looked at the ceiling. "You know, this sounds familiar."

"It was the theme song for the anime Hellsing," Akito said, before bursting into tears. "I need a man like Alucard! Someone SEXY and EVIL! I bet ALUCARD wouldn't accidentally hit on me! He'd save me from ghouls and make me a SEXY and EVIL vampire! And then we'd have hot, kinky, SEXY sex!"

In the next aisle, the group heard the sound of someone falling to the floor, and then saw a very buxom police-girl dragging a man in a red-trench coat and hat out of the store.

Oh I've been watching biblation
Take me want to talking revolution
No have won these revelation
They have one chance and it's gone
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru

"You know," Tohru/Captain John Chickadee mused, "Akito kinda looks like William Turn—Er, Tilliam Wurner . . . Oi! Eunuch! Akito!"

Akito looked up. "Did you just call me a eunuch! I'll have you know, my 'tackle equipment' is in full working—"

"Where's your bonny lass?" Captain John Chickadee asked, (Tohru's personality seems to have completely disappeared. . . .)

"My only bonny lass is Kyo!" Akito said dramatically, throwing a hand over his eyes, "Oh why won't he return my love!"

Captain John Chickadee rubbed his hands together and plotted deviously.

Angels flying to the ready
Revoluflymachine
Jealous of beauty
Jealousy of love

Oh I've been watching biblation
Take me want to talking revolution
No have won cthese revelation
They have one chance and it's gone
("This sure is a damn weird song.")
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru
("And we're all damn weird people!")
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru
("True! Go Shigure! KEEP ON SINING!")

Tohru threw an arm around Akito's shoulders and drew him close to her. "Say, you still have your Jesus pills, correct?"

"Tohru—"

"Captain John Chickadee!" she interrupted.

"Sure, but you're a girl . . . you don't have any use for . . . 'Jesus Pills'"

"But their Jesus pills, correct? So we each pop a few, walk across the ocean towards Tortuga, round up a crew, and then go search for the Black Pearl! Savvy?"

Akito blinked. "They don't work that way."

Oh I've been watching biblation
Take me want to talking revolution
No have won these revelation
They have one chance and the feelings gone
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru
("Sing for me, Ayame, my angel of music!")
Shooby dooby doo shooby dooby doo duru
("He's there, the phantom of the opera!")

"I'll show you!" Captain John Chickadee wrenched the bottle out of Akito's hands, and poured the whole bottle down her throat. She gave the empty bottle back to Akito, and burped. ". . . Do I look any holier?"

Yuki felt the noodles slip off of his chopsticks and back into the bowl. Wide-eyed, he turned towards Hatori. "How many pills were in there?"

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Extra Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-Yasha, Naruto, ramen, Hellsing, The World Without Logos, Stairway to Heaven, Highway to Hell, I'm Too Sexy, In The Mood, (and for my previous chapter) Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and I Don't Wanna MissA Thing. Did I get everything?

Lil' Devil 66: You don't own Viagra either.

Riiiiiight.

Anyways, review! Be it either compliments, critism, flames, or offers to make our pen-fifteens two inches longer, review! Please. We're on our knees, BEGGING!

Reeeevieeeew!